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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want anyone there whilst in hospital with DS?

640 replies

PayingMyWayYouSay · 09/07/2017 20:25

Apart from DH of course.

I don't want MIL/SIL visiting whilst I'm there. It's against my wishes tbh. I want House visits only.

DH is a bit Hmm at me but that's how it is. I will be in quite a vulnerable position, regardless of how easy or not so my birth ends up.

I would 100% have my Mum there when DS is born but, she lives too far away, and she won't be able to straight away. She will also be visiting once we're home.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 12/07/2017 17:23

Well we wasted our time back in the late 60s early 70s getting hospitals to accept dad in the delivery room. Now he has to wait a day or two.

Do stop inventing. No one is asking him to wait a day or two to meet his child or start parenting. Just to put his partner first for a few days if their wishes about visitors and when others get to meet the baby are in irreconcilable conflict.

grannytomine · 12/07/2017 18:25

Why can't the father and everyone else wait a day or two? Well that is what it says.

PickingOakum · 12/07/2017 18:29

I find this debate very strange, to be honest, and suspect a lot of it is down to older generations assuming that modern postpartum circumstances will be the same as when they gave birth.

Nearly 40 years ago, my MIL had two caesareans and stayed in for a fortnight with each. Her babies were taken to the maternity nursery and only brought back for feeds on a regular basis and for visiting times. And visiting times were strict back then, along with permitted numbers by the bed. You could prepare for them and know they would only last for a certain time. There was no way a mother would be expected to receive visitors at the bedside so soon after birth. It just wasn't done. It was pretty much the same deal with my DM forty-odd years ago.

But now, it's a bit of a free-for-all. A midwife actually let my DM into the delivery room when I was in established labour, despite neither DH or I ever having said that was okay. And it was extremely difficult because my DM flaps like crazy in stressful circumstances, and her obvious anxiety levels and panic were dialing my contractions up to 11. I was then put in the unenviable position, in between regular four minute contractions, of having to tell my mum to go home, which made me feel like utter shit and was an added stress I really didn't need at that point.

The aftermath of the birth was a disaster (blood pressure collapsed, retained placenta requiring manual evacuation, bed was covered in blood, baby had dried blood on its face, I was a mess), and there was no way I could trust the midwife not to let anyone into the room until I was sorted out properly, which took a good few hours or more. Had my PIL been present in the hospital at that point, they would have no doubt come into the room because there was no one to stop them and they wouldn't have understood why they couldn't, and the outcome would have been extremely awkward and embarrassing for everyone concerned.

I think a lot of this problem is down to a distinct lack of policed rules and regulations on maternity wards these days. I've been on a/n and p/n wards where two visitors per bed were actually six or more, bashing into other patients beds, and small children have played "peekabo" other patients' curtains as thought it were some sort of game. I've seen women's waters break in the middle of an a/n ward in front of male strangers, which occurred pretty much because there were no policed visiting times so there were male strangers on the ward from 8am to 10pm every day.

The situation is such that now you really have to "manage" your post-natal hospital visitors in a way that just didn't occur thirty+ years ago, and this is on top of sorting yourself out after birth, getting stitched, and establishing feeding, along with any other issues you may face with a possibly screaming baby next to you in a perspex crib. You can no longer rely on a ward authority to control your visitors for you while you sort yourself out.

So I really don't blame the OP for not wanting to deal with this while she is still in hospital, recovering from birth. But I also know that older generations just do not understand this because it is so different from their experiences, and think that modern mums are either being horrible or extremely precious.

JassyRadlett · 12/07/2017 19:14

Well that is what it says.

Gosh, I didn't know that contextual reading comprehension was a new fangled thing.

SheSaidHeSaid · 12/07/2017 19:20

picking, you've hit the nail on the head for me.

ollieplimsoles · 12/07/2017 19:24

picking

Your post is so perfect I wept.

BlueIsYou · 12/07/2017 19:28

Picking is right.

When I lost my twin boys, a family thought I was their relative and popped their heads round shouting "Surprise!"

I was on the post natal ward for a few hours is how that mix up happened.

To put salt into my wound even more, they had "It's a Boy!" Balloons with them Sad

I shivered with grief after that. It made my experience even more horrific.

ethelfleda · 12/07/2017 19:33

Picking your post is spot on!!

And Blueisyou I'm so sorry you had to go through that Flowers

BlueIsYou · 12/07/2017 19:35

To be fair, the Bounty Woman doing her rounds and asking me if I'd like to use her services didn't help either Angry

I feel quite cross now looking back

BlueIsYou · 12/07/2017 19:35

Bounty Woman does the baby photography on wards just in case it's not a universal thing here in the U.K. Blush

JassyRadlett · 12/07/2017 19:49

Bloody hell Blue, that's appalling. I'm so so sorry.

Another upvote for Picking's post.

SheSaidHeSaid · 12/07/2017 20:48

God Blue i feel enraged for you. How awful.

WomblingThree · 12/07/2017 20:57

Blue that's beyond awful.

PickingOakum I'm hardly the "older generation". There are more than a handful of people my age having their first baby.

silkybear · 12/07/2017 22:16

The clean sheets comment made me laugh out loud. I was left in the room i gave birth in for about 30 mins, bloody sheets and blood on the floor everywhere, i was violently sick with shock and vomited everywhere too. Eventually got transferred to ward and put in bed but not cleaned up so my blood covered legs dirtied the sheets and my bedding was not changed the whole 48 hours i was kept in. Had a bath a few hours later, dh helped me in and out. Very few staff around and they were rushed off their feet. I thought that was the norm?! Feel robbed of fluffy towels now Confused

QueenArseClangers · 12/07/2017 22:47

Granny actually I have had a child in SCBU who was very poorly (apgar score of 2 and resussed).
Things like that are necessary, taking a neonate away from its mother without her blessing isn't Hmm

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