Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For making DP's sister's come and pick up their children?

385 replies

Boggysib · 09/07/2017 08:26

We were on holiday and visiting points of interest. DP is from the area - we live two hours away and were staying in an hotel along with our kids aged 6 and 1.

We arrived at a certain historical place and were trekking over to its play area. We were about to eat our picnic when it became apparent that our niece (3) and nephews (5 & 2) had been left with us to look at after as only DP's mum arrived.

Both dp and I were BUSY taking turns with the 1 year old.

DP's mum and was chasing after the 3yo while the 2yo was restrained in his buggy the whole time (2 hours or so). He doesn't get let out anywhere. He is a handful and tends to hit other children. I did not feel comfortable letting him loose. He got no interaction the whole time we were at the play area. I gave him a banana and topped up his water bottle.

So it turns out DP's sister's were away - one getting hair done, other cleaning house.

I messaged them both saying one of your children has been abandoned, the other being chased by your mum so she hasn't had a the chance to eat her lunch. I didn't come on holiday for this.....

We didn't get to to do what we had planned that day because we had to babysit their children. They obviously cannot be bothered with their children and dump them on DP's mum at any opportunity.

Wibu for thinking we shouldn't have been put in that position?

OP posts:
Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 09:45

DP's mum had nothing to do with the 2yo the whole time. She was gone, out of sight.

He was a kept in the shade.

I hated being put in that position. People walking by thinking I'm responsible for him. I do not think I could've coped letting him out, DP neither.

We have no experience with kids different to our own!

OP posts:
abilockhart · 09/07/2017 09:46

I will admit I find it quite strange that three adults couldn't manage five kids between them to the extent that one two-year old had to be kept strapped in his buggy the whole time. That sounds horrible.

In saying that, well done for saying something rather than just moaning.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 09/07/2017 09:47

All I see is three adults (DP's mum, and two sisters) , struggling to meet the basic needs of three children.

Yes, that's the situation, bloody hard Sad

Have the sisters had any parenting classes because I can't imagine keeping the 2yo in his pushchair is going to help with his behaviour.

rookiemere · 09/07/2017 09:48

Boggysbib - I think you did the best you could. Your number one responsibility was to make sure that none of the random DCs that you found yourself in charge of were hurt or managed to wander off. Unfortunately in this circumstance that necessitated the 2 yr old being kept in the buggy.
The issue here is that if DP's DM is caring for all 3 on a regular basis, this is probably what's happening to the DS very often.

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 09:49

Mil has said she can't look after the 2yo in the past. It didn't go down well. The mother of the 2yo saw it as favouritism and that Mil doesn't like her children over the other sisters child!

I know that there are a lot of issues. I feel like I've probably rubbed salt in the wound and come across as interfering and a bitch.

OP posts:
Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 09:52

How does your DP feel about it all ?

Underthemoonlight · 09/07/2017 09:54

Whilst thet took the piss there was nothing stopping your dh taking the 2year for a walk in his pushchair. I get why your annoyed but I would have made the best of the situation at the time but stepped back and allowed your dh to fire the bullets inregards to his sisters you will now be painted out as the bad guy in the situation where as they can be more forgiving of your dh because he is their dbro.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 09/07/2017 09:55

I think you can't solve the issues boggy and that the relationship/ agreements between MIL and SILs is none of your business, unless children are actually at risk.

If they think you were a bitch for reaching the end of your tether that says more about them than you. Shades of grey again....

Birdsgottaf1y · 09/07/2017 09:55

""He has behavioural issues. And of think it's down to the fact he's always ignored and gets very little interaction.""

Unless you are around them a lot, you can't come to that conclusion. Every Parent of a child with additional needs is severely judged at around this age (and older).

I enjoy my Granddaughter, i'm due to have a second. They keep me going and young, as mine did for my Mum, who willingly minded mine into her 70's. When my Mum started using a wheelchair, she was taken out everyday by one of us. That is how it works in some families. There is nothing to judge in this natural way of living, that we have followed since time began.

My Sister is flabbergasted when i'm not bothered about sitting down and having lunch, when i've got my whirlwind 2.5 year old GD. There will come a time when all i've got to do is sit.

If the Mum honestly needs help in saying No, then that is different,but we all like a moan at times.

Birdsgottaf1y · 09/07/2017 09:57

X post.

""I hated being put in that position. People walking by thinking I'm responsible for him. I do not think I could've coped letting him out, DP neither.
We have no experience with kids different to our own!""

Then don't judge other Parents.

Has your DP had a word over getting the boy assessed?

Lunde · 09/07/2017 09:58

I don't get why one of the mums was just sitting in her car nearby ?- surely an extra pair of hands would have made a big difference to the day.

Is the one that sat in her car the mother of the 2 year old?

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2017 10:03

It sounds like she's really struggling to cope

jeaux90 · 09/07/2017 10:03

You have no experience with different children and yet you seem to be judging their mothers.

It's tough being a single parent (I am one) 5 minutes peace in the car is golden.

That said you were put in a difficult situation and did what you could but no it wasn't your place to sort it out. It was your DP and MIL's.

Kittychatcat · 09/07/2017 10:05

Op,YANBU

I think it's very mean to expect you and your DP to do childcare when it hadn't been agreed in advance.

Your DP needs to tell his sisters that mil can't cope with 3 kids on her own. It doesn't mean she doesn't love her grandchildren just that it's too much for her. Your mil probably feels too guilty to say no but I'm pretty sure her DDs wouldn't be happy with her if one of the kids were injured in her care, which is what could happen if the 2 and 3 year old are both let loose.

DPs sisters are selfish, the kids are running wild due to poor parenting and mil is scared to say no in case it leads to a row and contact being cut off (which won't happen because it doesn't sound like many people could cope with that 2 year old!).

Op, I suspect you'll be relieved to go home again and get away from this family dynamic!

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 10:07

Jesus wept.

There is NO evidence of kids running wild due to poor parenting.

Haven't you heard of additional needs?

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2017 10:07

5 children - 2 playing happily. One clinging to OP, that leaves one each for MiL and DP, No? Or have I missed something?

Not ideal situation and the SiL sitting in the car park needs taking to task, but did the 2 year-old really have to stay in the buggy? DP could have played with him.

AvoidingCallenetics · 09/07/2017 10:10

It kind of is her place though, if their chouces impact on her

elsmokoloco · 09/07/2017 10:10

So OP how do you plan to handle things in the future to ensure you're not placed in the same position?

rookiemere · 09/07/2017 10:12

I'm sure that if OP and her DP had known in advance that they'd be looking after all these DCs then they would have chosen a more appropriate venue.

Really I think they did the best they could in the circumstances, the point is not what they could have done better for the 2 year old in the 2 hr window they were with him but the fact that they'd been left in that situation in the first place.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 10:12

Why'd it take 2 hours to text SIL to come for the kids when the op already knew they were going to be challenging?

I still don't get why her DP didn't text, and it wouldn't have taken me 2 hours to text my sister to tell her to come back pronto.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 09/07/2017 10:15

My suggestion to avoid it happening again....

Ensure you have plans every day. To avoid offence being taken suggest how to meet up for half an hour a couple of times 'ah right yes tomorrow we are going out for v the day to X, yes lots of walking at the edge of cliffs, totally unsuitable for buggy. Erm... But dp will be taking the DC to the playground between 9.30 and 10 while we get ready so why not meet up with him there..? Or we'd love to pop round for a cuppa at 4 etc etc. But just keep contact short and in your control.

Type of thing.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 09/07/2017 10:16

Why was sil in her car? Weird.

Msqueen33 · 09/07/2017 10:16

Regardless of why the child has issues if the adults can't cope then it's not fair on the child. Not everyone is able to cope with additional needs. I say that as a parent of two with Sen. My cousin has a sibling who has children with Sen. She will take two of the child (one with Sen and one without) but not the youngest as she's worried she'd struggle to cope with her kids and her sisters. It's fair enough. Sometimes our four year old is in her buggy a lot as she can't cope and we have to keep her safe.

I feel sorry for the grandma who probably feels blackmailed by her kids.

Dollypartonsbra · 09/07/2017 10:21

You did the right thing, definitely YANBU.
Hopefully this will make them a bit more aware of what your MIL has to endure when you are not there.
We have a similar issue. When we visit DH family our SIL tries to suss out our whole weekend plans to see when we can babysit for them.
Out of a 3 day weekend we had one 4 hour gap free from their kids. They were there some of the time but take very little to do with the kids they may as well not be there!
Some parents are a joke and use and abuse unsuspecting relatives.
At least they now know where you stand and hopefully will not off load into you again.
Your holiday can quickly turn into their babysitting service 😞

Dollypartonsbra · 09/07/2017 10:22

For the sake of these kids all the adults in their lives need to make more of an effort. Starting with their parents.