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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For making DP's sister's come and pick up their children?

385 replies

Boggysib · 09/07/2017 08:26

We were on holiday and visiting points of interest. DP is from the area - we live two hours away and were staying in an hotel along with our kids aged 6 and 1.

We arrived at a certain historical place and were trekking over to its play area. We were about to eat our picnic when it became apparent that our niece (3) and nephews (5 & 2) had been left with us to look at after as only DP's mum arrived.

Both dp and I were BUSY taking turns with the 1 year old.

DP's mum and was chasing after the 3yo while the 2yo was restrained in his buggy the whole time (2 hours or so). He doesn't get let out anywhere. He is a handful and tends to hit other children. I did not feel comfortable letting him loose. He got no interaction the whole time we were at the play area. I gave him a banana and topped up his water bottle.

So it turns out DP's sister's were away - one getting hair done, other cleaning house.

I messaged them both saying one of your children has been abandoned, the other being chased by your mum so she hasn't had a the chance to eat her lunch. I didn't come on holiday for this.....

We didn't get to to do what we had planned that day because we had to babysit their children. They obviously cannot be bothered with their children and dump them on DP's mum at any opportunity.

Wibu for thinking we shouldn't have been put in that position?

OP posts:
Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 09:24

Yes all three at home usually.

It's hard for her.

OP posts:
Sierra259 · 09/07/2017 09:25

I thought OP had mentioned the sisters are single parents? Maybe the fathers aren't in the picture.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 09:25

I am very definitely judging the fathers. All of them.

I wouldn't get involved in sending nasty texts to mil.

I'd never do it again. And I'd tell my DP to sort it.

But it's as clear as the nose on my face that the op doesn't like the SILs

Silverstreaks · 09/07/2017 09:25

YANBU.

MIL was overwhelmed. You were expected to pick up the slack. Other parent/s shrugging off responsibility.

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 09:25

One father is not around, the other only sees kids at the weekend

OP posts:
rookiemere · 09/07/2017 09:26

Well I for one applaud you OP.

You thought you were having a nice extended family day out, instead it turns out that you're essentially the hired help. No chance of DH enjoying time with his DM whilst you're all wrangling these extra DCs - all of an age where they need to be watched constantly to make sure they are ok.

I think it's fine that you texted the Dsis's. No one else was going to do it, and you were one of the ones looking after all their DCs after all.

Good on you OP - can't stand people who moan about things but don't do anything to change them.

Msqueen33 · 09/07/2017 09:27

I'd be annoyed too. I was talking to my mum about childcare and she said a lot of grandparents feel they can't say no as they feel they could get cut off from the kids.

It's nice for cousins to play but if one has issues maybe their parent should be present. My youngest is four and has autism and I wouldn't feel it fair to just leave her in an open space with my older parents who know her well.

I feel sorry for the grandma who obviously doesn't feel she can say no but can't cope. The sil shouldn't have been sat in the bloody car.

Op is on holiday and has children foisted on her. Grandma was probably hoping they'd help as she can't cope.

rollonthesummer · 09/07/2017 09:28

The sisters clearly saw you lot as free childcare!

I'll admit I can't handle the children. It was horrible leaving the 2yo in the buggy but if I had let him loose, then what? He started laying into my one year old the previous day and in an open space I think he'd just run off and most likely hurt himself

Why are you spending so much time with these people who you clearly don't really like when you are supposed to be on holiday??

Increasinglymiddleaged · 09/07/2017 09:29

So why are you judging the SILs' parenting not theirs?

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 09:29

Yeh one of the the sisters I can't relate to. The other I get on with. Well perhaps not anymore.

I appreciate the comments.

I'm kind of new to this new behaviour of mine. I've recently been going through counselling regarding family Estrangement.

I've never been able to stand up to my family. Perhaps outwith my family I find that I can but maybe not in the right way. It's not a great way to learn because potentially I have fucked up relationships with DP's family.

Fuck

OP posts:
longestlurkerever · 09/07/2017 09:30

Reminds me of "it wouldn't hurt you to muck in and help me with childcare for six weeks " variation of a theme.

I do agree it was somewhere between thoughtless and rude on the part of the SILs depending on whether they put their mind to how MIL would cope when she agreed to mind all 3, but really the 1 year old was ill, this day was never going to go well. A simple text saying "you need to get down here, MIL's struggling and we are about to leave" would have done the trick.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 09/07/2017 09:31

Grandma was probably hoping they'd help as she can't cope.

The OP hasn't said this, she said she finds it hard. I'd find it hard too, anyone would but it's up to her to say no to looking after them all.

pigeondujour · 09/07/2017 09:32

It's a bit disingenuous to wonder why the OP isn't cross at the kids' fathers when clearly it was their mothers who had them at that point.

longestlurkerever · 09/07/2017 09:34

Sorry OP, crossed posts. Good on you recognising that there are different ways to handle things. You haven't fucked things up. If you want to build bridges just say "sorry, I went overboard there. It's been a tough day".

rookiemere · 09/07/2017 09:35

Don't beat yourself up Boggysib.

The sisters seem like entitled so and so's and you were absolutely right to call them up on their behaviour.

Yes I can't imagine you'll be top of their Christmas card list, but they didn't have much respect for you anyway so sod them. If they pull you up on it you can say that you were worried about DP's DM and the DCs seem too much for her on her own.

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 09:35

DP's mum should be enjoying her retirement but instead cares for three years young children.

She's said as much. I think she is afraid of saying no. The childcare she does is not on her terms. She's expected to be get on with it and receives hostility if she doesn't.

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 09/07/2017 09:36

I think leaving the 2 year old in the buggy was the best the OP felt she could do at the time. Her own 1 yr old was clingy and starting to come down with something and OP did what she could to keep 2 year old safe.
Sil is in the wrong to leave a child who has behavioural difficulties with mil who had 2 other kids to take care of and with OP who has no experience/knowledge of how to cope with looking after him.

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2017 09:38

Increasingly the others are single mothers and I assume the fathers aren't around

Helloitsme88 · 09/07/2017 09:38

Just explain it was a stressful day due to it not being an age appropriate area for the younger kids. Sounds like it was all a bit haphazard and not properly planned.
The sisters mention a play area? Next time just do that. SO much easier with 5 kids. The 2 eldest would be fine.
What is your DH saying? Maybe he needs to be more assertive here. And an agreement with the sisters- the grandma only has 2 at a time maximum if she feels she can't handle. This sitting in car thing is also just bizarre

Increasinglymiddleaged · 09/07/2017 09:39

It's not a great way to learn because potentially I have fucked up relationships with DP's family.

I doubt it, they sound fairly thick skinned to me, particularly if it is obvious to you that their mother struggles but they seemingly don't notice.

In any case, you had an ill child, got hassled/ stressed out by the situation. All completely understandable really.

I think the key to relationships with anyone is to try and see the bigger picture, consider stuff from their pov, try to imagine what their life is like. It is why aibu isn't really that helpful, responses are very black and white whereas real life is shades of grey. People are a bit unreasonable as we all are sometimes, you work out how it doesn't happen again.

I think your SIL's (and MIL's) lives sound hard, not that this is your fault/ responsibility I think it is important to be sympathetic to that. While not being taken advantage of/ having your holiday ruined.

brummiesue · 09/07/2017 09:40

I'm sorry but leaving an active 2yr old tied up in a buggy in this weather while everyone else played around him all afternoon was not 'for the best' in any circumstances Confused

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 09:41

When DP's mum was telling her daughter her 2yo was good and sat in the buggy the whole time I thought to myself fucks sake! That was utter neglect and absolutely not a good thing.

All I see is three adults (DP's mum, and two sisters) , struggling to meet the basic needs of three children.

OP posts:
GloriaV · 09/07/2017 09:42

Leaving a two year old in a buggy all day whilst others run about would be upsetting, guilt making and verging on cruel.

I would never offer to have a child I had to do this to but seemingly the DGM does. How awful.

No wonder the OP is annoyed. I'd be annoyed with the DGM, annoyed with the SiL and upset over the arrangements for 2 year old.

GloriaV · 09/07/2017 09:43

cross posts there.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 09:45

So your MIL never tells them it's too much for her?

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