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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For making DP's sister's come and pick up their children?

385 replies

Boggysib · 09/07/2017 08:26

We were on holiday and visiting points of interest. DP is from the area - we live two hours away and were staying in an hotel along with our kids aged 6 and 1.

We arrived at a certain historical place and were trekking over to its play area. We were about to eat our picnic when it became apparent that our niece (3) and nephews (5 & 2) had been left with us to look at after as only DP's mum arrived.

Both dp and I were BUSY taking turns with the 1 year old.

DP's mum and was chasing after the 3yo while the 2yo was restrained in his buggy the whole time (2 hours or so). He doesn't get let out anywhere. He is a handful and tends to hit other children. I did not feel comfortable letting him loose. He got no interaction the whole time we were at the play area. I gave him a banana and topped up his water bottle.

So it turns out DP's sister's were away - one getting hair done, other cleaning house.

I messaged them both saying one of your children has been abandoned, the other being chased by your mum so she hasn't had a the chance to eat her lunch. I didn't come on holiday for this.....

We didn't get to to do what we had planned that day because we had to babysit their children. They obviously cannot be bothered with their children and dump them on DP's mum at any opportunity.

Wibu for thinking we shouldn't have been put in that position?

OP posts:
CoffeeBreakIn5 · 09/07/2017 21:32

And I don't think I agree with the posters saying it should have been DH who said something. It annoyed the OP so she said so, I don't see what it wrong with that.

hippyhippyshake · 09/07/2017 21:33

Fucking hell. I think I'm going to scream if someone else says it was a whole day in the buggy. It was two fucking hours. RTFT.

SparkleMotions · 09/07/2017 21:33

@AlmostAJillSandwich

I agree with everything you said! 🙌🏻

Smellbellina · 09/07/2017 21:36

If DP's mum is incapable of looking after her GC why did they leave them with her? Do they usually palm them off to people incapable of seeing to their needs? I know it happens but it's fairly rare!
Happily ignoring a 2yr old for hours is a shitty thing to do. Whoever you are. You're an adult you should have grown out of being mean to little kids because you haven't got all the attention you want by now.
All the kids are within similar age groups! Shock horror at the idea of cousins having a nice time playing together.
Feel sorry for MIL and 2 yet old.

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 21:41

Sister at the hair dressers said it was a one off what happened. She's never left mil alone with the boys on a day out.

But then why was it acceptable in this case? It probably crossed the their minds that it'd be OK because we were there.

Thanks for your support guys Flowers

OP posts:
AntiopeofThemyscira · 09/07/2017 21:44

Do you blame the OP for this situation? If so, why is it OPs fault that 2 mothers went away and never looked near their children, one chose to sit in a car rather than look after the kids, how in gods name can another person take the blame for that?

Hmm the person who wrote the post I quoted in bold in my post was who was addressing. Not sure how that could have been any clearer...

NataliaOsipova · 09/07/2017 21:49

But then why was it acceptable in this case? It probably crossed the their minds that it'd be OK because we were there.

Exactly. Because they had a free babysitter. They just hadn't bothered to ask you.....

FrToddUnctious · 09/07/2017 21:56

Yanbu. They are pisstakers

SaveMeBarry · 09/07/2017 22:10

I don't think you were an asshole Boggy but perhaps in aiming to be assertive (and the SILs were taking the piss) you may have gone in a bit too hard. A bit 0 to 60? I think that's understandable if you're perhaps just getting to grips with sticking up for yourself. While I'd have been annoyed with the situation I think I wouldn't have fired off texts without letting DH and Mil know that I was contacting them.

It seems to me though that once the cheeky so and so disappeared off in her car very early on, it should have been clear to the three remaining adults that the plans for woodland trails, boat trip, play area within the woodland, tours around the house had been thrown into chaos as with the ages and challenges of the children involved it was going to be too difficult.

So for me the obvious thing to do was either immediately ring Ms Disappearing Act and tell her she needed to get back right away OR adjust your plans and bring the children straight to the playground where all 4 mobile ones should have been able to run off energy while still being kept watch over by the three adults. I just can't understand why the chaos was allowed to go for a couple of hours? While you weren't obliged to do anything having not agreed to be responsible for the cousins, you (the adults I mean) could have salvaged something of it.

Anyway, I wouldn't overly worry about it - the Sils took the piss and have been called out on it. There may be some sulking or whatever but hopefully they won't try to take advantage of you and DP again. Mil of course needs to decide for herself how much she is able to do but that's not something you can get involved in.

Thissameearth · 09/07/2017 22:41

I think that's a good post savemebarry

user1494237944 · 09/07/2017 23:00

OP I am staggered at the toxic abuse you have had to endure - you did your best - if was NOT your fault - yes the children are cousins but they are NOT your responsibility - that rests with their parents! How anyone can think sitting in a car park whilst your child is left with other adults even if they are family members is beyond me - MH issues OK - but that is no excuse. I have 4 dc and would never expect anyone to look after them without checking that it was acceptable - people will take advantage - you stood your ground - well done.

Smellbellina · 09/07/2017 23:22

I am staggered at the toxic abuse you have had to endure
But the two year old being left for 2+ hours with no interaction is fine because you, as an adult, deserved better!
Hopefully that toddler learned his lesson. What??

Lemonnaise · 09/07/2017 23:31

But the two year old being left for 2+ hours with no interaction is fine because you, as an adult, deserved better!
Hopefully that toddler learned his lesson. What??

Please read the full thread. OP did interact with the 2 year old. She fed him, talked to him and made sure he was safe.

paxillin · 09/07/2017 23:35

But the two year old being left for 2+ hours with no interaction is fine because you, as an adult, deserved better!

Well yes, poor child, what dreadful parents he's got. Luckily he's got an aunt who at least talked to him, fed him and kept him safe whilst mum fucked off without a second thought knowing granny can't cope. Just as long as her hair doesn't suffer.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 09/07/2017 23:39

The problem was that your MIL said she would look after 3 kids but wasn't in a position to. Sister in laws should have asked you all if was ok but equally mil could have asked you if you could help?

GreenTulips · 09/07/2017 23:54

MIL thought SIL in the car was going to help - not bigger off

Hyperventing · 10/07/2017 00:22

Absolutely disagree that it's either OPs or MILs fault at all. Just because someone is not assertive does not mean it's okay to take the piss. That is what the Sils have done on this occasion. They were very rude to leave their children on what was supposed to be a family day out. Just because they can doesn't mean they should.

On the positive side, OP, you have at least flexed your assertiveness muscles. Please don't let some of the posters on here put you off doing the same in future. I honestly don't believe they wouldn't be pissed off to be dumped with other people's small children on their holidays without being asked. It's irrelevant whether or not you could look after them or should find it easy or not to do so. The point is you were put into a situation where you were forced to. The sils know through past experience that mil would say yes but would struggle to manage on her own, so they definitely should have checked with you too. You could have seen the cousins, with their own mothers, at a more suitable venue, at another time.

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/07/2017 01:01

YWNBU to text the sisters. I think it could probably have been handled better if your DP or MIL were actually prepared to, but it sounds like they weren't.

I have a SIL who frequently sends her 3 kids with her parents to family gatherings. Her reason for doing so isn't selfish, she's almost always working and her job means she's frequently working weekends and holidays, but it's not uncommon for us to invite her family over and then instead of her and the children, PIL and the kids come instead. And it's very different when that happens. The dynamic is totally different. PIL can't handle the children they way SIL can. They aren't particularly badly behaved, but they are energetic and a bit rambunctious and not brought up the way PIL are used to (PIL are fairly old fashioned). And PIL aren't unable to cope, but it gets a bit shouty sometimes and all more stressful. So It becomes work for us rather than a fun family gathering we all get something out of. If my SIL were doing it so she could get her haircut or sit in the car I'd be really pissed off at her and might confront her about it if my DH wouldn't.

I can see that the texts could kick off some family drama and that might not be welcome, but it also has the potential to clear the air a little and set higher expectations for next time you meet up.

PoppyFleur · 10/07/2017 07:35

OP you did nothing wrong. You were there for a weekend away with your family. Your SILs basically tried to get childcare by stealth.

Could you have handled it better/politer text/suffered in silence? No. You asked your SILs to collect the children you had been left looking after. This was not a situation of your making.

Stop feeling guilty and questioning your judgement, they certainly didn't feel guilty when they packed off their children to encroach on your day.

Original poster
Boggysib · 10/07/2017 07:52

If we were to to rewind I'd still not let the 2yo out the buggy.

When I think back well we're sitting on steep hill, a long chute built into the ground. Those wobbly foot bridges for kids walk on. No way.

Well this morning I'm still sticking to my guns. The combination of kids was just unmanageable.

It was horrible to be put into that situation.

OP posts:
Roomster101 · 10/07/2017 08:57

You did nothing wrong OP. It was good that you told your SIL that your MIL is not capable of looking after all three children by herself as she seems incapable of getting that message across herself. They may not take any notice but at least you tried.
Ignore the posters who are criticising you for not being able to look after someone else's children as well as your own. You didn't agree to do that and therefore it was not your job or your responsibility.

rollonthesummer · 10/07/2017 09:12

Are you planning to see them during the remainder of your holiday?

Original poster
Boggysib · 10/07/2017 09:20

We cut these holiday short by an evening and morning.

My 1yo DD was being sick that day so we decided to go home so we had access to clean sheets, washing machine etc.

Mil said she hoped what happened didn't put us off coming down in their future.

DP says that the only way to to stop this happening is to avoid or engineer the situation so that everyone is clear of our plans.

OP posts:
paxillin · 10/07/2017 09:49

Your DP will just have to say to his sisters "if you leave, take the kids".

Roomster101 · 10/07/2017 10:14

Hopefully, your MIL/SIL will reflect on what happened and appreciate that your MIL is not able to look after all three children and that they can't assume that you can help or are willing to help when you haven't even been asked.