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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For making DP's sister's come and pick up their children?

385 replies

Boggysib · 09/07/2017 08:26

We were on holiday and visiting points of interest. DP is from the area - we live two hours away and were staying in an hotel along with our kids aged 6 and 1.

We arrived at a certain historical place and were trekking over to its play area. We were about to eat our picnic when it became apparent that our niece (3) and nephews (5 & 2) had been left with us to look at after as only DP's mum arrived.

Both dp and I were BUSY taking turns with the 1 year old.

DP's mum and was chasing after the 3yo while the 2yo was restrained in his buggy the whole time (2 hours or so). He doesn't get let out anywhere. He is a handful and tends to hit other children. I did not feel comfortable letting him loose. He got no interaction the whole time we were at the play area. I gave him a banana and topped up his water bottle.

So it turns out DP's sister's were away - one getting hair done, other cleaning house.

I messaged them both saying one of your children has been abandoned, the other being chased by your mum so she hasn't had a the chance to eat her lunch. I didn't come on holiday for this.....

We didn't get to to do what we had planned that day because we had to babysit their children. They obviously cannot be bothered with their children and dump them on DP's mum at any opportunity.

Wibu for thinking we shouldn't have been put in that position?

OP posts:
bemusedbewildered · 09/07/2017 19:53

I feel sorry for the kids and the MiL - if anything like my sisters, I imagine MIL knows if she refuses care the SILs will take it out on the kids anyway because they feel frustrated.

Thank goodness at least children get some free nursery time at 3, it should be available at 2 in my view.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 19:54

Couldn't you have put your child in the buggy even for 10 mins?

Why did you have to be sending the nasty texts to your mil? Doesn't your DP possess a phone?

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 20:01

I wish I hadn't texted mil. She didn't engage or acknowledge what I was saying anyway. I've apologised for it.

I know that on the one hand she's confided in me about how difficult she has found all the childcare but I think on the other hand she'll be saying none of the sort to her daughters.

So I've made a complete arse of myself. At the end of the day it's up to mil to sort it out
I feel bad for her but I know where her loyalties lie.

Lesson bloody learned. Keep one's nose out. Turn a blind eye. Sweep all that shit under the rug
The pretence,that all is fucking wonderful.

OP posts:
Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 20:02

Why didn't your DP text?

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 20:07

Dp said he would have contacted them, just not in the way I did. More like "we need to get on and go on the boat trip, when are you coming back?" type thing.

It turned out we were never getting the chance to explore the area. We'd paid to use the facilities but we babysat (terribly) instead.

OP posts:
PodgeBod · 09/07/2017 20:07

I think the one who was possibly sitting in the car was massively taking the piss, however the one at the hairdressers seems fair enough as she thought her sister would be there to look after the 3yo. I don't think asking your mum to look after a 2yo and 5yo is dumping them or palming them off, especially as a single parent with a child with possible SN.
I feel very sad for the 2yo left in the buggy all the time. I would have juggled things around so he got at least some time out with an adult 1 to 1. Like when your husband took your 1yo to the swings.
I imagine having the 5yo cousin there made for a nicer day out for your 6yo. Day would probably have been very different if 3yo's mother stayed so I can see why MIL thought it was a good idea.

SafeToCross · 09/07/2017 20:08

That poor 2 year old. He will be very sad and possibly very bad when he is older Sad. He needs decent 1:1 attention every day but especially in challenging situations like days out. Not fair on you or MIL, I don't think ywbu to ring them, I wonder if sister in car also often gets left with the other sisters children or finds it hard to cope with the 2yo? At least the sister at the hairdressers apologised. However, I wonder if when you see them (and are not on your holiday) you and DH could possibly plan ahead for him to engage with the 2 yo a bit. He could make a great difference to him.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 20:09

I think you need to be clearer - or rather your DP does - on what you're there for.

If it's

Holiday and we will see you odd times for short visits when it suits us

Or

We are visiting where I grew up to show the kids, and so we can do family visits

Maybe let him go himself the next time

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2017 20:10

So you didn't get to go on a trip you'd planned?
People seem to agree that the 2yo is being neglected but any solutions so far are tinkering round the edges imo

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 20:15

The sister at the hair dressers said that Mil has the 3yo nearly every day.

She also said she knew mil would be watching her boys because the hairdressers appointment was planned. She had picked them up especially from their dads (their relationship is not good and full of arguments) so they could spend time with cousins.

She did not realise we had to end up watching the boys.

I can't talk about it with dp now. I reckon he thinks I was the one that voiced my opinion. He's no intention of speaking about it with his mum.

I put my hand up to being an arse but he was of the opinion that this situation was out of order too!

Why the fuck do I bother.

OP posts:
user1495025590 · 09/07/2017 20:16

so OP's husband was watching his 6 year old daughter and her 5 year old cousin.

yet in her OP she says her DH and her were busy taking turns with the baby Hmm

And 6 year olds do not need following round a playground

OP-the venue did not begin with H did it?

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 20:20

Then you have a DP problem, as they say on here.

user1495025590 · 09/07/2017 20:21

At the end of the day though the OP and her DH did NOT end up looking after the cousins at all did they? The 2 ye old was left parked in his buggy and the MIL was looking after the other little one

paxillin · 09/07/2017 20:22

I think your DH should take your kids to see MIL by himself next time. I bet he won't let the SILs do a runner then.

bemusedbewildered · 09/07/2017 20:23

i don't think you did anything wrong really op - it's a shame your DP isn't backing you up. Yes, he should've done it, but you didn't say anything that bad - at the end of the day a 2 year old was stuck in a pushchair and the MIL couldn't cope. Just let it settle a bit, it'll blow over.

Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 20:24

The 5yo did need watched, he wasn't allowed to go on things like the flying fox apparently (my 6yo said to me).

It didn't begin with H no. It was a big 18th century estate with woodland trails, boat trip, play area within the woodland, tours around the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 20:27

To be honest I just want to withdraw from them anyway. Leave it up to dp to sort birthday presents.

Fuck it I'll sulk about this.

If they want to take advantage of mil and in return she let's them then who am I to get in their way.

But will it fuck happen to me again. Hell no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boggysib · 09/07/2017 20:31

I've had a lifetime of bullying from my own family.

Lifetime of them pushing my boundary. And when I finally find the strength to tell them no, stop treating me like shit I get the cold shoulder.

So yesterday felt very much like they were pushing boundaries. I thought I was supposed to react to to that. Not take it lying down like I always do.

But again I'm the arse hole it looks like.

OP posts:
bemusedbewildered · 09/07/2017 20:35

i guess from a perfect mumsnet etiquette perspective, you should've set the boundary 'i'm not looking after these kids' with DP, and let him deal with what to do about that. As I said though, in the real world, what you did was fine, you set the boundary directly with your SIL, it's not like you were abusive or foul mouthed.

I think what you did was better than not saying anything, fwiw. It may yet do some good you never know.

PodgeBod · 09/07/2017 20:36

You're not an arsehole. But i agree, leave them to it. It's up to your mil to stand up to her daughters. I just feel really sad for the 2yo.
At least you know what they're like so won't get caught out again.

MadMags · 09/07/2017 20:37

I think you've let your history with your family cloud your perspective in this situation.

Lemonnaise · 09/07/2017 20:51

But again I'm the arse hole it looks like

No you're not. The arseholes are the ones who think it's ok to leave 3 kids, age 5 and under with an exhausted granny.

rookiemere · 09/07/2017 21:16

MIL may have agreed to look after 2 yr old and 5 yr old but not the 3 yr old - we know this because OP states that SIL went to car to get something, then never returned- doesn't sound like prearranged childcare to me.

And some people are being ridiculous to prove a point. So now 5 and 6 yr olds should be left unwatched in a busy public playground ?. Sure they don't need the full on attention of say a demanding , potentially SN 2 yr old, but someone does need to check that they are in vision at all times, which would be rather difficult when looking after aforementioned 2 yr old.

OP and her DPs primary responsibility here was safety of all the DCs which they maintained. Shame they didnt get to see round the venue they'd paid to gain entry to and was picked by non attending SILs

Don't beat yourself up OP, particularly not when there's so many mumsnetters seemingly happy to do it on your behalf.

BarbarianMum · 09/07/2017 21:21

Nope OP. I've read through all 7 pages and I still don't think you have done anything wrong.

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 09/07/2017 21:27

OP YANBU at all - I would have done the exact same thing. You are on holiday visiting them and one SIL went off to,get her hair done and the other was cleaning the house/sat in the car? Absolutely I'd be texting them both about how difficult things were and requesting that they come back. MIL sounds like she doesn't have the bottle to stand up to them and of course wants to be supportive if they are lone parents. But to do that was unacceptable and I wouldn't be standing for it.

SIL with the 3yo sounds like she has some MH issues really, sitting in the car whilst MIL takes her child is perhaps the only way she can guarantee her DD gets out and about. And one child is actually not that difficult, the other SIL seems like she should be focusing on her 2 yo rather than getting her hair done. The behaviour and consequences are not at all usual for a 2yo and she risks making problems worse.