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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For making DP's sister's come and pick up their children?

385 replies

Boggysib · 09/07/2017 08:26

We were on holiday and visiting points of interest. DP is from the area - we live two hours away and were staying in an hotel along with our kids aged 6 and 1.

We arrived at a certain historical place and were trekking over to its play area. We were about to eat our picnic when it became apparent that our niece (3) and nephews (5 & 2) had been left with us to look at after as only DP's mum arrived.

Both dp and I were BUSY taking turns with the 1 year old.

DP's mum and was chasing after the 3yo while the 2yo was restrained in his buggy the whole time (2 hours or so). He doesn't get let out anywhere. He is a handful and tends to hit other children. I did not feel comfortable letting him loose. He got no interaction the whole time we were at the play area. I gave him a banana and topped up his water bottle.

So it turns out DP's sister's were away - one getting hair done, other cleaning house.

I messaged them both saying one of your children has been abandoned, the other being chased by your mum so she hasn't had a the chance to eat her lunch. I didn't come on holiday for this.....

We didn't get to to do what we had planned that day because we had to babysit their children. They obviously cannot be bothered with their children and dump them on DP's mum at any opportunity.

Wibu for thinking we shouldn't have been put in that position?

OP posts:
allthingsred · 09/07/2017 15:45

It sounds like your mil had agreed to look after her grandchildren. & thought it would have been nice to get all the cousins together on a trip out.
If your on holiday visiting them. it may not happen all the time. Personally I don't think it would bother me having to watch my niece/ nephew for a few hours even if it was a little more hard work than I would want.
Especially if it's a 1 off.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 15:46

Why didn't your DP text his sisters? And his mum after the event ? Why did you do that?

TipTopTipTopClop · 09/07/2017 15:47

Happy for you to have my 3 on your next holiday.

Well, it's 2 (not 3), you're not my SIL Wink and it sounds more like a few hours than an entire holiday. Otherwise, point taken.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 15:49

I just think there was a mis match - to you it was a holiday but to your mil, SILs and possibly DP it was visit family so for spending time with cousins etc

Getoutofthatgarden · 09/07/2017 16:00

Only on Mumsnet would someone be slated for daring to object to being free childcare for two lazy mothers. OP I think you done the right thing texting them. Why on earth people on here are spouting nonsense about "3 adults should be able to care for 5 children" baffles me, are people on here really that thick? They are completely missing the point.

GreenTulips · 09/07/2017 16:04

but to your mil, SILs and possibly DP it was visit family so for spending time with cousins

So OP should care for the cousins? why couldn't the sisters care for OPs kids and spend time 'with the cousins'

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 16:16

Absolutely - and why shouldn't the DP do it since it was his family?

I just wonder if there's a mismatch in expectation of what the visit / holiday was for?

Roomster101 · 09/07/2017 16:19

It doesn't matter how the SIL perceived the situation. The point is they shouldn't have assumed that OP and her DH would be happy to look after their children if they hadn't asked.

MadMags · 09/07/2017 16:24

Nobody is "thick" GetOut.

MIL is a grown woman, who agreed to have the children. If OP was in a snit about it, she should have left or spoken to MIL about it, not taken it upon herself to text SILs.

After all, she didn't want to interfere enough to take the two year old out of the pram for five minutes. Just enough to have a go at her partner's sisters.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 16:25

But they asked the MIL who said she was fine - they didn't know the op was doing child care and no one told them until some poor toddler had been stuck in a buggy for 2 hours.

Getoutofthatgarden · 09/07/2017 16:30

MIL is a grown woman, who agreed to have the children

OP has already said MIL is forced into having the children, the SILs huff if they don't get their own way.

not taken it upon herself to text SILs
Why shouldn't OP have text the SILs? This situation directly affected her so why not text?

she didn't want to interfere enough to take the two year old out of the pram for five minutes
I'm afraid you are missing the point. OP never agreed to look after the two year old. This whole situation is DCs mothers fault 100%.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 16:32

Mil has a mouth. They aren't exactly chaining her to the buggy like the 2 year old ffs.

It's up to mil and SILs to sort their own relationship and no good will come of the op sending snotty texts. Her DP - who is the brother/son - needs to be the one texting

Crushsick · 09/07/2017 16:36

I just think there are several adults here that should be ashamed of themselves for how the two year old has been treated.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/07/2017 16:37

Cannot believe some of these posts!
OP had her hands full with a clingy, unwell, breast feeding one year old, that was her completely occupied.

Op's husband was supervising the 6 and 5 year olds, in what was clearly quite a big open space with lots of people, they couldn't be left to wander around not being watched! So he was fully occupied with those two. Are some of you SERIOUSLY suggesting 6 and 5 year old should have been left, unsupervised, in a big open outdoor place?!

MIL was occupied with 3 year old, who was running around, wanting to play with 5 and 6 year olds but understandably is too little to do so when some of the play equipment was just too big for her. If as suggested she is a bit "wild" for whatever reason and is used to just running free, and especially as MIL is clearly older, it makes sense MIL was completely occupied with the 3 year old.

There simply wasn't anyone available to appropriately care for the 2 year old, especially if he is aggressive to other children! OP has stated in later posts he was aggressive and violent towards her 1 year old the previous day, it would have been absolutely impossible for OP to care for her 1 year old who would need holding/carrying, be the one looking after all the bags, AND let the 2 year old out, who would likely run off. OP and her husband don't sound like they have regular contact due to distance so were effectively strangers to the little boy which would not have helped. I certainly wouldn't feel confident taking responsibility for a child who is aggressive and violent, not only would i not want to be hit and kicked myself, but i wouldn't want to be responsible for trying to stop them doing so to all the other kids around. 5 children amongst 3 adults simply doesnt work when those 5 children split 4 ways!

The mother of the 2 and 5 year olds was getting her hair done, but only left because she believed her sister, mother of the 3 year old, would be present.

Mother of the 3 year old was apparently sitting in her car in the car park. Had she come to the play area, SHE could have observed/chased after/cared for her own 3 year old, and MIL, who is familiar to the 2 year old, could have cared for him, let him out of the buggy, and played with him one on one.

At the end of the day, this family NEEDS to communicate with each other more. The 2 year old has some additional needs, behavioural issues, or something. Being so violent and uncontrollable all the time isn't normal, whether it is medical or due to neglect, it NEEDS investigating, for the poor childs sake. The mother clearly isn't coping with him, and restraining him in a buggy or high chair all the time, won't help. Mother of the 3 year old also needs some help, being a single mother is hard, if she honestly needs to sit in a car park in her car alone instead of looking after her own child, even when it means the other caring adults are stretched too thin, something is wrong there too. As for poor MIL, she wants to do right by her daughters, she sees them struggle as single parents, gets moaned at how they need a break, and ends up caring for the kids, sometimes all 3 at once, when it is too much for her and at times when she honestly doesn't want to, but gets hostile responses when she voices her desire to have time to herself not as a childminder. It's not healthy for anyone involved, especially that poor little 2 year old boy.

Roomster101 · 09/07/2017 16:50

MIL is a grown woman, who agreed to have the children. If OP was in a snit about it, she should have left or spoken to MIL about it, not taken it upon herself to text SILs.

She had every right to "take it upon herself" to text the SIL because she was in the position of having to help the MIL look after the children and she hadn't agreed to do that. It would be different if they knew the MIL was perfectly able to look after the children by herself but she has told them she isn't.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 09/07/2017 16:52

Doesn't her DP have a phone? In that kind of situation it is always better to come from the brother /son / sister etc - the direct family member.

LaContessaDiPlump · 09/07/2017 16:53
Roomster101 · 09/07/2017 16:55

It's up to mil and SILs to sort their own relationship and no good will come of the op sending snotty texts. Her DP - who is the brother/son - needs to be the one texting

I disagree as the MIL obviously hasn't been able to get the message across. That may or may not be her fault but I think it is good the OP has stepped in and tried to make the SIL understand that the MIL is not up to it for the children's sake.

Getoutofthatgarden · 09/07/2017 16:56

Doesn't her DP have a phone? In that kind of situation it is always better to come from the brother /son / sister etc - the direct family member

Not necessarily, the MIL has already tried to speak up and wasn't taken seriously.

Urubu · 09/07/2017 17:02

You chose to neglect the 2 yo because you or your DP couldn't be bothered with him, hardly the SILs fault especially as they were left with the MIL
Mmmh so the MIL chose to neglet the 2yo, not OP, why are you blaming her Hmm

MadMags · 09/07/2017 17:09

Yeah, but OP gets to go home now and leave MIL to deal with the fall out.

It's all well and good speaking up if you're there to help with the potential mess you've created.

But OP will finish her holiday and go back to her life and I doubt very much this will be the end of MIL having the children.

This was one day, a snapshot of lives that OP isn't really involved in.

Dollypartonsbra · 09/07/2017 17:22

So by highlighting how unreasonable it was maybe the SIL will do it less now?
Sorry OP, you were not being unreasonable.
Honestly, we have had threads all week about parents dumping kids on unsuspecting carers.
It's never ok

witsender · 09/07/2017 17:30

I think you were proving a point by leaving the poor child in a buggy tbh. There were 4 mobile children and 3 adults. 6 and 5 yr old play together, one chases 3 yr old while 1 watches 2 leaving someone breastfeeding 1 yr old when necessary and playing/mucking in when not.

I get the SILs and MIL were ineffectual/rubbish and that's annoying and definitely something to be cross about, but the 2 yr old in a buggy all day ignored is on you guys tbh, you obviously know it isn't cool or you wouldn't moan judge about your sisters in law doing it.

Getoutofthatgarden · 09/07/2017 17:33

witsender

MIL was not ineffectual/rubbish, she was run ragged looking after the 3 year old.

but the 2 yr old in a buggy all day ignored is on you guys
No it's on the childs mother for not discussing/asking if OP agreed to look after HER child.

AntiopeofThemyscira · 09/07/2017 17:41

No it's on the childs mother for not discussing/asking if OP agreed to look after HER child.

Can we apply that to all child neglect situations? Get away with behaving questionably as an onlooker because it's on the parent, who isn't actually there? For whatever reason.