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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to give up our dog?

246 replies

pinklemonade84 · 08/07/2017 21:05

We're currently on the local council housing list in a band c as we live with the in laws after moving back to the area after the death of my mum.

My health visitor wrote a letter in support of our housing application as she feels that the environment is not beneficial to dd's development or my mental health. I phoned housing a fortnight later and got through to some incredibly snotty man who made out that because I hadn't been able to complete a 45 minute call to refer myself for counselling and am currently just under the care of my gp that my health visitor was a liar.

The in laws have asked us to be out of here by the end of October and have written confirming that, which we had faxed over to the housing department yesterday.

I phoned to check it had been received and got through to the same man I have previously spoken to. And once again he started with an attitude because only half of the letter had been scanned across to them.

He then proceeded to lecture me about us not having applied for flats that had come up the previous week 45 minutes away. So I explained that we had a dog, that a lot of the flats only seem to take certain age groups and that we were hoping to stay in this area for family support due to dd being epileptic. He got quite patronising and said that we would have to start thinking of our options sooner rather than later and I asked if he was advising us to get rid of our dog to which he replied "I'm advising no such thing" and repeated what he said about thinking about our options. But, it was obvious what he was implying.

I came off the phone and relayed the conversation to my husband who went up the wall and said that when we phone a department for support we shouldn't be made to feel like the dirt beneath their feet.

This dog was bought for us by my mum as our joint christmas present back in 2012 and we adore him. I would eat beans on toast everyday to make sure he had his food if we ever got to a point of not being able to afford to feed him or keep him deflead etc. Aibu in not wanting to get rid of him and wanting to find housing that will allow us to keep him with us?

OP posts:
KeiraH · 09/07/2017 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 20:34

I'M NOT SPONGING OFF ANYONE!

I am claiming what I'm entitled to! That is not sponging!

I've not actually been offered any of these flats. So I don't see where you've got the idea from that I've been offered a secure home!

OP posts:
Chathamhouserules · 09/07/2017 20:35

I'd love to have a dog but can't afford a dog sitter while I work. Sometimes we just have to compromise... and there's no point being close to your inlaws if they can't help you.

Chathamhouserules · 09/07/2017 20:37

Well it would be nice for dd and dh, but not important in a housing list sense

KeiraH · 09/07/2017 20:38

You are sponging of your in laws. They be put you up when you apparently had nowhere else to go only to be rewarded by you bitching about how their home isn't good enough for your need, yet in the next breath you say that you are happy to stay there to save for a deposit?! Nothing of what you say make sense. You contradict yourself and make excuses. Open up your options, make compromises and maybe then you ll have a chance of secure home rather than bitch on here about how the man wasn't polite enough for your liking. I consider myself a pretty chilled back person but your ridiculous attitude made me so angry that I can't say I blame him for snapping. Assuming he did at all.

wannabestressfree · 09/07/2017 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannabestressfree · 09/07/2017 20:40

And the dog......
next door to me 'rehoused' theirs for a month. Storm the staffy is now back.....

NoSquirrels · 09/07/2017 20:42

I do think posters might remember the "peace and love" bit from MN here... the OP may be frustrating you with her lack of action (on a Sunday!) but she's not the worst person in the world to have been in this situation.

OP Flowers I am sorry about the loss of your mum.
I think you should seriously consider looking for work yourself, now, alongside your DH. As many people have mentioned, care workor cleaning work is usually easy-ish to come by. If you happen to get employed before your DH, then he can watch DD. If a really great job/interview/opportunity came up for him, you could arrange your shifts to let him take the chance, or find someone to watch DD. If his job turned out to be better, you could quit and go back to being DD's carer, and he could work.

Don't be rigid, is what everyone is saying. Take on board that how you thought things would be is perhaps not the best course of action.

Also, sounds to me as if your ILs aren't much "support" at all, so factor them out of your decision-making. It is good they would have the dog, though, if it came to it - that is a big weight off your mind I hope.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 20:44

If they didn't want to take us in then they wouldn't have suggested so!

We are in on bedroom with dd's cot pushed up against the wall. Our bed against that. 2 sets of drawers and not enough space on the floor for dd to play. Of course I'm going to want more space.

Yes we were going to save for a few months if my husband got a job before we got housed. What would be the point of taking a council house/flat if we could afford to go private? It wouldn't have been ideal, but like everyone seems so quick to tell me, not everything is and compromises need to be made!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/07/2017 20:45

But you're not prepared to make any?Confused

wannabestressfree · 09/07/2017 20:50

You have been on here a while talking about this/ father in law being awful. This is not a new situation is it?
Peace and love.

KeiraH · 09/07/2017 20:52

You sound more and more ridiculous and melodramatic. This isn't good for my blood pressure so I am walking away. Do you know how many people have started out in similar conditions?! Or in a studio with a baby?! You are being offered help, you are lucky they haven't found you intentionally homeless because my LA would have, as you have left your home willingly without arranging suitable accommodation first. You are making demands when you are not in a position to. Leave your dog with your in laws. Move further away, because really as it turned out they offer you non of the support you ve allegedly moved down there for. Listen to what people are telling you. Make compromises and put your daughter first. You don't listen to what anyone have said. You have an excuse ready for why you can't help yourself. This is like banging ones head against a wall. Pointless. Good luck. Hope it works out for you

NoSquirrels · 09/07/2017 20:53

Why don't you want to look for work too, pink? Is it because you think DD wouldn't be OK with DH? Or DH would be unhappy about being left jn charge as the SAHP/carer?

Or is it something you think you might look into now? You've not got long to save up a deposit, if one of you were to find work now you would need to save hard to be OK by October, it's only 3 months of paychecks.

harshbuttrue1980 · 09/07/2017 20:54

Oh well, OP, you may as well just accept that you are going to be out on the streets. You can't be arsed to work and won't take any accommodation that is less than perfect, and can't give up your dog. Therefore, you may as well make a start. Find a shop doorway and get a sleeping bag. You'd be able to keep your dog, but your kids would have to be fostered while you sleep rough. But, hey, being homeless and losing your kids is much better than having to get a job, live in a flat, rehome your dog or travel through a city to be able to visit your family. (says me, who lives in a flat,can't have a dog as I work full-time, lives on the other end of the country to my family, gets up at 5 to commute to work etc etc - just like millions of ordinary people!!!)

WillRikersExtraNipple · 09/07/2017 20:55

Why can't she play in the living room or anywhere else in the house?

WillRikersExtraNipple · 09/07/2017 20:57

I'M NOT SPONGING OFF ANYONE!

You are three extra people in someone elses house and you only pay for your own food. You are not paying your way.

You constantly contradict yourself.

Floralnomad · 09/07/2017 20:58

I'm sorry I know it's bad form searching old posts but what jobs have either you or your dh ever had as on the one that popped up you said your mother died and you were both made redundant as you were both her carers . Have either of you ever held down a full time job out of the home ?

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 20:59

My husband was the one who said he would prefer to be the one to find work as dd's seizures are so unexpected due to there being no triggers. When dd has a seizure, the only one who can settle her after them is me. It's me that holds her through them. And me that comforts her after them.

OP posts:
doobree · 09/07/2017 21:00

The majority of posts on here are vile and heartless.

Also, I think if the OP has been referred for counselling and by her own admission cannot stop thinking about the death of her mum, she is likely suffering from some depression and this makes a difficult situation worse.

Few people have superhuman abilities to deal perfectly with everything that life throws at them. If you have, then just be grateful for that and KINDLY give another person some help.

She cannot force her FIL to look after her DD if he does not want to. And the referral calls can often be in depth and upsetting so not easy to do with a child that may have an epileptic fit at any moment.

The OP is already grieving and just needs a bit of time to adjust her hopes and come to terms with what is happening. This thread could have been supportive and understanding and helped her do this. Who on earth would want to rehome their dog? She hasn't said that she won't, just that she wishes she didn't have to and is surprised that it is so difficult to also home a pet.

A lot of people live in ignorant bliss of what awaits them if they lose their health, money and home and would be moer than taken aback at the realities of the housing system.

And the housing man has no excuse for being rude and officious. It is not his job to judge people, especially if they are not repsonsible for letters not arriving.

Many posters on here are just determined to see and pick out the worst. I've reported the thread.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 21:01

Floral we have both worked in offices and shops before

OP posts:
doobree · 09/07/2017 21:01

I think you should stop posting pinklemon. Mmost people aren't actually reading your answers properly but are just looking to give you a kicking.

NoSquirrels · 09/07/2017 21:06

My husband was the one who said he would prefer to be the one to find work

pink perhaps you need to rethink this together.

  1. because two people looking for work doubles the chances someone in your family will get paid employment

  2. because as her father he needs to be able to deal with her fits (what if, God forbid, something happened to you?)

  3. because it would give you a focus that is not related to your feelings of powerlessness over your IL situation.

I would seriously discuss with your DH you BOTH seeking employment.

Flowers good luck.

wannabestressfree · 09/07/2017 21:10

Housing advisors job is to 'manage your expectations'. There is a huge shortage of homes. Her parents in law are obviously sat in a council house that's too big for them.... why can't they swap for a one bed? Things have changed.... she is not single, she has an able husband, they need to save and go private.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 21:16

Actually they own their home. So they're not sat in a council house too big for them.

I just want to say thank you to the posters who have been constructive and kind. Who haven't immediately gone to stick the boot in when I'm already feeling pretty crap about everything.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 09/07/2017 21:18

Then I apologise. You implied the estate they live on was where you would like a house.

I am glad you have replied and challenged the one thing you feel I have wrong though. Not the several things I have right.

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