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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to give up our dog?

246 replies

pinklemonade84 · 08/07/2017 21:05

We're currently on the local council housing list in a band c as we live with the in laws after moving back to the area after the death of my mum.

My health visitor wrote a letter in support of our housing application as she feels that the environment is not beneficial to dd's development or my mental health. I phoned housing a fortnight later and got through to some incredibly snotty man who made out that because I hadn't been able to complete a 45 minute call to refer myself for counselling and am currently just under the care of my gp that my health visitor was a liar.

The in laws have asked us to be out of here by the end of October and have written confirming that, which we had faxed over to the housing department yesterday.

I phoned to check it had been received and got through to the same man I have previously spoken to. And once again he started with an attitude because only half of the letter had been scanned across to them.

He then proceeded to lecture me about us not having applied for flats that had come up the previous week 45 minutes away. So I explained that we had a dog, that a lot of the flats only seem to take certain age groups and that we were hoping to stay in this area for family support due to dd being epileptic. He got quite patronising and said that we would have to start thinking of our options sooner rather than later and I asked if he was advising us to get rid of our dog to which he replied "I'm advising no such thing" and repeated what he said about thinking about our options. But, it was obvious what he was implying.

I came off the phone and relayed the conversation to my husband who went up the wall and said that when we phone a department for support we shouldn't be made to feel like the dirt beneath their feet.

This dog was bought for us by my mum as our joint christmas present back in 2012 and we adore him. I would eat beans on toast everyday to make sure he had his food if we ever got to a point of not being able to afford to feed him or keep him deflead etc. Aibu in not wanting to get rid of him and wanting to find housing that will allow us to keep him with us?

OP posts:
WillRikersExtraNipple · 09/07/2017 16:49

But, I won't do that to jump the queue

But you'll lie about your in laws to jump the queue?

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 16:50

I'm not lying about my in laws! Don't be so ridiculous!

OP posts:
WillRikersExtraNipple · 09/07/2017 16:53

You said you need to be near them as they support you but you also said they don't help you and are actually bad for your mental health and for your DD.
Can't all be true.

Wolfiefan · 09/07/2017 16:54

So you don't HAVE to move out at all? You would just prefer to? And to a house? That takes dogs? In the right area?
YABU and incredibly entitled.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 16:56

FloofyCat my husband is the one who stands a better chance of finding employment, which is why he is the one focusing on finding work.

We currently manage on child benefit, which we use for dd's nappies, milk, food etc. And my husband and I use his job seekers allowance. I do have an appointment this week with citizen's advice to help fill in a dla form. And I need to appeal a tax credits decision as they're not taking into account that our income has dropped by more than £2500

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 09/07/2017 17:01

The room we have is bad for her. Because we can't put her down on the floor in our room to play with toys in case she does have a fit and hits her head

Use a different room? Cover the floor with duvets etc? FIL should be perfectly capable of watching his granddaughter whilst you make a call in a different room in the same house.

You're thinking very rigidly and I don't think is feasible when you're looking for housing. I think you need to be willing to compromise more - you've already said PILS would have the dog, so wouldn't that be a reasonable start?!

wondering23 · 09/07/2017 17:04

Even if the man on the phone had been unacceptably rude, he is just stating facts. The rudeness doesn't make any difference to the actual housing situation.

There is a housing crisis in this country and there is insufficient housing stock to accommodate this level of choice. Your options are either to hold out for a home in the right area which accepts your dog and risk being homeless in October, or re-evaluate your priorities and give yourself a better chance of avoiding homelessness in 3 months. You might not like it, but that's the reality.

I appreciate you love your dog, but if your housing situation is this insecure you aren't really in a position to be a pet owner. I'd love a dog but don't have one because I live on a busy road. Unless I can afford to move I won't be getting one, because my housing situation isn't appropriate to be a pet owner. I don't like it, but it's the way it is.

LogicalPsycho · 09/07/2017 17:11

You aren't desperate enough and that's fair enough. There are people out there who need a home more than you do. If you don't like certain areas because of their reputation and you consider going through a town centre too much like hard work, you really aren't homeless enough.

^This.

When I was 7 months pregnant with DS, my XH met someone else and made me homeless. I went to my mums, heartbroken, and contacted the Council for help as a heavily pregnant woman sleeping on her DM's sofa in her flat.
I was homeless and desperate, and said that as soon as there was a 2 bedroom home free, any area, I'd take it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. I was offered a house in a shit area with a high crime rate, but I still cried with joy at being able to call a place my own before DS was born. I moved on when he was 2 but still feel grateful that when I was at my lowest, I had a home.

Why can your family only provide support to you if you're right on their doorstep in the nicer area OP?

It doesn't sound too much of a pressing issue really, when you're saying to the council "We're going to be homeless, please house us APAP! Oh, but it needs to be in this area, and it also needs to accept that pooch comes too"

Given the stipulations you insist need to be met before you'll deign to consider a free house, you sound neither homeless nor desperate.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 09/07/2017 17:15

We read here about people who are desperate for social housing, in real extremis.

You won't take something that is not in your preferred area and allow your pet. YABU and horribly entitled.

harshbuttrue1980 · 09/07/2017 17:20

Why would it be easier for your DH to get a job rather than you?? Surely you should BOTH be looking. As someone else suggested, you have been a carer - agencies are crying out for carers, cleaners etc. Sounds like you are just expecting to sit on your backside and get everything given to you on a plate. Not going to happen! You have a CHILD who may end up homeless. Are you really going to let that happen rather than move further away, get rid of a mutt or - god forbid - get a job???

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 17:23

I was on carers allowance! My husband was the one employed and who received the training! Which is why he would stand a better chance of finding work than me!

OP posts:
Hercules12 · 09/07/2017 17:24

You both need to step up to the plate here. Start looking for childcare which could take your dd. I appreciate this won't be easy but there's a good chance it's possible. Talk to your hv for advice.
Whilst doing this you both look for jobs. As people say there has to he sacrifices.
Few people have an easy ride from being in a position where they are on the edge of homelessness.
In the future once you have accommodation you can rethink your options.
Could you both do alternate shifts? Dh used to work nights and I days and we so swopped at the door. Did this for a few years.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 09/07/2017 17:25

But if you both looked for work you would have a better chance of one of you finding work, overall.

FloofyCat · 09/07/2017 17:30

So you're not even attempting to look for work yourself.

You're living in your in laws house while they pay pretty much all the costs of housing you and your DH, while you send letters off saying that their environment is "damaging" to you and your DD's health. And your ILs have written a letter to say they are kicking you out, so either they are simply just saying this to bump you up the lists and don't want you to leave, or they genuinely do want you to leave - and your priority is starting a thread about how you should be able to have a house for your dog and how you think someone wasn't polite enough to yo.

Basically someone is paying your bills to house your whole family and has asked you to leave as they can't afford it - and you're not even looking for work and you don't feel any embarrassment about this at all. Look, I know MN is a place for support but I think the best support/advice anyone can give you is to give your head a bit of a wobble and start taking some personal responsibility. Your DD and a roof over your head is your responsibility and you need to start doing all you can instead of sitting back complaining about everyone else.

In your shoes I would be ashamed to act like this. I would be doing absolutely anything I could to help myself whether it was making 45min phone calls or spending any spare time looking for work. You need to take some responsibility.

Conniedescending · 09/07/2017 17:36

Completely agree you need to step up and take some responsibility. Not the councils fault is it

LogicalPsycho · 09/07/2017 17:43

The room we have is bad for her. Because we can't put her down on the floor in our room to play with toys in case she does have a fit and hits her head

If FIL isn't capable of watching DD and keep her safe while you make a phone call in the next room, or go and search for a job, what real practical use is he offering that means you need to remain in that area?
Genuine question.

LavenderDoll · 09/07/2017 17:48

There are areas in the north west where housing is available widen the search area
Try Bury Preston Chorley Blackburn

Laiste · 09/07/2017 17:52

WillRikersExtraNipple - You said you need to be near them as they support you but you also said they don't help you and are actually bad for your mental health and for your DD.

this bit is confusing me as well. Why do you need to be near your ILs? They can't even help you make time for a phone call! Confused

The worry about proximity to DDs medical care is the only thing which warrant special attention IMO. Dogs and (ineffectual) inlaws shouldn't be a priority. Similarly someone's attitude down the phone is not what you should be focusing on right now.

Floralnomad · 09/07/2017 17:53

Was your carers allowance for your mum ? If the caravan is suitable you could live in it , just tell the job centre you are moving and he can get on a similar course or find a job near there . What was he doing before , what is he qualified to do ?

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 17:55

How are they meeting all of our costs when we pay for our own food and contribute what we can to their bills?

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 17:58

Yes the carers allowance was for my mum. I've been advised to apply again dependant on what level of dla dd is awarded

OP posts:
LogicalPsycho · 09/07/2017 17:59

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Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 09/07/2017 18:05

Bloody hell, this sort of attitude is exactly what gets people on benefits a bad name! You know what I'd love to live close to a support network to help us but can't because of our jobs, we would love a dog but can't because of the fact we are out at work! Council houses are there as a safety net. if I was about to be made homeless I would be doing everything I could, working every hour my DJ was at home to make sure that my DS had a roof over his head even if I (god forbid) had to cross a city and not demanding this and that. Leave the dog with your parents in law. Take a roof over your head and be grateful that you have that option. you sound so entitled it's unbelievable. People have to accept the compromises you are being asked to make that people have to make every day to pay taxes to fund your property.

Floralnomad · 09/07/2017 18:05

Can you get dla and carers allowance for babies , surely they all need full time care ?

witsender · 09/07/2017 18:10

Yabu. On so many, highly frustrating levels.

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