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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to give up our dog?

246 replies

pinklemonade84 · 08/07/2017 21:05

We're currently on the local council housing list in a band c as we live with the in laws after moving back to the area after the death of my mum.

My health visitor wrote a letter in support of our housing application as she feels that the environment is not beneficial to dd's development or my mental health. I phoned housing a fortnight later and got through to some incredibly snotty man who made out that because I hadn't been able to complete a 45 minute call to refer myself for counselling and am currently just under the care of my gp that my health visitor was a liar.

The in laws have asked us to be out of here by the end of October and have written confirming that, which we had faxed over to the housing department yesterday.

I phoned to check it had been received and got through to the same man I have previously spoken to. And once again he started with an attitude because only half of the letter had been scanned across to them.

He then proceeded to lecture me about us not having applied for flats that had come up the previous week 45 minutes away. So I explained that we had a dog, that a lot of the flats only seem to take certain age groups and that we were hoping to stay in this area for family support due to dd being epileptic. He got quite patronising and said that we would have to start thinking of our options sooner rather than later and I asked if he was advising us to get rid of our dog to which he replied "I'm advising no such thing" and repeated what he said about thinking about our options. But, it was obvious what he was implying.

I came off the phone and relayed the conversation to my husband who went up the wall and said that when we phone a department for support we shouldn't be made to feel like the dirt beneath their feet.

This dog was bought for us by my mum as our joint christmas present back in 2012 and we adore him. I would eat beans on toast everyday to make sure he had his food if we ever got to a point of not being able to afford to feed him or keep him deflead etc. Aibu in not wanting to get rid of him and wanting to find housing that will allow us to keep him with us?

OP posts:
Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 15:06

Millerr I will admit that was our hope (however naive it might have been) to begin with. That we would be housed nearby. However that hope soon changed as we noticed that the properties on this estate in particular were very very rare.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/07/2017 15:07

I'm sorry but being diabetic shouldn't mean he can't watch her (in a playpen) for a bit over half an hour.
Either you are willing to do everything you can to be rehoused or you're not.

Toysaurus · 09/07/2017 15:13

Having been through being homeless for a year in Bristol as a single parent with two disabled children, if your social housing is as bad there as it is here, you can have all the letters in the world from consultants, health care professionals and the rest, it won't make any difference. None.

Perhaps only if you need a wet room or wheelchair access. But honestly, letters will not make any difference other than make you feel more in control.

I had an approachable housing officer but she was very factual about the realities of getting social housing. She advised letters saying why I needed to stay in a certain area but That ultimately all they had to do was provide somewhere safe. Anywhere.

I didn't forget to email her and thank her for her patience putting up with my panicked emails during the course of a year. She did not have a magic wand but she gave me honest, blunt advice which is what you need.

Floralnomad · 09/07/2017 15:14

Surely you can make the call while FIL watches her in a nearby room , if she starts to fit you simply interrupt the call . I'm sorry OP but you do need to help yourself a bit more before you start moaning about people . It's you that wants housing so you do need to put yourself out a bit . I can't see what actual support the inlaws are if she works ft and FIL can't / won't look after your daughter .

WillRikersExtraNipple · 09/07/2017 15:27

It's becoming even clearer why the man on the phone was like he was! You want to live near your inlaws yet they are of no practical use and your HV says they are actively bad for you. Then why do you need to be close to them?

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 15:51

The room we have is bad for her. Because we can't put her down on the floor in our room to play with toys in case she does have a fit and hits her head. And fil is very controlling.

However, having lost both of my parents I want my husband to be as close to his as possible. However much they have upset me in the past. They are good with dd and adore her.

They've been away at their caravan for the weekend and I have just filled them in on what's happened with regards to the call to housing. And that we're considering looking at other areas. To say they're unhappy would be an understatement and fil immediately started listing reasons why we shouldn't bid on a house on a certain estate

OP posts:
thefutureisfemale · 09/07/2017 15:57

I completely agree with @willrikersextranipple

Floralnomad · 09/07/2017 16:05

Where is the caravan , could you live there with the dog ?

KoalaDownUnder · 09/07/2017 16:11

This thread is very frustrating to read.

The letter was scanned in wrong. You can't make 45 minutes for a phone call. You can't move more than 45 minutes away. You can't leave your dog. Your FIL can't watch your child, who also can't play on the floor.

Honestly, you need to start being a hell of a lot more flexible. Just move further away from your in-laws. Like millions of people have to.

Living within an hour of 'family support' is a luxury, not a necessity, when you're about to be bloody homeless!

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 16:12

The caravan is in North Wales so not really feasible to live in because of my husband's course.

We're not going to listen to fil about the estate as we stand a very good chance of getting somewhere on there. At the end of the day we make the best of what we get. We will make it a home and keep our heads down. If it's that bad we could always put in for a transfer after a certain amount of time.

OP posts:
FloofyCat · 09/07/2017 16:15

How does having to stay in the area for family support work when you can't even get 45mins free to make a phone call? What support are they actually providing, other than helpfully providing you with letters stating they are kicking you out in an effort to bump up your priority rating. You are gaming the system. It's obvious from this thread but I also remember your previous posts.

You don't seem to realise that you're not in a position to make demands, as the stock of available housing is both low and very much in demand. Private landlords aren't going to go with a family where both adults are unemployed and they have a dog when there are other alternative candidates. Whatever you think of the morality of this, it's how it is. So if private rental is unlikely and if you want to have a chance of social housing you need to accept you're going to have to compromise.

I have DC with SN, I am disabled myself so I do understand life being a bit shit at times, and my own life is unrecognisable from what I had planned but that's how it is. You DH and you need to accept that you are the adults responsible for your DD and do everything in your power to secure suitable and secure housing, whether that is taking any job you can get or rehoming the dog temporarily. Surely a secure safe roof over your DD's head is the priority?

You do seem to be putting your energy into using things as excuses and justification instead of adjusting your mindset. You simply cannot do stuff like say you must stay in the area for family support and then say you must be rehoused immediately as your family are kicking you out. People aren't stupid, either on MN or staff in housing offices!

SootSprite · 09/07/2017 16:18

I agree with PP, you sound extremely entitled and frankly I'm not surprised the council worker got frustrated with your attitude Hmm

user1490465531 · 09/07/2017 16:20

Don't give up the dog op I can totally sympathise.
Pets are like family and my cat has helped my mental health so much over the years it's easy for people to say get rid but for some people there pets are what keeps them going.
Hold on op and I'm sure something suitable will come up.

FloofyCat · 09/07/2017 16:21

And how does it work if your in laws house is "not beneficial to dd's development or my mental health" yet you have to stay close to them for support?

If I were in your shoes I would concentrate all
your energies on either your DH or you getting a job wherever you can and take it from there. With employment you will have a better chance of housing, and more options. It will serve you better than spending your time getting people to support a priority application for housing on shaky grounds.

Wolfiefan · 09/07/2017 16:24

User. OP has three months until the family is homeless. It isn't just a case of waiting on a list until something turns up. I would hate to give up my animals but if you won't move out of the area or give the dog up the reality is you may end up being homeless. Shit but true!

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 16:25

We're not playing the system and for it to be suggested isn't fair. I've had mil and fil tell me to really play on dd's epilepsy to get us bumped up the list like someone else in my husband's family did. But, I won't do that to jump the queue. The supporting letters are what a local charity have advised me to get and send off. I haven't just decided to do that off my own back.

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 09/07/2017 16:29

WillRikers you're coming across as spectacularly unpleasant here.

FloofyCat · 09/07/2017 16:29

If you and your DH had caring responsibilities for your mum, could you use these skills and knowledge to get jobs in care work? I know these care jobs are underpaid and undervalued for what you do, and the hours can be difficult, but if one of you could be a SAHP and the other could work flexibly this could be a good option? I know in my area care and cleaning sectors are always looking for staff, with immediate starts/training.

With one of you being a carer for your DD and one of you working you will be in a much better position to sort out housing etc, and it would be a good start even as a stepping stone.

Are there any good employment agencies locally or in the surrounding areas? They may be more helpful than the job centre staff.

FloofyCat · 09/07/2017 16:31

But your grounds for "bumping you up" (which is what you are doing) are contradictory, can't you see that? Your energies would be better focused elsewhere, really.

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 16:37

My husband is the one searching for work as he is more likely to get employment sooner than myself. He's registering with agencies. And part of the course that he attends helps him with job searching.

Ideally if he gets a job sooner rather than later we could contribute more to the in laws and we could put a good chunk away each month until we had enough for a deposit for a private rental. That is ultimately what we want to be doing and he is really trying to get work

OP posts:
user1471531877 · 09/07/2017 16:38

You sound like one of those frustrating people who has an answer for everything-
The simple truth is that we all make sacrifices why should you be a special case
You are an adult with a child you are responsible for and need to start standing on your own two feet and making adult decisions
Re home your animal or move further away !!

Toysaurus · 09/07/2017 16:40

Oh God, can't believe I fell for the old long way round intentionally homeless thing. It's such an old classic BCC won't rehouse you if you do it. You're lucky they find they have a duty to home you at all.

Wolfiefan · 09/07/2017 16:42

Hang on. If he finds work then you will save for private? But I thought in laws were throwing you out in three months and your room there was unsuitable etc etc? Confused

Original poster
pinklemonade84 · 09/07/2017 16:48

Part of the reason they want us to leave is the increase in bills. We contribute what we can and pay for our own food. The room can be put up with if my husband finds work as we know it will not be a permanent thing!

OP posts:
FloofyCat · 09/07/2017 16:49

If I were in your position, both DH and I would be desperately searching for employment and whoever got something first would take it. It's a lot easier to change jobs if you're already working, IME.

Do you mind me asking how you're supporting yourselves atm? Is this partly why your in laws are kicking you out, if they are meeting your expenses? I honestly genuinely don't mean that in a rude way and I think if you have a DD with SN you should be trying to get any help you are entitled to (DLA etc).

But if you and your DH are both in a position where either of you could work, or look after your DD, you should be maximising your chances by both of you trying to get whatever work you can. You're not even looking for work yourself but you're spending your time complaining someone isn't helping you enough to get the housing you want?

The best person to help you is YOU. Seriously.