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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel I won't regret not having kids - or will I?

155 replies

pudding24 · 08/07/2017 18:26

Probably been asked a million times, but I need to ask...

I'm in my late twenties, happily married, DH doesn't want kids and I don't think I do either. Reasons being:

  • I've had anxiety (and sometimes depression as a result) all my life and I've managed to reach a place of happiness by keeping my life simple and taking on as few responsibilities as possible. I think I would find being responsible for anything 24/7 stressful to the point of making me unhappy.
  • I was a difficult teenager and my brother (who's some way younger than me so I was/am more like a parent to him) even worse. I was bullied and had anxiety/depression; my brother self-harmed, was suicidal, and has Asperger's and still lives at home unable to work. I have no idea how my mum stayed strong through all that and I know I could not go through that myself.
  • DH and I both hate working and want to work hard now so we can have a future where we are financially more free and can perhaps go part-time and enjoy our lives, maybe see the world, etc.

My worries on the other hand are:

  • Ending up old and alone.
  • Not leaving any trace in the world once I'm gone; not having any purpose.

Pragmatically, I feel like if I do leave it too late and regret it, I could always adopt, but if I have kids, I can never un-have them.

But when you have so little time to decide as a woman, how do you know that you won't regret it?

OP posts:
TotallyConkers · 08/07/2017 18:32

I knew I would not regret it because I could foresee a great life being childfree and the thought of being 'saddled' with children filled me with horror. Now before anyone jumps in about the word 'saddled' that is how I would have felt so I knew having children was not for me.

By the way, having children does not mean you won't be alone when old and as to having a purpose in life well as I am not curing cancer, world poverty and won't ever be famous I think my purpose is to enjoy life and live it the best I can.

Namechangetempissue · 08/07/2017 18:33

It's a difficult one. I know a lot of very happy couples/singles that have chosen not to have children. My aunt owns her own business, travels very frequently all around the world and is god mother to a few children. She is very fulfilled and content. Her life has equal purpose to anybody else.

Tilapia · 08/07/2017 18:35

I think that, given the list of pros and cons in your post, YANBU to think that having children is probably not the right choice for you.

Saiman · 08/07/2017 18:38

I know quite a few people who havent had kids and dont regret it. Its just not part of their plan.

One in particular because both her and her dh want to retire earlt or reduce working hours early and travel. At the moment they takr loads of weekend city breaks and use all their annual leave for holidays.

It suits them and neither want that to change. Choosing to not have children and choosing to have children, are both equally valid choices.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 08/07/2017 18:39

I'm in my mid-40s & know I'd have hated being a parent. My life still has plenty of purpose.

But some MNers will tell you how much happier they were once they had kids. It's all down to individuals I'm afraid.

Notonthestairs · 08/07/2017 18:48

You've got absolutely valid reasons for not having a child. You might have a wobble or two in the future but that's not a reason to change your mind (unless the wobble is overwhelming!).

Badcat666 · 08/07/2017 18:52

You can have children but still end up "alone", having kids doesn't mean they will want to spend time with you or care for you as you get older.

You don't need kids to leave a mark on this world.

You can do that just by having friends, loved ones, being in people's lives. In other words, just by being yourself!!!

Well over 40 and never wanted children, never had that need. I'm loved and I love in return. I know if I snuff it tomorrow I will be missed by my friends and family.

I've had to justify in the past why I'm childless and always say I never wanted them which can surprise people but I don't give a hoot. Never wanted or needed children to justify myself or my existence.

Luckily MrBC never wanted kids and was so nice to know he didn't want them either. We haven't ever regretted it.

Goldenphoenix · 08/07/2017 18:56

I love my children and always knew i wanted them but do not find it easy. I'd advise that if you aren't sure then don't have kids, it isn't something you can undo.

Don't feel pressure from the older generation to have them, plenty of my friends have chosen not to, it's totally up to you both.

Kintan · 08/07/2017 18:57

I didn't want kids when I was in my late twenties. I don't think you need to make a firm decision yet. Assuming you and your DH have 'normal' fertility levels, you have at least a decade to decide.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/07/2017 19:02

It's OK to be a little sad and happy about the same thing. "Had we but world enough and time" I'd have tried all the roads less traveled. I'd have a B & B in Uganda, I'd have shagged that bloke at University that I thought better about, I'd have not married my first husband, I'd have taken that degree in exotic languages and lived in China, I'd have not had DD.

But I still love my life. And DH and DD. And I'm really glad I made the decisions I made to get here. You can feel wistful about decisions you didn't make without regretting the ones you did.

FaFoutis · 08/07/2017 19:03

Why do you feel like you have to decide now OP?
You can't predict how you will change over the next 10 years.

number1wang · 08/07/2017 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatsername17 · 08/07/2017 19:29

I didn't think I wanted kids either. Then I had an overwhelming biological need for a baby. Caught me by surprise. I have two, no regrets and I'm very happy with my lot. I'm not you though - I can't tell you how you will feel, only my own experience. You only get one life, live it your way and be happy. Flowers

MrsExpo · 08/07/2017 19:31

I am intentionally childless. I'm 63, been married twice and have never felt the need to have kids. Indeed, I was adamant (and still am) that motherhood was not for me, to the point where I was sterilised at my own request at 32 ( MNetters feel free to flame me ... I am unrepentant about this. It was my best and most affirming life decision).

OP, your reasons for possibly having kids (fear of being old and alone, and not having any purpose or leaving a trace in the world) are for you to assess. Many parents are old and alone. Your life has purpose if you work/are a good friend/an honest citizen etc ..... what sort of trace do you feel you need to leave? Your reasons for not doing so are more valid.

Do what your heart and head dictate. Depending on your age you don't have to decide now. Will you have regrets? Well ... I haven't. Live your life and see how it goes.

stevie69 · 08/07/2017 19:33

I've had to justify in the past why I'm childless and always say I never wanted them which can surprise people but I don't give a hoot. Never wanted or needed children to justify myself or my existence.

Couldn't have put it better if I'd tried.

You can't know for sure whether or not you will regret not having children: that unfortunately is one of life's conundrums (for want of a better word). However fearing you may do is not (to me, anyway) a sufficiently good reason for having them.

If it helps any, I never wanted any children. I'm now 50 and don't regret my choice whatsoever.

Wishing you all the best.

S xx

Believeitornot · 08/07/2017 19:33

It's difficult to know.

I knew that having children would mean I'd be "saddled" with them for life. However it didn't worry me.

I just knew I wanted children and that was it. Didn't question the feeling. I didn't feel particularly maternal or broody, it just felt right.

If it feels wrong to you then listen to that instinct.

brasty · 08/07/2017 19:35

The two things that worry you:

  • not being left old and alone. Anyone who works as a carer will tell you there are no guarantees that kids will visit you when you are old. Resolve to value friends and keep up with them
  • Leaving something after you have gone, a sense of purpose. There are lots of ways to do that. A job that really helps people, volunteering. I remember one of my primary teachers who really helped me. I am sure she is long dead, but I will never forget her.
brasty · 08/07/2017 19:36

One piece of advice that always stuck with me, is don't have kids unless you really want them.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 08/07/2017 19:37

Have you spent much time Arline children? How do you feel when you hold a baby?

haveacupoftea · 08/07/2017 19:38

You should have children because you want to share your life with them, and because you have love to give them. If those reasons aren't on your list then it's not for you right now. But it might be in the future.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 08/07/2017 19:41

When I was in my late 20's I knew I didn't want children; never felt maternal or any biological ticking. I also suffered from anxiety and depression. Fast forward 20 odd years and I'm a very different person; much more confident and secure in myself, comfortable from working my ass off and mother to my ds (2).

Don't worry about making any decisions about being a parent now, who knows how life will pan out Smile

Notknownatthisaddress · 08/07/2017 19:56

I have to say there is nothing wrong with not having children.

HOWEVER, I must say if you are coming on here asking 'will I regret not having children?' Then I believe you will regret not having them.

I have to disagree though, with the poster that said you have a good ten years to decide. You are already in your late 20's. After the age of 30, fertility starts to diminish dramatically. With each passing year, your chances of conceiving drops quite rapidly.

I remember reading one time (several years ago,) that at 30, your chances of conceiving is times less than at 25. After 35, your fertility is 25 times less than at 30. (Not sure if those are exact figures, but it's something along those lines IYSWIM.)

Don't have children for the wrong reasons though. Just because you have a child, that doesn't mean you will not end up alone. Some people with kids are as lonely as people without.

missadasmith · 08/07/2017 20:02

*My worries on the other hand are:

  • Ending up old and alone.*

I have a child severe learning difficulties and autism who will need lifelong 24/7 care.

one of the reasons my mum urged me to have a child was to have someone to look after me when I am old. but instead I will have to leave a child that desperately depends on me behind. It is really killing me inside at times.

Alconleigh · 08/07/2017 20:11

I find the "someone to look after you when you're old" reason fairly odd. To me, and I realise others have different circumstances and aren't in UK etc, it bears no relation to how I live, the realities of working, cost of living, property ownership in the current time etc.

I love my parents dearly but they, at mid 70s, are very much the gilded baby boomer generation. They have more money and a larger home than I, or my sibling, will ever have. We have better jobs than they had but the cost of living means we will never have the standard of living they enjoy. So I love them but I don't live near them as I need to work, and that won't change. They will need to use the value of their house to pay for any care they may require, as it should be, and I will visit as much as I can, as I do now. The idea that I will be a constant companion though....no....how could I be?

I realise this isn't what you asked directly OP, but I think it's worth pointing out that even a loving and close family doesn't mean they are actually present in your life day to day.

Notknownatthisaddress · 08/07/2017 20:15

Sorry posting this again, because I left something out of one of the sentences and it made no sense!

Here goes again...............

I have to say there is nothing wrong with not having children.

HOWEVER, I must say if you are coming on here asking 'will I regret not having children?' Then I believe you will regret not having them.

I have to disagree though, with the poster that said you have a good ten years to decide. You are already in your late 20's. After the age of 30, fertility starts to diminish dramatically. With each passing year, your chances of conceiving drops quite rapidly.

I remember reading one time (several years ago,) that at 30, your chances of conceiving is 10 times less than at 25. After 35, your fertility is 25 times less than at 30. (Not sure if those are exact figures, but it's something along those lines IYSWIM.)

Don't have children for the wrong reasons though. Just because you have a child, that doesn't mean you will not end up alone. Some people with kids are as lonely as people without.