To feel I won't regret not having kids - or will I?

[pudding24]

Probably been asked a million times, but I need to ask...

I'm in my late twenties, happily married, DH doesn't want kids and I don't think I do either. Reasons being:

• I've had anxiety (and sometimes depression as a result) all my life and I've managed to reach a place of happiness by keeping my life simple and taking on as few responsibilities as possible. I think I would find being responsible for anything 24/7 stressful to the point of making me unhappy.
• I was a difficult teenager and my brother (who's some way younger than me so I was/am more like a parent to him) even worse. I was bullied and had anxiety/depression; my brother self-harmed, was suicidal, and has Asperger's and still lives at home unable to work. I have no idea how my mum stayed strong through all that and I know I could not go through that myself.
• DH and I both hate working and want to work hard now so we can have a future where we are financially more free and can perhaps go part-time and enjoy our lives, maybe see the world, etc.

My worries on the other hand are:

• Ending up old and alone.
• Not leaving any trace in the world once I'm gone; not having any purpose.

Pragmatically, I feel like if I do leave it too late and regret it, I could always adopt, but if I have kids, I can never un-have them.

But when you have so little time to decide as a woman, how do you know that you won't regret it?

'Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.'

Søren Kierkegaard

I love DD but my life was a lot easier and mental health was a lot better before I had her. I think I could have been very happy childfree. If you had a difficult time growing up children can trigger an enormous amout of anxiety in you. I wouldn’t have them unless you really really want them. Lot of work, beautiful and funny but extremely time consuming and for me I know I will never feel quite at peace again, I’ll always worry about DD.

I absolutely don’t expect DD to keep me company in my old age, we’ve moved around as a couple and I kind of assumed she would do the same. Don’t assume your kids will stick around.

I really am surprised that people who choose not to have kids are still questioned over it. I don’t know anyone who would care whether someone else had kids or not (except MIL, who is very lovely generally) Makes you think society really hasn’t moved on much if that’s still a surprise.

I wish more people had told me how wonderful having a baby is. I left it until I was nearly 41. I too suffered with anxiety, in fact I was hospitalised 10 years ago on a mental health unit. I can honestly say having children has personally made me mentally stronger and more resilient as there's nothing I wouldn't do for my child. I, like a lot of people on here have done a lot with my life but I can honestly say having a baby has tops the lot, it has been incredible. If I'd have known I wouldn't have left it so late. I wake up and everyday I wake up feeling so happy. I wanted to say all of this as I see threads like this and read many 'negative' posts but I'm not sure how representative a thread is to real life experiences outside of here. As with threads in generally, you're more likely to read negativity and perhaps that's because some people don't like to feel like they're bragging about how great their life is. I only wish I had time for another one.

@NevaehMind

*My worries on the other hand are:

• Ending up old and alone.
• Not leaving any trace in the world once I'm gone; not having any purpose*

None if the above are reasons to have kids.

Yes it's true adult children abandon their parents, but realistically, it's about family. When your parents are gone, and it's just your siblings (if you have them, who may or may not even have their own kids)... it can feel aimless. I say this as a young person with basically no family.

So yeah, it does make sense to want to create your own. Also, if you have kids younger, it's different to at the last minute, say 20 vs 42.

When the 42yo is 80, their child will be 38. When the 20yo is 80, their child will be 60, a more similar age. It's not spoken about, but I think this pays a role too in loneliness in older people.

Bottom line is, you should never depend on your children for company because you can't predict how they'll act. Yes, have friends, but equally lots of people want to continue their family through children and maybe grandchildren.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all OP.
At 36 and single by choice and childfree for similar reasons to you. I am aware that my choices wouldn’t be for everyone, but they are right for me. I have felt the same way since I was a teen. Sometimes the road less travelled is the one we’re destined to take.
It takes courage to do things differently, when most people do things one way, it’s natural to question the decision to do things differently and wonder if we’ll regret it. There is social pressure to do what others do, and so many people are happy with children and will tell you so, and we are naturally inclined to want what others want / seem to value. But that doesn’t mean it is right for you!

I have the same fears about being elderly and alone, but my mum is teaching me a lot abiut how to get through old age:

She lost my dad when she was just 60, and it coincided with me and my brother leaving home to go to uni. So she has been living on her own for nearly 20 years now. Many of her friends have also lost husbands. Their children are my age and older, with children and careers of their own. From what I can see, it is friendship networks that really matter when you get to be in your 70s and 80s. Other retired, single people who are your age or slightly younger. Our family gets together every Christmas and birthday and it’s lovely to do that. But we’re also welcoming of our old ‘aunties’ into these gatherings, and if my mum didn’t have us, I think she would be invited into the families of some of her dear friends. I hope my old age will be like this. And when is comes to serious old age and declining health, when I am bedridden and at the of my days, I want a) to have saved up money to pay for the care I may need and b) to look back at my life and know that I lived it the best way I knew how. And be glad that my life brought happiness to others, including my parents, and that my death will not be the cause of too much misery for anyone.

Make the decision that feels right in your bones, you can be open to changing your mind, but only do so when and if you feel differently about it.

@lameasahorse

@bbgxd I don't really understand that feeling of aimlessness because your parents have died. Intense grief yes. All the research shows in terms of loneliness, people with kids are less lonely than those without kids once they are aged 84 years old and over on average. Basically when they hit the age where some friends will have died and others may be too old to leave the house or be in a care home. Before that having friends is what counts. I know there are exceptions, but few people get their social life through their adult children.

My parents haven't died, one is just a horrid person so it true MN fashion, we're NC

It's about identity more so than socialising. Family is important and for me, I only realised when it's not there. Neediness is not healthy, but continuing the family is important for lots is us. Totally respect childfree people who have tons of friends and are always busy. I can see why some don't need children if maybe they have nieces, nephews, godchildren, but yeah🤷‍♀️

Oh and re mentioning ages of kids- that's not about socialising but life stages. A 38yo who has young kids won't be as available, won't have as much in common, not spare time - compared to an 80yo with a child who is 60 (maybe also retired at that point).

So I'm kind of agreeing with the point that adult children aren't always how you expect. Having children in your 40s and expecting them to be like your mate is not gonna happen.

I'm 46, haven't got kids, and I absolutely do not regret that. It was definitely the best decision for me and my DP and neither of us ever wish we had them.

There were times in my 30s when I thought 'I wonder if I will ever regret this decision?' but I honestly never have.

@10HailMarys Exactly the same as you. I've been married for over a decade and one person did ask me what the point was of getting married if I wasn't planning the children part. I did give it careful thought in my early/mid thirties but every instinct was screaming not to, I hated the idea.

Definitely no regrets, and my god financially it's easier. Still very loved up with DH after almost 15 years as we can always put each other first.

This pretty much. I am childless not by choice. (long story but back in the day, IVF was way less available, way worse and way less successful than it is now) I am sorry but I don't think that your reasons for having them are valid or conclusive. its definitely not right morally IMO to have children so you won't be alone in old age.
I think you need to give your head a wobble about the mark in the world and purpose thing. None of us know what effect on the world our existence will have for good or for bad and your purpose in the world is to be. Your being is not more valid or more worthy than a scientist or a musician and certainly not than a parent.
It sounds to me like somehow you have absorbed the "women are useless unless they are mothers crap"

Yes you will have regrets. EVERYBODY has regrets about something.

@PersonIrresponsible

Up until you hit your mid-forties, you'll constantly hear "You'll change your mind one day", then you'll hit your late forties and everyone will tell you how lucky you are.

They are more than likely saying that to make the childless/childfree people feel better, because deep down they feel a bit sorry for them. It's a hard and bitter pill to swallow, but very likely true. Most people with children do not think that people without children are 'lucky.' You're deluded if you believe that.

@fruitcakepie

We have a lot of child free friends in their forties and they're never the ones moaning and groaning about life. They're off travelling and living life while us knackered, grumpy parents try to make ourselves feel better by telling them how much joy our kids have brought to our lives ha !

Speak for yourself! YOU might have had a dull and miserable life full of drudgery as a parent, where you haven't been able to travel and 'live your life...' But you are deluded if you think it's like that for ALL parents. Me and my DH have travelled extensively with our DC, and had a wonderful life with them. We have had more of a full life than some childless/childfree people we know for sure.

We also had a wonderful life before our DC, and are having a wonderful life since they left home, but we had a wonderful life WITH them too. To say parents have no life, and you can do soooo much more with your life when you have no children, is just laughable, ludicrous, and excruciatingly inaccurate.

*Up until you hit your mid-forties, you'll constantly hear "You'll change your mind one day", then you'll hit your late forties and everyone will tell you how lucky you are.

They are more than likely saying that to make the childless/childfree people feel better, because deep down they feel a bit sorry for them. It's a hard and bitter pill to swallow, but very likely true. Most people with children do not think that people without children are 'lucky.' You're deluded if you believe that.*

Lots of people on here have said they regret having children and would not do so if they had their time again. Do you think they are saying this to make hypothetical people without children feel better, and that really they feel like you? I am not saying everyone feels like this but not everyone feels like you either.

@pudding24 I suppose you can't ever really know what you will or will not regret, every decision has the possibility of regret, although as you point out having a child is irreversible and can't be reassessed later like the decision not to have one can be.

Personally I'm 34 and I haven't felt any biological urge or ticking of body clock that others refer to so I haven't got any at the moment. I've never been very interested in babies and don't find them very cute or ever want to hold them or anything. Kids are fine, I tend to judge them on an individual basis like adults, some are nice, some are arseholes like all humans.

I always think, although I like my nieces and nephews for example that I wouldn't ever want them to come and live with me l and our relationships without all the worry and responsibility being mine are more fun and enough for me.

I'm happy in my relationship and would definitely worry that a child could destabilise that, so many couples we know have broken up after having a child. In fact, hand on heart, I don't know any couples who seem happier or even anywhere near as happy as they were before they had children. They all seem quite negatively affected by it which has certainly played on my mind. I feel sorry for many of them that parenthood doesn't seem to be what they expected and feel absolutely no desire to swap their lives for mine. I know obviously these experiences won't be representative but we do tend to attach more weight to experiences we've witnessed don't we?

Another reason against for me is that I know any children I had wouldn't be able to have the kind of freedom I had as a child as times and opinions have changed so much recently. I was allowed to wander with friends around our village and down to the beach and to the common from about 7 with no easy way of contacting anyone and I don't think this would be possible now. My siblings spend all their time ferrying and entertaining their children which looks exhausting. I also worry that this kind of over protective parenting seems to produce much higher instances of anxiety and depression which I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I think I don't really understand why the majority do want children, it would be interesting to hear people voice what this desire really feels like in their own words.

I've often wondered if it's a desire to hold and love something small and warm and cute, if so I can understand this but I get that kind of desire fulfilled by petting my cats and as I mentioned I don't find babies particularly cute.

Or I've wondered if it's a desire for a very close relationship, I think some people look for unconditional love in a child but I don't think children usually have unconditionally love for their parents, that is more to flow the other way. In my experience most people don't have the closest relationships with their parents but with their partner, or other friends and family, after all we all grow up and leave our parents eventually and don't usually feel that much of a wrench.

Test

I never wanted kids until I met DH. Then I knew I wanted children with him.

My DSis desperately wants children but it has not happened for her, sadly.

My SIL has 8 children to more than a couple of different men and always moans about them.

I have several friends in their later years, and friends of my parents, who never married or have kids. Some regret it. Some don't.

It's such a personal decision and seeking validation from others won't give you what you are looking for.

I personally am delighted with my family, and have enjoyed most of this time. DH was definitely the right person to do it with, rather than earlier partners.

You make choices according to your personal situation and then deal with the consequences. Just be happy and kind!

Anxiety – valid. But who these days does not have mental wellbeing issues? The world is a really scary place. Everyone gets anxious, I find it a bit of a misnomer really. I have huge anxieties that actually caused great suffering in our family the past 2 years, which I am getting over now but it affected my parenting and I am thankful for my husband who is a wonderful parent and prevented my issues from having a negative impact on our child.

But overall this isn't a reason not to have children. But I will say now, and likely again in my answer, that children should only be had because they are wanted wholeheartedly.

I was a difficult teenager and my brother…. Having a dedicated husband is the answer. Two parents who want to be parents, and who operate a family in an effective way is what is key here. I recommend you talk to him about parenting styles too:

What type of education? Home education? school? Private school? Public school?

Medical stuff, how would you want to tackle health problems etc?

Discipline, naughty step, gentle parenting, attachment or detached parenting?

Stuff like that, make sure you are on the same page.

Work – I work from home, home educate, and keep the home while my husband focuses on his career because I have found this works for me. You should also discuss this. My unpopular opinion, well not really opinion but observation, is that parenting is a full-time job in itself and there isn't time or emotional and mental capacity to focus on full-time work as well as parenting, for myself, and for many, as you see people asking how they can reduce their parenting responsibilities to fit in work, and this seems incredibly backwards. Work should be sacrificed for parenting.

My worries on the other hand are:
Ending up old and alone. – well you will if you don’t have children, who is going to care about you when old if not your children? (actually asking this question)

It's not true that you could end up alone if you parent your children to your fullest. Neither myself nor my husband have any intention of allowing our parents to have anything less than full-time care from US when they need it because we love them dearly.

Not leaving any trace in the world once I'm gone; not having any purpose. – totally irrelevant. If you have no children why does this matter?

Pragmatically, I feel like if I do leave it too late and regret it, - yes, you could.

you don’t know that you won't regret it. And you have less time than you think. I had mine at 34 and now can't have any more I don’t think, and I regret this. There's literally nothing I can do about it. I wish I'd had children earlier but I wasn't mentally equipped, and I should have been. This, in my view, is a social failure. I intend to impart to my daughter the importance of finding a good partner and co-operating with them to form a family for fulfilment. It's very few people who don’t actually want this innately.

@MurmuratingStarling you keep telling yourself that ! We are also lucky enough to have travelled extensively with our kids but I'm honest enough to admit that I'd rather be snorkelling child free in the Maldives than reapplying sunscreen to my kids every hour to avoid heatstroke.

I also find the notion of having more of a "full life" than childless couples utter bollocks. Your definition of a full life will be very different to another persons.

My worries on the other hand are:
Ending up old and alone. – well you will if you don’t have children, who is going to care about you when old if not your children? (actually asking this question)

I’m childless not by choice - like a pp IVF was less available and less successful when I was ttc (although it still isn’t that successful) - but I see no point in worrying about my old age and whether I will be lonely. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. And having children is no guarantee you won’t be lonely in old age anyway.

I know this thread has been revived with quite a lot of posts in the last few days.

However - OP posted in 2017, it's kind of pointless quoting her OP & replying now.

This is a zombie thread (like most of Active at the moment 🤦🏻‍♀️)