To feel I won't regret not having kids - or will I?

[pudding24]

Probably been asked a million times, but I need to ask...

I'm in my late twenties, happily married, DH doesn't want kids and I don't think I do either. Reasons being:

• I've had anxiety (and sometimes depression as a result) all my life and I've managed to reach a place of happiness by keeping my life simple and taking on as few responsibilities as possible. I think I would find being responsible for anything 24/7 stressful to the point of making me unhappy.
• I was a difficult teenager and my brother (who's some way younger than me so I was/am more like a parent to him) even worse. I was bullied and had anxiety/depression; my brother self-harmed, was suicidal, and has Asperger's and still lives at home unable to work. I have no idea how my mum stayed strong through all that and I know I could not go through that myself.
• DH and I both hate working and want to work hard now so we can have a future where we are financially more free and can perhaps go part-time and enjoy our lives, maybe see the world, etc.

My worries on the other hand are:

• Ending up old and alone.
• Not leaving any trace in the world once I'm gone; not having any purpose.

Pragmatically, I feel like if I do leave it too late and regret it, I could always adopt, but if I have kids, I can never un-have them.

But when you have so little time to decide as a woman, how do you know that you won't regret it?

I’m childfree by choice. I knew I wouldn’t regret not having children because I always knew I didn’t want to be a parent. The thought of the potential damage pregnancy & childbirth could do to my body horrified me, I never found babies cute, I didn’t particularly like children even when I was one myself and the thought of shitty nappies, snotty noses, sleepless nights and all the other crappy things associated with being a parent sounded like a total nightmare. Fortunately, DP agreed completely and neither of us have any regrets.

In my view, there is only one reason to have children: because you actually want them. Anyone who has serious doubts would be crazy to have them because they can’t send them back if it doesn’t work out.

This is a zombie thread (like most of Active at the moment 🤦🏻‍♀️)

^^*
Yes what's with all the Zombie threads ?

In my twenties and early thirties I was pretty sure I didn’t want a child. Had a very traumatic childhood and my mother always said children were a massive sacrifice so I had eyes open to all that could go wrong. Then I met my DH and some of my friends fell pregnant and I realised there was something else arising in me. Late thirties meant fertility treatment, lots of pain and loss, lots of shroud waving from consultants who considered me high risk etx.

I love being a parent- it was the right time of life for me, but I would really struggle if I didn’t have a very involved and supportive DH, which has enabled me to pursue my career and grow my start up , which I love - as well and being around to be the best mum I can.

its exhausting and challenging but still the best way I have ever found to turn your life upside down!

Based on what you've written, I think you're making the right choice.

@CounsellorTroi
Lots of people on here have said they regret having children and would not do so if they had their time again. Do you think they are saying this to make hypothetical people without children feel better, and that really they feel like you? I am not saying everyone feels like this but not everyone feels like you either.

Lots of people on here say they have a vile toxic abusive gaslighting husband too, or a nasty, catty, narcissistic mother in law. But in real life, many women DON'T have this kind of husband or mother in law. People only usually post when there is discord or misery. If people posted to say 'my husband is adorable, and we have a great life together, and he's my soulmate, and I love him so much,' they'd very likely be mocked and derided.

So just because 'lots of posters' come on here to say they regret motherhood, there are still many MANY more who don't. Again, if a poster came on and said she loved and adored her children so much, they're the best thing to happen to her - ever, and she would do it all over again, she would be mocked and derided, with lots of roll-eyes emojis.

I 'get' that some people are happy childfree, but the whole narrative that you get on here, that being a mum just stalls your life, and it will be just full of drudgery and misery forevermore, just fucks me right off tbh. As I said, these posters do NOT speak for me.

And it seems like it's OK to bash motherhood (and mothers,) and mock and deride them, and say 'your life will be ruined if you have kids and you will never sleep in again or travel again' but it's not OK to bash and deride childfree people, and the choice to NOT have children. And some of the derision and bashing comes from other mothers!

I don't know if they're trying to make childfree people feel better, but as I said they certainly do NOT speak for me. Becoming a mother is one of the best things to happen in my life. (and please spare me the 'you must have had a weak, boring, eventless life' comments people!)

I KNOW some people regret it, my auntie did actually, as her husband was emotionally abusive, and a useless husband AND father. She said (when my 2 cousins were 8 and 10,) that she would have had a much better life if she had never had children, as she would have found it much easier to leave him. He died when they had been married 35 years and the kids were in their early 30s. She is very much thrilled NOW that she had her 2 children, as they are her world now, and she has 3 adorable grandchildren, but at the time, yes she regretted it.

BUT, as I said, it's the whole motherhood bashing narrative that really irks me, and like I said before, it somehow doesn't seem quite so acceptable to bash childfree people. Some may say it's because childfree maybe get more of a hard time for having no children, but I (and some other mothers I know) had some HORRIBLE catty snide bitchy comments from childfree people when we first had children. Looking back, I think they were projecting, as they went on to have children 5-10 years later, but it was still upsetting to deal with at the time.

Very well put! 😘

I don’t see much motherhood bashing but what I do see comes from people who resent being pitied, patronised and condescended to by mothers because they don’t have children.

Now I don't see any of that. I just see motherhood bashing. Funny that isn't it?

Lovely post. 😘

If you are unsure better not to have children who you don't want and might struggle to Manage given your MH issues, than live a perfectly content life without children. If you feel broody you could borrow a friend's children to take them for a day out and hand them back at end of the day. Too many parents have children they either don't really want or have no way to properly care for them.

I was never keen on the idea. But then I got round to thinking about it.....and concluded you couldn't regret having children after the fact because your love for them is incompatible with regret. You could regret not having them. In short a void is more likely to cause regret. That doesn't mean that I don't or can't acknowledge how wonderful life might have been without them, only that my life now without them would be a very sorry one. It's impossible to regret having children.

Now in my 50s, I have always known I didn't want children. No regrets.

As for you, nobody can make the decision other than you yourself. You're still young so have a few years to make up your mind. I would say don't have kids just because 'it's what you do'. Children will change your life totally and permanently, and it's not something you should do just because it's the 'done thing'.

@MiniTheMinx

I was never keen on the idea. But then I got round to thinking about it.....and concluded you couldn't regret having children after the fact because your love for them is incompatible with regret. You could regret not having them. In short a void is more likely to cause regret. That doesn't mean that I don't or can't acknowledge how wonderful life might have been without them, only that my life now without them would be a very sorry one. It's impossible to regret having children.

I certainly do not regret my child at all but you are very wrong. It is not impossible to regret having a child. Look at all the posts you see on here. Look at parents who murder their children.

It's impossible to regret having children.

That's a pretty silly thing to say. I would guess most people do not regret parenthood but to state categorically that it's impossible to regret it? Goodness me.

You do not need to decide right now anyway - you can think 'not right now' and just see how your feelings towards it change over time. Anyone could end up old and alone, whether they have children or not, and there are loads of ways to have an impact on the world that are less stressful!

If it helps at all, I am quite an anxious person sometimes and the feeling of responsibility for my child is sometimes overwhelming. I have a bad sibling relationship too and only have one child. I've found that the cost issue is less with one, I get tonnes more time to myself and a much calmer life with one child than is possible with two. Having a child, being a mother, is incredible. The love and joy it brings you on a day to day basis is very difficult to explain. The stress and worry when they are ill, or when you are exhausted and can't rest, are very challenging.

This is a zombie thread from 5 years ago....

@TweetTweetMF

This is a zombie thread from 5 years ago....

We know... still an interesting discussion on a public forum though.

Yes it is.

There have been sooooooo many versions of this thread on Mumsnet through the years. I find them in very poor taste. Why come on a mums’ support site to muse on how crap you think it must be to be a mum?

This was from 5 years ago, I wonder if the OP remains child free 😄

@Neverreturntoathread
i can’t speak for everyone else but i came on this thread after a Google search to somehow make peace with my dream of having children not coming true.

I guess everyone is different. I think lots of people don’t want kids but are afraid they’ll change their mind. I say go with how you feel instead of projecting too far forward if you don’t want them. On the other hand, if you do want them, projecting forward is your friend and planning required, as I learned. I think people should be allowed to come on mumsnet for all kinds of reasons and the sheer variety of threads surely means it needn’t be exclusionary or prescriptive.

If you were with someone other than your husband and they wanted to start a family, would you want to have kids in that situation?

If you make a decision, partly based on your DH, you're much more likely to regret it. If you really don't want kids yourself then your DH not wanting them won't factor into your decision.

@Neverreturntoathread

There have been sooooooo many versions of this thread on Mumsnet through the years. I find them in very poor taste. Why come on a mums’ support site to muse on how crap you think it must be to be a mum?

That isn't what it's about at all. Maybe try and develop some nuance in your thinking.

Probably bumped up by someone who didn't notice the date it started. Like YOU don't seem to have noticed that about a dozen posters have already said (in the last few days) that this is a zombie thread!