To feel I won't regret not having kids - or will I?

[pudding24]

Probably been asked a million times, but I need to ask...

I'm in my late twenties, happily married, DH doesn't want kids and I don't think I do either. Reasons being:

• I've had anxiety (and sometimes depression as a result) all my life and I've managed to reach a place of happiness by keeping my life simple and taking on as few responsibilities as possible. I think I would find being responsible for anything 24/7 stressful to the point of making me unhappy.
• I was a difficult teenager and my brother (who's some way younger than me so I was/am more like a parent to him) even worse. I was bullied and had anxiety/depression; my brother self-harmed, was suicidal, and has Asperger's and still lives at home unable to work. I have no idea how my mum stayed strong through all that and I know I could not go through that myself.
• DH and I both hate working and want to work hard now so we can have a future where we are financially more free and can perhaps go part-time and enjoy our lives, maybe see the world, etc.

My worries on the other hand are:

• Ending up old and alone.
• Not leaving any trace in the world once I'm gone; not having any purpose.

Pragmatically, I feel like if I do leave it too late and regret it, I could always adopt, but if I have kids, I can never un-have them.

But when you have so little time to decide as a woman, how do you know that you won't regret it?

I've two kids and I worry about loneliness in my old age too. DC1 will be off doing her own thing. DC2 is kind of introverted and would perhaps allow me to keep in touch........

You will be fine. I have 3 but I may become so old and demented that I simply forget they ever even existed at all.

Old age can be lonely for all.

Going against the grain.

Even though having children is no guarantee you won't end up alone in old age; in the experience of quite a number of people I know, you are more likely to end up alone in old age if you don't have children.

I know 4 women right now who live alone - all over 50 - who never had children (all by choice,) and they have been terribly lonely over the last 5-8 years. Lockdown really made it hit home.

3 of them have admitted they regret having no children, and it stings, and makes them sad, when they see their peers with young adult children, and grandchildren.

I also know of 3 men (over 65) who had no children, (2 of them are quite infirm now and struggle to get about anywhere.) And they have all struggled with loneliness over the past few years, and having no-one to help them with day to day stuff. The loneliness is a struggle for them, and it doesn't help seeing their neighbours with adult children and grandchildren visiting, and helping them out.

And before anyone has a go at me, my views and opinions are as valid as anyone else's.

Surely it's better to regret not having them, than to regret having them. If you aren't sure, don't do it.

FGS. Why resurrect a zombie thread?

My feeling in life is that not every woman wants a family and your better off not having a child unless it's something that both you and your dh really want as a couple. Don't let family and friends push you into doing this because long term it not fair to have a child unless you're happy doing so.
You have suffered from anixity and depression in the past. What helps you with this to keep your life simple and not have a stressful job. For some people having a child can lead to post natal depression or bring other mental illness to the fore.
You have also told us that your husband does not want a child either.
Then you and your husband don't want to stay in full time work long term or perhaps you both want to retire early. So at the moment your working hard so you have the option of doing less hours or retiring early.
Also having a child or children in the hope that they will mind/support you in your old age may not happen. Children become adults with their own lives. They can't give up work to mind elderly parents or move back to family homes to do this.

The simple answer is, you can't know if you will regret it either way. I know child-free people who are extremely happy with their lives and I know child-free people who bitterly regret not having had children. Equally, I know parents who are blissfully happy with their lives and others who wish with all their hearts that they had never gone down the parenthood path.

None of us can insure ourselves against future regrets, as we can't possibly predict how we will feel about our lives several years from now and we can't possibly know how anything will pan out. All we can do is make considered decisions in the present, based on what we know in the here and now, and hope that we will look back on all of our decisions with the knowledge that they were made for the right reasons at the time.

There are no right or wrong answers to the question of whether or not you will be happier for having children or not having them. There are so many variables. All you can do is make whatever decision feels like the right fit for you.

Up until you hit your mid-forties, you'll constantly hear "You'll change your mind one day", then you'll hit your late forties and everyone will tell you how lucky you are.

And then there's those who will constantly tell you you don't understand (how fraught/awful life their life is) because you don't have children.

Meh. We're not all programmed to have children. Currently around 1/5 of women opt not to have children - a number that is increasing.

Op, after reading your update about how you do love babies and children it sort of changed my opinion on the advice I was planning to give. Also, given your reasons for not wanting them.

I was 20 when I accidentally fell pregnant and now have a 3 year old. Me and dp are low income but degree educated, so in many ways we’re lucky we have options. I’ve also always suffered with anxiety and depression, I’m also a massive introvert and I need my space. I found having a baby to be amazing, I loved it. I was alone but not alone in many ways with a baby. I had periods to recover while he was napping and I was at ease with it. However, I’ve found age 2.5+ very hard. He’s stopped napping, he’s very extroverted and speaks to other adults and children with ease when out and about all day (meaning I have to engage too) and generally he doesn’t stop talking- ever. I’m not the mum I thought I’d be and the logistics of having a child are difficult. However, I can manage with one child. We have good family support and I get a little time to myself every now and again. I don’t think I could manage without the family support. He’s going to be at nursery, so now I’m focusing time on my career and doing well. Financially, children are expensive but it depends what you spend your money on. With one child I don’t find our food bill is higher, there are lots of holidays where the child is free, I can get bargains at Tesco for his clothes. Basically, nursery fees are the brunt of the cost but he’ll be in full time school soon. In the long term, I think one child and future early retirement is manageable on two mid incomes, depending on what decisions are made.

My reason for explaining this is that if you desire a child but find the idea of it stressful, well, stop at one child. You kind of have the benefits from raising a kid but also a lot less stress as it’s a lot easier to concentrate on career and just one child.

I’m not trying to persuade you to have a child if you don’t want one, if you feel like you seriously don’t have children then don’t! You’ll have a great life either way. But if you are maternal, and you do have an inclination that you want a child, then maybe take the time to think about it so you don’t regret not doing it later on. I think everyone, whether they want kids or not should have a good think about it first. Also, having kids is no guarantee you won’t be alone when old, and you can definitely have a legacy without kids. I think if you were firm in your decision, you may not have posted on here? However, if it is societal pressure to conform to the ‘kids make a family’ stereotype then please ignore what I’ve posed and do your own thing.

"You can always adopt" is not true at all. Adoption is enormously expensive and was beyond my reach.

You don't need to know/make the decision now but for what it's worth your reasons for wanting to have children don't sway me to think you should, and your reasons for not wanting to are totally legit!
From observation, you will most likely be ok and happy whatever. I've known couples truly ache for children and have heartbreaking losses and infertility who have accepted and are authentically enjoying a life without children.
So if you're starting point is that you don't want them, and you come to experience times of regret, I think this will be manageable, acceptable and not define your life.
I'd you get to your thirties and desperately crave to have them in the current moment - that's a different situation and a time to reassess.
Go with you current plan now, reassess if/when necessary. You have time and don't need to be scared of a theoretical regret you're bit even sure you will have.

Thing is you won't necessarily know.

Friends of my parents "knew" at mid 20s. In fact they were so sure she got her tubes tied.

Mid 40s they changed their mind. Unfortunately the untying didn't work and they never had children. She's in her 80s and still refers to it as "her biggest regret". Which is really sad.

However I do know another couple who chose not to due to family history and are perfectly happy. They foster troubled older teens and love doing it and are absolutely brilliant at it. They say they've never had any regrets.

@MurmuratingStarling

Going against the grain.

Even though having children is no guarantee you won't end up alone in old age; in the experience of quite a number of people I know, you are more likely to end up alone in old age if you don't have children.

I know 4 women right now who live alone - all over 50 - who never had children (all by choice,) and they have been terribly lonely over the last 5-8 years. Lockdown really made it hit home.

3 of them have admitted they regret having no children, and it stings, and makes them sad, when they see their peers with young adult children, and grandchildren.

I also know of 3 men (over 65) who had no children, (2 of them are quite infirm now and struggle to get about anywhere.) And they have all struggled with loneliness over the past few years, and having no-one to help them with day to day stuff. The loneliness is a struggle for them, and it doesn't help seeing their neighbours with adult children and grandchildren visiting, and helping them out.

And before anyone has a go at me, my views and opinions are as valid as anyone else's.

Older people without children often put more effort into maintaining social networks and staying connected, precisely because they know they will not have children to rely on when they get older.

I know that I won't regret it because I've made an active, considered choice every single day of my adult life not to have kids.
People have regrets when they have'nt had autonomy over their own lives and bodies, or they've drifted through life without thought, or they've unquestioningly followed the herd.

I decided at a very early age that I didn't want kids. I was very careful with contraceptives to ensure no accidents occurred. Then, due to a medical condition, I had a hysterectomy at 38. I was elated. I'm 8 yrs down the road and have never regretted my decision not to have kids. I don't have maternal instincts at all.

*My worries on the other hand are:

• Ending up old and alone.
• Not leaving any trace in the world once I'm gone; not having any purpose*

None if the above are reasons to have kids.

That last point about not leaving a trace. Most people stay in others' memories for a generation max. Not long in the scheme of human kind. Agree with others that having children doesn't mean you won't end up alone, we are all ultimately alone (lots of stories of people with plenty of family who died alone in Covid wards), and it's just not a good enough reason to have kids.

I don't regret not having children as I can't make it that I wanted them. I kind of wish I had had that biological, innate desire many women say they had, as the road less traveled is still slightly judged and everyone loves a wedding and babies - this pronatalism narrative is very pervasive and often persuasive.

In my view the people who think they can offer a great life to children, and are happy to make some sacrifices, should do it, not people who aren't convinced. There are some brilliant parents around and I take my hat off to them.

Finally just to note 'we can always adopt' is bandied around a lot. The adoption process is incredibly challenging and that is before you take on a child with a history. It's definitely not a back up option and something to be embraced in its own right.

We have a lot of child free friends in their forties and they're never the ones moaning and groaning about life. They're off travelling and living life while us knackered, grumpy parents try to make ourselves feel better by telling them how much joy our kids have brought to our lives ha !

You don't have to have children - you could have one child so put aside 18 years of varying responsibility - having , say, 3 can span many more years

I know I won't regret it because my genes are shite and it would be irresponsible. My family is absolutely riddled with mental and physical health problems on both sides. Its irresponsible to have a child because you fear loneliness. Children are people. You can't create them for the sake of giving them responsibility for your happiness (well you can, but you shouldn't). I still feel responsible for my mother's happiness or lack thereof, but that's another story. Anyway you sound like you know this really. Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders OP.