To feel I won't regret not having kids - or will I?

[pudding24]

Probably been asked a million times, but I need to ask...

I'm in my late twenties, happily married, DH doesn't want kids and I don't think I do either. Reasons being:

• I've had anxiety (and sometimes depression as a result) all my life and I've managed to reach a place of happiness by keeping my life simple and taking on as few responsibilities as possible. I think I would find being responsible for anything 24/7 stressful to the point of making me unhappy.
• I was a difficult teenager and my brother (who's some way younger than me so I was/am more like a parent to him) even worse. I was bullied and had anxiety/depression; my brother self-harmed, was suicidal, and has Asperger's and still lives at home unable to work. I have no idea how my mum stayed strong through all that and I know I could not go through that myself.
• DH and I both hate working and want to work hard now so we can have a future where we are financially more free and can perhaps go part-time and enjoy our lives, maybe see the world, etc.

My worries on the other hand are:

• Ending up old and alone.
• Not leaving any trace in the world once I'm gone; not having any purpose.

Pragmatically, I feel like if I do leave it too late and regret it, I could always adopt, but if I have kids, I can never un-have them.

But when you have so little time to decide as a woman, how do you know that you won't regret it?

@Poppins17 & anyone else who sees this! I googled this too and found this thread! I’d be curious how it worked out for the OP @pudding24 . My own opinion has changed dramatically . I’m 100% I don’t want them - I’m early 40s - whereas i really wanted children when I was younger. I grieved it and mourned & now I’m so at peace with the way things worked out

@Nouveaunew Greta to hear things worked out for you! We are still childless, and sometimes I question our decision .. but we’re happy and that’s all we can ask for. Life is too incredibly short, and precious to be anything else!

I just always knew I wanted kids so I can't speak for not being sure.

But when I was in hospital I was in a bay with three other women - one was an older woman who had been happily childfree but now her friends were too old to visit her and her husband's mobility wasn't good, and she said to the nurse that she hadn't thought of things like that when she was younger.

Another was in her 30's and needed a hysterectomy for cancer before having children. She said she had not factored this into her family plans (of course) when she was asked how she felt now the decision was taken away from her - obviously nothing she could do about it and she didn't seem to express anything overly emotional but made me think.

The last was an elderly lady with dementia who had six daughters. At least one of them came every day, checked up with the nurses, brought her things, and sat with her.

That experience made a big impact on me.

For every lady with 6 daughters who come to visit there will be another with 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 or 6 sons and/or daughters who never visit her. Having children does not automatically guarantee that they will remain in your life as you get older, and it's certainly not a good enough reason for having children - heaven knows there are enough threads on here that show how fractured families can be.

OP you might find this article useful.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-not-fear-regret-about-not-having-kids

[quote Nouveaunew]**@Poppins17* & anyone else who sees this! I googled this too and found this thread! I’d be curious how it worked out for the OP @pudding24* . My own opinion has changed dramatically . I’m 100% I don’t want them - I’m early 40s - whereas i really wanted children when I was younger. I grieved it and mourned & now I’m so at peace with the way things worked out[/quote]
I also wanted children but couldn’t have them. I also grieved and am now quite happy with the way things worked out - DH and I have a good life together.

You can't know for sure, but your reasons for possibly having children don't really stand up. We all end up "alone", in the sense that we are all responsible for ourselves. If you have kids so that they can "look after you when you're old" then that is totally the wrong reason - it would be cruel to put that burden onto an adult child.
Does it matter that we leave no trace in the world after death? There are 7 billion people on the planet, so each one of us is completely insignificant & will be forgotten very quickly after we die. You need to be Mozart or Shakespeare to really make a lasting impact!
Just live your life the way you want to - in 100 years' time, none of it will matter.

I can really see how that experience impacted you @georgarina I do sometimes (not often) think about myself when I’m older but only if some illness makes independence more difficult - or impossible. I do think about the importance of having the means to hire help, if needed.

On the positive side, I guess it gives me motivation to take better care of my health (as I’m sure having kids does too) - I don’t worry as much about loneliness as I have so many nourishing friendships and I think an open heart and mind is imperative to happiness when childless (& relationship-less, as I am right now - but hoping not to remain longterm).

I didn’t regret it, until I did. Was too late by then.

You’ve got plenty of time, don’t rule anything out.

That article is interesting @CounsellorTroi

I never wanted children I now have 3... I hate most parts of being a parent although i adore my children. I have crippling anxiety and low mood...worsened when feeling overwhelmed which happens often with children and other parents and juggling kids and work and your own sanity and happiness ...I am also an older persons community psych nurse and trust me its often worse knowing the patient has children who are just not involved....than seeing an older person alone.... always makes me feel better if i know someone has had a fab life travelling and being.... my advice? Just dont do it!

I would have regretted it. Never wanted them til my mid 20s, then the maternal urge hit me like a truck. JMO and just my experience, but I can't imagine a life without children.

Have faith that you do know your own feelings but don't nail how you feel now to your personal identity. Dont tell yrslf what you feel. Be aware, and if your feelings change you will know.

Read the number of posts on here alone about people who are NC or LC with their parents. It’s not uncommon at all. I bet most old people in nursing homes have kids - that doesn’t mean they visit them. As for a purpose in life - think about the number of adults who don’t add much to society, scrounge from others, assault and abuse people etc. They were all a parent’s pride and joy once upon a time too so you have no guarantee of producing a good person. If you think your life’s purpose is to have a child, you may well end up disappointed.

You wont regret not having children. You will be able to travel easily, save up now and retire earlier, no drudge work of caring for small children, no sleepless nights.

Plus avoid all the other things you mentioned.

Your life sounds full already. In your position I wouldnt have any.

Having kids does not mean you will have company when older.
I had similar background to you. I also thrive on a simple life.
We planned not to have kids. Then i changed my mind.
It was like a bomb gone off in my life. It was so so hard because i , whilst being the best mother i could , one who adored her kids, one who tired so so hard( but sometimes failed) to.stop the problema of my past affecting my dc , i struggled every single day .
The lack of time to build myself after echos of the past came n bit me on the bum day after day was such a hard struggle. Iwas a mix of hard stuff hitting me all.the time whilst having the awareness to fight n address the family harms legacy on me.
Now , sitting here, we have two wonderful adult dc. They are well adjusted. Kind , caring people. Both uni educated but the thing i always say to them is that they are sucessful already because of the fact they are good humans and that is what defines us. Breaking the cycle of a p
Bad family history as evidenced by my kids cost me so.much but makes me proud to have achcieved this. Its made me strong. I know the most sensible thing, as you say op, wd be to have a simple life. Its safer in a lot of ways.
Pre dc we both travelled, worked part time, had more time for each other. Its been a 20 year hard ment slog... one which took so much out of me.
Thats my truth. Id say if you do have kids with your background ,go in ready, prep as much as poss, lool after and be aware of your emotions etc. Sending love .

@RestingMurderousFace

I didn’t regret it, until I did. Was too late by then.

You’ve got plenty of time, don’t rule anything out.

Did the regret stay? Or was it moving in to a new phase where the choice was gone? That phase must be hardest. Im speculating but id have imagined that by about 47 acceptance that there is no choice in it anymore is reached. Ie, it doesnt carry on feeling like regret?

CounsellorTroi, the following paragraph in the article you posted above really stood out to me.

'The decision not to have kids is the only one we question. We don’t worry so much about the possibility of regretting having kids.'

I've said before on threads about choosing not to have children that those (including me) who make that decision often seem to put far more thought into their decision than many who have children just because it's what women do (and of course, no one ever questions men on their child free status).

@Tilapia

I think that, given the list of pros and cons in your post, YANBU to think that having children is probably not the right choice for you.

This.

Having children is absolutely no guarantee to not ending up alone so I honestly wouldn't factor that in.

Your reasons are very solid.

You are very wise to have given it such indepth thought.

I don't regret it. Children are a worry and expense - I have enough worry and expense in my life without adding to it.

Off.

Oh once they weren't there, I would have gotten back into bed and ignored any further knocks.

Going into the room is very off.

@minionsarecute

I was always desperate for a child. I a=was very nieve and didn't know anything about children.

I regret having my Son with every cell in my body.

Parenting is shit. It's tiring, exhausting, worrying, relentless, restrictive.

I was SO much happier before I had my Son and I feel like I'm living a prison sentence. I cannot wait until he is 18 and gone. Even once he's 18 he may very well have problems.

My brother has aspergers and has been nothing but misery for my parents. I don't know why I was so stupid to have a child.

I have a decent job but my Son means I cannot socialise after work. I can't get a moments peace outside of work. I'd do anything to not have him here.

I don't think you will regret it at all. Parenting is awful and I don't know why anyone chooses to do it!

I felt like this for a very long time and still do occasionally. DS is 17 now but I would not say we have an easy relationship. I comfort myself that he has that with his dad and I do love and care abut him - in fact I spend more time than DH worrying about him and trying to help him with any problems he has.

However, when DS eventually leaves home ( if he ever does!) , I will miss him of course but I think the overriding emotion I will feel is a sense of freedom and relief that I no longer have to worry about or have to take day to day care of someone. I am just not someone who enjoys taking care of people, I don't really have a nurturing side as I am too selfish deep down.

Being a parent has meant that I have had to develop and practice taking care of someone and that has been good thing for me, but it has never come naturally and has always felt like and act, like I am being someone I am not, and that is pretty exhausting after nearly 18 years of it

I think being a parent has helped me develop as a person in some ways but at the expense of DS, who deserves a much better mother.

Being a mother has been the source of the the greatest pain and sense of failure I have had in my life. That is the honest truth for me. I assume it is not a common feeling but there you are.

I'm similar to you - I don't really want kids (and DP already has an 18yo so he's not bothered that I don't want them).

But.. sometimes I see things on social media about people having lovely times with their kids and I think I want that. And yes, I also worry about being old and alone (DP is a lot older than me as well, which means I will almost certainly be alone).

But having kids is so much more than the happy times. It's giving up your independence and putting someone else first forever.

I think I'm too selfish for that.

I have anxiety too btw (medicated) and I just think I'd be a shit parent and cope incredibly badly. I wouldn't mind if I could start with them as school age, sleeping through the night and potty trained, but sadly there's no magic button for that one!

So I'm with you.

Will I regret it? I don't know. But I'd rather regret NOT having them than regret having them, and having them feel that they're not 100% wanted.

I am nearly 43 and have no regrets about being childfree.

As I often say on these threads though, it wasn’t a decision for me as such. I never had to think about it and mull over the pros and cons. I just simply never, ever, wanted children or had a desire to be a mother. Similar to how I never wanted to run away and join the circus, or to be a nightclub promoter or hundreds of other things. It never featured as something on my radar that might be of interest.

My worries on the other hand are:
- Ending up old and alone. kids aren't a guarantee of being old and loved, meanwhile you can build up different generations of friends so you won't be alone. I have a friend in her sixties, childless, some regrets, and single. I know she gets lonely but she'll never be alone. Throughout her life she's curated so many friendships of people of different ages.
- Not leaving any trace in the world once I'm gone; my trace could be wiped out by my kids not having kids. It's a spurious trace, when you have no control beyond having your own child. Meanwhile my friends (all with kids) will leave more permanent traces like saving green land from development and turning it into community ownership, doing jobs that save lives in medicine, making films that will live in beyond us, making art that will live on beyond us. Meanwhile mine is three kids I can't guarantee the outcome of. I volunteer for a "meaningful" charity so I hope I've made a difference to someone over 10 years of work.
- not having any purpose. see above. Kids give you a purpose for a comparatively short time. A job that matters, a life full of goodness, they can all give long term purpose.

You've got a decade ideally, so don't make any intractable decisions but it's OK to make a decision that works for you