To feel I won't regret not having kids - or will I?

[pudding24]

Probably been asked a million times, but I need to ask...

I'm in my late twenties, happily married, DH doesn't want kids and I don't think I do either. Reasons being:

• I've had anxiety (and sometimes depression as a result) all my life and I've managed to reach a place of happiness by keeping my life simple and taking on as few responsibilities as possible. I think I would find being responsible for anything 24/7 stressful to the point of making me unhappy.
• I was a difficult teenager and my brother (who's some way younger than me so I was/am more like a parent to him) even worse. I was bullied and had anxiety/depression; my brother self-harmed, was suicidal, and has Asperger's and still lives at home unable to work. I have no idea how my mum stayed strong through all that and I know I could not go through that myself.
• DH and I both hate working and want to work hard now so we can have a future where we are financially more free and can perhaps go part-time and enjoy our lives, maybe see the world, etc.

My worries on the other hand are:

• Ending up old and alone.
• Not leaving any trace in the world once I'm gone; not having any purpose.

Pragmatically, I feel like if I do leave it too late and regret it, I could always adopt, but if I have kids, I can never un-have them.

But when you have so little time to decide as a woman, how do you know that you won't regret it?

I didn't have children to look after me, I hope they live their lives rather than feeling burdened with me.
I think I decided to do it because I wanted to experience everything I could In life. I didn't even think about children until I was about 33, by that time I was a bit bored of all the travelling etc, and wanted something different.
By my late 20s I hadn't thought about having, or not having, children at all.

I have 2 friends who didn't have kids as their partners didn't want them and they believed that they didn't either.

In both cases the marriages broke up in their 40s for reasons not linked to children. But it make both reassess and regret not having had children and then it was too late.

So just make sure you are not just convincing yourself and really do feel that way. If your partner was begging you for them, would you feel differently?

The only reason you need is that you don't fancy it.

It's silly that having children is considered the default, considering how much it changes your life.

It would be more sensible if having children were something that everyone exhorted you to consider very carefully before starting on, as it can't be undone once you've done it.

I'm almost 33 and only decided to start trying in January after never wanting children. I've spent a very happy 13 years with DH, travelled a lot, lived abroad, achieved my career goal. I'm not fussed about a baby and am terrified of having a toddler but would really like to have another member of our little family and look forward to having an older child.

I still have no biological urge but am aware I'm rapidly approaching a more risky age for conceiving so we thought we'd just see what happens. I know it's the right thing but I didn't know that til I made the decision if that makes sense.

Better to regret not having them than to regret having them.

I must say if you are coming on here asking 'will I regret not having children?' Then I believe you will regret not having them.

This comes up a lot and I always disagree.

Having children is presented as the default choice. It is presented as the natural thing for a woman to do and to want to do.

A woman debating "do I want to do this" does not necessarily want it. She simply knows that it is expected of her, and is making sure to give it serious consideration before deciding not to. do it. After all, everyone else supposedly wants it.

You're right, you can't know. You just make the best decision you can at the time. Life is full of disappointments regardless -- you could also end up regetting having kids, it can go both ways. Whatever happens you have to make the most of it, so doesn't make sense to worry too much about making a "right" decision. Try to appreciate the luxury that modern women have that we even have choices about our fertility.

After the age of 30, fertility starts to diminish dramatically. With each passing year, your chances of conceiving drops quite rapidly.

I rather wish I had ignored that advice when I heard it 20 yrs ago. Listening to that advice is how I ended up with 3 unplanned children. Come to think of it, my grandmother had a similar experience. They were also unwanted children in her case.

I reckon I would have been fine without kids. I don't understand people gripped by grief about their own fertility. I'm not saying they're wrong, I'm saying I can't imagine I could have ever felt that way. Being child-free is fine.

Thanks everyone it's really helpful to hear others' stories.

Have you spent much time Arline children? How do you feel when you hold a baby

I really like children and babies and sometimes feel sad there are none in my life - I have no close friends or family with babies currently. I did love when my brother was young and I looked after him a lot. I would be a totally willing babysitter. But I do get the feeling I would always be happy to hand them back at the end of the day.

To the pp talking about fertility decreasing after the age of 30...yes, that's true however as my obstetric consultant explained to me, those stats need re-evaluated. Women are now living longer with a better quality of life because they're looking after their health. The things that decreased fertility when those stats were valid are no longer dominant factors. Only 10 years ago a pregnant woman in her late 30's was referred to as "geriatric primagravida" (for first pregnancies). Nowadays women having children in their late 30's and early 40's are much more common and this term is no longer used.

OP only you know if you'll regret not having children but perhaps stop worrying about it and enjoy living in the now for a bit x

I was always desperate for a child. I a=was very nieve and didn't know anything about children.

I regret having my Son with every cell in my body.

Parenting is shit. It's tiring, exhausting, worrying, relentless, restrictive.

I was SO much happier before I had my Son and I feel like I'm living a prison sentence. I cannot wait until he is 18 and gone. Even once he's 18 he may very well have problems.

My brother has aspergers and has been nothing but misery for my parents. I don't know why I was so stupid to have a child.

I have a decent job but my Son means I cannot socialise after work. I can't get a moments peace outside of work. I'd do anything to not have him here.

I don't think you will regret it at all. Parenting is awful and I don't know why anyone chooses to do it!

minionsarecute thanks for sharing, a perspective we don't see very often on here.

It is better not to have a child for the reasons you say, than to have one because it's the done thing then do not enjoy it or feel resentful.
Don't question yourself- you don't need to justify it to anyone if it's right for you then that is totally fine! It is also fine to change your mind later in life if that's what decision you make.

minions how old is your Ds? I am really sorry to hear you feel that way, that's really sad for both of you. However, it's not the representative view of most parents for the benefit of the op

I love these threads, it's like I've found my people! Yep, I knew being saddled with children wasn't for me in my early 20's and I still have that thought 20 years on.

Very sorry if I've been insensitive my dear, I am the result of an abusive childhood followed by being a battered wife and now have the menopause. Having a hard shell has helped me to survive life and although I am actually kind and caring it doesn't always come across.
So love and hugs to you and apologies for not understanding

Bugger wrong thread - menopause strikes again.

I think if you're thinking about it you will regret it. I do know a fair number er of people who really didn't want kids and then suddenly did as they reached 30, 40, even 50. You're doing the right thing though, having a good think. X

You have a good while yet. Personally,I'd wait and see how you feel at 30, my biological clock suddenly started ticking as loudly as Big Ben when I got to 30.

I think the fact you are posting probably means you aren't sure and will possibly regret it. The majority of people don't regret it, of course there are a few who do but by and large kids are a good thing

I'd do anything to not have him here

That's not a 'normal' way to feel IMO - not to that, drastic, degree anyway.

If you seriously feel that way, I'd suggest GP as a first stop to rule out depression and the like and then SS next. If you truly feel that strongly then he'd probably be better off being adopted or in foster care.

I'm surprised no one has popped up to ask why this thread is on a parenting forum.

I've never wanted children and at 42 my childbearing years are rapidly coming to an end.

I have a toddler nephew who I adore and another one the way but his arrival confirmed motherhood wasn't for me.

It's amazing how many people with children seem to take my childlessness as an afront to their choice. If I had a pound for every time I'd been told I'd change my mind I'd have quite a tidy sum!

There is no right and wrong answers. There are people who can't wait to have kids, feel very broody, and although I think few actually truly regret their children, many find parenting not as fantastic as they'd imagine and some will say that they wished they'd done it differently.

You do have the opposite though! I have a close friend who always said she wouldn't have children, that she wasn't maternal, that she was too selfish to have children and wouldn't be a good mum. She said she enjoyed her independence too much. When she announced that she got pregnant after being with her partner for only a few months (and never really went over whether it was kind of planned or not!), we were all silently worried. It didn't help that she suffered from horrific morning sickness and at one time I really thought she would resort to an abortion. Yet the moment her son was put on her chest she fell in love with him and turn into this mother earth type of person! She loved being a mum of a newborn (to be fair, he was a little angel!), and suddenly had no interest in doing anything that wasn't baby related. He is now 9, she is still with the dad, and her life revolves around him. I would never ever have thought this to be the outcome.

What you have to accept is that whatever decision you end up making, you'll be stuck with it BUT most people make it work, whether it is having children because however hard work they are, almost all parents do love their children deeply or if you do decide not to have children and sometimes wonder if it was an error, you will get on with it and make the best of your child free life.

Obviously most people here did decide or end up having children, including me. But that doesn't mean I can't see that it's absolutely the right choice for some people not to have them. You can't do everything in this life. If you take one path you can't always take the other as well.

Hope you will feel able to continue to do what feels right for you.

most people here did decide or end up having children

I wonder how many "ended up" rather than "decided".

I think if you commit to a decision, you're unlikely to regret it. I'm pregnant with my first child at 37, and now is the right time. But I always knew that my answer to children was yes, it just took a while for it be yes, now. Oh, and while it's not the case for everyone, it took 6 months of trying very casually for us. You do still have time although it sounds unlikely that you'll change your mind.

Re legacy, you don't need kids for that. I worked with a woman who founded and ran a charity. She was single most of her adult life. Her funeral filled a large church, and was an amazing occasion. She is remembered every day by those who worked with her and the charity continues. It wasn't what she set out to achieve - she just did what she was good at - but it's definitely a legacy to be proud of.

It doesn't need to be big legacy either. You can make a small difference that will be well remembered. You can just be, and people will remember you.

I found myself googling this question this morning and came across this old thread.

Three years on I’m just wondering if those who decided not to have children still feel the same way ie no regrets?