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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have an opinion when you earn 40k a year!

238 replies

cluckyhen · 08/07/2017 16:46

So DD drove me mad this morning by opening 'new' milk instead of 'old' milk after already doing my head in by snapping at me and I was having a bit of a grumble under my breath about it when OH decided he was going to wade in with his opinion.

Short version of the story that still has me fuming some 6 hours and one spotless house later is he turned round and said that when I go out and earn 40k a year I can have an opinion.

Pardon? I've raised 2 children, numerous pets, followed him here, there and everywhere, moved house 13 times, done school runs, hospital trips, specialist meetings, wiped noses, arses, breaks and bleeds. Quit jobs at short notice, driven different continents and ensured that everything is done in the house whether he is with us or away and I am suddenly not allowed an opinion. I'm so angry that he has said this.

AIBU in wanting to bury him at the bottom of the garden? I've already had a sniffle as this has really got to me but am now getting ready to go out to my other job - the one that I took on as he will be working away for a year and I do need some kind of interaction with people other than grunting teenagers!

OP posts:

Patriciathestripper1 · 09/07/2017 23:41

just
Tell him if he had to pay you for everything you do then it would be a damn sight more than 40k a year!
What a big nob head.

Patriciathestripper1 · 09/07/2017 23:44

P.s. I have a really big field and a digger if it's any help?

Reebs123 · 10/07/2017 00:13

Mine says the same. Some men are so ungrateful

yourerubberimglue · 10/07/2017 01:01

Lol my best mate is 24 and earns 50k a year ... is her opinion more valid than his? Or would she not count because of her age? Her gender? Her childlessness ?

He's feeling unappreciated and has reverted to being a child and measuring equality by stupid means.

yourerubberimglue · 10/07/2017 01:02

Also I have a patio if needed ...

Only1scoop · 10/07/2017 02:24

"If I'd have been working full time like you for over 20 years like you DH, I expect I'd earn considerably more than 40 grand"

Challenge him for your own loss of earnings

38cody · 10/07/2017 07:03

I would consider leaving my DH if he said that to me. How awful

Dramatic much?
YANBU - not a reasonable thing to say but whether he earns 40k or not, he IS entitled to an opinion.
YOu would think from the comments here that nobody else's DH had ever made an unreasonable comment!

Writermom22 · 10/07/2017 07:21

@craftwhore last time I looked, I was a woman.

secretselkie · 10/07/2017 07:46

Playing Devil's advocate here a bit...

What he said is ridiculous and wrong on many levels, but, could it be down to him just being home and feeling out of the loop and surplus to requirements due to the fact that you are so good at being in control of all the home/DC stuff?

My DH has worked away for long periods in the past and this was an issue for us - he felt he didn't have a place in our lives or routine and said it was a real struggle to feel useful and part of the social and practical in and outs of the family again..

I think you DH is feeling very insecure (not your fault!) and out of place and is reverting to using the part of his life (work!) that he is currently more comfortable with (and probably has more control over) to try and create a feeling of control in what is effectively your domain ..

he has gone about it in a way that makes him a complete asswipe and you have every right to be totally upset and pissed about that .. however, if this isn't his default attitude then it seems like a bit of honest communication could get you over this hump

Damsel · 10/07/2017 07:50

OP is this latest remark consistent with his general attitude towards you? If it's a general underlying theme in your marriage then he's not going to change so you can only change how you react to him & there's been lots of advice on here!

However, a big concern for me would be the example he's setting your teenagers with his attitude towards you as his wife & their Mum.

You might want to give that some thought.

Cab65 · 10/07/2017 08:14

Funny same kind of thing happened to me this week must be the heat! I am retired and was out for a meal with my DH when the bill came he muttered something about I'll pay this then shall I and I said I'd pay but I only have £20 in my purse while he had hundreds in his wallet and he said but you don't work do you. Really upset me.

WomblingThree · 10/07/2017 08:18

They haven't 38cody. They are all too bloody terrified of the excessive reactions .

I sometimes wonder how some people on MN actually stay married at all if this is the way they would actually react in real life. Or is it just that it's very easy to be gung ho when you aren't in that situation.

clarkl2 · 10/07/2017 09:23

What a santimonious knob!

Changedtocovermyass · 10/07/2017 09:27

What a shallow idiot he is. Tell him to off to fuck. Leave his important wallet on the front lawn. Obviously nothing else in your home means anything to him.

partyof3 · 10/07/2017 09:37

I'm sorry you are upset. I would be too. At this point I'd be downing tools and leaving them all to fend for themselves. A few days of no clean laundry and no cooked meals might focus their mind. I'd also be organising a few nights out with my friends. And don't feel bad about it. They will soon value everything you do for them when they have to do it for themselves.

Anastasia80 · 10/07/2017 09:44

Wombling - but it is a really hideous comment to make. I've been a SAHM for many years and I would feel so demeaned if my DH ever said that to me. I would not get over it in a hurry, put it that way. It's the ultimate in disrespect really.

And the OP actually has 2 JOBS on top of everything else! Unbelievable.

I agree that he is trying to justify himself in the family. Maybe he feels out if the loop because he's away a lot. Still it's pathetic to validate yourself by a salary. Ugh.

99point9FahrenheitDegrees · 10/07/2017 09:49

It's not the salary, it's the attitude. My DH earns a lot more than me; he's also more tidy and better at doing stuff with the kids. He knows my value though, and is grateful for everything I do, which is a LOT less than the OP. I see men - even friends! - dissing their wives like this and think WT actual F. And say it to the friends - you need to wife swap with me for three days and you'll start to understand what a pearl you have already!

WomblingThree · 10/07/2017 10:08

Anastasia80 I don't disagree it's a horrible thing to say at all. However, if DH said this, having never been an arse before, I wouldn't be racing out the door without a backward glance. I would be finding out what prompted it. If the OPs DH said it as part of a years long pattern of arsehole behaviour, then why has she put up with it for so long. She hasn't become a forces wife overnight.

Some people on here are just so reactionary when it comes to other people's marriages, and I just wonder if they would be so quick to follow their own "advice" if it was happening to them. I don't believe that their partners have never acted like a wanker at any point. No man could live up to such standards of perfection 24/7.

Motherbear26 · 10/07/2017 10:11

I would not hesitate to leave my DH if he said this to me. That's not bravado, I just wouldn't tolerate such a lack of respect from the person who is supposed to love me more than anyone else in the world.

I am a SAHM, which was a decision we took together. We were both working silly hours and barely seeing each other or our DC. At the time, my DH's career had the best prospect of rapid progression so we decided I would stay home and raise the family while he worked. I have no doubt whatsoever that had it been the other way round my DH would have done the same for me and I think this makes a huge difference. His working hours have worsened over the years and he can't be on call at all for childcare or picking the kids up (at least not without huge planning!) which makes it very difficult for me to work (although I am hoping to return to my career once the kids are both in secondary school). But he appreciates everything I do and what I have given up because we are a team. He often tells people that he couldn't have made such a success of his business without me being there to support him and that everything he does is for us.

I don't know your personal circumstances OP or what his behaviour is usually like, but you cannot tolerate comments like this. It's obvious that you don't want to LTB, and it's not for me to tell you that you should, but I think your husband needs to understand exactly what you have done all these years to facilitate his career and lifestyle. My DC's school has lots of forces families and I admire the partners that stay home as much as the ones that go away. You're a tough breed and I certainly couldn't do it. If your DH doesn't learn to appreciate what you have done over the years, he doesn't deserve you.

WomblingThree · 10/07/2017 10:17

And I totally agree with everything secretselkie said. When DH worked away he would jack-boot around for a bit to re-establish his role when he came home. I told him to knock it off. Then I sat him down and told him how it made us feel. I didn't need to yell and flounce (or leave him) because he's human too, and was feeling pretty shit about being away.

Frokni · 10/07/2017 10:22

Professional Nanny/housekeepers in London/abroad (which is essentially your role 24/7) make more than your husband does so maybe he should STFU and realise how lucky he is to be so supported at home and that you could earn more than him doing the job you do every day for him for Sweet FA money because you love the family and work your are off.

In all honesty I would be heartbroken if my partner said that to me. So I am very sorry to hear that you have been faced with such cruel words.

B&Q sell shovels

rightwhine · 10/07/2017 10:26

A very serious chat is in order and some serious grovelling. If it's more than a one off comment then you may need to re-evaluate your options.

TheProdigalRhubarb · 10/07/2017 10:29

Op, you said you didn't want to just 'throw away' the last two decades. I'd be focussing on the decades ahead, as spending them with someone who valued me so little would be throwing them away too.

Maryann1975 · 10/07/2017 10:33

He needs to watch out, a divorce could cost him his pension. I remember reading About a case a few years ago with a forces couple who split and she was given his whole pension in the divorce settlement, as well as other monthly contributions as she had done so much to contribute to the home life, the family and to enable him to further his career at the expense of her own.
Dh always valued my role as 'holding it all together' when he went away with the raf. I think it's probably harder than going away in a lot of ways. Unfortunately I think the role of women at home is still viewed as 'women being in their place' by a lot in the military. It was only 5 or so years ago when a friend who worked was told by her husbands officer boss that she shouldn't be working because her job was to stay at home and look after the children. He couldn't possibly have time off to look after his own poorly child. I often hope the attitude is changing, but i think there are a lot at the top with quite an engrained image of 1950s housewives.

LentilBolognaise · 10/07/2017 10:37

I second what ProdigalRhubarb said. You sound more than capable of managing on your own, if it came to that. Maybe it's time to really take a look at what you get out of your marriage (what he gets seems fairly obvious!). I'm not suggesting you LTB, but certainly this sounds like an opportunity to evaluate your marriage / life and maybe have a serious chat with your OH about what you both want - whether it's a future together or apart.

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