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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have an opinion when you earn 40k a year!

238 replies

cluckyhen · 08/07/2017 16:46

So DD drove me mad this morning by opening 'new' milk instead of 'old' milk after already doing my head in by snapping at me and I was having a bit of a grumble under my breath about it when OH decided he was going to wade in with his opinion.

Short version of the story that still has me fuming some 6 hours and one spotless house later is he turned round and said that when I go out and earn 40k a year I can have an opinion.

Pardon? I've raised 2 children, numerous pets, followed him here, there and everywhere, moved house 13 times, done school runs, hospital trips, specialist meetings, wiped noses, arses, breaks and bleeds. Quit jobs at short notice, driven different continents and ensured that everything is done in the house whether he is with us or away and I am suddenly not allowed an opinion. I'm so angry that he has said this.

AIBU in wanting to bury him at the bottom of the garden? I've already had a sniffle as this has really got to me but am now getting ready to go out to my other job - the one that I took on as he will be working away for a year and I do need some kind of interaction with people other than grunting teenagers!

OP posts:
MTWTFSS · 09/07/2017 18:48

Strike!!!

When my DC/DH are taking me for granted, I refuse to do all household chores until an apology is issued. Once DH refused to say sorry, so I handed in my 1 month notice (wrote a professional looking letter on the computer), he soon changed his mind and apologised.

lilypoppet · 09/07/2017 18:50

Earning 40k doesn't preclude you from being a total tool. I've worked with many

Purplealienpuke · 09/07/2017 18:51

I would rip his arm off and bash him with the soggy end!!
WTAF?? You would be well within your rights to fuck them all off out of it (have kids back after suitable apology for being selfish buggers) imo.
I am very glad I'm single coz I could never put up with an arrogant fucker like that disrespecting and undervalueing my role as a mother and partner/wife! 😠

Mummymia2 · 09/07/2017 18:52

I would be livid if my partner said that to me.

Time to stop doing everything you do around the house etc.... then when they come home to a shit hole house, no dinner, clothes washed etc. you can tell them you were out looking for a well paid job so you can have an opinion and pay someone else to do the cleaning!!

What an arse! Appreciate he may be feeling bad in himself but that is absolutely no excuse to take it out on you!

user1492023898 · 09/07/2017 18:58

I think there are a couple of options here:

  1. Bury him, as per your original suggestion.
  2. Tell him that you'll continue to worry about milk until he earns enough money to support your family comfortably. It's obviously tongue in cheek, but should get this "breadwinner" where it hurts him the most.
3perfectweemen · 09/07/2017 18:59

Waste of time showing him this thread to show him the bell end he is.. he will say 'yeah that's a bunch of women, their opinions don't count' Hmm
He sounds like a real entitled asshole Angry
Sorry you have to live with that dumb ass Flowers you deserve so much better.

caramac04 · 09/07/2017 19:05

YADNBU and are deserving of respect. Your DH deserves to be buried at the bottom of the garden but also (from the general public ) respect for the work he does. Is he on R&R? Has he been away for long? It could be the readjustment thing but without a proper talk you probably can't say for certain. What about a long walk together/ date night/ day out? Failing some sort of explanation and apology please message me this come round with a shovel FlowersWine

GreenRut · 09/07/2017 19:08

Pp has it right. Next time he tries to comment on anything to do with the dc or the home calmly inform him that when he's raised 2 children and kept a home running for x number of years he will be entitled to am opinion. Rude fucker.

LadyLapsang · 09/07/2017 19:09

I earn enough to have an opinion in your DH's view, and my opinion is that you should have picked up your handbag and walked straight out of the door to spend the day doing exactly what you wanted (art gallery, the cinema, shopping, a day at the beach) the moment those words were out of his mouth. 6 hours cleaning - no!

Sprinklestar · 09/07/2017 19:09

Tell him you're going back to work full time and he'll have to be director of operations at home going forward. Also tell him you'll be bringing in a damn sight more than £40K. It's hardly big money, is it? He sounds awful, OP.

sandelf · 09/07/2017 19:11

His view of the world and your joint life is very different from yours. - There are many reasons. You may find he genuinely (obviously mistakenly) has not understood how central he has been in your life. And you have not known that. Use the intensity of your reaction to grow and change. In these situations no one is free of blame. Do not let the strength of your feelings hurt you.

houseinamess · 09/07/2017 19:13

Tell him fine. He can now employ a housekeeper/cook and cleaner, and you will be out every night having a good time. If he doesn't like it, he can give you a good settlement and find some other mug to trail after him . Or you will find a £40,000 job and won't be home much in future.

Doofletch · 09/07/2017 19:15

Nope, YANBU. Not at all. I'd be absolutely livid in my OH said this to me! He's now ex forces and ex oil rigs and wouldn't even dream of it, so it's not their mentality (that's not to say that there aren't some prized pricks with that attitude in the forces but you do get them everywhere).
Yes, I could wish he did a bit more in the house to help out at times but he is well aware of what I actually do taking care of our two kids. He's told me many times that he doesn't know how I do it as he can barely manage a day with just one!

I would sit your fella down and calmly tell him how hurt you are by what he said. If it's an ongoing theme from him I would be seriously questioning my future relationship. Good luck and big hugs xxx

mellicauli · 09/07/2017 19:16

Point out to him in terms he might understand: the chain of command in your household is not dictated by money but is dictated by presence. So the pecking order is:

  1. you - in charge - because you are there, this is your domain and provide stability & order. And you would be there regardless of anything else which happened in the world. Even if he provided no money.
  2. him - if he's there, backing you up in all things, in a supporting role. Such as providing funding. Such as backing you up with the children when you need it. Letting you have a rest when you can.

If he really wants to take the primary leadership position, he needs to be there for the children 24/7 every day of the year. And he'd have to fight you for it.

Angela0413 · 09/07/2017 19:19

He's a dick. End of.

Designjunkie you are also bit of a prat - "has the bloom gone out of your marriage??" Seriously,

UpsidedownEighteen · 09/07/2017 19:26

What a cunt.

Tell him when he can be a single parent to your children and keep on top of the housework AND still earn £40k, then he can talk to you about opinions.

Until then he needs to STFU.

glitterglitters · 09/07/2017 19:28

Haven't read the thread but you can tell from the OP this is almost certainly forces!

LemurintheSun · 09/07/2017 19:30

If possible, invite round a friend who earns £50k a year. When your OH tries to join in the conversation, tell him he has to earn an additional £10k a year to share his opinion in such illustrious company. I'm sure he'd very quickly understand how ludicrous it would be to assign speaking rights according to earnings.

Giraffewith2 · 09/07/2017 19:31

My DH is also like this sometimes - forces too!! Lives away in the week and home at weekends. I work from home too but 'only' 15 hours a week.
He gets v short thrift and I remind him that while he earns lots and has a stressful job (which he does) it doesn't mean I don't work hard. I work - paid and housework - in the evenings so I can be with the kids after school etc. It may not be work stress but I remind him that it is stressful having a million and one things going around in my head of what needs to be done at home and for the kids.
They don't get it! Maybe we should leave them for a week to 'worry about milk' while we just think of ourselves......

Pooppants · 09/07/2017 19:47

My husband used to say things like if u need money go get a job! Well, I got a job: working weekends and he needs to do all I do on his day off( his words )

Pooppants · 09/07/2017 19:47

My husband used to say things like if u need money go get a job! Well, I got a job: working weekends and he needs to do all I do on his day off( his words )

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 09/07/2017 19:54

So you have worked and raised the kids? Has he had much involvement in the childcare or expected you to do everything as well as work? I'd be answering back as he had had the ability to concentrate 100percent on his career I would be expecting him to be earning more than £40k!

FeckinCrutches · 09/07/2017 19:59

Howling at 40K Grin
What a little prick.

Missolford33 · 09/07/2017 20:08

Ouch. I'd be radging at this! No matter how much money your earn/ he earns or yous don't earn you are entitled to a god damn opinion! The twat.

Jux · 09/07/2017 20:15

If ALL I did was earn 40K a year, I'd ask if I could have an opinion.

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