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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have an opinion when you earn 40k a year!

238 replies

cluckyhen · 08/07/2017 16:46

So DD drove me mad this morning by opening 'new' milk instead of 'old' milk after already doing my head in by snapping at me and I was having a bit of a grumble under my breath about it when OH decided he was going to wade in with his opinion.

Short version of the story that still has me fuming some 6 hours and one spotless house later is he turned round and said that when I go out and earn 40k a year I can have an opinion.

Pardon? I've raised 2 children, numerous pets, followed him here, there and everywhere, moved house 13 times, done school runs, hospital trips, specialist meetings, wiped noses, arses, breaks and bleeds. Quit jobs at short notice, driven different continents and ensured that everything is done in the house whether he is with us or away and I am suddenly not allowed an opinion. I'm so angry that he has said this.

AIBU in wanting to bury him at the bottom of the garden? I've already had a sniffle as this has really got to me but am now getting ready to go out to my other job - the one that I took on as he will be working away for a year and I do need some kind of interaction with people other than grunting teenagers!

OP posts:

ElleDubloo · 08/07/2017 16:59

This is why women need to work. No matter how much work you do in the home, no matter how fucked he would be without you, your efforts will never be appreciated as much as his paycheck. He might be sitting in a nice air-conditioned office with a cup of tea and a water-cooler nearby, while you push a double buggy in the heat to get the groceries, but his 40K will always trump what you do. It's a shit world.

DividedKingdom · 08/07/2017 17:00

getting ready to go out to my other job - the one that I took on as he will be working away for a year and I do need some kind of interaction with people other than grunting teenagers!

OP how about you tell the grunters they are going with your DH this time. Because it's only a year and he has v wise opinions I think your social life will improve. Probably your career focus too. And definitely your income level

...and one spotless house later ...

footballmum · 08/07/2017 17:01

Have you said all of this to him?

Smarshian · 08/07/2017 17:01

Yadnbu! I genuinely think I'd be questioning whether I want to have anything to do with a man who said:thought that!

KickAssAngel · 08/07/2017 17:02

I don't think women having to work, even if they're already a full time carer/house keeper is really the answer.
The answer is to educate fuckwits that earning a few dollars doesn't make them the big I AM.
Every human being is deserving of a certain level of respect, and that includes having their opinions listened to.

OP - if you want your kids to grow up showing you respect, they need to see that modelled by their father. Nothing you say will make a difference if he treats you like a sub-human.

QueenLaBeefah · 08/07/2017 17:02

I think you need to tell him how he has made you feel, I don't think you should let this go. I'd be utterly fuming.

QuiteLikely5 · 08/07/2017 17:02

Was it banter ?

QueenLaBeefah · 08/07/2017 17:04

I think it is irrelevant if it was banter. A lot of people say what they really feel behind the "I was only joking".

Lndnmummy · 08/07/2017 17:05

That is a really upsetting thing to say. Abit of a deal breaker I think - for me.

Original poster

cluckyhen · 08/07/2017 17:07

For those asking if he likes/respects me - that had already entered my thoughts prior to posting.

Has the bloom gone? Probably. We have been plodding on quite some time.

He's been unhappy in himself for awhile but tells me it's down to weight gain. He doesn't like the fact that 'nothing' he does turns him into some greek adonis overnight and seems extremely insecure about himself - unless he is in the work place.

Gah - time for work for me, will catch up when I'm back - might find the ideal digging spot whilst I'm out

OP posts:

KickAssAngel · 08/07/2017 17:07

I'd be very tempted to give him a list of how much it would cost to replace me - cleaner, cook etc. Then point out that you'd also have half of all equity in a divorce, so maybe he should think about your financial worth.

Or he could value you as a human being, rather than cost out how much you're worth as an appliance.

Pagwatch · 08/07/2017 17:07

'It was banter' is often the refuge of the cuntish

KickAssAngel · 08/07/2017 17:09

So he has low self-esteem, and the way to fix that is to belittle you?

SmilingButClueless · 08/07/2017 17:09

Go on strike.

Only do your own cleaning, cooking etc. Let the rest of them fend for themselves for a while. Maybe then they'll appreciate what it is you do (and your OH will realise how much more than £40k he'd need to pay someone to do everything that you do)

Cailleach666 · 08/07/2017 17:09

Couldn't be with someone in the forces. Sorry.

Pagwatch · 08/07/2017 17:09

Don't invoice him .
He's said out loud that he thinks he's more important than you and that he doesn't value your contribution.
You can be sad and have a drink and joke but he's shown you what he thinks of you and you should reevaluate how you think of him.

Btw I think the 'this is why women should work' is pretty close to victim blaming

fatdogs · 08/07/2017 17:10

@elledubloo is correct. Unfortunately, money buys power and apparently according to your DH your right to have an opinion. Twas ever thus in this world. Unpaid Labour especially caring work in the house or "women work" carries very little value in the eyes of many. I always advocated that women should never given up work, to preserve their financial independence. It also, very sadly preserves your respect in the eyes of the breadwinner, that you are not just another dependant. It shouldn't be the case but unfortunately that's how it is. God knows when this mentality will change.
It seems as if you have sacrificed your career to be a trailing spouse and to hear this thrown back at you must be so galling. The sheer disrespect! My partner doesn't earn 40k a year and I could never imagine saying that to him. It would be so deliberately hurtful. If I said something like that to my partner, I would really be 're examining my feelings towards him ad the only reason I would say something so vicious is if my respect and affection towards him has been totally eroded.
OK if I were you I would be really questioning how your DH truly feels about you and I would also be really looking at whether the marriage could survive this remark. I am not sure you should just accept it as a throwaway remark and make light hearted jokes about killing him. Especially if there has been a pattern of little snide remarks over the last few years.

gillybeanz · 08/07/2017 17:10

I'd have laughed in his face and told him when he could raise a family like you have he's entitled to an opinion.
I'd have also asked what 40k had to do with it, surely it's 190k+ that makes your opinion count

museumum · 08/07/2017 17:12

Imo men in the forces are very very lucky if they are able to have a family. It's really really tough to be a forces wife and those who are married with children should be very grateful for all their spouse goes through for their career.
(Ps I've no idea about forces husbands as the only one I knew is now divorced).

Pagwatch · 08/07/2017 17:14

Money doesn't make people like this

People are selfish wankers or they are not. I haven't worked for 20 years . My DH regards me as an equal because a) he isn't a dick and b) because I am his equal

Alittlepotofrosie · 08/07/2017 17:15

Disrespectful fucking arsehole. He should be thanking you for raising your family. I hope you went nuclear at him.

Betaday · 08/07/2017 17:15

Did he says this in front of your DD OP?

eeniemeenieminiemoe2014 · 08/07/2017 17:17

will provide you an alibi :(

ElleDubloo · 08/07/2017 17:18

Sorry, I didn't mean to blame the OP. Obviously in an ideal world everyone will be respected for their contribution. I was having a general rant at the world.

AyeAmarok · 08/07/2017 17:19

He sounds like a useless, insecure twit.

And bragging about 40k as if he's Lord Sugar. Waddaguy.

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