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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have an opinion when you earn 40k a year!

238 replies

cluckyhen · 08/07/2017 16:46

So DD drove me mad this morning by opening 'new' milk instead of 'old' milk after already doing my head in by snapping at me and I was having a bit of a grumble under my breath about it when OH decided he was going to wade in with his opinion.

Short version of the story that still has me fuming some 6 hours and one spotless house later is he turned round and said that when I go out and earn 40k a year I can have an opinion.

Pardon? I've raised 2 children, numerous pets, followed him here, there and everywhere, moved house 13 times, done school runs, hospital trips, specialist meetings, wiped noses, arses, breaks and bleeds. Quit jobs at short notice, driven different continents and ensured that everything is done in the house whether he is with us or away and I am suddenly not allowed an opinion. I'm so angry that he has said this.

AIBU in wanting to bury him at the bottom of the garden? I've already had a sniffle as this has really got to me but am now getting ready to go out to my other job - the one that I took on as he will be working away for a year and I do need some kind of interaction with people other than grunting teenagers!

OP posts:
KPHJB · 09/07/2017 20:16

Sprinklestar really? '£40k is hardly big money is it?' Yes it really is to some people!!!!

Op sorry your OH doesn't appreciate your unpaid role in the family. YANBU

Jojofjo44 · 09/07/2017 20:23

What a towering cockwomble of the highest degree. I would have smashed my husbands face in if he said that to me.
I have a patio you can bury him in.

Rubies12345 · 09/07/2017 20:28

WomblingThree Sat 08-Jul-17 17:47:58

I imagine the OPs husband meant "when you bring in money you can have an opinion". He wasn't boasting to the OP about his fucking salary. She knows how much he earns

She does bring in money, the OP has clarified twice she has a job

StaplesCorner · 09/07/2017 20:33

So the OP's reaction to this was to clean the house? Blimey.

FinallyHere · 09/07/2017 20:36

So the OP's reaction to this was to clean the house?

You can't just leave bloodstains to fester, they will go smelly.

TT10677 · 09/07/2017 20:40

Tell him that if you had been able to be to work and build a career you'd be earning more than 40k....Grin. Instead here's the invoice for my 24/7 job. Payable within the month. Smile

yummumto3girls · 09/07/2017 20:47

My husband often refers to what an easy life I had when home with 3 children for 5 years before going back to work, despite him often working away and having to contribute hardly anything in terms of day to day childcare and running the house. I hated being in a position where he had that over me, so now I work full time, earn more than him and he contributes 50% to childcare/housework!! Arguments are now much more balanced but I will never forget how he made me feel when I wasn't!

Lynnm63 · 09/07/2017 20:47

What a cunt. You should tell him that £40k is no great shakes and he'll have less than half that when you divorce him. I couldn't come back from that, even if he was joking. My dh earned shedloads more than me but it was my regular salary that allowed him to be self employed without worry.

Monny · 09/07/2017 20:57

My OH did the big I AM routine (after demanding 2nd child + stay at home mum). After a few years of throwing his financial weight around, he said "why don't you get a job like other women?"
So I did. He complained that the kids were in childcare. I filed for divorce.
To cut a long story short: in my circumstance, he was an abusive despot on many levels and could not comprehend that it might not be ok to behave as he did. The relationship's power balance had topped massively in his favour and I was on eggshells/scared. The big 'I am' routine can be a red flag. Take care OP. Does he control finances or just an occasional twat?

thewrinklefairy · 09/07/2017 21:01

I would have a serious discussion about mutual respect and pressures of work. I am a working mum of 4 teenagers and earn more than your husband (and mine) but I would never - repeat never - pull that card with my husband. We are a team in earning, nurturing and providing. I see my earning capability as a burden rather than an opportunity, as I would rather be at home with our children.
I have a sister who is financially' dependent' on her husband but his success is absolutely dependent on her abilities as a corporate wife - a role which she excels at. He would not have reached his current level of promotion without her unhesitating support. Yet she is jealous of my independence.
We both feel the grass is greener on the other side but we have both made our choices - and so have you and your partner.
I feel that you should develop your independence - emotionally and financially - so you don't have to feel threatened by such neanderthal statements in future.
If your husband doesn't see that family and marriage is teamwork, he needs re-educating.......and he needs to get over himself!
The value of your opinion is absolutely not related to your income. As a mother of teenagers, you have vast experience and expertise to offer - and anyone you dismisses that is a foo, in my humble opinion.

starlight13 · 09/07/2017 21:15

I think you need to get out of this relationship and fast. The fact that he has said these words is out there now and I know that I personally wouldn't be able to ever forget that. Let him find someone who will do all of those jobs for free and see how far he gets. Tell him that you are now going to have to hire a cleaner, child minder etc etc because you are planning on working more whilst he's away to bring in £40k and then ask him how much he thinks all of those people are going to bloody cost.
I hope you always make the most of the time when he's away - I bet you can't wait to see the back of him.

LadyTmalia · 09/07/2017 21:16

How odd, it seems my husband has a doppelganger, mine adds in lots of "if you don't like it - leave" as well. Not sure that one is going to work when we leave MQ's :O

God bloody job I love him!
Good luck with yours, I can come and help dig a hole if needed!

Myshitdontstink · 09/07/2017 22:02

Wow! For context I am the main earner and majority child carer (after the childminder)...
YANBU he is a ShitCunt! Bury the fucker then have the large 🍷

Dianag111 · 09/07/2017 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blueink · 09/07/2017 22:29

Horrific, demeaning, invalidating - all him...you are the most reasonable of the reasonable I ever had reason to reason with!
His attitude summed up in one obliterating statement. Talk about calling a spade a shovel (rolls up sleeves to unite with you & the other Mumsnetters...)

LadyPenelope67 · 09/07/2017 22:34

Get digging Clucky. But leave his arse sticking up so you've got somewhere to park your bike.

Miranda15110 · 09/07/2017 22:50

Tell him you want a divorce. I mean why would you stay with a man that thinks so little of you. If his children hear that shit they'll thinks it's okay too x

GinIsIn · 09/07/2017 22:53

I earn over £40k. My opinion is that your husband is a massive twat.

DisgruntledHen · 09/07/2017 22:54

@Monny There is no 'your money, my money etc' in the house. All accounts have always been joint bar one (which is actually mine) - I actually deal with the finances as well as everything else. He'd be screwed if he said it was all his money as I would just transfer it all out into mine and leave him hanging.

@mellicauli You got the pecking order right there and I think he struggles with this as he forgets that 24/7 I am the one that is there for the kids, in super mum mode ready to drop everything (well, mostly - mum's taxi occasionally refuses to run)

@Rubies12345 I actually have 2 jobs . Both part time but basically full time hours during the week. There is every little time for 'me' between teens/animals/house etc

@LadyTmalia - are we married to the same man?? I have also heard the 'if you don't like it leave' phrase (when I have disagreed with yet another piss up/exercise/duty etc)

@thewrinklefairy Yes - he certainly wouldn't be where he is today had I not fully supported him, usually to my own detriment. Luckily I am very independant. I think this scares him. I am the one who rolls up her sleeves and fixes washers/hoovers/cars/tumble driers (I am such a cheap skate - if I can fix it I will) and I think this makes him feel rather emasculated, but if I had to wait for a man to fix it I would be waiting for a long time with his work load.

As for the cleaning the house - that's my go to calming mechanism. Some people eat, some cry, some shop and some run. I clean. Which is good as it meant today I had none to do after work so I actually had time to sit in the garden with a coffee and just listen to the world pass by for half an hour!!

The spade is still on stand by though just in case.

fannydaggerz · 09/07/2017 23:07

He deserves a kick in the stones for that.

Writermom22 · 09/07/2017 23:21

Things are said in the heat of the moment, by both parties, and suddenly you have most of the people on here baying for blood and calling your husband everything from a pig to a dog including cockwomble, jerk, asshole and the c word.

Life's not perfect, I dare say you've probably thrown a few words his way from time to time except he doesn't log onto dadsnet to complain, and have half the world telling him his wife's an entitled cowbag.

Do you think it's easy for him to leave his loved ones for any length of time so that you can all live in the manner you've become accustomed to? Do you think he might be frustrated because he's missing out on time with you and missing out on watching his children grow up?

Thought not.

WatchingFromTheWings · 09/07/2017 23:29

So the OP's reaction to this was to clean the house? Blimey

I clean when I'm in a temper. I usually get bored after 1 room though. Grin

craftwhore · 09/07/2017 23:35

Clucky, oh hey, Writermom22 your husband has logged on...

maggiso · 09/07/2017 23:35

Are you sure he aimed the comment at you not your ( presumably not yet earning) teen?

erudiostressed · 09/07/2017 23:36

I am so angry for you will happily volunteer to help dig the hole to bury him in pass me the shovel... it's not About who earns most money having the right to opinion you are a partnership and he would do well to remember all the things you contribute so he can earn the 40k..... I would be livid if my dp said this to me and I also go wild when people keep opening stuff new when shorter date needs using up its soooo wasteful not to say expensive there should be a law against it