Have an opinion when you earn 40k a year!

[cluckyhen]

So DD drove me mad this morning by opening 'new' milk instead of 'old' milk after already doing my head in by snapping at me and I was having a bit of a grumble under my breath about it when OH decided he was going to wade in with his opinion.

Short version of the story that still has me fuming some 6 hours and one spotless house later is he turned round and said that when I go out and earn 40k a year I can have an opinion.

Pardon? I've raised 2 children, numerous pets, followed him here, there and everywhere, moved house 13 times, done school runs, hospital trips, specialist meetings, wiped noses, arses, breaks and bleeds. Quit jobs at short notice, driven different continents and ensured that everything is done in the house whether he is with us or away and I am suddenly not allowed an opinion. I'm so angry that he has said this.

AIBU in wanting to bury him at the bottom of the garden? I've already had a sniffle as this has really got to me but am now getting ready to go out to my other job - the one that I took on as he will be working away for a year and I do need some kind of interaction with people other than grunting teenagers!

My husband has said something very similar to me before. Such a dick, cant stand him sometimes. Im sure we will divorce one day..... or kill each other!

@Writermom22 Mmmm - maybe in my couple of decades with him I have often thought about that - but the fact that over the last say 7 years he hasn't been anywhere that hasn't had a bar/pub/town with plenty of time off for him to relax and take in the sights/cinemas/cuisine etc. I for one certainly haven't thrown any shite at him that completely undermines him, invalidates his opinions and generally makes him think that somehow he is inferior for not doing something due to doing something else.

And no - he doesn't need to log into dadsnet because he gets free reign to go out with the lads, to go on adventure training, to visit european cities as a sightseer whilst I make sure that his house is still running, his car mot'd/taxed/insured whilst juggling work/pets/teens and swapped finances around to ensure that whilst he is living the life he is accustomed to away from us that we can all make sure we are fed - did you ever think that maybe my pay packet is one of the perks (yep - that's right, I work too - just I don't earn as much as him). I am certainly not the one who goes away on a course for a few days and spend a couple of hundred quid.

And as for the phrase entitled cowbag - where the did that come from? Where did I say I was entitled? Not sure who got your goat before you posted but thanks for your opinion.

How are things today?

OP, do you mind if I ask something? Do you think this has been a creeping, distance between you over many years, or is it a more sudden loss of respect for you?

While either scenario could have many causes, if it's the latter I would be wondering what has changed. You have alluded to DH not being happy about his weight - but are there any other issues?... mental or physical health, a difficult relationship with alcohol for example.

Or, I'm sorry to ask, but could there be someone else?

I think you need some answers. And of course you need respect

@secretselkie Not devils advocate at all - I completely agree that he is feeling insecure. Not sure it is about the household though but more his self perception - something I have tried time and again to speak to him about but he kind of reverts back into the 'I'm old and I've got big' slump. This does grip me as it's not something I've struggled with and no matter how many healthy meals I prep for him (at his request I hasten to add) it doesn't stop the munching on the sidelines/work/away and therefore it's a vicious circle.

Have I considered leaving him over the comment? Nope - and nor would I. My vows are for life, we have been through much more than most and come out the other side but am I deeply hurt and resentful over what he said - Yes....because whilst I may feel like Cinderella 90% of the time it's amazing what a bunch of flowers, a simple 'I appreciate you' sign does - but this I don't get, instead he waded into a situation that was absolutely nothing to do with him and once DD was out at work escalate it by throwing his famous remark in. Had it been a screaming banshee argument maybe I could have let it slide - but there was no shouting, just lots of verbal from OH and then the comment . As @WomblingThree said, when away for sometime they need to find their groove back in the daily routines of us all and we have always coped very well with this as we've had set things to do on purpose - this isn't one of those times though.

I've read all the comments on here and am grateful that some have agreed that it was a spiteful, demeaning thing to say as there was that part of me that thought I was throwing it all out of context. I won't lie - I was spitting feathers but just went about my day as usual. Peoples opinions count as far as I am concerned whether they are valid or not (this obviously varies) but I would never dream of putting someone down intentionally or unintentionally. I could blame the heat, the full moon, a bad nights sleep, hunger - but it still doesn't matter as it was said and it caused hurt. BUT (for those who seem hell bent that I have done something wrong writing on here) each of your posts helped me to think through the situation and realise what an epic ballbag he was for saying it.

To those who've asked - no grovelling, no apology just a carry on as normal atmosphere. I'm not one to bear a grudge and when we have some quiet time alone I will broach the subject and let OH know how much it hurt as if it happens again I don't think I will be as polite - and to be quite honest i'm too old for shouting matches. xx

My vows are for life, we have been through much more than most and come out the other side but am I deeply hurt and resentful over what he said

What about HIS vows- 'to love and cherish'? Can't see much evidence that he is taking any notice of them.

I'd like to get to the root of why you consider there is some virtue in staying married to someone who treats you with disdain and no respect.

I cannot see how much could be 'worse' than being on the receiving end of this type of behaviour, whether it comes with a label of ASD or not.

You are never too old to shout. Maybe the whole reason you are asking for help is you are too passive in this relationship and set the bar too low in terms of your own worth.

Don't get to 80 and sit back thinking you wish you'd got out of this.

My offer of the unfinished patio still stands. You would have the added bonus of knowing I would do an extra rev over the spot on my mobility scooter when I go out

Seriously, I understand you sticking by your vows but would be asking him if his mean nothing?

I wish you well whatever you choose to do.

My vows are for life

I sometimes think that the only vow people remember is the one about forsaking all others. Which is important as well, of course. But there's also to have and to hold, to love and to cherish.

Treating someone like dirt, like a maid in their own home, denigrating their contribution and belittling them for not earning as much...is not loving or cherishing them.

And yes, the vows may be for life but, well, sometimes we make vows we shouldn't have, even if we had no way of knowing it. Marriage is not actually a vow, it is a legal contract, and there are legal ways of dissolving it. If you're unhappy, if someone's treating you like crap, you don't have to put up with it because you once said you did. Sometimes the law is an ass.

Do you think it's easy for him to leave his loved ones for any length of time so that you can all live in the manner you've become accustomed to? Do you think he might be frustrated because he's missing out on time with you and missing out on watching his children grow up?

Well, if he doesn't like it, he can leave.

"My vows are for life" is such a crap reason for staying with a man who decides you only get to have an opinion when you earn money....especially when he can only earn his because you took the career hit.

Your vows aren't for life, OP, your LIFE is for life. You don't get another. Wasting your precious life on a shitbag just because of some romanticised notion about "we said for life" is horrific. Marriage is a contract, not a vow, and it can be legally dissolved.

@PoorYorick Staying with my husband isn't some over romantacised notion. It is the decision of a reasonable mind that can ascertain that whilst he was a complete ass for what he said it isn't the be all and end of a the life we have/had/will have together. If someone saying something wrong once means should run for singledom then nope....thats not for me. And not because I need a man in my life but it's because I think that people flippantly throw things away nowadays without looking at what happened/went wrong/could be misconstrued.

As it states on several other posts. What is written isn't an overall picture on the OPs life but a glimpse at something that has happened that has been ranted about, queried, discussed.

Am I unhappy? With the sentance he uttered yes. With the way it made me feel - yes. With the teens doing naff all yes. With my life. Not a chance. And my reasons why.....they are plentiful and I can guarantee that the OH is in 90% of those reasons even if he did say something shitty (he has made an effort in his own way....he went shopping for one and he doesn't do that)

So your DD spoke to you like crap, "snapped" at you, and youvgrumble under your breath. Your DH wades in and is unfathomably rude and obnoxious, and you clean the house in protest and still three days later haven't brought it up? You do absolutely everything for everyone and they treat you like dirt, but because you said vows 20yrs ago you have to just put up and shut up?! Nobody's saying throw away your marriage, but why do you have to roll over and take this crap? I don't get it. He isn't respecting HIS vows at all, by treating his wife like a skivvy. And I'm sorry but 40k after 20 odd years in the forces I'd be asking why he makes so little! Cheeky git. OP your whole way of thinking needs to be rewired if you think that you saying nothing, you cleaning the whole house, and him going to the shops just once is some kind of victory.

Oh my god..he went shopping?

Well that forgives everything.

You want to be careful. He's inadvertently given you a real insight into how he views you, deep down. I bet he didn't always see you like that.

It can be a middle age thing, it can be a being a twat thing, but I've seen it before and it precluded the 'She doesn't understand me' cliche.