Have an opinion when you earn 40k a year!

[cluckyhen]

So DD drove me mad this morning by opening 'new' milk instead of 'old' milk after already doing my head in by snapping at me and I was having a bit of a grumble under my breath about it when OH decided he was going to wade in with his opinion.

Short version of the story that still has me fuming some 6 hours and one spotless house later is he turned round and said that when I go out and earn 40k a year I can have an opinion.

Pardon? I've raised 2 children, numerous pets, followed him here, there and everywhere, moved house 13 times, done school runs, hospital trips, specialist meetings, wiped noses, arses, breaks and bleeds. Quit jobs at short notice, driven different continents and ensured that everything is done in the house whether he is with us or away and I am suddenly not allowed an opinion. I'm so angry that he has said this.

AIBU in wanting to bury him at the bottom of the garden? I've already had a sniffle as this has really got to me but am now getting ready to go out to my other job - the one that I took on as he will be working away for a year and I do need some kind of interaction with people other than grunting teenagers!

Hmm, this is very familiar to me. I know multiple men who seem to see a wife and family as an enforced extra that left to themselves they'd be perfectly happy without. They see themselves as doing the hard work for a load of hangers on that they were kind of coerced into having in their lives, usually by the grabby DW/DP. The "well you keep support and keep his life running" argument doesn't really wash with them because they've convinced themselves (ably assisted by society in general) that this wasn't ever really part of the plan and you need them far more than the need you as they'd much prefer to be single and fancy free. All this is of course bullshit but I don't know many men that don't think that way even if only occasionally.

I would be leaving him and 40k in London is not much so I would tell him to shove that up his arse!

Sounds like his contribution hasn't been stellar anyway. £40k isn't much considering the enormous disruption to his and his family's lives. What a tit.

I don't think I could forgive my DH for that comment. It's really bad.

If he's been in the Forces since you've been together, it would seem strange that he suddenly chose now to be a complete arse. Did something shit happen to him while he was away this time?

Course if he's always been like that, you could have saved yourself the hassle and got rid years ago.

I earn considerably more than your DH, so according to that, my opinion counts more. And my opinion is that he's a twat and unless he comes home apologising and grovelling, I will help to bury him under the patio.

Google to find out what local childminders, taxi services, cleaning services, PAs etc earn, work out how many hours you've spent on each, present him with an itemised invoice. Seriously!

What in the actual FUCK?!

He is a first rate twat - I'd tell him he could have an opinion when he has done all the things you mention in your OP. Especially like the idea of costing it out.

I'm having my patio redone - i'll bury him under it if you like, no charge

he only got back on Friday and did nothing but grumble

Back from where?

@elledubloo - I didn't think you were blaming anyone.

I have always worked during our marriage but have also been the old fashioned 'good housewife'. @fatdogs I haven't thrown it away as a flippant comment. What has been said can not be taken back but making light hearted jokes about doing away with him is a way to ease a little bit of the hurt and help me evaluate the sheer stink of what he said. I'm not one to throw something away after 2 decades from one comment - but then I am not one to show how hurt I have been either before I've got my head around it without causing a major argument. For some reason this just really got my wick!

ps. to those asking. DD & DS were both out at work when this was said.

I would tell him you'll be suing him for the £40k a year loss of earnings when you divorce him!

That's a shitty thing to say - I hope you told him so

I've been married nearly three decades and if DH suddenly said something to illustrate clearly that he thought he was so superior to me that my opinion didn't matter then too fucking right I would be pondering 'throwing it away'

I think the references here to 'how much the OP is saving him by NOT working outside the home' miss the point by a mile.

It's not about how much she isn't earning or the cost of childcare and cleaners.

It's about how he thinks he has the right to make decisions and not be criticised by someone who is in his eyes doing something 'lowly'. Maybe this is a 'forces' attitude -'know your place'.

Nothing to do with actual earnings. All to do with power.

I'm not defending him but I do know that when men who work away come home, they find it very hard to adjust when the wife has done everything in their absence. They feel de-masculated sometimes. If he's in the forces and wields some authority, he's likely to be like this at home.

OP I think you need a serious chat and if this is longstanding behaviour, some counselling for you or both of you.

For me my reaction would depend on whether he said it in a reactionary way or whether he meant it. Can you tell?

My DH has occasionally said a few twattish things over the years (along the same lines as yours but less direct) I really make him pay for it, and he must really regret having said them for the grief he gets after (sometimes for days) and the extra domestic stuff he has to do.

However I don't think he actually means it, if he really held that view fundamentally (rather than just reacting with hurtful words which e can all do) I would ltb.

**

If my DH said this to me I would be absolutely furious

I'm appalled on your behalf OP. I'm also pretty handy with a shovel

My SIL's base salary is 8 times that of your DH's. Tell him to wind his neck in cos a lot of people earn a whole lot more money than he does. Cheeky fecker.

OP YADNBU!

What a thing to say. I grew up in a forces family and the job the forces' spouses do is phenomenal.

Also, FWIW, I earn about 4 or 5 times more than my DH but it would never even occur to me to think that way about him. We are a family so everything is a joint achievement / decision etc. I can earn what I do because he does what he does and the validity of our opinions would never be determined by earnings.

Obviously I reserve the right not to listen to him on the grounds of his appalling taste re interior decor but that's a different thread.

Please OP, don't think for one minute that his comment was at all okay. There may well be other things going on with him in terms of esteem or traumatic experiences while he was away but that doesn't mean what he said is fair, right or in anyway acceptable.

for being a super mum and wife

And to get over his twattish comment.

NB my DH's job involves much spade use so pls shout if you need help digging that hole

What a twat. Feel free to let him know that I, a mere woman, earn a multiple of 40k and still manage to use the old milk before the new without making disparaging sexist remarks.

PS ask him whether he'd be happy for his mates to hear him talking to you like that down the mess

😱😱😱 hugs op

I think I'd have commented that when he's a full time parent, he can have an opinion

Go on strike!!!! Leave him with the grunting teens (I have teens and a twat sorry a grown man who is pretty much a grumpier teenager).

When he moans, tell him he can have an opinion when he shows some damn right respect

Has he apologised? If he regrets what he said then he should be falling over himself to make it up to you