To think I've messed up badly?

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know .

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

DD isn't feel well today, keeps coughing and when I looked in her mouth her throats red. She had half a slice of toast for breakfast, I offered her some soup at lunchtime but she wasn't interested didn't even come to the table to look at it.

It's her tea time usually I'd do a hot meal but she just didn't seem bothered when I asked if she was hungry. So I just gave her a sandwich with ham and ketchup on, 4 grapes chopped up, a banana and few cubes of cheese. She seems happy enough with a picnic tea and is eating in front of Peppa Pig, and I know the occasion cold meal instead of hot won't hurt her but I feel strangely guilty.

Picnic tea was my kids' favourite for years, don't worry about it :) they called it "cold things" :o got lots more variety into them that way too

Well it's all come to ahead with my mum tonight.

I told her the comment about me needing to grow up because this is my life now hurtful and she told me that that's how she feels and that I obviously need her to much. She said she thinks I must have done something to push ex away like I apparently do everyone she's talking about the fact I cut my dad out of my life, she doesn't agree with it and thinks it's unfair that he's missed out on "so much" and she can't cope with me anymore. I ended up hanging up on her but my DBro has sent me a ranty message basically calling me a bad parent he's childless remember and saying that my DMs upset with me and he could understand if she never spoke to me again.

So someone else to cross off the Christmas list by the looks of things what the hell did I even do? I suspect she's back with my dad and I told her that if that ever happened I'd never speak to her again. there's a huge back story but basically my dad allowed someone in his family to abuse me physically and emotionally and denied that he did and when that abuse turned more sinister he provided an alibi along with another family member. His family then turned on me calling me a liar and hurling abuse at me in the street, they've even reported me to Social Services on 6 different occasions because I dared to let my SIL, who was 17 at the time, look after my DD then 6 months for an hour or so MIL was next door at her parents should SIL have needed her but his family didn't know that. They also refuse to spell DDs name correctly (it's an uncommon spelling of a perfectly normal name), and weren't happy that I gave her Exhs surname from the start even though we didn't get married until she was 10 months old. So I don't want him or his family anywhere near me or my DD.

Who needs parents anyway? I'm doing just fine.

Decided to do the weekly shop today instead of yesterday. Took DD to Nursery. Saw one of DDs friends from Nursery, this is the mum who said DD is too well behaved to be SN was a thread on chat a few weeks ago now anyway DD and her friend decided to hold hands and walk round the shop together. They shared a pack of sweets her friends mum gave her. Got chatting to the mum and she's also a single mum, her partner left while she was pregnant as he didn't want children. She works full time and puts her daughter in the Nursery 3 out of 5 days - her sister has her on a Monday and Friday so her Childcare costs are cheaper. We swapped numbers and also Facebook names so have added each other, she wants to meet up in a few weeks when Nursery closes for a few days it closes for 2 days before the start of every term so staff can change boards and set up pegs for any new starters etc and have a playdate. Can't wait!

*should say "took DD to Aldi" no idea why it auto-corrected to Nursery

You're going to be just fine, Peppa.

That's good, the more support you have around you the less you need your family

I can't really help u too much!
However, looking at your finances I am thinking you could get your water down. Phone watee and ask about big difference scheme. I now pay £3.74 per month.
Its worth a try.

You have not messed up at all OP, you're just going through a tough time

Apologies if it's been said but your nursery are breaking the rules re. NEF funding if they are insisting you pay for extra hours, please see below for your rights on how 2year funding should be provided to you. If the nursery insist on extra hours please contact your local authority.

*You have the choice to only take the free entitlement of hours if that is all you require. Your child can take a packed lunch if you do not wish to purchase a meal from your childcare provider. If you claim the childcare element of working tax credit, you must tell HM Revenue and Customs that you are using our free provision. It is the provider's job to claim the funding for these free hours. It will be paid directly to the provider once your child is registered with them. Providers work on a first-come, first-served places so contact your preferred provider and book a place before you want your child to attend.

What you can expect from your childcare provider
Childcare providers can set which sessions or days are available for free childcare places. Childcare providers can charge a different rate for extra hours in addition to the free funded hours, but they must ensure parents are made aware of this before accepting. Childcare providers cannot attach any special conditions on children accessing their free places, for example, make you take all your funded entitlement with them or insist that you pay for extra sessions or lunches to access your free place.*

I hope you get things sorted. You could also apply for Healthy Start Vouchers to help with the cost of milk, fruit and veg:
www.healthystart.nhs.uk/healthy-start-vouchers/do-i-qualify/

Apologies, just caught up - should have RTFT!
But still, please don't feel like the nursery are doing you a favour, it is your right to not pay any additional costs, inc lunch but I do understand the benefit of enjoying a hot lunch with her peers.

You are doing just fine OP, hang in there

Op I am north Midlands, depending on where you are we had dd in a brilliant preschool and I know they are offering the full 30 hours without stupid restrictions like your nursery. Feel free to pm me!

Good news - getting to a point where you can swap play dates is in everyone's interests

I don't want to change her Nursery, not now we've sorted the funding out. And she's received her little uniform my GPs bought her, she was super proud wearing it today kept pointing at the Nursery logo on the polo and smiling and when asked by someone "Do you go to X Nursery?" and DD would say "Yea" too cute.

User As i have said at least twice now I called my water company and was overpaying. They gave me a £100 refund which is sitting in my bank ready for next week when I'm taking DD to get new shoes.

It's not all doom and gloom.

Ex-FIL took me and DD to her hospital appointment this afternoon. It was for her squint, which is the least worrying of all her conditions.

Her eyesight has improved in both eyes, they were only +2 in each eye before but in 8 months they've gone to +1 in her right eye and +1.25 in her left eye which is the squinted eye. Her squint is swapping eyes still and they don't think the angle is any worse, they can't say if it's got better as DDs 2 years old so thinks everything is a game and ran off after awhile! But it's not got worse which is what matters most.

So one less thing to worry about. Was worried she'd need glasses, just like both Exh and I.

You have NOT messed up. You're having a rotten time. Speak to your support network - your family and friends. Ask for help. P.S. your Ex is a dick. I hope karma is served sooner rather than later.

Feeling really really awful today. Been to the doctors this morning and she's put me on antidepressants.

I broke down and got a bit ranty with her saying how life isn't fair.

Well it isn't is it?

Exh gets to walk away from her scott free with not a penny insight. No-one can force him to pay because he's not "working" - well not enforceably and because he refuses to claim benefits I can't get a penny out of him. He must be laughing himself to the bank, still living rent free with his friend and here I am reaching the end of the month scraping together £1 so my daughter can take part in a charity event at Nursery - they've all dressed as pirates today for some reason, and I'd hate DD to be the only child who can't take part or go to the wooden pirate ship thing the local council has set up at the local park 50p of the pound pays for fuel in the mini bus, if all 20 children go they take both nursery mini buses. And I've seen the photos on the Nursery Facebook page, she's have a ball.

I hate that DD has so many problems. She's so happy an smiley and I'd love for her to be like her friends. Her speech is regressing again and her report from audiology arrived this morning - they think she can hear and passed the test in a quiet room but say it's like hearing through ear plugs constantly for her, so it's no wonder she's delayed if she can't quite hear everything being said. I had the report sent to Exh c/o of his friends parents. No reaction from them but I'd have loved to be a fly on the wall as the start of the report lists all her diagnosis and then list suspected diagnosis, then any other referrals she has in with a description of why next to it. Probably a bit petty, but I'm feeling petty atm, it's really not fair.

At least DD has stopped asking for him now - unless the Nursery have stopped telling me she's asking for him. It's her it hurts the most for. I don't care if he wants to be separated for, if my marriage is 100% over (it definitely is no matter what now) but I just wish he'd accept some responsibility for his daughter.

After an awful week. See Here

DD now has chicken pox. I am exhausted.

She's not actually ill with it, just spotty, has a bit of a cough and is getting tired quickly. So she's overexcited and bouncing off the walls for awhile then crashing out and sleeping, but she only wants to sleep either on me or in my bed with me next to her. Not getting a break right now.

Any tips on how to get through it? I did an online shop yesterday but don't have the money for lucozade or anything. Nursery have said the spots need to be scabbed over before she can go back, and the Nurse at the doctors said that could be 7-10 days, I'm only on day 1 and can't cope help me!

DD was scabbed in 5 days. TV - how to get through it? TV!. It was an awful 5 days trapped in the house with a grumpy and uncomfortable toddler last Christmas for us.

At least she's got the pox nice and early - worse to get later. You will get through it, and this is the main illness everyone dreads as it takes so long to recover - once you're done with this you can cross this off the list of worries.

Pretent she's had it before, they;re hoping this time builds her resistance up. Last time she was only 12 weeks old, and I could ride it out by cluster feeding.

she had it at 12 weeks? You've really not had any luck have you? Sounds awful. I don't know what to suggest except we're listening - it will pass like all bad moments although at the time it feels awful.

btw - i do think you worry too much what other people think - i worry a lot less with the second one if my dd's eating a cake in her buggy whilst being nearly 3 years old! If anyone is judging they don't have full facts and are wallies.

does your DD like music? my toddler likes wobbling her shoulders to music and being swung around - it helps cheer us up.

Also, have you got winnie the pooh? the 1977 one 'The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh' - my 2 year old loves it and has watched it 6 times on repeat in the last couple of weeks and now does a good pooh bear impression.

I don't know if any of your kind rellies could dig out a DVD copy for you?

Not got Winnie the Pooh, she's not bothered by TV really unless it's Peppa Pig might be due to her hearing.

Same with music, again probably due to her hearing.

She's asleep again atm, on me of course.

Luck wise Pretent nope not had much, she was constantly ill for the first 18 months of her life, and was in hospital for a week at 16 months with a chest infection.

But we plough on, although today I am tempted to let DD have one of the Peppa Pig activity books I've stashed for Christmas

Sorry peppa, that was dim of me! Hopefully someone with better ideas will come along soon!

Pretent It's absolutely fine, just because DDs issues and conditions take up every second of my thinking, doesn't mean I expect it to take up everyone elses!

Really do feel like I've messed up badly.

Being in the house is making my anxiety really bad. I'm jumping at the slightest thing; the cat scratching her post, the letters coming through the door etc. Really need to get out the house but can't due to spotty child ugh.