To think I've messed up badly?

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know .

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

Your GPs are lovely. You are doing brilliantly.

Sounds like a brilliant day hope you took your brother up on his offer

Well done OP, you sound like a great mum and have an eagle-eye when it comes to your weekly finances.

DD clearly hates me today, so I decided not to stay at my mums for lunch today but did stay last night.

She cries if I ask her to do something nicely "Can you please take pick your socks up off the floor?" tears. She cries if I ask her if she wants a drink or some food. And we've just had a massive tantrum because I asked her if I could have her dummy so we can go out she still has a dummy at night time only usually flame me if you wish

She seems really tired despite sleeping 5.30pm-7.30am and having a nap in the car at 9am until we got home just before 10am. A second nap at her usual time of 12.15 until 2. And she's also now asleep watching Peppa.

Anyone know why she might be so tired? Please tel me she's not coming down with something else? She does go through periods where she is more or less constantly ill and we end up juggling everything round with appointments which I really can't be doing, next week sees the start of a month where she has 11 appointments in those 4 weeks. I'm not looking forward to it - GFIL is taking to 7, and I'm going to have to find the money for the bus for the remaining 4 .

Have you said roughly where you are based Op, maybe someone is local enough to offer you a lift on occasions?

Arggh she's started vomiting again how does one so small produce so much vomit?

Another night of cleaning up sick it is and no Nursery at least Tuesday the way she's going I reckon she'll be off Wednesday too.

Ah the poor wee pet must have bee brewing this when you posted your earlier post at 15.32 that's why she was off form......Well better out than in, but I wish you could catch a break somehow. It just seems one thing gets sorted and another comes behind it for you. Why don't you mention to your health visitor that someone you know works at the food bank and you are too embarrassed to go there in case the neighbour is not discreet about you being there. She might be able to collect things on your behalf. Give babs a hug and hopefully she stops being sick soon

DD has stopped vomiting, but is still really tired so a bit worried there's more to come. She's very jumpy too, if DCat moves DD jumps like she's scared.

She's tucked up on the sofa with her favourite blanket, the doll I got her for her 2nd birthday which appears to come everywhere with us like her blanket does, and Nick Jr. on. GPs popped over earlier and rung Sky for me, they think having the childrens channels plus more variety for me to watch whatever I want is good so they've changed the Direct Debit to their bank account for the next 6 months but shh don't tell me DM. I'm a bit GOT fan so really pleased I won't miss it plus exH will hate that I'm "managing" to have these sorts of things without him.

You will get 25% discount on Single occupancy with Council Tax and most likely to get Council Tax Benefit as well as HB. So please make sure you get back some of the money already paid. Another thing that is worth a bit of money is applying for a Warm Front Grant. This is done through your Electricity supplier and can be done online each year. That will give you £140 per year off your electricity bill.
Get your name down on the Council house waiting list asap if you aren't already.
His friends parents are going to pay for his food and everything? Sure they will soon begin to change their opinions on him when their bills go up because he is in the house all day, every day!
I'm not sure if they still do them but if they do I'm pretty sure you're entitled to milk vouchers for your daughter. Can be used towards milk (fresh or powder) and or fruit and veg.
Please do get yourself to CAB asap.
Might also be worth you going on a water meter, now it's just you and Dd, if you aren't already.

Sorry, thought I'd read all the posts but seems I missed about half!
Pleased you have made some progress getting help with some of your problems though!

Leas No problem with repeating yourself, you weren't to know!

DD has finally decided to eat something for the first time since breakfast yesterday. Oddly enough it was a bit of fish off my plate, hope that doesn't come back up later .

Thankfully she's pretty good when she's ill and tends to drink a lot of water so I'm not massively worried about her.

Just to say glad things are working out better for you. Well done. Take care.

Haven't read the whole thread but have you contacted child tax credits? Surely you will be entitled to something there? X

Leas I didn't say it earlier in the thread but I did contact my Utility company because I already get the Warm Front Grant. They'll automatically apply it to my account in November they've also changed my tariff so it should be slightly cheaper. Can't have the meters changed from Prepayment to Direct Debit as Housing Association won't give me permission to do so unfortunately.

Also called my water company today. Apparently I'm £170 in credit to them as my bill was reduced to £3.50 a week when I applied for some money saving scheme a few months ago but they "forgot" to let me know. So I'll be receiving a nice fat cheque for £100 in the post soon chose to leave £70 on my account in case i need to cancel the DD for whatever reason.

DD needs new shoes so I'm going to buy those with that money, due to her hip condition she needs to have a specific type - closed toe, flat, leather, with leather base - which can only be bought from a shoe shop. So I'll have to pop up to the next town on the bus with her. It's going to be full of kids isn't it? Suppose I can make a day of it and take her into the free soft play in the shopping centre and maybe walk her new shoes in round the big park - Ice cream and a picnic, sounds fun right?

Pib Unfortunately not, only the £64 child tax credits because DDs only on low rate DLA

Have you checked that's still the same now your partners moved out?

Pib Yes I rung them last week. We only got £20 a week child tax credits when H was here because he was working. £64 is the highest non DLA rate they give apparently.

I know it's not much but contact your electricity supplier and get an application for Warm Home discount. You will qualify for it as you're on Income support and have a child under 5 and it's £140 credited towards your winter electric bill..... if you have a PAYG meter it will normally be a voucher to credit the meter. Do it a.s.a.p as it's a first come first served scheme.

Just had the Social Worker here. We had a social worker due to the "complex situation" of DDs needs and STBEXHs medical condition. The Social Worker has always hated me.

I mean proper hates me, flat out refuses to speak to me in meetings hates me. I have no idea why, I've been nothing but polite to her as I am to all professionals involved in DDs care.

I've only seen her a few times since DDs diagnosis. She attends meetings where there's going to be a lot of other professional which are called Multi Disciplinary Meetings it's usually DDs nursery, the health visitor, the pediatric nurse who works with her pediatrician, the orthopedic nurses who work with the consultant for DDs hips, the social worker and me in these meetings. There's been 2 meetings since the diagnosis.

Apparently she's advising EXH to petition the courts for full custody of DD. She doesn't believe I can parent sufficiently without "help" and I apparently don't have help.

I asked what about EXHs outbursts, apparently because he's never hit me or hit DD or threatened too he's done nothing wrong and it shouldn't be labelled "domestic violence" and instead is just angry outbursts, which can't be used in court as "everyone gets angry occasionally"

She thinks EXH has a good chance of getting custody because my GP describes me as "an over anxious parent" because I took DD to the doctors 6 times between September and December last year. Two of those times DD was admitted to hospital from the surgery with a bad chest infection the first time and a chest infection, ear infection and UTI the second time. Two appointments were follow ups to her admissions. So that leaves twice that I took her unnecessarily. Both times were after her admissions, and she was showing signs and symptoms of needing to be admitted again so I took her. But apparently I should of "waited it out at home" all 6 times . Apparently the GPs letter will really help EXHs case.

Plus apparently I need "too much help to parent". Basically from what the SW was saying because I don't drive, so get lifts to appointments of EXHs family I'm seen as needing help. I thought they didn't care how she got to appointments as long as it was safely?

SW also said I have no family support. DM doesn't count apparently because her work are inflexible and so she works fulltime over 6 days and has no choice about it. GPs don't count because they're in their 80s, which leaves my brother who's away half the year at University. So according to SW unlike EXH I have "no-one".

So basically I'm going to lose my daughter. It doesn't matter that I do all the Nursery runs EXH has dropped her twice and picked her up maybe half a dozen times in 10 months, all the night time wakings he refuses to get up in the night, all the early mornings he wouldn't get up before 7.30am with her. I've been to every single hospital appointment she's ever had (EXH has been to less than a handful), I've organised how to get there how long it's going to take etc. I've had meetings with the nursery and organised every single one. I took her to her 9 month check and her 2 year check. I took her to be weighed monthly until she was a year old and 3 monthly since she turned 1. I did all the baby groups, and toddler groups. I've chosen both her 1st and 2nd birthday presents, all her Christmas presents, and I can tell you they've all been a hit, she loves her doll which was her main present for her 2nd birthday, she carries her round with her, pretends to feed her, rocks her, tucks her into bed at night.

I know I'm not perfect, heck I think I'm the worst mother on the planet but I do love my DD, I do want the best for DD.

Apparently none of that matters because EXH has help and support and now he's not working either. According to SW I put too much pressure on him and never gave him a chance to be a proper parent. Apparently I should take DD to EXH asap and hope he's reasonable. SW reckons in court I'd get monthly access but EXH might be fair and let me have EOW.

There's nothing I can do. No letter can be written in my defense as they've already spoken to the Health Visitor and Nursery who have given me their support but "they don't have much say really it's up to me" as in it's the Social Workers decision.

I'm shocked, and can't believe what I'm hearing. Just have to hope EXH doesn't go to court, or that the courts have far more sense. I can't believe this woman hates me so much, and can't understand why?

Feel like giving up now, it's not like it makes much difference if I'm gonna loose her anyway

I'm sat here crying watching her play and wondering how long I have left with my girl. She's so beautiful; big brown eyes, curly honey brown hair, button nose, and a cheeky grin that seems to win everyone over who ever meets her which the social worker hasn't [hmm. I've no idea where her beauty comes from because it definitely isn't me. A friend of mine made me a pandora bracelet charm I know they're hated on here but I love mine with DDs handprint and name on it, it's so beautiful and I love wearing it .

I'm beginning to learn, life really isn't fair

It's not the social worker's decision.

If your ex goes to court, it would be the court's decision!

The social worker could make a recommendation, but that would not be the only thing taken into account. The social worker is just trying to undermine you. Don't let her.

Surely that is assuming he wants full-time custody? My guess is he wants the house and/or does not want to pay child support and this is the threat he (like others before him) is using to scare you.
Also what is his support network? Did you not say he cannot even bend down to her level? Does this support network mean he will never have to be alone with her? He will not see this through, he left being in a (ostensibly) 50/50 caring situation, how on earth would he suddenly be able to care for her 100%? Sending you hugs, this is just another obstacle that you will take in your stride as you have the others. (Also strength!)

Sorry what I said was irrelevant, the social worker is not your husband. He would never go for custody (except for the scenarios mentioned - as a ploy) The last thing a selfish manchild wants is to care for a 2 year old who needs extra attention!

PeppaPigObsession Sat 08-Jul-17 10:09:15
LIZS Thankfully my PILs gave us the money to pay the council tax at the beginning of April so that's paid until next year

I'd contact the council and tell them about the change in circumstances and ask for the CT to be recalculated with your single person discount and disabled child discount - it might even end up free - and you should get a rebate.

The council are quick to amend your bill and send an invoice if circumstances change in their favour - plus they backdate then too - so do the same.

Are you getting the warm home discount from your electric supplier?

Eliza Already contacted the council, they don't do in year tax rebates so I've got to wait until next march to get the money back.

13 yes they automatically apply the warmer homes discount in either October or November, as I've received in the past.