To think I've messed up badly?

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know .

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

Feeling super proud today

Was at the park with DD, and she got playing with a little boy who I've never seen before. His mum gave him some sweets and told him to share with his "new friend" and DD replied "tan" everytime he gave her a sweet, she's trying to say "thanks" was super cute

Also got chatting to the mum, and she suggested we have a playdate soon. The boys a bit older than DD, he was 2 in April, but it'll be good to make new friends too I think.

Peppa I just read your thread. You and your DD sound lovely. You sound like a fab Mum, DD is lucky to have you. I hope that things continue to get better. I'm so glad you've got your friends for support. Don't feel like you need to parent without any 'help'. I'd go mad without my friends, calling up for a last minute pickup, playdate or just general moan!

I've got a lady from Social Services coming tomorrow to chat to me about all things money, apparently she's not a Social Worker and wants to help. She's also good at helping people find work. She sounded really nice when I spoke to her on the phone last week and I was really excited I'd love to work if I could, as not only would it help my financial situation it'd be something for me away from DD. Also think it'd look good if Exh does take me to court for custody.

Now I feel like I'm making excuses as to why I can't work "DD needs me to be able to pick her up at short notice if she falls" is all I keep thinking in my head. I know the woman said she has a few WFH opportunities on her books which she'll look at with me but I don't want an MLM or Pyramid type scheme job and I just don't know what else she can offer.

Probably being stupid. I've spent an hour and a half tidying my living room today, will change the cat litter before she comes over in the morning. I've even descaled the kettle possibly a little odd but hey.

Hand me a grip, and tell me it'll be ok MN?

It will be ok Peppa! Have been lurking here for a while and I think you're doing a great job in challenging circumstances If she's from the council and wants to help then I'd be surprised (and would complain) if she turned out to be pushing an mlm or suchlike. Just listen to her advice- you don't need to act on it straightaway. Whatever she suggests you can have some thinking time to look over it and consider your options, and think about how it might fit in with your responsibilities to your lovely sounding DD 🙂

Well it went ok.

The lady was from something called Local Support Team. She explained she works with families to improve their lives and she can refer to other places and charities etc if needs be.

She looked through my budget, my benefits and my very old CV. She said it looks like I'm getting all the money I can be from the government for benefits and my budget is tight but can't really be improved easily - she said to thank you all for the help and advise, and told me I was sensible to post and then act on it.

She's improved my CV and has given me a few WFH agencies to apply for, while I think about what kind of work I want to do. I did start teacher training in my final year of University but due to circumstances that aren't really relevant to this thread had to drop the ITT and just do a normal degree. My experience with children and the fact I have a child with extra needs will stand me in good stead. I'd loved working in the SEN department of one school, so you never know I might actually have found my calling.

She also told me that DDs Social Worker is known to be a bit rude to people for no reason. Apparently she takes a lot of winning round and parents who have listened to her advise i.e. let the other parent have full custody as they believed they couldn't parent properly to actually win in court. She told me to keep doing what I'm doing, by being the parent "holding the fort" as it is, doing the day to day stuff it's unlikely my Exh would win. She said that it's ok to "need help" when a child has extra needs and as long as that is appropriate to the child then it's ok to use it, so the fact that she goes to Nursery 3 days a week and sees ex-PILs every other weekend when they don't bugger off to scotland without telling me is fine. She said I'm doing a good job and she'd read the statements from both the health visitor and the Nursery about my parenting and they both apparently sing my praises saying how happy DD is and how well behaved. And apparently when asked "off record" their opinion of where DD should be the General Manager at Nursery said she feels DD is better placed with me in an environment she knows with the constant help and support from the Nursery than with Exh who they felt would deliberately ignore her routine. So it's all looking ok, I might actually be ok!

DDs doing an extra day in Nursery over the holidays as the fundings come through and they can pay for her to be in 4 days a week but I don't want her to be in 4 days because I feel it's too much, but while it's quieter in the holidays they want to do some extra work with her so for the next 3 weeks she's doing 4 days, and then I'm going to use the extra day if I need it i.e. I've had an awful weekend with her and need a rest on a Monday or if I need to book an appointment for myself on one of her non Nursery days she can go. So tomorrow I'm going to spend the day chilling out as it's an extra unexpected day to myself! Yay!

Oh I'm in tears.

The neighbour of mine that volunteers at the foodbank had just knocked on the door. Apologized for it being so late but said she'd heard "through the grapevine" DDs health visitor no doubt that I was having a tough time since Exh left.

I told her about the FB referral and why I hadn't gone down. She said she'd never judge me, and as a single parent herself I didn't know that she knows how tough life can be sometimes, that's why she volunteers because she's nearly had to use one herself. We chatted for ages, and she's offered to have DD if I ever need it. She's not living in the bungalows but a house opposite layout of the street is odd but told me to knock on if I need anything, even if it's something stupid like I've run out of teabags. She had her son with her, who was so polite as well. I couldn't believe it, he's 10 and never once complained or anything, although that may be because I gave him my wifi code and he sat on his DS and Ipad for the entire time his mum and I were talking.

Neighbour is really lovely, I wasn't expecting it. I have someone else on my side!

She's offered me a swap childcare type arrangement if I want it. i.e one day a week she has DD then another day a week I have her son. Apparently he's really easy to look after, he's happy with a box of lego, a jug of orange squash and a lunch box which she'd send him with. So I might think about that.

Everythings going ok today, it seems.

Hi op, I've not read the whole thread so ignore me if it's irrelevant it your when is your dd 3? It's really important if she's not free by the 31st august then is wont get the 15 hours funding till January, as it's starts the term after her 3rd birthday.

If she's is still 2 you can and most likely will be entitled FEET finding, your nursery really should have suggested this to you already.

Stella She turned 2 in June just gone. She gets the Think 2 funding from September which is 15 hours but they've also found a further 25 hours funding from a special grant for children who don't quite make the threshold for middle rate DLA/Early Years Pupil Premium so she's keeping her nursery place.

Aww brilliant I'm really pleased for you both, glad she could keep her nursery place

If you get income support, you get free dentist, free opticians and free PRESCRIPTIONS for YOU, not just your child.

Peppa I've been following your post for awhile and just want to say that you're doing an amazing job!
Hopefully you will be able to get a job as a teacher, especially given your background! X

Peppa - I've just read your thread for the first time too. I just wanted to say that you sound amazing - intelligent, funny, grounded. I have no doubt that you will get through this tough time and build a great future for you and your DD.

I'm really sorry, I haven't had chance to read everything but I saw that you'd like to learn to drive and wanted to ask if you'd considered applying to the family fund for driving lessons? I know your DD isn't eligible for mobility component yet, but if you can do your driving lessons now, you'll be able to get yourself some transport as soon as she qualifies.

It was a long time ago now, but because my son is profoundly disabled and I was having to get the bus daily from hospital/home with him and medical equipment, Family Fund paid for me to take driving lessons and for my test.

Dragon I will definitely look into that thank you, I'd love to be able to drive. Even if I can't afford a car being able to drive will mean I can borrow a car off my brother/grandparents/friends etc. So i can get DD to her appointments.

I just wanted to add to the other posters saying what an amazing mum you are, Peppa.

Your DD is very lucky to have you!

You're amazing. Truly. And when all this is over, and one day soon it will be, you will be able to manage anything at all without breaking a sweat.

DD went into Nursery without even a backwards glance, didn't seem remotely confused by the fact it's Thursday and she doesn't usually go to Nursery on a Thursday.

It did help that her keyworker answered the door, and two of the three children she usually plays with where there; one of them is fulltime but the other two are only there 2 of her 3 days different days each so on all 3 of her days she has 2 children in she plays with so we'll see how she gets on because if she prefers Thursday when all her friends are in I'll look at moving her days around a bit (nursery are flexible and happy to go with her needs).

Thirdly, she didn't sleep last night as her favourite elephant toy got left at Nursery yesterday. I was frantic looking for him (it's definitely a boy) last night thinking she'd dropped him on the way home, spent a sleepless night with her crying for her "baby" all her toys are her "babies" and me worrying that this was my life now. But he turned up, I asked at Nursery and the Room Manager bought him out from the dolls bed, apparently DD had tucked him up there yesterday and "forgot" him in the madness that is pickup time, but he stayed safe and warm with the nursery dollies, and DD was very happy to see him this morning.

Officially the worst mum in existence!

Feeling a bit sad.

DD is now the only child in her room not potty training/trained. Nursery haven't directly mentioned it too me but it's obvious from seeing the children and talking to the parents. Nursery are 100% supportive of the fact that she is nowhere near ready for potty training but I just feel sad, it's yet another milestone we have to delay.

Hi

I haven't read all of this thread but it sounds like you're doing amazingly well. i just wanted to say your little one isn't behind at all with the potty training if I'm right and she's just turned 2...I work in a Nursery and lots of our 3-4 year olds are still not trained but work it out before heading to reception including most of those with a delay so try not to worry. I know it's hard....

Gawd my dd is 2 yrs 10 mos and she likes to play sitting on the potty but that's as far as it's gotten so far. Nursery haven't said a word. my hv advised not to push potty training as her language is slightly lagging as can get them v distressed. I'm sure they'll get there!

Dmango thank you, when I mentioned to Nursery awhile ago we needed to delay potty training due to her speech and other issues they didn't seem phased so I know it's not a problem if she's still not trained this time next year. She's 2.1 but developmentally about 20 months old.

ZooLane love the name I know it's not a huge issue it was just a bit upsetting seeing all the other children. DD of course doesn't even know she's different to her friends!

Funny, I've got many friends whose children all potty trained at 3-4 and accidents not uncommon until 5. I don't think we knew anyone that potty trained at 2 - my pfb did it in 2 weeks at age 2.5 and she was the fastest I knew.

ZooLane It seems common to potty train where I am just after a childs 2nd birthday, a few do push it and do it at 18 months old which I think is way too young. The Preschool Rooms in most of the private nurseries round here don't have nappy changing rooms as they potty train in the Toddler Rooms.

Like I said I'm not overly worried she's not ready yet, just a bit sad, and worrying a bit about if all her friends train and move to the preschool room will she still enjoy nursery