To think I've messed up badly?

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know .

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

I wonder if there is another board on here where you could put your concerns about the social worker, and what she has said?

I'd also talk to your DD's nursery, perhaps they have some experience with this kind of thing.

I'm really struggling to understand how a person could think that a man who walked out in his family, who has been disowned by his own parents, could consider him fit to parent on his own. I also strongly doubt that any court would agree. And finally, I really can't believe that he would want that either.

Go and see a solicitor for advice. There is no way that a social worker will be making that decision alone, if he goes for full custody it will be a judge who decides and will see he has done didly squat.

Legal aid is still available for some types of family law, and you would probably be eligible going on your previous posts. Even if you're not eligible you can still have half an hour's free advice.

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/legal-aid-for-family-law-matters/

I read earlier in your other thread that he wanted you to leave your house that he isn't on the tenancy for. If that's still disputed and he's being ridiculous then that is something you will definitely get legal aid for as they haven't cut housing yet.

Go and find a solicitor and have a free half an hour's advice appointment and go from there. All is not lost

Your ex is a shit to just walk away like that. If he ever starts working in the future, he'll have to start paying. The only things i can think of to cut would be your grocery bill as its quite expensive. Also, I'm not sure why you need childcare if you're at home, so I wouldn't pay for a nursery. Could you get a part time job, even something like taking in ironing and doing it from home?

Sorry to hear about your problems h rft yet but councils have a discretionary buget for housing benefit top ups you can apply for this sorry don't know what else to say

PhD Exh is a joint tenant on the bungalow we have. He needs to sign a form with the housing association to say he doesn't want to be named on the Tenancy anymore, the form also means he would have no claim to the house. He of course won't sign it because he wants the house.

Harsh Yes I am not working. DD was originally put into Nursery so that I could look for work, but then her issues started becoming apparent and with Exhs shifts at work I couldn't get a job. I'm not paying for her to be there except meals which costs £10 a week and my granddad pays that. Taking her out could make her problems worse, plus will take away a massive support for her as they do things with her I just physically can't afford.

I've spoken to my friend from university who's a family lawyer and she says I need to be careful because the Social Worker will have a big say in what happens to DD, so if it does go to court with the SWs backing theres a good chance Exh will win [anger]. I wouldn't put it past PILs to change sides to Exhs if they think they'll see DD more, and I can see him winning and MIL basically taking over parenting her while Exh lives in the house by himself .

General Manager at Nursery has said they're not allowed to take sides, they've given a statement about their opinions on both mine and Exhs parenting, and how DD is behaviour wise at Nursery, but they have to stay impartial for DDs sake.

Health Visitor has said, off record, that the situation is awful and she hopes if Exh goes to court he doesn't get custody, but that all the evidence will probably mean he wins. She can't help either as again she has to be impartial for DDs sake.

I'm going to do my best to fight it. The letter from my GP is from my named GP so I'm going to book in to a different GP in the surgery who I like and get along well with and see what she suggests to start with.

Not heard whether Exh is going to court but my friend said it could be 4 weeks before I get the letter.

Its hard to know what to say regarding nursery as different local authorities have different rules but I'd recommend looking at school based nurseries as they usually have slightly more flexibility.

I really feel for you OP and hope some of the suggestions here are a help

Sorry I missed the last page.

How can a SW be involved without observing a child at home??!!!

Rooting for you Peppa (no pun intended).

After today Exh can bloody have my life if he thinks it's all sitting around in a big house while DD is taken care of at Nursery. I'd love to see him cope:

Dropped DD at Nursery. And not had a moments peace since 8.30. Health Visitor called just to see if I was ok. Put the phone down, and the pediatrician rung less than 2 minutes later.

He was moaning because he had a list of DDs appointments in front of him and he was getting into a bit of state because as well as her regular physio and hydrotherapy sessions which nursery accommodate, she has 6 other appointments in the next 3 weeks; a hearing test, an eye test, a hip xray then a seperate follow up appointment with her consultant, an appointment with the respiratory team and then an appointment with him (the pediatrician). He just couldn't see how i could fit it all in alongside her normal nursery days and having a normal social life outside of that tell me about it mate, I've been wondering how me or DD are expected to have friends for awhile now he got quite annoyed when I had no solution and told me he'd "sort it" because it's not fair for DD to basically miss out on a day of Nursery for appointments.

Finally got what felt like 10 minutes to myself at 10am. Decided as I'd walked to Nursery and back in the rain I'd have a bath. Of course as soon as I'd stepped into the bath the front door bell went. Bloody postman with a load of parcels for the entire street or so it felt they all put for them to come to me, because I'm a mug clearly

Get in my bath and the phone rings again . Nursery this time, DDs had a fall and is struggling to walk. So get dressed, trek out in the rain to collect her. Take her to the Nurse at the doctors, thankfully they think she's fine and just landed funny.

So it's not even lunchtime, I've not eaten yet, I'm a mess because I've been in the rain and have just needlessly collected DD from nursery.

Decide I'm going to try and salvage the afternoon so drop her back off when it's stopped raining, get home. Cat is sick everywhere.

Cat and sick cleaned, I've finally had a sandwich and the phone bloody rings again . This time it's the central booking centre for the local hospitals and clinics, the woman on the phone is trying to rearrange some of DDs appointments on the pediatricians request.

After a half hour trying to fit everything in around other commitments my own appointment with my GP, a Nursery meeting, a meeting with homestart who've finally found a volunteer for us and a meeting with the SW including the things that are time sensitive so need follow up within a few days like her hips as she's growing so fast her hips can change negatively in a few weeks so they need to pick up problems within a few days, and the tests that need to be done at particular times of day i.e. her eye test needs to be done in the afternoon after she's been in Nursery as the Nursery give her the drops before we leave to go to the clinic the tests conducted in so that she's not sat in a clinic/hospital waiting room needlessly as they feel it negatively affects her development. We decide it's easier to leave everything as it is and have a busy few weeks than try moving everything and possibly miss something or have to repeat things like xrays because we've missed the follow up time.

So now I have to call the pediatricians secretary and tell her that none of the appointments are changing and DD and I are just going to have no social life and DD won't be in Nursery on any day she's supposed to be for a few weeks, we'll cope, we always do!

Had an hours peace then headed out in the rain to get DD for a second time.

Had a 10 minute stand off in the car park with my 2 year old because she refused to get in her pushchair, didn't want to walk and didn't want to be carried . In the end the manager and I fought her into the pushchair.

Walked to the supermarket with her screaming all the way there, I did try and calm her but she was having non of it so feeling like the worst mum in the world and getting funny looks all the way there because she just kept screaming "Help" which of course has to be one of the only 15 or so words she knows doesn't it?

Let her chose a banana at supermarket. Paid for it at self service for her to have on the way round, opened it, banana was rotten all the way through, so went to complain at Customer Service, they opened all the other non-packaged bananas and they were all rotten . They refunded me bloody 10p going back on my card, what must the bank think? but of course this happened to be the one time she decides to throw a tantrum, over a banana, really?

So strap a screaming DD into her pushchair and finish my shopping as quick as I can.

Bag snaps clean round the top and drops my shopping in the middle of the road coming home.

And all I can do is cry! I think it was because that was the last of my money until the Tax Credits go in next Friday, and half my stuff was ruined I just lost it. DD will be ok, Nursery will feed her, but I got her fruit and stuff with the vouchers the HV gave me, and while I know if I go to my granddad and tell him what had happened he'd happily replace it all and more, but I want to be self sufficient, otherwise I'm just proving the Social Worker right that I can't parent without help.

Drag myself, a now very tired DD and what survived of the shopping home, and the cat isn't pleased to see me. The bugger She'd decided to kick all the litter out of her tray as soon as I set foot through the door because I hadn't fed her that moment.

All is calm now. Couldn't be bothered battling DD into her pyjamas so let her fall asleep in the vest she had on under her clothes at Nursery in front of In The Night Garden with a bottle of chocolate milkbecause the 4 pint of milk burst when it fell and I just couldn't be bothered to trek back to the shop for another so had to mix the bit we had left in the fridge with a bit of Nesquik Chocolate Powder my grandad bought me a few weeks ago.

So Exh if you want my life, you can have it, bet you soon bring her back.

oh Peppa, what a lousy day!

I hope things have picked up since Friday.
I'm sorry I don't have anything useful to say. Would you be able to go to the food bank - I know you didn't want to see your neighbour last time, but I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of - you're doing your best (which is a lot better than many would)

I am so sorry you're in this dreadful situation - you sound so together and poised. I am sure you will find a way through this

Things have got better since Friday!

Had an unexpected afternoon to myself today.

Was at Aldi with DD. DD became a bit obsessed with a piece of Broccoli and wouldn't put it in the trolley. I let her get on with it because she was walking somewhere for a change.

Anyway at the checkouts I bumped into MILs sister. I've mentioned her before on previous posts but just for context:

I'll call the sister R. R is only 6 years older than me (she's early 30s), from what I know of it GMIL who already had 4 children thought she was on the Menopause went to the doctors and found she was pregnant with R. Exh was born when R was in year 5 at the local primary school.

R has 3 children aged 10, 8 and 2 (the 2 year old I've also mentioned previously and is only 4 weeks older than DD). Anyway R has all 3 children with her and they were heading to the swimming pool. The 10 year old loves DD we'll call RD1, whenever she sees DD she's always cuddling her, holds her hand if she's walking, helps play with her and according R has even changed her nappy. DD loves RD1 as well thankfully. I'll call the 8 year old RD2 and the 2 year old RS.

RD1 begged for me to let her take DD with them swimming. R said she could go because apparently DD is so well behaved and would be a friend for RS. R has a spare car seat for DD (she often has playdates for the children apparently so is always driving someone elses child back and forth), so she gave me the money to get a taxi home, helped me put my shopping away while RD1 packed a swimming bag for DD she took my towel from the bathroom and off they went.

The pictures I've received through Whatsapp I didn't realise R or RD1 had my number show DDs having fun, and they decided to go to a water park place with slides and several pools. There's videos on Facebook of DD going down the big slide with R and then RD1, looks great fun, almost wish I had the money to join them.

But I am enjoying the peace!

Feeling a bit guilty, and I'm not sure whether I need to?

Spoke to a couple of friends about what's been going on. I've known one since I was in Year 5 at Primary School when she moved house/school (A), and the other I met when me and A started Secondary School. We were a 3 all the time at High School (B), even when we didn't have lessons together we'd meet up at Break/Lunch.

Both live far now. A moved back to the town she was originally from, and is now married with children herself. And B moved away to go to University and never came back. She's got a partner but no children. We talk though Whatsapp and meet up 2-3 times a year, usually in one of the big cities.

Anyway, we were chatting on Whatsapp, and I told them both what's happened, how H has left and we're struggling. Both were upset for me.

A is sending some clothes that her DD has grown out of for my DD which she's posting tomorrow and she's also posting a recipe book she got given which is all about meals to cook for under £3 each, and B has sent a £50 Asda shop which is arriving tomorrow, apparently there's treats in the shop for both DD and I. A is also coming back to my town over the summer to see her parents (who still live in the area) and has said she's coming to see us both and wants to buy DD some shoes as apparently she'll need some soon she will but it's my job to buy my childs shoes!

I feel awful. They shouldn't have to bail me out like this and I'm not sure I can ever repay them. I only told them so we could have a session slagging off men .

Don't feel guilty. Your friends love you and want to support you. You can also use this to show you have a good support network. When my brother was fighting for residence of his daughters I had to give a statement to the courts and be interviewed by cafcass discussing the support is offer despite being 200 miles away from him.

I'm sure there will be a point in the future you can help your friends or someone in their place.

Hi OP, sorry I haven't read all the comments but just to say have you considered having your DLA reassessed? Have you got a Carers Centre nearby? They often have a benefits worker or CAB should be able to help otherwise. If it's a Carers Trust centre they can apply for grants too. There is also Family Fund which has grants for holidays for parents with disabled children.

Brand I've had my DDs DLA reassessed, they still said lower rate only.

Also if you get DLA you dont have to pay council tax,

Depends where you live. Council tax benefit was abolished a few years ago and councils have set up their own schemes.

I agree your water and energy charges seem high, OP. Go on one of the comparison sites and see if you can get a cheaper deal for your gas and electric, ask for a water meter if you don't already have one and see if you can get on the social tariff for water.

As your little one gets older, she may be entitled to more DLA, because the amount of extra care she needs compared to a healthy child of the same age will be greater. If you could get middle rate care for her, you'd be a lot better off (£34 extra DLA, around £60-odd extra child tax credits and you could get carer's allowance, so with that and income support top-up you'd be £34-5 better off).

Apply to the council for a discretionary housing payment too, they only usually give them for a few months at a time, but it will make things a bit easier for a while.

And never, ever be afraid to ask for a food bank referral - you thoroughly deserve a bit of extra help.

Good luck.

Lake I posted earlier in the thread that I'd spoken to my water company and got a £100 refund because I'd been overpaying for months, cheque arrived this morning, so will cash that on Monday.

I've spoken to my Gas and Electricity Company but I'm apparently on the cheapest tariff. I've changed providers before and not seen much difference in my bill, and speaking to other people locally on prepayment meters £15 a week is about right apparently /

Pediatrician has said he's not hopeful of her getting middle rate DLA before she turns 3 due in part to the amount of time getting a diagnosis takes as it's not just him who diagnoses it's every other, so it's just about coping until then. Although things are just getting worse as the Audiologist has decided to refer her to ENT but not discharge from Audiology so it looks like yet more appointments

So I posted this last night after an awful day yesterday: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2998541-Nobody-wants-me-and-DD-do-they?

PIL let me down, and text me when I was halfway to there's with DD to say they were in Scotland for the week from Friday and had forgot to let me know.

Which annoyed me more than the rest really. Have since spoken to a few of the mums group and they felt that at the moment DD gets a bit overwhelmed with so many children possibly due to H leaving, so they didn't invite me for that reason

And my DM can just sod off.

I was gifted a slow cooker in the Asda shop by my friend and DD was flicking through the recipe book she also sent and indicated she wanted thai green curry which I made last night and it was so delicious, and there was enough for me to freeze for another day, which really made the day better.

Was walking back from the supermarket with DD, through a local churchyard. DD decided to walk, she kept walking off waving and shout "bye" I don't know how she knew I'd wait for her to get back but she made me laugh anyway. Particularly when she lost her footing, nosed dived into the grass, got herself up, laughed then deliberately dived again. My washing machine isn't going to appreciate the grass stains though .

You are doing so well,just keep going.

Are you able to get extra child tax due to your DD getting DLA?

Dumbo No unfortunately as she's only on lower rate DLA we get lowest rate of tax credits.

Ah peppa I have no advice to add to what's been said but I just wanted to say you are totally awesome, inspiring and strong

Peppa so pleased you've made contact with your friends and they are helping you - please let them as I'm sure its from the heart.

As for your PILs , please save the text saying they forgot to tell you they would be in Scotland. If your X is going to be relying on them to help him, its important information to show solicitor / court that even they are not perfect and can't necessarily be relied on.

Sounds like your DD has a lovely sense of humour!

Haven't had a chance to read the thread but check if your local area offers free disability bus passes as you can get a carer added son bus would be free. Look at reapplying for dla as I recon you should be entitled to midrate which would also then class you as a carer. hang in there you sound like you are doing a great job

Curious Can't get the Bus Pass unless you/your child is on Middle Rate DLA, which sucks. Can't get Middle Rate DLA, have appealed the Lower Rate decision and they stuck at LR which is annoying but such is life.