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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found a positive pregnancy test in DSDs bedroom. DH will want her out. What the fuck do I do.

705 replies

K1092902 · 07/07/2017 22:21

I'm in actual genuine shock.

This isn't one of those "my teenage child is better behaved than your teenage child" because it isnt. She is far from perfect but She knows she can tell me anything and I will 100% support her decision on things.

Anyway- on to the topic.

DSD has been working hard all week and took DD out today as I was feeling unwell. She usually does her own laundry and ironing so I decided to do it for her today. Went to put some t shirts away in her drawers and found a positive pregnancy test. Thinking about it (and I know this sounds odd in a way) but I haven't cleaned out any sanitary products from her bathroom bin in the last 2 or 3 months. I know she has been sleeping with someone and she insisted she was taking precautions but as we all know accidents can happen. I assumed she was on the pill as my periods stopped when I was on it a couple of years ago

I was out when she came back with DD and she is now at work until half 12. I'm going to sit and have a chat with her and I know she is either going to be really upset because she doesn't know what to do or angry because she feels I have invaded her personal space- I genuinely didn't go looking for it. I opened the drawer and saw the end peaking out of a pair of slipper socks and knew straight away what it was.

DH is going to be fuming and will probably want to kick her out (can say this with 90% certainty). I will support her decision 100%.

She is 18 (just)

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 11/07/2017 13:22

OP

Sorry to hear how your husband reacted.

I saw that your DSD has a place at a good university and I wanted to say that she is clearly bright and able. If she has the baby, there will be opportunities later to go to a good university, plenty of people take a slightly unconventional route for all sorts of reasons.

So I hope she knows that it is not baby or university, she can do both, it is not all this-or-that, all-or-nothing, despite the very immature approach of her father who only seems to be able to think in black and white terms.

I also wanted to salute you OP.

Morphene · 11/07/2017 13:24

I'm also hoping he will come around to the idea. The instant reaction was far from a good one, but some time on his own may help him to readjust his world view....

FreakinScaryCaaw · 11/07/2017 13:32

Hope you're both ok?

Imjustterfingaround · 11/07/2017 13:56

Well done OP. You have done exactly what you needed to. Imagine if he had married some meek doormat then your DSD would have been homeless. Strength and love.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 11/07/2017 14:25

You're doing all the right things OP.

PayingMyWayYouSay · 11/07/2017 14:44

I don't understand these "maybe he'll come round" comments.

In my eyes, how this man has acted is completely unacceptable. It is downright controlling and hurts me to think the OP's DSD has to put up with being let down by yet another bloke in her life.

Fuck him right off OP

Neutrogena · 11/07/2017 15:25

He most probably will come round. Give him time. His daughter is a teenager and pregnant. It's not ideal news for him I expect. Don't expect congratulations soon....😃
Also, It's all well and good saying she is 18 and thus an adult and can make her own mind up, but if she shacked up with a 58 he old heroin addict, I doubt the sentiment would be the same. It would be more of 'she doesn't know what she is doing' etc

Ooogetyooo · 11/07/2017 15:35

Neutrogena that's a silly comparison to make isn't it?

BertrandRussell · 11/07/2017 15:38

"He most probably will come round. Give him time. His daughter is a teenager and pregnant. It's not ideal news for him I expect. Don't expect congratulations soon....😃"

Ah, yes, give him time, bless him. Maybe cook his favourite meal? Plan a lovely evening, put a pretty dress on and make a big fuss of him and he'll come round- men are just big babies, really, arn't they? Manage him carefully and all will be fine.

XJerseyGirlX · 11/07/2017 15:42

Op, you seem like a wonderful step mum. I know this may seem a bit harsh but your SH's reactions seem like he is the type of guy to:

A: kick someone when they are down (his poor dd)

B: Frighten and bully someone when he doesn't get his own way (calling the police and making you worry about your own DD)

I would say to get rid of your DH tbh

RolfNotRudolf · 11/07/2017 16:00

Beutrogena but she's not stacked up with a 58 year old heroin addict, so why shd the reaction he the same? Although ... even in that case what would be the point in the dad threatening to disown her?
Anger and disappointment may be understandable to some extent, but the dad's over-reaction was not.

Butterymuffin · 11/07/2017 16:05

It has to be assumed that he won't come round. In which case the OP has to prepare for being a single parent to her younger DD, as well as supporting her DSD. That means, in my view, the DSD needs to be prepared for doing most of her own childcare, if she is going ahead with the pregnancy. OP has been a great support and will no doubt continue to be, but there are often slightly romantic notions on teenage pregnancy threads about how, if possible, the parents of the teenager should aim to take the childcare load on themselves so that teen can have something more like a 'normal' young person's life. That is a big ask anyway but will be particularly so for OP in this case, not because DSD is not biologically hers but because she herself is parent to a 3 yo. Just something to bear in mind. Sadly it might be easier if her father was prepared to help too.

PenguinBollard · 11/07/2017 16:13

Flowers for you OP. Thinking of you and your DSD, and sounds like your Mum is wonderful, just as you are.

CheshireChat · 11/07/2017 16:20

Neutrogena But it's even more important we keep the door open for our kids when they make a bad decision so if you think your kid is in an abusive relationship then you let them know they have somewhere to escape.

Really sorry it's come to this OP, she's definitely brave to keep the baby and I hope things settle for you.

And I know it's all very raw and soon, but realistically half of that house is yours and you'll have to decide what you want. Because I don't think his needs should come before his two daughters or even yours and him remaining in the house while the three of you had to move out is immensely unfair.

FriendshipBraclet · 11/07/2017 16:29

Hope you and your dsd doing ok today OP.

Neutrogena · 11/07/2017 16:43

I agree Cheshire. Parents should support.
I am just pointing out that we say she is an adult and to have a baby at 18 is her decision to make as an adult.
But I think we'd be saying differently if she was to make other decisions (like the frankly ludicrous hypothetical example about hooking up with an old heroin addict). Is she an adult or isn't she? It depends on the context of course, but 18 is extremely young to be making the decision about having a baby.
Maybe our support should involve guidance as well.

Fairenuff · 11/07/2017 16:53

Why did he say he would call the police? No crime has been committed. They are not going to be interested in this Confused

PoorYorick · 11/07/2017 17:01

So many parents who make it all about them. His feelings are more important than his daughter's needs.

I hope he does call the police, perhaps being laughed out of the conversation will make him see a little bit of sense.

You're a brilliant stepmom, your stepdaughter is lucky to have you. Do definitely stay away until he comes to his senses, silly and stupid man.

happypoobum · 11/07/2017 17:20

I can pretty much guarantee he "will come round" when his solicitor explains the cold hard facts of life to him.

Why OP would ever want him back after all he has said and done I cannot imagine.

You sound fabulous OP. DH sounds like a weak misogynist who doesn't deserve you or his daughters. I am sure all three of you will be far happier without him. Flowers Gin

happypoobum · 11/07/2017 17:22

And sadly, I agree with PP that it isn't DSD or OP that the DH is calling the police about, or wanting to come home. It's his three year old DD - you know, the he can control

ChishandFips33 · 11/07/2017 17:27

The sad thing in these situations is it doesn't change anything around his title - he's still going to be a grandad - just not one who will have a little one hanging off his every word and action 'cos he's my grandad'

I never knew my grandads so this makes me sad that he's denying his grandchild this special relationship (as long as he drops the strops!)

ProfessorBranestawm · 11/07/2017 17:41

I hope the police laughed at him for phoning them with such a twattish complaint Hmm idiot

pointythings · 11/07/2017 18:00

I wouldn't have him back after this. I really wouldn't.
My DH says he's a twat.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 11/07/2017 18:28

It has to be all about him

Willow2017 · 11/07/2017 19:18

There is a royal mile between supporting your child if they wanted to shack up with a 58yr old heroin addict and telling them never to come home.

It doesn't matter what misteaks they made they should have that first chance to come home and be supported and discuss whatever it is not just banished without so much as a 'how are you what is your viewpoint on this'?

What ops oh has done is unforgivable there would be no going back for me. Calling the police on your wife cos she hasn't agreed with you? Fuck that for a laugh.