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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

367 replies

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 17:36

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

OP posts:
Caroline76 · 24/03/2007 15:50

Majordilemma indeed! If he comes, as someone else has said, don't dread the day. We build these things up in our head, and almost make them go wrong. One day though, balanced with a whole life time of him not attending being thrown in your face whenever there is an arguement, it may be best to just do the right thing. If he really doesn't seem to be hapy then no-one will hold it against you for him going back home as at least you tried. It is better to invite, if even for a short time and him leave then regret him not coming at all.
Good luck though

crunchie · 24/03/2007 15:53

zippi I suppose I justthink MIL are all a pain in th bum and have totally unrealistic expectations aof what any child can sit through, let alone one with any additional needs. AND I think any MIL that phones up an ex partner is a bit of a meddling cow IMHO.

If she had an issue (the MIL) she should have discussed it with her son, not get teh ex to phone and yell IYKWIM

However I do think it is a shame that the original choice was made not to include the child - but since it was beyond that stage, I diodn't see the point in having a go at the OP and fiance after the event IYKWIM.

If we could go back and change the past them a different approach may have been taken, yu get 20:20 vision in hindsight.

Rhubarb · 24/03/2007 15:54

Ahh hindsight - scourge of my life!

crunchie · 24/03/2007 15:57

oh yes rhubarb that wold have come in handy the night of the MN christmas do and sofa dancing IIRC

Hindsight meaning I should have realised being drunk enough to do that, meant I was drunk enough to have a killer hangover and I should have stuck to water!!

Rhubarb · 24/03/2007 15:59

I wish I could stop posting when pissed actually. I wish someone would just boot me off!

crunchie · 24/03/2007 16:00

exactly, should we ask for a hindsight button

Rhubarb · 24/03/2007 16:01

Or a little warning button - ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO POST THAT?

and then REALLY REALLY SURE?

Then DO YOU NOT JUST WANT TO SLEEP ON IT?

crunchie · 24/03/2007 16:12

yeah like when you are trying to delete somthing.

THINK ABOUT IT, WILL SOMEONE GET OFFENDED BY YOUR POST, DOES IT CONTAIN THE WORDS FRUIT SHOOT, BLW or COD IS AN IDIOT??? IF SO DON'T

mishw · 24/03/2007 16:16

OMG - NO WHERE HAS ANYONE SAID THAT THE CHILD IS UNWANTED ON THE DAY - IT IS THE FACT THAT HE WOULD BE UNHAPPY AND UNABLE TO DEAL WITH IT - NOT BECAUSE OF HIS BEHAVIOUR

Gess · 24/03/2007 16:32

no-one knows whether he would be unable to deal with it though. It's very likely he would be completely unable to deal with the ceremony. But the rest of the wedding? Who knows- he's severely autistic- really throw away predictions. You can bet his special school take him out and about to all sorts of places though, so they might have some tips.

Agree with caroline as well.

Been thinking more about this- the best solution would be to ring the boys mother, sit down with her and ask her which bits of the day she thinks he could cope with, and how are they going to work to ensure he is safe? ie who does she think should look after him. She won't say groom because it's completely impractical, she'll also know if her MIL can't cope. I have a whole hierarchy of people looking after ds1. Some are allowed to take him out, others do not take him out of the house, and others are never left alone with him. This boys mother will be the same (there is no other way). There's no reason why a reasonable solution can't be found, that includes him but avoids the possibility of him kicking off during the wedding vows.

alipiggie · 24/03/2007 16:37

Gess you truly are a voice of reason . Someone way down the thread suggested that the boy was brought in time for the family photos after the ceremony and stay for some of the party. If that could be arranged it would be memorable and surely less stressful for all concerned especially the boy. He gets to see his father and have a special photograph taken with him, and stay for some of the party. Then if he finds it too hard to cope with all the noise and strangers he can quietly slip away with his carer - Mum or whoever it may be.

Gess · 24/03/2007 16:42

That sounds ideal ali- it's what we do at this sort of event. Miss anything formal, turn up for the easy going bit and disappear as soon as it starts to get too much for ds1. It works well- and often we end up staying much longer than we originally planned.

kimiTheEasterBunny · 24/03/2007 17:40

I do not see anywhere in this thread that says WE DO NOT WANT HIM AT THE WEDDING BECAUSE HE IS AUTISTIC AND MIGHT SHOW US UP OR SPOIL THINGS!!!

What I do see is someone who is concerned for the welfare of a little boy who would find the whole thing too much to deal with, and I know for a lot of people marriage is not a priority but for some a wedding is very important and should be a day to remember for all the right reasons not for traumatising a small boy.
Majord, it is your day you and your DF tell mother in law to but out and tell the mother that SHE will have to bring the child, and take care of him if she wants him at the wedding.

crunchie · 24/03/2007 17:45

but IIRC the boys mother HAS suggested the groom collects and returns him on the day!! I don't think we are talking about someoe who is prepared to be reasonable, if she thinks the groom should be doing it on the day.

Gess · 24/03/2007 17:58

I think the groom was expected to bring him and drop him back because he won't let anyone else drive him. TBH I think that sort of thing needs to be worked on in the long term (however difficult- referral to clinical psych might be the best way to go) because it is very restrictive, but presumably he will let his mother drive him places. This sort of detail is the sort of thing that needs to be sorted out with the boys mother though.

I don wonder about this "traumatising". If you avoid everything that makes a severely autistic child scream then they would never get out of bed. Whether or not he attends the wedding on that day - he will almost certainly have at least one episode of screaming and hitting himself on that particular day- it is normal behaviour for an autistic child. Weddings are part of life. There will be many many many weddings that his conditon prevents him from attending (because of needing to stay overnight, or not actually knowing many people etc), it seems that as his father is close by and there is an opportunity to dip in and out that he would miss that life experience. Even if he did spend it in the car outside! It's still a different experience. What is life if you spend it all inside at home, never going out in case you become distressed. It's very easy to fall into that with an autistic child,there are always 1001 reason why you shouldn't attend something, so it seems a shame to miss an opportunity that could be fiddled with and part enjoyed by him. Note I am not suggesting that he attend the actual ceremony. Just that he pops in afterwards, and goes as soon as he reaches the stage of not being able to handle it.

Gess · 24/03/2007 17:58

it seems sad that he would miss that life experience. Missed a word there- must preview.

FlossALump · 24/03/2007 18:16

IMO the little boy should be very important on the day. However, I agree that if his not attending was an issue that it should have been brought up before now. I feel that the mum should be given the option to bring the little boy on the strict understanding that she is there to make the day pleasant and fair on the little boy. If she refuses this then IMO she is not being reasonable, you have made an effort to include your new family and nothing else really can be done. I hope you have a lovely day.

coppertop · 24/03/2007 18:30

I agree with those who say that it's impossible to predict how the OP's SS will react. I took my 2 boys (both with high-functioning autism) to a wedding reception recently. The bits I expected them to have trouble with were fine and the things I thought would be no problem were difficult. Both usually hate loud noise and bright lights but they spent longer on the dance floor than any other guest.

If the mother spends more time with him than the father then I would expect her to have the better understanding about what her son will/won't be able to tolerate.

(Congratulations about the Makaton btw, Gess )

RTKangaMummy · 24/03/2007 18:44

Please could someone confirm for a confused kanga

Is MIL the fiance mother?

or the ex wife mother?

Sorry if it has been answered somewhere else

Is there a FIL as well?

Gess · 24/03/2007 19:10

I've assumed fiance's mother! But it must be time for the OP to update......!!!

crunchie · 24/03/2007 19:21

pretty sure the MIL is the fiance's mother, rather than the ex wifes mother. Why would the ex wife's mother be looking at guests lists??

RTKangaMummy · 24/03/2007 19:26

I knew I was being dim

Thanks

zippitippitoes · 24/03/2007 19:33

i think i can safely say that gess talks a lot of sense

mishw · 24/03/2007 19:42

Note I am not suggesting that he attend the actual ceremony. Just that he pops in afterwards, and goes as soon as he reaches the stage of not being able to handle it.

Gess you are suggesting that 'he pops in afterwards, and goes as soon as he reaches the stage of not being able to handle it' - thats great, however DSS mum has already said that DF will have to collect him and take him back after! And as for spending time outside in the car again DSS mum won't go and MIL can't handle him, so should DF spend his wedding day in the car?

None of us know the extent of the autism as we don't know him, however the OP has known him for 10 years, his own father (rightly or wrongly) made a decision to not have him at the wedding, it is now up to the parents to thrash this one out and decide what is best for the boy - not what is expected of the father and OP.

mishw · 24/03/2007 19:44

I don't think I would update if I was the OP as she's come in for a hell of a lot of criticism (?!)

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