to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

[majordilemma]

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

Gess - I do see your point, formal weddings are not the most fun at the best of times for kids. When I got married we had a 2 year old and a 7 mth bump, we had a very informal do and let the guests fend for themselves

I also agree that, had it been the mother getting married, all initial plans would have included her child.

I just think in this situation too many plans have been made, the protests from MIL and ex-wife have come too late and it's already a wedding that the dad feels his son won't cope with.
Maybe for the sake of the child he shouldn't go.

ouch- PCF- how did you feel about that one? How is he with your son usually?

Agree with tigermoth and zippi.

mjm OP stresses it was her FINACE who made the choice BEFORE the wedding was planned, why do you assume she is the bad one in this trying to exclude the child. I don't believe that is true, I seriously get eh sense that the MIL is stirring it. She is the one that phoned the ex. The ex knows about the wedding and is now going mental about it??? hmm to me it looks like she is trying to get back at the 'bad' man her chiild's father is. It is not about the wedding IMHO it is a way to say 'look it is your fault, you abbandonned me and our child' I really don't belive the mother wants the child at the wedding either (if it was about the needs of the child she would offer to help/be there etc) No it is about using the wedding as an excuse to beat up on her ex. I doubt she has any intention of allowing teh child to the wedding, BUT she will be able to blame the FIANCE by saying 'he is such a heartless father he didn't want his own son at the wedding' when the facts seem to be the fiance WAS taking into account what the child could easily cope with and deciding early on that it would be harder on teh child and more stressful for the child.

I can't believe you lot think he OP is unreasonable and uncaring. She didn't choose not to have the child there, his father did for very valid reasons

I am trying to imagine the first conversation the fiance had with his ex ie

He says 'OP and me are getting married - we have set a date '

Ex says ' that's nice/fantastic/about time, do you want ds to be there or not?'

It seems to me to be one of the first issues you'd naturally discuss

Tiger ......erm...wouldn't it be normal for ds to be there on a day as such?? soz @ my ignorance lol the baby is making me eat too many sweets

yes- kind of agree with that hipp- just think it wouldn;t be that hard to slip him into non-formal bits, and that he might enjoy it.

One thing I've learned is that I cannot- even as the main carer- predict what ds1 will enjoy or cope with. As already said by someone else- the main feature of autism is that it is entirely unpredictable.

I can predict the sort of thing that might be difficult so we make extra arrangements. For example we want to go to Ireland to see the in-laws again, so we have decided to go next year. My parents will accompany us on the whole journey, then go and stay in a cottage somwhere so we can be left alone with IL's (yes we are very lucky with my parents). I predict that the journey will be very difficult- and have the backup in case it is (4 adults - 3 kids!) But I don't know for sure it will be dreadful, he might surprise us and love it!

oh I can understand that pcf- it was probably a relief that he wasn't invited.

PS-10 minutes ago ds1 has just produced his FIRST Makaton sign (aged 7) (We have a wonderful therapist working with him at the moment).

tigermoth re your post at 14.34. A lot depends on the relationship with the ex though, doesn't it? It would be lovely to think that the ex gives her blessing to the wedding and then settles down to amicably discussing their ds's role in the day.

This may well not be the case and I'm wondering at the MIL's motives, as well.

Mejustme - I think it would be normal to talk about what their son was going to do as soon as the wedding date was mentioned. It would be nice to think this would be in as 'what's the best way to include ds on the day' kind of thing but as I don't know the people in question, I can't say.

tigermoth soz i am strainin to keep my eyes open lol forgot pregnancy is tiring!!!! lol

MIL might just be upset that her grandson can't attend. My MIL has been upset in the past when we haven't taken ds1 to various things (300 miles away so we've decided unmanageable).

As the fiance has seen a lot of his son in the last 10 years, and has to be hands on because of his autism, I'm assuming fiance and his ex can talk about their son's needs well enough, irrespective of them getting on ok or not.

pcf I really think suggesting that the child is 'so unwanted' is really not fair at all. It was decided early on that perhaps it would be too much for him, his own father decided that. Therefore it is only since the MIL stuck her oar in that the situation has arisen.

At last someone with some sence go Crunchie

I s'pose a lot depends on the circumstances of the ex's marriage breakup.

Discussing their son's needs is one thing. Discussing them with regard to a new marriage/wedding day may be a lot more fraught.

I'm still wondering at the the MIL's motives.

the situation could equally well have arisen because the father decided that it would be 'too much' for him. he's not the main carer, so MIL or not- the mother (the main carer) may well have gone off on one anyway as soon as she heard that. She may feel very much that he is capable of such an occasion. There's 1001 beind the scenes different interests that could be coming out in this negotiation. I would be annoyed if the father of my severely autistic son did not invite him to his wedding (unless the father was utterly unrealistic about safety in which case I would be relieved).

TBH I think, like Tigermoth that the mother, OP and finacee have to decide together what will be suitable,

BUT the wedding has been arranged without the child's needs being taken into account as the father decided that was the right choice. Only now when it is too late to change things does the MIL call the ex to moan, the ex phones to yell at the child's father, he is made to feel a total sh*t for thinking that the child couldn't cope with the day and being told he is a bad father. When noone is actually saying I WILL LOOK AFTER HIM! The MIL has offered, but she cannot cope with teh boy, the ex is saying he MUST be there, and you the groom MUST be in charge =of him.

IMHO it is teh MIL and ex who are unreasonable at this stage, I think the OP is trying to ensure things go weell/smoothly as she has planned.

In hindsight the original choice not to have the boy there may be wrong, BUT the choice was made. All she is saying is that she doesn'ty know what to do now to please everyone AND to have the day of her dreams.

I think there are lots of potentially workable soultions on this thread (emply a keyworker, have him attend part of the day as appropriate for example). To be autism friendly a wedding just needs to be flexible, - a big wedding can be flexible if one guest is allowed to come and go as suitable with his 1:1 helper.

The MIL may have just assumed that her grandson would be attending right up to the moment of seeing the guest list.

threads like this where we all speculate on the limited info provided by the op are interesting because people bring their own experience to it

crunchies has quyite a different reading between the lines to my reading between the lines for example

it's like a novel you get given certain points of a story but how they are interpreted varies widely