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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

367 replies

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 17:36

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

OP posts:
Gess · 24/03/2007 14:17

Often there are only limited people tortoiseSHELL_ that can be hard- but staff at SN schools are used to taking the children out (they take ds1 to places I wouldn't dare go) and the assistants are often keen to get an extra bit of cash. I would definitely ask around. There may be a maternal grandparent or aunt or something that could cope.
Like PCF- the fact that the mum wants him to go does suggest to me that there is someone who could fill that role. She'll spend every day of her life worrying about/assessing his safety and there's no way she would let him go if she thought he wouldn't be safe (which he wouldn't be without 1:1, a role that his father obviously can't fulfil on his wedding day). Most of the problems I hear are of mums who don't want their child to go off somewhere with their father because they think they won't be safe (came across a wedding one recently where a father expected his autistic child to fly out to America to attend the wedding- yeah right).

zippitippitoes · 24/03/2007 14:17

of course he is not little he is 12 which means it is more difficult than a small child with autism..I imagine he is pretty strong

LittleSarah · 24/03/2007 14:18

'Me thinks MIL and birth mother may be cooking up ways to ruin the wedding and don't give a flying fig about the needs of the child'

Really?? His grandmother and mother don't care about his needs? Sure. And all ex-wives are evil.

MejustMe · 24/03/2007 14:20

Gess,
I rasied for a yr my cousins son, he had no idea at the age of 5 how to eat from a fork of his own, he could only drink out of water bottles the kind with the spout on, he didn't know about washing, toileting, reading, writing, drawing, or playing. He had never been in a park even and because he mimicked the sounds of buses his mother would not take him anywhere. Within a month of him (and her) moving in with me I had taught him all these basics and how to pour himself a beaker of water...ok it took time but we (he and I) did it. By the time she and i had a huge row a yr later my little cousin could even butter a slice of bread which to him was a major feat, he was so proud of himself. She went into one had a screaming fit and walked out with him because (in her words) It wasn't fair that I could get him to do the things she couldn't.

The difference was...I treated him like I do all children in my care whether it be my son or someone elses child while they are with me it is my rules. So i didn't feed him, I let him pick his dinner etc etc sadly now i hear e is back to his old ways of being unable to do things and "flapping" his arms.

To me all children are the same they can be angels or total shits!!!! lol

Gess · 24/03/2007 14:22

I definitely want you to be my cousin! I remember the first time I found ds1 buttering bread- it was very special!

pinkcandyfloss · 24/03/2007 14:23

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Gess · 24/03/2007 14:24

you're right though mejustme. If I had to go to a wedding tomorrow my money would be on 2 year old NT ds3 (very stroppy) making more of a scene than ds1.

MejustMe · 24/03/2007 14:24

lol gess i am here for the offering if i am needed and i am free lol

hippmummy · 24/03/2007 14:25

I think the thing to remember when seeing it from the pov of the mother is that the mother won't be there on the day.
The Father took the decision not to invite his son knowing that, as the most important person to that boy on the day, he wouldn't be able to give him the attention he needed (understandably).

Maybe a key-worker could be arranged, but mums of autistic children you can answer this better than me: do you think the son will cope well when he can see his dad and stepmum around but not have their full attention. Would this be likely to upset him more? (I genuinely have no idea, so am asking)

I still believe that the father's opinion is as valid as the mother's and if he felt it wasn't right for his son to be there he should not be pressured by guilt into changing his mind.

melminx · 24/03/2007 14:25

little sarah not all ex wives are evil just most! i am an ex wife and i never gave ex h new wife any hassle at all because i knew what the poor cow had coming! his now dumped her with 3 kids and moved onto wife no 4 with more kids on way i expect

Gess · 24/03/2007 14:25

I'm going to whisper very quietly- I just went away for 5 days -utter bliss- (I book up courses, gives me an excuse to bring in the grandparents and off I go really makes a difference)

crunchie · 24/03/2007 14:26

I do think MIL and mother are making this difficult, see

'Its only now that we are doing final numbers, MIL saw the guest list and flipped out. She then phoned BM and things have spiralled. DF is feeling hugely guilty and I am feeling guilty, annoyed and dreading the day. '

'Cant help feeling BM is making fuss because she would like her son to 'spoil' our day. I also wonder whether its actually fair on son to have to get stressed out. '

'Yes, I am cross at MIL for getting involved. She still likes to pretend that his son is merely 'difficult' or 'troubled'. MIL never really accepted the ASD diagnosis and tries to make DF feel guilty for leaving ex (way way before I came on the scene btw and before the real extent of sons problems were realised). '

'When planning the wedding our first thoughts were of how to work it around his son and DF decided that it would be less stressful for son, myself and our guests if son was not there. DF made the decision as he wanted to be able to relax on his wedding day rather than be on alert for potential problems with his son. He does take alot of care and will probably never live by himself (although we can hope!!).

It was only when MIL told his ex that this was the plan and his ex has gone mad at DF saying he's ashamed of his son and being excluded from our family, and he was a pathetic dad to not want his son at wedding, he's being selfish by not wanting to care for him at wedding etc etc. DF is heartbroken at accusations and is now wondering about including him. I am upset because we have planned a wedding that is justnot really suitable for himto attend. It is at a stately home, civil service, hired a string quartet, champagne reception, and wedding breakfast followed by more music, fireworks and dancing. We have 150 guests and 200 in evening. It is a big occasion!!! '

So are you telling me that the MIL and ex are doing this for the child's sake are are noy trying t be difficult??

OP didn't suggest it was the childs mother, but the MIL should not have phoned to stir it up

Gess · 24/03/2007 14:28

hippmum- I would expect him to go up and climb all over his father- or do whatever his normal behaviour is. I do think the ceremony itself might be too much for a severely autistic child because the behavioural expectations are too high- but I wouldn't see climbing over his father/doing his normal stuff as a problem outside of the ceremony/speeches. If it was ds1 at that wedding I'd be more concerned about him trying to join in with the string quartet, but tbh I find that sort of stuff quite funny these days- it adds to the occasion!

Gess · 24/03/2007 14:29

crunchie - I read it as the MIL hadn;t realised he wouldn't be invited until she saw the guest list. Must admit I would automatically assume my son was going to be invited to his father's wedding.

kimiTheEasterBunny · 24/03/2007 14:30

No little sarah not all EX wives are evil and not all MILs are evil but as the whole thing was arranged to not include the child (and his dad must know his own child and what he can and cant cope with) then the MIL starts on about it and the birth mother whos turn it is to look after the child wont come along to help out with his care expecting the poor dad to spend his wedding day fetching and returning the little boy as well as dealing with a very stressed out child, seems unreasonable to me.

If MIL and BM want the child to attend then THEY must take care of him and let OP and her DF have their wedding day.

pinkcandyfloss · 24/03/2007 14:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gess · 24/03/2007 14:33

I would be stunned if the mother was expecting the father to look after the son on his wedding day in the way you describe because that would not be remotely safe for any severely autistic child and I can't imagine a mother allowing it.

tigermoth · 24/03/2007 14:34

It's interesting that a lot of recent posts say that the wedding plans are up to the OP and her fiance. They have the right to decide.

The DF decided his son would not be happy at the wedding, so was in his rights to make plans that excluded him. The OP has nothing to feel guilty about and supported this judgement as her fiance knew his son. I think that's all fair enough. But....I also think when stepchildren are involved, it's a good idea if the mother of the children also have a say in the wedding plans from the word go.

Of course it not because she is his ex - ex wives have no business planning weddings for their ex husbands! But these two people will always be bound together because they share parenthood of a child. A wedding day does not change this. Rather, it is a signficant event that impacts on the child, so it demands input from both parents before anything is planned. IMO.

This would be the same whether the child was SEN or NT.

I don't think the OP has anything to feel guilty about,but I do think her fiance made an error in not talking plans through with the mother before it got to this stage.

Or did the mother first agree to her son being excluded and then change her mind?

zippitippitoes · 24/03/2007 14:35

maybe df was convinced by the op to leave out his son

and now he is feeling guilty

it is a dilemma isn't it

melminx · 24/03/2007 14:36

pcf i adore all my kids as does every mum on here but it really is there day isnt it? as selfish as it may seem i think they are allowed to on their wedding day

melminx · 24/03/2007 14:37

waiting for some serious back lash on that one!

zippitippitoes · 24/03/2007 14:37

"their day" is where all the regular wedding baggage comes in..can we start on what constitues a wedding now and why

kimiTheEasterBunny · 24/03/2007 14:38

They are not trying to pack the child off to an desert island FFS they are trying to have a wedding day on a weekend they are not responsible for the welfare of the little boy, and they do not want to put him in a situation that he will not be able to deal with.

And be honest how many people on here would not like to spoil their EXs wedding day, BM could be making a fuss to cause grief, she must know her son would not cope.
I don't push DS1 in to situations he can't cope with, no decent parent would.

pinkcandyfloss · 24/03/2007 14:40

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MejustMe · 24/03/2007 14:40

it would be less stressful for son, myself and our guests if son was not there

where is the df feelings on this because re reading that statement he is just trying to make sure everybody else is happy.....has anyone thought that maybe he really does want his son there???and maybe he went with making the decision because he may have felt pressured, I cannot for one second believe he just out of the blue said "I think it will be better if ???? isn't at the wedding" the topic mut have been broached by someone at some point.