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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD3 to DM "you've got a big nose, Granny"

229 replies

Applesandpears55 · 07/07/2017 08:49

So my DD who is 3.5 looked at my mum this morning and said "Granny, you've got a big nose". DM said to her "well thanks, that's actually very rude" in a very defensive and unhappy manner. DDis very sensitive and was upset by this. She frequently says things like "mummy, you have big feet" and things like "mummy, that boy has a black face" in reference to a boy at nursery. I tell her that people come in all shapes and sizes and we're all different and that's a good thing.

I had a chat to DM and explained that she would say any adult has a big nose as it's bigger than hers. She's just observing. My mum is a teacher and says it' unacceptable for my daughter to say that. She also said that if I said to my daughter that she had a big nose, she'd be upset by that so she's old enough to know it's not nice. I disagree. My mum is now very upset with me and said that i always think I'm right (which I don't). So AIBU or is my mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Applesandpears55 · 07/07/2017 22:51

laurel I have agreed that the remark was rude but I've said it was unintentionally rude. I've also said I'll take on board the advice about explaining not to comment on appearance. DD is my eldest child so I'm still figuring all this out and because of the issues I've faced in my life, it's so important to me that she grows up to be proud of who she is, whether that's with a big nose, or without. Whether that's a face covered in acne or whether she has a perfectly smooth complexion. Whatever it may be. I want to give her the tools to cope with (what others might percieve as) her "imperfections".

Anyway, I'm not disagreeing with everyone who has a different opinion. I'm taking advice on board and trying to work out how best to move forward with these situations.

OP posts:
laurelstar · 07/07/2017 22:54

Okay thanks OP. Felt hurt for your DM

alltouchedout · 07/07/2017 22:57

There's no malice behind a 3 year old's observation, so why on earth is your mother behaving as if there is? How sensitive is she about her nose?

Original poster
Applesandpears55 · 07/07/2017 23:02

laurel did you see the part where I said she always called me fat growing up. Which resulted in me battling eating disorders for 8 years. Things like "just look at how fat you are" when I was maybe 13/14 and a size 12. Maybe you feel less hurt for her now. She's a massive hypocrite.

OP posts:
keeplooking · 07/07/2017 23:05

Would I be overstepping the mark to demand a pic? Grin

Lickedthespoon · 07/07/2017 23:20

Woah woah woah - can we just remember she's 3! Kids make observations and say things as they are. OP made it clear it wasn't said nastily. Kids don't know how to be tactile in what they say. Gentle conversation on how it could upset people is fine but may need revisiting, as with lots of things we teach. Your mom didn't take it well and treated your child differently after, which, to me, isn't a very adult way to behave. She shouldn't expect your 3 year old daughter to act in a manner that she didn't

Themoonhatesthestars · 07/07/2017 23:32

As a mother of child of the same age I would say they are only noticing differences and verbalising them, not being mean.

I often have to say to my child not to describe people when saying hello but its genuinely said in a non-malicious way.

"Hello man with a big massive beard " (he was really quite proud).

"Hello lady with the white hair" (not quite so impressed).

"Hello big fat lady" (met with the response of "I've lost 4 stone" and me saying "I'm so sorry" &"you've done really well" & "I want the ground to swallow me up") she had no understanding of my disapproval since it was fundamentally true.

To be fair, we've only ever used the word "fat" in the positive context of "you've eaten well so look at your fat tummy" but my mum once when my daughter was poking her boobs and she said "leave my fat alone" and I counteracted with a comment of "she's not fat but all boobs" but obviously has not worked.

I have (what I consider a slight) physical disability that the neighbours kids sometimes comment on but mine never do because its normal to them so I do understand about unwanted comments but it is understandable to discuss differences however to maliciuoly discriminate would not be.

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 07/07/2017 23:35

OP, I think its just a case of 'out of the mouths of babes' and Im sorry your mum is so upset about it.

Im even sorrier you're so upset.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 07/07/2017 23:41

Your kid was rude.

Your mum was upset and told her so.

Your daughter is sensitive and was upset by this? Well maybe she should learn not to upset other people.

You can't go round insulting other people and then getting upset when they point out your rudeness.

Mittens1969 · 07/07/2017 23:48

I can understand why you're upset about your DM's response to your DD, OP, especially in view of her behaviour to you whilst you were growing up. I've had similar experiences with my DM, and I've had issues with body image and an eating disorder as well. And my DM can be overly harsh with my DDs as well. (She wouldn't have reacted to the big nose comment, though, I do admit!)

It's very hard to have sympathy for someone being over sensitive when they haven't treated us with sensitivity in the past.

In view of this, I do understand why you don't want to risk your DD developing any issues with her body, good for you!

eatabagofdicks · 07/07/2017 23:50

She can accept that people are all different without commenting on it. She made a comment, she learnt that it wasn't appropriate to make based on your Mum's reaction. She'll probably think twice in future about commenting again. Lesson learned.

HappyFeetAgain · 08/07/2017 00:55

It doesn't matter that it wasn't intentional, doesn't make it any less rude? Not sure what the op finds difficult to understand.quite right she was told so. Maybe she will think again before commenting on appearances which specifically can be hurtful.

Ellieboolou27 · 08/07/2017 01:40

Your mum and some of the replies on here make your dd sound positively mature!
She's 3, learning social skills and observation, how will she learn if your mum huffs and sulks, acting like a 3 yo herself, rather than gently explain to her granddaughter what she'd done wrong, rather than stamp her foot and become distant.
Seriously some of the responses on here! It was her grandmother ffs

raindropstea · 08/07/2017 07:16

I completely agree with you, Ellie. The replies here make it sound like she was saying this stuff to intentionally upset her grandmother, when that is not the case at all. She's a 3 year old! And for her grandmother to get mad and close off like that is really confusing for her. Most mature grandmothers would just laugh, gently correct her and move on.

HowamIgoingtocope · 08/07/2017 07:42

She's three. You can't discuss something with a three year old child. It works on facts. She was rude she needed telling and to apologise. She needed explaining that although someone may be different it's not polite to shout it out loud. I am deaf I've had kids say I have robot ears. I'm happy to explain what they do. If they are rude. Tell them. Then explain. Don't make excuses for an aborant child in the future.

waffilyversati1e · 08/07/2017 07:43

She is a preschooler. There is no way she could have predicted that your DM would be hurt by her comment, she was simply observing and vocalising what to her is a fact.

Perhaps your Mum felt aggrieved but her response ought to have been more gentle.

I cannot believe some of the comments here were made by other Mums.

JugglingMuggle · 08/07/2017 07:57

I'm gobsmacked to read some of the comments here. I can't believe that people are calling children little shits for pointing out the obvious.
My view is your mother over reacted and a gentle chat would be enough. I can't believe your mother would act so childishly as to make a 3 year old sad over an innocent remark.
I have a large physical quirk which is very obvious and unattractive. And very different to what other people have. It's impossible to hide. And people stare and comment on it a lot. Children comment a lot. And I am never ever upset when children comment on it in earshot. I usually smile and agree that yes it's different and aren't we all different and isn't that lovely. If I got upset every time someone commented or stared I'd be permanently miserable. Little children are innocent and they are just stating the obvious. And I think they will turn into considerate kind adults if the adult dealing with the situation (parent or grandparent usually) deals with it well, doesn't make them feel bad, but talks to them about differences.
So no. YANBU x

Fioniac · 08/07/2017 08:10

I really think people are being very harsh saying a three and a half year old was being rude, and that it needs tackling. My two and a half year old regularly points out parts of bodies, "nanny you've got a big tummy and big feet, and "mummy you're tummy is big" are just 2 cases in point, and at no point did my mother in law or myself take offence . At this age they have no filters and they call the world like they see it. It is innocent. As long as it is explained that people come in lots of different shapes and sizes what's the harm?!

MagdalenNoName · 08/07/2017 08:16

Society is very harsh about judging women on their appearance and I really don't think that one individual mother can stop that.

I think all we can do is love and affirm our daughters, feed them good food, encourage them to take care of themselves and to help them be aware of the many different ways in which people are beautiful.

I think too much obsessing about words like 'big' or 'fat' is rather too like agonising about how many calories there are in a boiled egg.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 08/07/2017 08:29

Your mum was right to correct her. She shouldn't comment on people's appearance ,I'm surprised you've left it so long tbh before teaching her this. Your mum is clearly a.biy sensitive about the size of her nose,it's ok to be upset if someone points that out.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 08/07/2017 08:33

**a bit

BreezyBreeze · 08/07/2017 08:34

Sounds like your mum handled it well.

That's how your dd will learn not to continue hurting people's feelings.

She's lucky to have a,granny who points it out.

steppemum · 08/07/2017 08:41

I think your Mum was being childish fro getting upset about a 3 year olds comment.
But you dd was rude, and it was fine for her to tell her she was rude.

You comment with your dd on difference - yes my feet are bigger than yours etc.
But you also need to teach her that we don't say those things to people because they don't always like differences to be pointed out. In the same way we teach them not to stare and not to point.

Being positive about difference and celebrating who she is goes hand in hand with understanding that difference shouldn't be the thing we point out about other people, because we are all the same on the inside

VulvalHeadMistress · 08/07/2017 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lifetothefull · 08/07/2017 09:48

Your mum is a teacher and yet is shocked when kids come straight out with stuff? Surely she's seen this before?
'Can your bottom fit through there Mrs Lifetothefull?'
'Why have you got brown teeth Mrs Lifetothefull?'
'Your breath smells of coffee Mrs Lifetothefull?'
You have to be quite robust in this profession.