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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD3 to DM "you've got a big nose, Granny"

229 replies

Applesandpears55 · 07/07/2017 08:49

So my DD who is 3.5 looked at my mum this morning and said "Granny, you've got a big nose". DM said to her "well thanks, that's actually very rude" in a very defensive and unhappy manner. DDis very sensitive and was upset by this. She frequently says things like "mummy, you have big feet" and things like "mummy, that boy has a black face" in reference to a boy at nursery. I tell her that people come in all shapes and sizes and we're all different and that's a good thing.

I had a chat to DM and explained that she would say any adult has a big nose as it's bigger than hers. She's just observing. My mum is a teacher and says it' unacceptable for my daughter to say that. She also said that if I said to my daughter that she had a big nose, she'd be upset by that so she's old enough to know it's not nice. I disagree. My mum is now very upset with me and said that i always think I'm right (which I don't). So AIBU or is my mum.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 07/07/2017 19:35

Just to be clear, OP my exasperation is with PP who seem to think you need to up the ante to, I don't know, beatings, grounding? for a three year old who hasn't grasped the mine field of social etiquette yet.

Banderwassnatched · 07/07/2017 19:36

It's not really about polite and not polite, it's about empathy- something 3 year-olds are not over-burdened with and that we help them learn. She would not appreciate a similar comment from grandma.

keeplooking · 07/07/2017 19:44

"My issue though with that is that I don't want her to think a small nose is better than a big nose or a small tummy is better than a big tummy.

I'm afraid that, laudable though that is as a Utopian ideal, the notion that appearance doesn't matter won't survive past nursery age. Sad

YoYoNoMore · 07/07/2017 19:49

I confess if my 3 year old said this I wouldn't have pulled him up on it. It's a factual statement. Your mother is applying her own value judgement about nose size to the comment and deciding to be hurt. Big, small, average, none is better or worse than the other. They just are. I'd prefer to let my child decide for themselves whether or not an attribute is desirable, not enforce someone else's opinions on them.

hula008 · 07/07/2017 19:51

It's normal to be upset that you've upset someone though? If she wasn't upset at the fact she had insulted someone by accident then I would be concerned (maybe not at 3.5 years though)

YoYoNoMore · 07/07/2017 19:55

If the DGM had responded "I think that's rude" then you can have a good conversation about why some people might find it rude and some might not. But to say it's rude as an absolute is wrong. Rudeness is a perception and not everyone will have the same opinion.

Mittens1969 · 07/07/2017 20:00

I would agree that your DD needs to understand that personal comments like 'you have a big nose' or 'you're fat' can be hurtful and that we need to be careful what we say about others in life. She's at the right age to start learning this.

I think though that it's hard to accept such lessons from our DM sometimes and that can lead to us being defensive. It does sound like the OP's DM was being a bit precious about it and could have handled it without becoming so offended. But it won't do your DD any harm to see that personal comments can be hurtful.

I personally think Peppa Pig has a lot to answer for, actually. That little piggy character is so rude to everyone, constantly telling Daddy Pig that he has a big tummy. I think popular TV programmes like that don't help, as young kids will copy what they see.

starfishmummy · 07/07/2017 20:03

It was rude, but shes 3 and still learning. Telling her is how she learns.

Xeneth88 · 07/07/2017 20:09

yabu

When I was 18ish a 4 year old delighted in telling me that "you must have a baby in your tummy your boobs are so fat", i was a size 10 and yeah actually it did hurt. His mother laughed and laughed at how cute he was and my look of shock was ridiculous

He wasn't. He should have been told how comments like that are not acceptable.

keeplooking · 07/07/2017 20:09

Big, small, average, none is better or worse than the other.

In what MN parallel universe is "You've got a big nose" not going to be an insult? I'm not suggesting that the op's 3 yr old dd was being insulting, but I don't think teaching her not to say that someone has a big nose is going to be anything other than a useful life lesson for her!

TheKitchenWitch · 07/07/2017 20:10

This is ridiculous, I cannot believe the comments on here!
The OP's dd wasn't rude. Children at that age ar

Xeneth88 · 07/07/2017 20:16

Her daughter was rude. Completely rude. She's 3.5 though so doesn't know better, so needs to be told off about it and made to realise you do not make comments about people's appearances. Its ok to be rude at 3/4, it's normal but that's when adults teach them properly! Its ok to say she was rude, she was, no ones judging the child. Its how it's dealt with.

Ikillpotplants · 07/07/2017 20:21

YANBU. I am pretty surprised at people thinking your DD needs to be told off and that it's ok she is upset. Correcting behaviour that is undesirable but unintentionally so should not be done in a way that makes the perpetrator upset. She'll just learn DGM is a moody so and so.

Original poster
Applesandpears55 · 07/07/2017 20:32

To the people who are shocked by her saying "that boy has a black face", we do in fact live in a multicultural area however many of the families around us are from Nepal and she has never commented on their skin being any different however when she started nursery there was a gorgeous little boy from a different ethnic background who's skin was particularly dark. She noticed this. I would say his skin does look closer to black than what a young child might think of as brown. She has also said things to me like "what colour is my face?" I suppose she is seeing the colour of people's skin as no different to the colour of people's eyes or hair. I would say these are ordinary questions and statements from a 3 year old.

OP posts:
requestingsunshine · 07/07/2017 20:34

YANBU. She's 3.5 and kids just say what they see. Sometimes they embarrass us because it isn't something we would say as adults. At 3.5 though it's just an observation and not said to be mean or thoughtless. Does your mum have a big nose? I remember my 3 year old telling me I had a grey hair! It was just an observation not meant in malice but not something an adult would comment on . And it was true, there was a bloody grey hair there!

Anyone who gets offended by what a 3 year old says is a bit potty Imo.

YoYoNoMore · 07/07/2017 20:40

I don't think we should teach children not to make observations for fear of upsetting someone. Better to teach them to be non-judgemental and accepting of themselves and others, so that when they have someone comment on their appearance, they don't get upset.

Original poster
Applesandpears55 · 07/07/2017 20:41

YES yoyo - you've nailed it. My feelings exactly.

OP posts:
mctat · 07/07/2017 21:02

'In fact she sounds far more like a rude 3 year old than your daughter.'

Couldn't agree more, your mother needs to have a better understanding of developmentally appropriate behaviour for young children. Your dd said what she saw. Your mother shamed her for normal 3yo behaviour, because of her own issues.

LemonJelly1980 · 07/07/2017 21:20

Of course the three year old wasn't being rude,she was making an observation just like if she had said "Granny you have glasses",or "Granny you have brown hair".

A person is only being rude if they understand that what they are saying will hurt or upset the other person. In this case the Grandmother reacted quite badly to an innocent three year olds remark. She should have been adult enough to know that a three year old does not yet have the social etiquette to realise that personal comments can be rude.

I find it difficult to understand why a grown adult has taken so much offence to a three year old child's remark.

SparkleMotions · 07/07/2017 21:56

Wow, some of the comments on here! The Child is 3.5 for gods sake, she wouldn't have meant it maliciously. OP your Mum completely overreacted!

laurelstar · 07/07/2017 22:14

YABU and you're also arguing with everyone who's posted their honest opinion!

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 07/07/2017 22:15

3year olds will say things

Dd1, in a lift " Mummy, is that a MAN or a WOMAN? " (I wasn't sure, died a little inside)
Dd2 when ds was born, in a cafe : " This is my brother.We know he's a bit because he has a little winkie" (old ladies chuckling) pause. "But daddy has a GREAT BIG winkie , doesn't he?. Had to leave
Yes, you explain to children that some things aren't right to say. But they're going to say these things before you can teach them. Adults need to step up a bit and realise that children are just naively honestly innocent. Before they learn society's norms about when you should and shouldn't be honest. Even though we're always telling them to be honest.
Adults need to rise above this, so I'd say your mum was BU , OP, although you'd be right to explain to your dd that,despite what we tell them- honesty isn't always best policy

laurelstar · 07/07/2017 22:15

When it isn't the same as yours that is

Serenitymummy · 07/07/2017 22:34

I am astounded at how many people have said your dd was rude. She's bloody 3, she's not intentionally being rude or horrible, she's stating a fact. Good grief your mum needs to get off her high horse, help teach the kid what she needs to know and why that's not a good thing to say, and move on. Done!

redlittlesquirrel · 07/07/2017 22:38

I remember years ago I walked into a bank to join the queue and a boy said to his mum 'that lady is so small.' And the whole queue turned round to stare at me - I am 5ft 1 so yes small but did not appreciate all those adults indulging that little shits comment

I'm smaller than you and have been in a similar position - I was mortified! Worse, though, is when I've had adults point it out, as if I was unaware of the fact. I went to get my shoes reheeled and I was (literally) 20 minutes longer than I should have been because the cobbler and then another customer were discussing my height. I was so embarrassed.