To think it's no ones business where my money comes from?

[Temporaryname4958]

Hi, I've NC'd for this as I try to keep my finances off the net so would rather be as anonymous as possible. I enjoy a relatively nice lifestyle. I work (for myself) 3 days per month. Most of this is freelance work, relatively low paid I just want to keep up to date with my skills. I spend the rest of the time with my young child, experimenting with hobbies and interests and trying to have some kind of social life... I live my life for me and not for work. I am VERY lucky to be able to do so. I know this, I spent years living in poverty and I know how lucky I am and try to never make finances a subject of conversation or an importance socially as I'd really hate for anyone to be uncomfortable around me, anyhow. I have a new group of friends, in a new place that I live. I've been questioned quite intently about my finances as I do not have a partner (I have a husband but we are divorcing and don't live together) nor a "proper job". I never feel the need to disclose where I get my income, but some of these "friends" who probably don't deserve to be called that (and I'm one millimetre from cutting contact) have taken to calling me a "benefits scrounger" behind my back (FYI I've never claimed never intend to and I'm not eligible to either), other rumours include that im a drug dealer, a prostitute/some other fraudster. It's making me very upset.
One lady who isn't spreading these rumours that I know of but is in the group among where they're being spread has text me to say "perhaps if you actually come clean with how your money is made or how you live then all this will stop?" This has annoyed me for 2 reasons.

1. Coming clean infers I've lied/covered it up. I just try to avoid talking about it.
2. It's no ones business IMO.

I break no laws, Claim no tax payers money (although I feel this one is no ones business anyway as I'd never expect someone to tell me this!) and harm no one. Aibu to think it's no ones business and just cut these friends off? I like to spend time with them and it's nice to have people to talk to and go out with but this might just be a bit too far tbh.

Temporary

They might be curious...I know I would be but I'd never ask a friend about their finances or income. It's rude and intrusive. In your shoes, I honestly wouldn't bother with a bunch of women who are nice to your face and then bitch about you behind your back at the earliest opportunity. What a bunch of nasty bitches to suggest drug dealing, prostitution and fraud! Cut them out of your life and find some decent friends. You don't need them.

Temporary
Btw, I don't think you are fanning the flames as some have suggested. You are doing nothing illegal or underhanded. You have every right to be private and discreet about where your income comes from without scurrilous lies being spread about you. I'd be carefull and I'd drop them from my life completely. The next thing will be your child being hounded in the playground by kids who heard mummy telling daddy that Temporary must be a prostitute or drug dealer.
Ps Defintely don't tell the nasty, nosy bastards your business.

To those saying these 'friends' are joking around. Maybe, but the OP has said she's already been approached for her services. So joking or not, rumours spread, rumours become fact and the next thing you know you're being asked how much your charge for a bj .
I'd ditch them and be all the more determined not to share anything at all with them. They sound like a right bunch of nasty bitches, all smiles with OP to her face and then making horrible shit up behind her back, joking or not.

How rude questioning you about your finances! Never heard anything like it.
Tell them you're Princess of Genovia but it's a secret, or that you're a German spy.

Even worse, these "friends" then go and spread horrible lies about you. I wouldn't call them friends if I were you.

Op YANBU at all.

They should ask you nicely and either accept the lack of answers or move on. There is no need for the backstabbing and bitching.

I'm actually surprised they're so curious. Surely in your circumstances most people would just assume it's maintenance? You must be doing something to promote the mystery.

Asking about income shouldn't be viewed as rude. Secrecy around this helps widen the gap between rich and poor and allows for discriminatory pay gaps.
Why are you secretive about it? There must be a reason. Have you considered in your own head your motivation for secrecy?

YANBU - it's none of their business!!! Though to avoid this kind of situation I would probably give the impression that I work more hours than I do.

itsbetterthanabox I wouldn't ask a rich or poor person where they get their money. It really is nobody's business but their own and incredibly rude either way. It's utter rubbish to say a person's a wish and right not to discuss where their money comes from is somehow linked to discriminatory pay gaps. What tosh! Not that these 'friends' are pondering such things as pay discrimination in the workplace! They're just a bunch of nasty, gossiping hags with nothing better to talk about!
Btw, are you telling me that at work you ask colleagues what they picked up or that you would?
The OP is not secretive, in my opinion, just not raised to be so vulgar as to ask others about money. It's unbelievably rude and instrusive and her business only.

I would say if the are gossiping and making up unpleasant rumours about you then they are not very nice friends. I think that is the issue here.

In the last year I am now part of a new group of friends - 1 couple who are a couple of years younger than us clearly have some sort of other source of income. I am curious yes. Would I ever voice that curiosity - only to my husband and not in a nasty jealous making up stuff way. At the end of the day peoples incomes are nobody elses business - it has no bearing on our friendship or activities.

Oh and I would just quietly assume inheritance/flat rental or something along those lines and think well that is good for friend.

As long as you are not scrounging off the UK taxpayers and your income is from a legal source, would it be so bad to tell your friends that you manage okay financially from ex husband's maintenance payments and rental income from a second property abroad and you are lucky enough to own your house outright. You've managed to list those income sources on here so why is it such a big secret from your friends. Don't friends tell each such other things? You don't have to reveal precise figures, I don't think that is what they are asking.

quiz no they really don't.

IT is English culture that finances aren't discussed. It's considered rude.

Why did you move from your friends to a small place, which as you say is local and people like to gossip? That's par for course when one is newcomer and doesn't like to spill.

If you drop them are there other friends or is that it at the school? Depends how big it is and how many likely friends you could have really. Would it affect your dc if you didn't say? Are you dc being secretly quizzed? And would you move somewhere busier and perhaps less inquisitive? Or just say ' oh, I've got savings and I do work you know"

I'm sorry they don't sound like nice friends so you need to ditch them and find some nice ones. If I ever met anyone in your position, I would assume you had either inherited money, had won lotto, got a big divorce settlement, had earnt a lot before you quite full time work, was sharing trading - whatever. But I really wouldn't care and it would not even cross my mind to ask you - they are just bring noisy.

Schmooboo
It's not vulgar haha. Yes I would ask my colleagues what they earn. People who don't discuss money are almost always loaded and for some reason ashamed.
Don't make this about etiquette. Thats used by rich people to make talking about wealth taboo.
These people may not be asking the op to find out about pay discrimination no but that is the knock on affect of making discussions about money taboo.
It's obvious that's what happens and who motivates it.

When you work somewhere where people are paid against salary scales and house prices are published online being coy about earnings just seems a bit silly.

Plus I think transparency over salaries is generally a good thing for employees and leads to greater pay parity.

Traditionally women are paid less than men so I don't particular agree that just because traditionally it might have been rude to discuss money means it has to stay that way.

I think it's bloody rude to ask what someone earns to be frank. Or where they get their money from. Or how much they've got.

I don't call it vulgar. I call it nosy.

I think there are shades of grey on the earnings/asking point.

I wfh for myself, keep erratic hours, have a few BTLs and am married to a husband whose job title doesn't really give away his earnings. People sometimes raise eyebrows at our lifestyle choices (living in an ex-council flat but splurging on business class flights to Japan; shopping at Aldi but frequently eating out at pretty considerable expense; car worth £300 and so on).

If someone asked me where I got my money, I'd be happy to answer that I wfh and have a few BTLs, but the ins and outs of my earnings/DH's earnings and how I choose to spend my money I really won't go into unless the conversation itself is about that. I think most of us can sense when someone is just fishing for info. If anyone is so invested they can do a fag-packet calculation about my income!

car worth £300 and so on

What does a £300 🚗 look like?

I think it's very odd and rude that your friends are being so nosy. I live in a big urban area rather than a small village and people are much less gossipy here. I don't know what half my friends do for a living. Most of my income is from benefits, but none of them know that and just assume that I work as well, as I'm well educated and live in my house which I own outright, and I have a decent income due to maintenance. It's not something that I'd disclose to anyone though, as people can be too negative about it and personal finances is none of their business.

very it is a battered 22-y.o. Merc. Bought for £750, then my darling husband reversed it into half of south London. Then some of the letters on the boot fell off. Then I used it to lug garden waste around and two fornicating snails escaped into the saloon. You get the picture .

In its/my defence it goes like the clappers and I don't lay awake at night worrying if it's gotten scratched.

As much of the UK is obsessed with how a car looks and how many stupid gadgets it has, a £300 car can do a perfectly good job of starting, stopping and going round corners.

it'sbetterthanabox I'm not rich at all, not in the least, quite the opposite! I would never have the bad manners to ask anyone what they earn, rich or poor so it's nothing to do with amassment of wealth or class in my opinion. If you asked me about my income you'd get short shrift. I'd be polite but you'd be told I don't discuss such things with those outside my family. It's not about making money matters taboo, it's about the having respect for people's privacy. I expect some wouldn't be as polite as me and would just tell you to fuck off.

Yeah I don't think you get it.
Some cultural etiquette is antiquated and damaging.
So what if it's impolite?
We need to be more open about these things.