To think it's no ones business where my money comes from?

[Temporaryname4958]

Hi, I've NC'd for this as I try to keep my finances off the net so would rather be as anonymous as possible. I enjoy a relatively nice lifestyle. I work (for myself) 3 days per month. Most of this is freelance work, relatively low paid I just want to keep up to date with my skills. I spend the rest of the time with my young child, experimenting with hobbies and interests and trying to have some kind of social life... I live my life for me and not for work. I am VERY lucky to be able to do so. I know this, I spent years living in poverty and I know how lucky I am and try to never make finances a subject of conversation or an importance socially as I'd really hate for anyone to be uncomfortable around me, anyhow. I have a new group of friends, in a new place that I live. I've been questioned quite intently about my finances as I do not have a partner (I have a husband but we are divorcing and don't live together) nor a "proper job". I never feel the need to disclose where I get my income, but some of these "friends" who probably don't deserve to be called that (and I'm one millimetre from cutting contact) have taken to calling me a "benefits scrounger" behind my back (FYI I've never claimed never intend to and I'm not eligible to either), other rumours include that im a drug dealer, a prostitute/some other fraudster. It's making me very upset.
One lady who isn't spreading these rumours that I know of but is in the group among where they're being spread has text me to say "perhaps if you actually come clean with how your money is made or how you live then all this will stop?" This has annoyed me for 2 reasons.

1. Coming clean infers I've lied/covered it up. I just try to avoid talking about it.
2. It's no ones business IMO.

I break no laws, Claim no tax payers money (although I feel this one is no ones business anyway as I'd never expect someone to tell me this!) and harm no one. Aibu to think it's no ones business and just cut these friends off? I like to spend time with them and it's nice to have people to talk to and go out with but this might just be a bit too far tbh.

Amongst my friends we don't talk in detail about money but it's not a complete no go area for discussion either. For example I know who had inheritances/loans from parents towards house deposits but not necessarily the amounts. If my teacher friends had bought a half million pound house I'd definitely have been curious as to how they'd saved the money if I'd not known as I was saving myself at the time.

They don't sound great, but you're fanning the flames IMO. "Oh, I have a property abroad" is fine, or "Divorce settlement from DC's dad". Then bore them about the ins and outs of Greek plumbing or the CMS, without actually mentioning money.

Nuclear scientists don't generally keep their jobs secret anyway! Most of them can be entirely open, and if there's anything particularly sensitive they'd have an apparently boring job they could tell you. In fact if your job is really secretive then the last thing you want to do is make a song and dance about the secrecy.

Asking about your income is exceedingly rude. And I would very very rarely ask someone what job they do when I first met them - instead you mention location, or something vague and that's the opening for the other person to say 'ah, so what do you do then/oh are you a ......'

In many other countries it's different - straight in on the job and even salary questions. I've had to get quite adept at fielding 'What is your salary?' in the middle of dinner with colleagues and foreign externals. Answer: "Not enough!"

I don't mind disclosing my job - they know this.
It's income/how much im paid/exactly where from and then the rumours that I find rude/offensive/upsetting.

It's income/how much im paid/exactly where from and then the rumours that I find rude/offensive/upsetting.

Well, if they're starting down the "how much does the property bring in/what does Ex pay you" track, I think it's fine to say "I was taught it's rude to discuss money" and cut them off. Because that's just them crossing the line, you're not obliged to answer imo. And change the subject.

Generally if you make something into a big secret, people will wonder.

I don't care how curious people are, it's none of their fucking business. Full stop. They sound bitter and jealous and you don't need friends who gossip and say nasty stuff behind your back. Especially incriminating shit like drug dealing, that kind of thing can tar your name for ever. Real friends wouldn't dream of doing things like that. Bin them. Now.

rightwhine not just one friend, I've actually overheard it myself too, and it's been spread around our very small local area. Someone has actually approached me wanting my err... services blush sad

Yes, I wouldn't be happy about that either.

But this just sounds so far from my experience of groups of SAHM's, I just can't get my head round it.
We'd speculate, be curious, joke but no way would anyone take anything like that seriously. Either they really don't like you or somebody outside the group has taken the conversation out of context.

What exactly did you overhear? And in what tone and context?

Some are obviously being far too nosy. But if you make something into a big secret, then people assume you have something big to hide. Why not just say - I am lucky that I can do a part time job x from home that is well paid. Then any details about amounts you can say you dont want to talk about it. You dont have to tell them how may hours you do - if they ask, just say it varies.
But making it into some big forbidden secret means that people think you have something very big to hide. Your friends are wrong, but this is partly a situation of your own making.

Unless of course you do have something very big to hide. And then your annoyance is simply because people have picked up on this.

Why not just say that you've been brought up not to discuss money but unfortunately for them all your income is boring and legitimate? Then add that you and STBXH have arranged your finances so you can mostly stay home until DC is older?

I have to say that making suggestions about possible drug dealing or prostitution are just people being silly and joking. Do you seriously think they would be hanging out with you if they though you were dealing crack?

It is human nature to be curious and you are feeding that. It's very easy to knock it on the head. Any ideas how my opposite neighbour's aged 40 have managed to live so well for the past 15 years whilst seemingly only working in an extremely limited basis?

Curiosity is understandable but most people should know that questions about personal finances are considered rude in British culture. There is absolutely no excuse for spreading lies that you are a drug dealer or sex worker. That is slander and shows the way their nasty minds work. A kind person would assume you had received an inheritance, won the lottery, were getting alimony, or had lucked out on a property deal or redundancy along the way.

If people are approaching you for sex worker services the rumors are having an unpleasant effect on your life.

I would suggest contacting a lawyer regarding slander and getting a cease and desist letter that you can mail to these people to at least make them aware that their lies could have consequences for them too.

Then cut them off.

So they know you do work and what you do. Drop in the odd line about having a speciality in your field then everyone will assume you're earning more from this than you are.

And maybe mention the property abroad. They don't know anything about it so it could be giving you a substantial income.

That way you don't have to give everything away but you can stop the rumours which must be very hurtful.

The problem is people gossip. And they'll keep gossiping until they know enough to satisfy their curiosity. Staying quiet isn't going to stop them gossiping.

LOL ...

You work 3 days per month relatively low pay and your are separating from husband and able to have the life you want to live/pay bills etc...
naturally we all want some of that... so where does the money come from?

:)

OP YANBU it is none of anyone's business where get your money from, don't feel as if you need to explain yourself to people.

Tell them you had a small but substantial (not big enough for hand outs) lottery win/inheritance that you invested well to give you a regular return. That'll keep them happy

But the point is, why should she have to?

She shouldn't have to but you do what you need to do or you suffer the consequences of frustrated curiosity.
I'm still trying to ascertain whether they are just a nasty group pf women though.

I'm slightly torn by this one.

On the one hand, you are absolutely correct that it is none of their business. In their shoes, I would like to think I'd assume inheritance or some sort of other independent wealth and leave it at that. I doubt I'd jump to the drug dealer or benefits "scrounged" conclusion.

On the other hand, the easy solution is a simple "I live on income from property and investments" and that's really the end of the discussion. No need to "go on about it" or engage in any more discussion. If they can't accept that then they can GTF.

"Combination of house sale,
Generous maintanence paid by H (which goes on our child mostly, as is intended) Careful savings, Rent from a property abroad and a few other bits and bobs(like interest from savings, careful investments) , as well as my freelance work."

They probably are a bit jealous and want to live like you and a bit curious. None of their business though, trouble is IMOE the more interesting it sounds the more people want to know. Just say I have a property I rent out it covers all the bills and they will soon get bored or continue as you are and the gossip continues.

YANBU and its your business but friends can't help being curious. However, IMO Real friends won't call you a scrounger - thats mean.

if you tell them you get rental income most people accept that as something you might be able to live on. If you say you work 3 days a month in IT then it sounds less credible. Yes you might earn a huge amount but best to emphasise that you have property if you want to stop them poking their noses further.

You are in a very enviable position of sustaining a comfortable life with little work. The rumours will have started from a position of curiosity and envy. Cut them off or don't, it's up to you but I think it would be dealt with quickly with the boring truth of
settlements, investments and lettings.

Sounds like you were deliberately obtuse as you're embarrassed about being maintained by your ex.

Not nice of your friends to start rumours but I'm guessing it probably started as a joke between them.

You're overthinking this. Any speculation from new acquaintances won't be serious - I suspect that any conversation about your finances was possibly more jokey and at worst, gossipy and bitchy amongst themselves. I seriously doubt that anyone would spend too much time pondering where your income came from. However, ditch them if you're not comfortable with their comments. Personally, I would laugh about strangers speculating that I derived my income from dubious means - says more about them than you.

I have exchanged personal financial information with a few friends but only one or two and I have known them for a long time. The subject came up and we discussed our income and mortgage details. I certainly would not do that with just anyone, not even close family. In the past, I have been asked directly by not so close friends and nosey relatives and I have not given them any information because I question their motives.

Yes, it's none of their business but being mortgage free, receiving rental income and generous maintenance is relatively generic information - you're not disclosing actual figures are you? Saying all that, if they wanted to know, I would ask them for the same information first because it is weird just to demand that information from someone. Usually, such personal information is disclosed to friends over time.

I'd ditch the lot of them. Who needs friends like that anyway?

the more you create an air of mystery the more people want to know but yes its also nosy in some ways.