AIBU?
To think MILs 'help' is a step too far?
Ramona87 · 06/07/2017 07:58
My MIL and I get on well and whilst she has some ways that I find strange and sometimes annoying I've never (and would never) vocalise this to her as would hate to offend her. I can talk to her about most things and we go generally have a relatively close relationship.
Bit of background, MIL and FIL look after my DS twice a week in our home when I'm at work part time which I'm extremely grateful for and DS loves the pair of them dearly. MIL takes it upon herself to help out, doing ironing, changing bins, often rearranging our furniture so that it is 'less cluttered', or replacing random items in our home for things she feels are better. Whilst I am appreciative of the sentiment I often feel that some of this 'help' is not her place to do. And she should respect us and our choices about our home a little more, regardless of her own opinion.
So a few days ago I came home from work really ill, I'd gotten that Norovirus and was vomiting and the other thing. They were at home with DS and kindly told me to go and have a lie down upstairs and they would stay until they normally would a few hours later when DP got in from work, so I gratefully did this. The day after was my day off anyway, but MIL again kindly offered to help out if I wasn't feeling good, and said she was picking her other DGD (DPs niece) up from school (which is in our town, she lives around 45 mins away) so she would be around anyway. The next morning after she text me to ask if I needed her to take DS out for an hour or so before she picked other DGD up from school I accepted, on the premise that she wouldn't be making a special trip. She turned up and immediately said she had cancelled picking up other grandson from school incase she passed anything onto him, and brought with her anti bacterial surface and floor wipes, bleach, and hand sanitiser. I thanked her for this and was grateful for her help. She then said she had brought some of her own bedding and towels from her own cupboard to replace ours with, and that she was going to take our current ones back home with her to wash. Again I thanked her but told her we did have other bedding so was no need for us to use hers, and that washing it ourselves was no problem, but she insisted and took all of the towels from our bathroom and started stripping my bed. As I knew she was trying to help I just allowed her to do it. She then started saying our bedding needed throwing out and we needed new ones, and commenting on the fact that 'you don't change your bedding very often- I do mine twice a week, so I don't mind helping'. I was mortified. I felt so embarrassed that she was passing judgement on our bedding, and find it odd that she even goes into our bedroom enough to notice how often we change it. It was obvious I felt offended and she said "hope I'm not interfering" to which I bit my tongue and told her she was not. But the more I think about it the more I think this is the equivalent of me going to a family members or friends house, and cleaning saying "you don't clean enough and I don't mind doing it", I feel it's insulting despite her intention to 'help'. She is a very fussy woman who has a tendency to go over the top, she always says things like "I just have to help people" but I feel sometimes it's not a help at all it's a bit backhanded. Or am I being over sensitive and whingey?!
endofthelinefinally · 06/07/2017 08:03
I think with norovirus accept all help and say thank you.
It sounds kindly meant and not nasty.
My mil was vile to me.
Yours sounds well intentioned.
When you are better and going forward you might be able to distract her with other helpful things she can do that are less intrusive.
Try not to fall out with her.
2014newme · 06/07/2017 08:06
She overstepped by telling you to replace your bedding but she does free childcare and helped out when you were ill. Many people would be happy to put up with the odd overstepping remark in return, she's saving you a lot if money.
A solution could be that she looks after your child at her house instead if yours. You could suggest this to make it easier for her.
Postagestamppat · 06/07/2017 08:15
She rearranges furniture and replaces things with "better" things??? I have told my own mother off for similar behaviour. It is not acceptable. As for going into your bedroom and commenting on your bedclothes while you were ill - again unacceptable. "Helping" isn't always because the person wants to genuinely help, but about control. And you can't complain because of the free child care. I would be very angry with her going over boundaries and the implicit emotional blackmail. But how to solve it? That's going to be a minefield as it sounds like she, you and your husband have normalised this. The best way would be to switch the place of care from yours to hers.
Whitegrenache · 06/07/2017 08:21
Ha ha my mil does this and I adore her for it!! We have a laugh about her standards vs mine.. another example is she thinks the dc (8) and (11) should have a bath every night and if they stay over and grandmas they have one! I on the other hand am fairly relaxed and kids have bath less often. She also comes and cleans my cupboards out and remarks they are a disgrace 
buts its all in good humour. She and I have vastly different homes. She lives in a pristine home wife her dh and I live on a farm with 2 dc, 2 ddogs a hen and a messy dp!!
Somerville · 06/07/2017 08:23
It was obvious I felt offended and she said "hope I'm not interfering" to which I bit my tongue and told her she was not.
There's your error. 
If you don't tell her when she's over stepping, then she won't know. Likewise, the next time she moves funiture or replaces something, immediately say "I liked that the way it was actually, would you help me to move it back right away."
Also, could I borrow her please?!
Ramona87 · 06/07/2017 08:25
Yer I'd never want to fall out with her in a million years. As I say she does do a lot for us that genuinely helps, i.e. free childcare and other ways also. We're lucky to have her for the things she does to help us and for these things I am eternally grateful. I feel though because she does so much to help I am not in a position to say anything about all of the things she does that are so intrusive. To the poster who said she oversteps the mark one time and I post- it isn't one time, I feel rearranging my furniture (after I've moved it back myself several times) and replacing items in my home is overstepping it too, amongst other similar things I've not mentioned. None of this has ever and would ever be vocalised to MIL, I'm merely ranting at MN.
user1495915742 · 06/07/2017 08:32
If she moved the furniture, I would ask her to move it back or do it myself every. single. time. Similarly, if she replaced items for things she thinks are 'better'. "MIL, what did you do with my old chopping block? I'd like it back please." Then hand her back the new one. "I don't really like that one. It's a bit old fashioned."
You don't have to be mean or rude but you do need to establish some boundaries or your house is going to end up looking like Hyacinth Bucket's.
OrigamiOverload · 06/07/2017 08:39
I mean this very kindly, although it's going sound rather blunt - if you are not paying her then you need to just suck this up.
I am in exactly your position. My DMIL and DFIL do childcare in my home on one day and my DM does another day. I find it stressful having people in my home when I'm not there but it suits them all better to come to us so that's what we do. They all kindly do it for no pay ( I used to pay but our financial situation changed dramatically and it is no longer possible). They all helpfully buy odds and ends they think we need, DFIL does DIY he thinks needs done without asking, DM rearranges furniture and cupboards (I've had to phone her to ask where things stay now!) As I said, I do find it stressful and TBH I long for the day the kids are in school FT and I don't need to have people in my house when I'm not there.
However, all the things they do are actually useful - DH and I don't have time/expertise for a lot of DIY and my mum could have been an intention designer - she is excellent at rearranging the furniture and it always looks better I have to ignore the feeling that I might be being judged for not having done all of these things on my own because above all, they are trying to help and are being so kind. There is no way I could ask them to stop doing these things. I do sympathise with you though.
LionsOnTour · 06/07/2017 08:42
It was obvious I felt offended and she said "hope I'm not interfering" to which I bit my tongue and told her she was not
🤦🏻♀️ WTF WHY? Why on earth wouldn't you say something? I don't understand. You care enough to be getting upset and offended about it and to start a thread on MN but not enough to answer her question. Stewing about it in silence is pointless and likely to lead to drama if you bottle everything up and erupt in anger and frustration at some point in the future 😂
Next time you see her tell that you are extremely grateful for all her help especially when you were sick but you've realized that you would prefer it if she didn't do as much for you as it makes you uncomfortable and that in future you would be delighted if she concerntrated on being 'granny' but leave all the tidying and cleaning to you. Repeat, repeat and repeat again if you need to.
There is no need for it to be a big deal.
Ramona87 · 06/07/2017 08:46
I know I told her she wasn't interfering. I wish I was a more of a confident person to be able to tell her that she was, but I just like to keep the peace and feel I may come across ungrateful. She also only asked this because it was VERY obvious that I was offended and embarrassed by her bedding comment, she wouldn't usually think twice.
Boundaries are exactly the problem. She gets so carried away with helping us it's like she can no longer tell what's overstepping the mark and what's not. But then I suppose I'm to blame as I don't tell her!
She's just text me to say she was sick in the night and she think she may have caught it off there towels and bedding that she took home to wash that I told her to leave her for me to wash but she insisted on taking herself 
WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/07/2017 08:46
It is only on MN that I've seen this type of response - so she does 'free' childcare (as in she wants to, no one is making her do this). She is looking after her grandchildren. While it is not a given that all grandparents want to do this, if they don't they tend to make that quite clear from the outset. This woman clearly enjoys spending time with her grandchildren.
That said, just because she is doing this, this doesn't mean that she can rearrange your furniture to how she likes it. It doesn't mean that she can pass comment about your cupboards or presses and it doesn't mean that she can pass comment about the frequency that you change your bedding.
What is to say that you didn't go out and buy the same type of bedding in bulk and you do change your bedding but just to the same pattern/design each time???
Sparkletastic · 06/07/2017 08:49
Unfortunately this type of overstepping can be the price you pay for free childcare from family members. You have created a debt and she feels comfortable to get her repayment by having things the way she is comfortable with in your home. It has become an extension of her home.
Jumpingjumpers · 06/07/2017 08:50
*I think with norovirus accept all help and say thank you.
It sounds kindly meant and not nasty.
My mil was vile to me.
Yours sounds well intentioned.
When you are better and going forward you might be able to distract her with other helpful things she can do that are less intrusive.
Try not to fall out with her.
Great advice!
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