To think MILs 'help' is a step too far?

[Ramona87]

My MIL and I get on well and whilst she has some ways that I find strange and sometimes annoying I've never (and would never) vocalise this to her as would hate to offend her. I can talk to her about most things and we go generally have a relatively close relationship.
Bit of background, MIL and FIL look after my DS twice a week in our home when I'm at work part time which I'm extremely grateful for and DS loves the pair of them dearly. MIL takes it upon herself to help out, doing ironing, changing bins, often rearranging our furniture so that it is 'less cluttered', or replacing random items in our home for things she feels are better. Whilst I am appreciative of the sentiment I often feel that some of this 'help' is not her place to do. And she should respect us and our choices about our home a little more, regardless of her own opinion.
So a few days ago I came home from work really ill, I'd gotten that Norovirus and was vomiting and the other thing. They were at home with DS and kindly told me to go and have a lie down upstairs and they would stay until they normally would a few hours later when DP got in from work, so I gratefully did this. The day after was my day off anyway, but MIL again kindly offered to help out if I wasn't feeling good, and said she was picking her other DGD (DPs niece) up from school (which is in our town, she lives around 45 mins away) so she would be around anyway. The next morning after she text me to ask if I needed her to take DS out for an hour or so before she picked other DGD up from school I accepted, on the premise that she wouldn't be making a special trip. She turned up and immediately said she had cancelled picking up other grandson from school incase she passed anything onto him, and brought with her anti bacterial surface and floor wipes, bleach, and hand sanitiser. I thanked her for this and was grateful for her help. She then said she had brought some of her own bedding and towels from her own cupboard to replace ours with, and that she was going to take our current ones back home with her to wash. Again I thanked her but told her we did have other bedding so was no need for us to use hers, and that washing it ourselves was no problem, but she insisted and took all of the towels from our bathroom and started stripping my bed. As I knew she was trying to help I just allowed her to do it. She then started saying our bedding needed throwing out and we needed new ones, and commenting on the fact that 'you don't change your bedding very often- I do mine twice a week, so I don't mind helping'. I was mortified. I felt so embarrassed that she was passing judgement on our bedding, and find it odd that she even goes into our bedroom enough to notice how often we change it. It was obvious I felt offended and she said "hope I'm not interfering" to which I bit my tongue and told her she was not. But the more I think about it the more I think this is the equivalent of me going to a family members or friends house, and cleaning saying "you don't clean enough and I don't mind doing it", I feel it's insulting despite her intention to 'help'. She is a very fussy woman who has a tendency to go over the top, she always says things like "I just have to help people" but I feel sometimes it's not a help at all it's a bit backhanded. Or am I being over sensitive and whingey?!

I think there are ways of responding that wouldn't cause offence but very often they come to all of us well after the event

It may be necessary to be blunt though - DH just started giving stuff his mum bought for us that we didn't want back, using the excuse that we didn't have space for extra stuff and we'd bought what we needed/ we actually intended to buy a different one. After a couple of times she got the message.

How about a piece of paper underneath furniture that she often moves saying 'please do not rearrange the furniture and put this chair/table/sofa etc back where it was, we like it there, thanks x'

She'll then know!

You could more signs for different things. Under your pillow/ duvet 'please leave alone'

There are some really weird people on here. So, as OP gets 'free childcare' she has to let someone rearrange her furniture, throw out her stuff, and criticise her lifestyle? No. My mum looks after my DD because she loves her DGD and WANTS to spend time with her (which is pretty common and sounds like it's the case here - lots of GP don't see it as 'providing free childcare' they see it as 'spending time with my grandchildren') and certainly wouldn't expect payment in the form of running my life and throwing away my stuff without asking. That's uncalled for. OP, you don't have to get confrontational if you don't want to, just sit her down when you're better and have a quiet chat about it. If she gets arsey, get DH to have a word. His mum after all. And no, you should absolutely not have to put up with this.

My mum looks after my DD because she loves her DGD and WANTS to spend time with her (which is pretty common and sounds like it's the case here - lots of GP don't see it as 'providing free childcare' they see it as 'spending time with my grandchildren')

I so wish this can happen for me in the future, I'd be so bloody privileged, to be healthy enough to do, to actually have grandchildren and to have a child who loves and trusts me enough to let me do it.

I STILL want to know why you change the bed twice a week!

I totally understand this- my MIL is very similar. My frustration is that she helps in the ways that are meaningful for her, not useful to me so no matter how well intentioned, the sum total is that it's unhelpful.

However, telling her to back off is a minefield so I totally sympathise.

Op doesn't change her bedding twice a week, it's the MIL who does that. Mother in law to op.."You don't change your bedding often do you, I change mine twice week".
She is interfering and overstepping boundaries. I do childcare for my daughter, and I'll load and unload the dishwasher, help with laundry, fold any dried clothing and leave it on the stairs and run the hoover round if asked. I certainly don't rearrange furniture or throw things out. My free childcare doesn't give me the right to impose my wishes on them.

I think sometimes I would love my mother in law to help change my bedding and do things like this but I get feeling embarrassed thing

Yer sorry herat think you've misunderstood! I've no idea why MIL changes her bedding twice a week. She has a lot of funny ways I don't really understand.

The best way to phrase it is to de-personalize. e.g "I think most couples like to see their bedroom as private".

Then you're not saying "you" or even mentioning names, but just giving a general statement that should help her see how it is overstepping the mark. It would also be hard for her to argue with this. The same goes for furniture, "adults usually choose how to lay out their own house" comes across differently from "we're adults, please stop doing that in our house".

If she can't even take that kind of mild rebuff, then there's nothing you can say that won't offend. You either have to suck it up or accept an awkward showdown.

btw - she won't have got norovirus from your towels (unless there was puke on them). She'll have got it from being in the same house as you & your DS & breathing in germs from one or other of you.

The best way to phrase it is to de-personalize. e.g "I think most couples like to see their bedroom as private".

Then you're not saying "you" or even mentioning names, but just giving a general statement that should help her see how it is overstepping the mark. It would also be hard for her to argue with this. The same goes for furniture, "adults usually choose how to lay out their own house" comes across differently from "we're adults, please stop doing that in our house".

If she can't even take that kind of mild rebuff, then there's nothing you can say that won't offend. You either have to suck it up or accept an awkward showdown.

btw - she won't have got norovirus from your towels (unless there was puke on them). She'll have got it from being in the same house as you & your DS & breathing in germs from one or other of you.

Your MIL and mine must be sisters! I have learned to accept the behaviour but over time have also placed the boundaries and each other's opinions/likes etc are now respected. Our bedroom is a nono. As for arranging furniture just re-arrange and if she quizzes, tell the truth, you prefer it where you put it. You don't need to explain why. Lastly also note that it is wonderful that she helps with the grand children, however this benefit goes both ways. She gets to spend time with her grandchildren too. The equation is balanced. If either of you upset the status quo, you both stand to loose.

I always dislike the idea that if someone does many nice things then that means that everything they do must be nice.

Yes, MIL sounds lovely and helpful. But she is overstepping with the replacing things and the bedding stuff. Doesn't negate her other wonderful qualities.

OP, I think you and DH need to tell her nicely that she should not do things that you find unhelpful and a bit intrusive. Stand your ground. Just bec she's helping you out so much in your home doesn't mean that she gets to do things her way on whatever she wants. She needs to respect that it's your home.

Why is she going into your bedroom at all? I'd put a lock on the door, blame it on the kids getting into your sex toys.

You could take the "We have to learn how to do this for ourselves" approach. Ask her to advise instead of do. She wants to help and feel important, you can leverage that.

She thinks the mugs need changing? Let DH know when he gets home.
She thinks the chair would look better over there? Let DH know when he gets home.

This way, DH has to tell you later, you have a brief discussion where you decide you like those mugs and you like the chair there so you aren't going to do it. The next time when she picks up DH can tell her. You are in a rush in the morning, you can fob her off if she tries to talk to you about it. "Got to run, DH has some ideas about that, he'll talk to you this evening. See you later."

If she has the odd idea you like then you can do it and she will preen and live off it for weeks. This has the advantage that you will get to choose your own mugs and she will feel good about it.

Very very passive aggressive behaviour. She's basically telling you you don't look adter her son or her grandkids to the same standard she would/did/does. Total one-upmanship and actually very creepy. Who replaces other people's possessions? I'm guessing she eas a stay at home housewife who had the time to change the linen twice a week. She's using your dependency on her for childcare to score points. Not sure what the solution is but YRNBU at all.

I think there's a mix of things going on here.

1. She sees you as "her kids". Therefore your home is her home (in her opinion).
2. She provides childcare. Your kids are her kids (in her opinion).
3. She has no boundaries. Therefore you shouldn have any either.
4. She knows she is interfering and rude.
5. She doesn't really care what your opinion is because you haven't told her and when you blow your top she will say she didn't know and you should have said sooner.
6. Your DH is more concerned about keeping his DM (and unpaid childcare) happy than you.

You need to ask her to stop doing things.

1. Mil I appreciate everything you do but please don't rearrange the furniture, I like it as it is.
2. Mil please don't go in my bedroom as it's my private space and LOCK THE DOOR.

Then prioritise what's important. Address issues and always in front of someone so she can't say you were rude.

I think she was overstepping and you are right to feel aggrieved about it. Just because she helps you with childcare does not give her a licence to do whatever she likes in you home and does not mean you lose your right to privacy with regard to your bedroom. Of course that you have a good relationship with her makes it difficult to say anything and perhaps not worth it for such a 'minor' matter, but helping with childcare does not mean you should put up and shut up so to speak.

YANBU we have the same MIL. Mine thinks our house is her house. She knows best. She does exactly what you have described and buys awful little items etc for our home. She prefaces all interfering with "I won't interfere let me know if this bothers you." When I have, and told her to not bother washing my pants and rearranging my wardrobe she has continued to do so and/ or cries to DH who thinks she is the oracle. I've given up but sadly now resent her a lot and it's strained our relationship massively. I can't bear her in my home as she won't act like a normal guest she runs about like the maid. Watching with interest for advice.

She can't win for losing can she.

I also don't think grandparents looking after grandchildren at their own request exactly equates to "free childcare", which implies the grandparents are doing parents a huge favour. In all cases I know it is equally beneficial to both, if not more beneficial to and demanded by grandparents.

She probably rearranges things because she gets bored. Looking after very young children , after you have brought up your own, is not always ideal, however much you love your own children and grandchildren. Talking from experience. She is not a mind reader and thinks she is helping. You must pick your battles. She thought about you as a priority when you were ill and she is not always going to say the right thing. Somehow you are children to her too. Don't take it personally. You will feel the same. You know your children are grown up but you still feel protective towards them like no other people.

Does she rearrange things in other people's homes too or just yours? Yes, thought so.

Next time you go to hers doing the same. Haul her sofa across the room, bring out a black bin liner and start chucking her things and replacing them, and when she says (correctly) "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" smile sweetly and say: "I'm helping you."

I see where you are coming from OP. I am in the exact same situation, albeit with my mother who is the most selfless and helpful grandmother ever. But she is a bit of a busy body. I sometimes make fun of her in a affectionate manner and suggest other things that I would actually really appreciate instead of doing random stuff that she notices but I don't ( the backdrop of much of her random helping is that she knows how to run a house better than I do. Which is true.)

I think the tough thing about this is that the help is sometimes more about herself than me. But given that the vast majority of the time it really is about me and my family I take a deep breath,give her a hug and say: you are odd but I love you.

savelli sounds like we do have very similar MILs. Really rings home about the not being 'normal guest' thing. I really hope my relationship doesn't become strained with mine because of this.
But as fishface correctly pointed out, DP definitely does care more about keeping his DM happy than me, even if she is blatantly in the wrong. If I bring things up with him he often becomes very defensive of her (which I can understand to a point, she is his Mum after all) but it's every time and he NEVER sympathises with me on anything, just says 'you know what she's like' etc etc or gets annoyed at me and makes out like I'm unecessarily slagging his mother off which I'm very careful not to do! I guess if I felt I had more support from him I would feel more comfortable being more upfront with MIL, as at least I'd know DP would back me up. Sadly though I know he wouldn't.