To think MILs 'help' is a step too far?

[Ramona87]

My MIL and I get on well and whilst she has some ways that I find strange and sometimes annoying I've never (and would never) vocalise this to her as would hate to offend her. I can talk to her about most things and we go generally have a relatively close relationship.
Bit of background, MIL and FIL look after my DS twice a week in our home when I'm at work part time which I'm extremely grateful for and DS loves the pair of them dearly. MIL takes it upon herself to help out, doing ironing, changing bins, often rearranging our furniture so that it is 'less cluttered', or replacing random items in our home for things she feels are better. Whilst I am appreciative of the sentiment I often feel that some of this 'help' is not her place to do. And she should respect us and our choices about our home a little more, regardless of her own opinion.
So a few days ago I came home from work really ill, I'd gotten that Norovirus and was vomiting and the other thing. They were at home with DS and kindly told me to go and have a lie down upstairs and they would stay until they normally would a few hours later when DP got in from work, so I gratefully did this. The day after was my day off anyway, but MIL again kindly offered to help out if I wasn't feeling good, and said she was picking her other DGD (DPs niece) up from school (which is in our town, she lives around 45 mins away) so she would be around anyway. The next morning after she text me to ask if I needed her to take DS out for an hour or so before she picked other DGD up from school I accepted, on the premise that she wouldn't be making a special trip. She turned up and immediately said she had cancelled picking up other grandson from school incase she passed anything onto him, and brought with her anti bacterial surface and floor wipes, bleach, and hand sanitiser. I thanked her for this and was grateful for her help. She then said she had brought some of her own bedding and towels from her own cupboard to replace ours with, and that she was going to take our current ones back home with her to wash. Again I thanked her but told her we did have other bedding so was no need for us to use hers, and that washing it ourselves was no problem, but she insisted and took all of the towels from our bathroom and started stripping my bed. As I knew she was trying to help I just allowed her to do it. She then started saying our bedding needed throwing out and we needed new ones, and commenting on the fact that 'you don't change your bedding very often- I do mine twice a week, so I don't mind helping'. I was mortified. I felt so embarrassed that she was passing judgement on our bedding, and find it odd that she even goes into our bedroom enough to notice how often we change it. It was obvious I felt offended and she said "hope I'm not interfering" to which I bit my tongue and told her she was not. But the more I think about it the more I think this is the equivalent of me going to a family members or friends house, and cleaning saying "you don't clean enough and I don't mind doing it", I feel it's insulting despite her intention to 'help'. She is a very fussy woman who has a tendency to go over the top, she always says things like "I just have to help people" but I feel sometimes it's not a help at all it's a bit backhanded. Or am I being over sensitive and whingey?!

I'd just ask her not to move the furniture as you like it the way it is, and please don't throw away things without asking, as they might be something I'm particularly attached to.

The "bedroom is personal space" line is a good one to take imo.

I'd bloody love someone to come and clear out my cupboards and stuff. They all need a damn good scrub and I can't be arsed. And as for my cutlery drawer - there's so much detritus in there you could probably plant potatoes in it. But then I'm an unashamed slattern when it comes to the these things and I'd rather walk the dog/read a book/cut the grass/do practically anything rather than housework.

I did remove some cobwebs from the kitchen ceiling the other day. Two days later, the bloody spiders had replaced them all. I'm not bothering with that again.

Only me that noticed MIL brought anti bacterial stuff when the OP has a virus?

I would maybe say to her, once she's recovered, that you appreciate her help but you wish you'd said to her at the time that she should leave your bedding at your house, but because you were ill you weren't thinking straight. You can then go on to say you have thought about what she said about interfering.... and take it from there.

I'd be really annoyed with someone rearranging my furniture or replacing items in my house for things they preferred. That's not on.

That's before you even consider the 'you don't change your bedding very often' comment!

I don't mind falling out with busybody types, so I'd be likely to just be blunt about it, but you could say mildly 'MIL, please stop moving the furniture around; it's not yours to rearrange, is it?' and 'MIL, thank you so much for your help with the washing etc, but I have to say that how often I change my bedding is MY business.'

And I would definitely not be apologetic about it and say anything like 'I know our house isn't perfect and it's a bit cluttered and disorganised/imperfect.' Bollocks to that.

If she sulks or shouts or anything, then it will show that her intentions are not necessarily innocent.

Get your DH on board too. How convenient for him that he doesn't 'notice' the things that are happening.

It rings so true about some older generation women who are 'traditional homemakers'. My MIL is certainly that. We are worlds apart in what we deem to be important. I don't want to spend my entire life cleaning and looking after other people. But I do want my space and my privacy. We lived with my MIL when my DS was born for 6 months. It was very difficult as I felt suffocated but was also stuck until our circumstances changed and we could find our own home. We moved to a new country.

We found our own home and theybadore our kids but she will come in and clean the house, take up slack my DH doesn't want to bother with. All helpful. I felt quite undermined and in a relationship with my MIL! No thanks.

I felt undermined and irritated by the continual presence. Nobody wants to see their MIL 7 days a week, surely?

I do the childcare now. I decide what we eat for dinner. I decide how the kids are dressed. I decide how they are schooled. And its to our standards. And grandma is free to be grandma. As it should be

the people who think you should be thanking her for throwing away your belongings are probably the same ones who think you're bullying her if you don't let her watch you give birth

Looking after the kids is both a horrible task that can only be repaid with throwing someone else's belongings away because you don't like them, but also it's every grandma's godgiven right that only a demon from hell would ever get in the way of

if you took these people's advice, put him in paid childcare, and didn't also have another 2 days in the week where they could watch him, then you'd still be the baddie. Ignore them

Ah, so you have raised this with your DP but he either doesn't want to address it with his mother or fix it himself so he sees it as an easy option to disregard your opinion on the overstepping

...or, as I suspect is most likely the case, he literally doesn't care.

Put a lock on your bedroom door and use it so she can't go inspecting your sheets. If she keeps changing the same things around although you move them back and you don't see her to mention it, put a little note on whichever item it is saying "MiL, we like this chair where it is, please don't move it."

We do actually have professional childcare aswell. DS goes to nursery two days a week, PIL have him the other two days. Before I came back of maternity leave MIL insisted on having him the full 4 days but I refused as she is an older lady and I felt this was far too much and would obviously massively take over her life. As a compromise we agreed two days. Tbh we would massively struggle paying the 4 days a week so we are very grateful, but MIL would be very very offended if I told her we were going to put him in nursery for 4 days, especially as she knows our financial situation, and I couldn't blame her.
As for the tradition homemaker thing, I think this is a lot of it. Although MIL used to be a nurse, and often uses this as her reason for 'wanting to look after people' but I know lots of nurses who aren't like this. I think it's more the fact that she has always done everything for FIL, as her mother did for her husband. It's only since I've had DS that I've realised how much she thinks of DP and his DSis like children even though they're both in their 30s.
DO doesn't care about the furniture rearranging no. He's had a whole lifetime to get used to things like this so most things goes over his head and he shrugs them off. I'm still hoping I reach the same level at some point!

DP*

Ramona you say she still sees them as children. I suspect this extends to you too.

You mention in you OP that you can talk to her about most things. Do you? Do you confide in her, seek her advice on matters child/home related and act on it? Because it seems to me that (intended or not) she has gradually taken the position of "adult" i.e. person in charge and you by default become, well, the child. Less capable than her, in need of her assistance.

Now that you're starting to see this as an issue I'd suggest being a little more circumspect in what you discuss with her or invite her opinions about. Again, it's about boundaries. Mil isn't going to introduce them so you need to.

SaveMeBarry - spot on

I look after my grandson a lot, depending on my daughter's work schedule and her husband's. At one stage i had him every day for 10 weeks while she was on a placement ( twice!) I also did her housework for her as she asked me to. However there were things that she hadn't asked me to do ( cleaning windows and her cooker) that i did whilst the little one was asleep. She was always very pleased! She has different housework standards than me , probably because I made them do it regularly when they were kids; in fact one of my children said when she left home she was never gonna use polish ever again, and i don't think she has!
My mum was a bit slap dash regarding housework hence why I think I'm a bit the other way. It's perhaps an age thing with your mil, as parents want to help in the best way they think it's helpful and this is her way?
I would never move stuff or chuck stuff out tho, that's taking it a bit far.
My daughter doesn't work in the school holidays so I won't be having him so much, I'm available to hire! Lol

I have a similar mother in law without the childcare though. She too was a nurse (for about 10 minutes nearly 50 years ago- which means she is a medical expert). When we bought our house she gave my DH money which we didn't need and i wanted to refuse it DP wouldn't because it would cause a fuss and all his siblings had accepted the same amount of money when they bought their houses. When we moved in sure enough she left herself in (key for emergencies) and rearranged things and bought boxes and boxes of minds stuff from her own kids and grandchildren. I went mad at the letting in and my DH talked to her on that. With the rearranging i change it back every time (she literally rearranges my plant pots every time she comes!). With all the boxes of children's stuff. I went through everything and used what i wanted (about 25%) and stored the rest. Now her other daughter is pregnant and i have had such joy giving all the boxes of stuff back. Tonnes of it. Bide your time, what is meant kindly is ok, may make sure you are happy too and 'return the favour' if you get an opportunity.

saveme oh yes she definitely sees herself as the 'adult' and we 'need' her help. I do often confide in her about things and yes it probably adds to the whole thing of her feeling this way. I set myself up with the bedding comment tbh as I said "I usually struggle changing a king size duvet cover myself as I'm so little", I have to get DP to help me with the other side" and she responded with "oh so is that why you don't change it often then?"
She has in the past disregarded things I've asked her to do/told her about DS and I've felt as though she thinks 'her way' is better. I disagree as 'her way' tends to be making a rod for her own back (and therefore mine- although DS tends to play up for MIL so I think he's onto it). I do find it a lot easier to confront these types of things, maybe because I'm DS's DM and know that I know him best and have more of a protective thing over this.
That being said there is so much she does do that is so great and honestly the good outweighs the bad. I just strive for the day where I think 'f*ck it' and let her get on with it. I know it won't always be this way.
Thanks washbaskets I'll consider your offer!

She's very rude and controlling. You need to put back all the things she has moved and changed otherwise she'll think you like it! She sounds very annoying and yanbu. X

She's controlling you because she saves you so much moolah on child care etc. She has you over a barrel. Put up and shut up or find alternative child care - all depends what your priorities are.

And I do NOT envy you unlike most others on here. Think it's shit.

My mil says stupid insensitive stuff sometimes. I ignore it and do what I want. Problem solved.

It's clear you both think very highly of one another, but she is very definitely overstepping the mark and it does need addressing.

This will not improve, and your relationship with her is being put at risk, if you do not speak up. She may be upset at first, but she will be more upset if you eventually combust when you come home to find your knickers ironed and vibrator polished.

Flisspaps!

You're not wrong though. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

These threads always have loads of people piling in to say how much they'd love a MIL like this. All I can say is be careful what you wish for...

We had v similar with MIL when DD was little. Yes she did childcare one day a week but it was her suggestion and I actually preferred it on the days DD went to nursery and paid the going rate.

Psychological trauma doesn't even begin to explain it when a MIL is "helpful".

Op I fully sympathise...I'd be exactly the same as you. I really struggle with confrontation, this situation would make my blood boil. Can your DH have a chat with her? It might be easier coming from him. The first time my MIL came to our new house after we spent months renovating before we moved in..she criticised EVERYTHING...the colours, the furniture, the photos, even suggested we turn our corner sofa into two separate sofas and wondered why she rarely got an invite!

She sounds amazing like my DM and MIL i love it and wouls gladly take all help i could get! I have a superking bed which is a pain to change alone so if MIL wanted to help me change mine twice a week and wash it i would love that!

She sounds like my mum.

As far as my mum's concerned, there's one way to do things with regard to cleaning / tidying / arranging a house, and that's her way. There's also definite criticism if we reject offers of help - "well, if you like living in a pigsty that's up to you" sort of comments.

I know she means well, just wants to help etc etc. But it can get very wearing to have to be constantly dealing with unsolicited "help". Especially when mum and I have different ideas of what my top priority should be.

This would drive me bonkers. The childcare may be free now, but it will come at a price as your PIL become older and less able. Be very careful. You're massively beholden. Seen it all before.

CP I have to disagree. My in laws have always lived nearby and my mil was just like this with doing intrusive jobs around the house, unasked. In those pre MN days I didn't know I had any say in the matter. There was almost no childcare attached to all this.

They basically thought that as the older people they knew best about everything and that includes all four siblings.

We are all now in our fifties and they are late eighties. They need a large amount of help and support from us all and it's semi expected particularly from the daughters. MIL is still a world expert on everything under the sun and FIL still amazed that I can drive a car proficiently.

So you will either be expected to help later or not regardless of how much childcare they give you. Most people do help because that's life and that's family.

She is overstepping the boundaries and playing house. You have to say something each time quietly but firmly. 'Thanks but we are old enough to decide when to change the bedding.' ' Oh, I'm sorry but could you put the sofa back where it was, I prefer it where it was?'

If she's that desperate to be helpful leave some obvious jobs out for her or ask her jokingly if she'd like a list. Always caveat with a very grateful 'of course, only if you have time and want to do something rather than put your feet up which you deserve.'