WIBU to tell my team members they must attend this leaving do?

[regenerator]

Ok, I know I would be but I do feel I would be justified in raising the matter.

We are a small team in a larger organisation and one of our team members is leaving having been with us for almost 5 years. Everyone was positive about going out to say goodbye, and we usually go out as a team at Christmas/when someone leaves etc - we don't socialise a lot but mark occasions and always have a good time when we do. Organising a date for a 'do' was hard as we are all busy people, but we finally got one that suited everyone.

We decided to have the meal in a location about 30 minutes drive from where we work, which is nearer to where leaving girl lives. Aside from one person, no one lives in the town we work in, so there is no 'obvious' location we could go to that would suit everyone.

The day after we settled on a date, the management of our organisation announced that there would be a 'summer party' held on the same date in our place of work - a licenced bar, buffet etc. Two of our team members immediately started saying they would like to go to that and leaving girl immediately started trying to accommodate them, suggesting other dates etc. None were any good and they said they would go to the staff do for an hour or so and then come to the leaving do.

However, the leaving girl feels it isn't fair to expect them to come as, with the distance, if they don't have a meal it won't be worth the time spent to get there - neither of them wants to drive, which is obviously fair enough. She has left it with them and nothing has been said for a day or so and she has said to me, sadly, not sulkily or in a flounce, that she may just 'leave it'.

I feel so bad for her as she has been a great person to work with and a friend and now may leave without it being marked. I also feel these two were incredibly rude to go back on plans made and would like to gently point this out. I get that, for one reason or another, they both know a lot more people in the wider organisation than the rest of our team does, so that's why they want to go to the summer party. But...no one else is leaving, they can go to any number of occasions with their other friend. Our colleague is leaving and we probably won't see her again. It may well be that they don't realise how she is feeling...

WIBU to do that? I am the manager of the team, if it matters.

YABU. It's not your place, manager or not, to tell people what to do in their own time. Seriously, unless you are all in a close out of work social friendship outside of work, in which case you wouldn't need a leaving do since you'd continue to see each other socially anyway, you are well overstepping your authority no matter how gently you raise it. I think the whole thing sounds pretty 'forced' in the first place given the difficulty, even before the summer party arose, of arranging a date convenient to all. And pps are right if it means traveling 30 minutes out of people's way, it's already a bit of a chore after work. I wouldn't relish it when I can just get a nice card, gift and arrange to meet up for coffee with the leaver sometime. You also say you can't arrange a lunch, sure you can, do it on a weekend if you're that invested. Otherwise, let it go, you and your other coworker go as arranged and let the others do whatever they want.

The person leaving obviously means something to you. I get that. Someone on my team has bevome my best friend. I have never been such good friends with someone as I have been at work. If she left I would want to do something special.

However, this person is probably just a colleague for the two other people on your team. A well liked colleague. But a colleague. They probably want to go to a party and chat to people who will still be their colleagues the following monday.

Forcing your team to do events is never going to happen. And if it could, monday after the leaving do, this woman will be gone. And half of your remaining team will be pissed off with you.

If you raise with them, you will piss them off. Half of your team will lose respect for you.

Neither of them will have a good time. The womans who is leaving wont. And yiu could end up with someone raising a complaint about you.

Honestly it doesnt matter if its rude to back out or not. This is work. Your relatiomship finishes when you finish work. They have no obligation. Especially when this person will be leaving and that realtionship will not exist for them after that day.

Go for lunch near to work for the person who's leaving. Then finish off the leaving 'do' at the work summer party.

I wouldn't go to an after work event 30 minutes' drive from work, and it's unreasonable to expect, let alone attempt to compel, your team to do so.

Op you keep saying how awful the summer party is going to be, but clearly these women do want to go (or they want an excuse to get out of the leaving do). Which is it likely to be?

Yes IABU. I was riled last night and still am, but I feel sad about it.

I do wish people wouldn't keep saying there's free booze as there isn't , but regardless these women want to go to it so that's that .

As to how the plan was made, in retrospect I can see how these two might have felt it was something that suited some of us more than them, and thinking about it, they may be planning to stay overnight with someone from another department having enjoyed the (not free) booze.

As to why another colleague and I don't want to go - for me it means organising childcare with my twat of an ex, just to sit in a stuffy room not drinking at all than driving back. Obviously there will be people to chat to, but zero atmosphere. With the other do, I still had twatface to deal with, but would have had a good time. I have also had to deal with a lot of things from senior management this year (I have managed to protect the team from most of the shit and they aren't aware of it all) which also makes me less than enthusiastic about going, and, as I said, it's really not a corporate place and there's no expectation to go.

As I said, a couple of the other people (inc my deputy and the leaving woman) feel the same. But the others don't and it's understandable. They have had a different experience.

I do think they're rude, but, no, I'm mot their mum, and the 'note' above made me laugh and cry (a tiny bit) because that's how I'm coming across.

The leaving woman is sad about it, but she will have to suck it up and maybe we can meet over the summer when she has already left? At the moment, it's awkward as she has left it with them and it hasn't been mentioned (but one was out of the dept a lot yesterday anyway). Would I be so UR to ask (gently but NOT passive aggressively - whatever I sound like, I can be a nice normal human and have done my job for years and had harmonious teams and not made it worse when they haven't been!) if they have made up their minds yet, and see how they feel, if they were pissed off about the venue we chose, and sort of open up a discussion about it? Whatever it sounds like, we are a close team and her leaving will be different from anyone who has left in the time she was here if it ends like this. 5 years is quite a long time for someone at her level here.

You're being unprofessional here. If you are a manager you need to be more dispassionate and objective. Team effectiveness is what is key not social niceties. Be careful or you could end up creating bigger problems in your team long after this woman has gone. Focus on the bigger picture.

I too think you have overstepped the mark in trying to organise this in the first place.

This is something staff should be organising amongst themselves and you as a boss ( if lucky ) get an invite).

I may come across as being high handed and controlling to be organising someone's leaving do.

As a boss there will be undertones and issues within the team ( perhaps even about you) that you are not aware of.
This is what happens when you are a boss.
I am sure you have a happy team, but even the happiest of teams will have some issues about the mechanics of work style, your leadership style, their job.
This is normal.

Staff rarely leave for all positive happy reasons. Ok if it is retirement or such like, but people usually move on because there is an element of dissatisfaction in their current position. So in my experience there is usually an element of relief or sadness or other negative emotion when leaving a job.
Other staff may be more aware of that than you.

I would chalk it up as a learning exercise.

You are management, you like to think you lead a happy team, I am sure there is an element of truth to that. But you are the boss, and you will never have the full picture because of that.
So stay out or organising your staff's social lives.
You are not a Brownie pack leader.

No, yoi shouldn't. i think you can ask them if they have made up their minds yet.

But not why they dont want to go. You are making this so awkward and uncomfortable.

I dont mean this to sound rude, but are you new to being a manager?

Why can't this leaving meal just be organised on a different date?

Or, I've got a great original idea!.... you could all go out for lunch!

Great update OP and fair play. But yes, it would still BU to ask. They want to go to the work do. Nothing good is going to come of it if you do. Seriously, what positives do you anticipate if you do ask them? And then consider potential negatives. Bear in mind some of us have said we'd complain if you did.

Instead, redesign. Cake and fizz/naice juice late afternoon if need be.

No, don't say that to them! Really. And it's very clear they don't wish to go to a meal.

Just seek to do something nice for leaving woman.

They were not rude. Sounds like they felt obliged to do the meal 30 miles away but didn't actually want to. In a work context a corporate do clashing is a decent reason for them to pull out. You are the one being rude by pushing it.

Why can you not do a leaving lunch or collect some money to give her a nice present and a card?

Just because you work with someone doesn't mean you're friends. The likelihood is they'll never see her again. A bit of a whip round and a nice cake should suffice. Why all this forced get togetherness? People can choose what they want to do in their own time. I would back off, you're not their boss out of work.

Op I can understand how you feel but you are overstepping your professional mark and projecting your own issues on to your team. Nobody likes forced jollity and tbh if your team were that bothered they'd be talking about re-arranging things to fit. They're not so you should maybe take that hint? Just because a night out in a city suits you doesn't mean it suits everyone and you just have to accept that.

Well if you can't go out for lunch & you can't stay in for lunch, and you can't have cake, and you can't go any other time before she leaves, and you can't incorporate it within the work do (which is so terrible that people prefer it to the leaving do!) and there won't be enough people going to the existing leaving do then I guess there won't be a leaving do. I could suggest a catch-up meal after she's left (though not convinced they work) but there will probably be a reason that can't happen either.
Oh, and you are being unreasonable thinking about insisting they go.

OP has explained that due to the nature of the team's work a team lunch isn't an option.

And way too invested too.

But she's been there 5 years, she's not leaving after 55years of service after founding the company

It might be longer than average but it's work and your team are colleagues, not friends. They're there to work, not be forced to play nicely together in their own time with their own cash (that they'll be paying tax on).

If you want a bash for your team, do it properly and professionally and optionally and focusing on the ones remaining... Not a leaver you happen to like.

Sorry, yabu. Make a fuss of her on the day, take her out for lunch (ask team members who would like to come asap). She's totally cool with it and empathises so imo so should you.

Give up OP, you can't dictate how people spend their free time outside of work.

They have freedom of choice and they've made their choice, so leave it be.

If lunch isn't an option, then as someone else said, arrange a lovely breakfast or nice buffet food for the afternoon etc.

IN all honestly if you dictated to me that I had to attend an event outside of my working hours, I not even politely tell you to to sweet FO.

YOU cannot tell people what to do in there free time, they are free to do as they choose outside of working hours. To even think that you can tell people to do this, you really need to take yourself down a peg or two!

I'd want to go to the summer party.

I don't see why she can't just do her leaving do at that, apart from she doesn't want to.

But yeah, lunch or day before.

Thank-you for the update, regenerator I'm sure whatever you as a team are able to put on for the person leaving will be appreciated. After that, I hope you can have a really nice night out away from all the work issues.