WIBU to tell my team members they must attend this leaving do?

[regenerator]

Ok, I know I would be but I do feel I would be justified in raising the matter.

We are a small team in a larger organisation and one of our team members is leaving having been with us for almost 5 years. Everyone was positive about going out to say goodbye, and we usually go out as a team at Christmas/when someone leaves etc - we don't socialise a lot but mark occasions and always have a good time when we do. Organising a date for a 'do' was hard as we are all busy people, but we finally got one that suited everyone.

We decided to have the meal in a location about 30 minutes drive from where we work, which is nearer to where leaving girl lives. Aside from one person, no one lives in the town we work in, so there is no 'obvious' location we could go to that would suit everyone.

The day after we settled on a date, the management of our organisation announced that there would be a 'summer party' held on the same date in our place of work - a licenced bar, buffet etc. Two of our team members immediately started saying they would like to go to that and leaving girl immediately started trying to accommodate them, suggesting other dates etc. None were any good and they said they would go to the staff do for an hour or so and then come to the leaving do.

However, the leaving girl feels it isn't fair to expect them to come as, with the distance, if they don't have a meal it won't be worth the time spent to get there - neither of them wants to drive, which is obviously fair enough. She has left it with them and nothing has been said for a day or so and she has said to me, sadly, not sulkily or in a flounce, that she may just 'leave it'.

I feel so bad for her as she has been a great person to work with and a friend and now may leave without it being marked. I also feel these two were incredibly rude to go back on plans made and would like to gently point this out. I get that, for one reason or another, they both know a lot more people in the wider organisation than the rest of our team does, so that's why they want to go to the summer party. But...no one else is leaving, they can go to any number of occasions with their other friend. Our colleague is leaving and we probably won't see her again. It may well be that they don't realise how she is feeling...

WIBU to do that? I am the manager of the team, if it matters.

[LaurieMarlow]

There's something about the tone you've taken on this thread with those who disagree with you - more interested in calling out things that are 'silly', 'irrelevant', 'irritating' than listening to the bigger points they're making - that makes me think you're not an easy person to reason with or agree mutually beneficial solution.

So I wonder how much input your team actually had in the plans for the leaving do? Or did you just decide what you wanted, expressed it fairly forcefully and they nodded along, knowing there wasn't much point arguing?

I may be completely wrong of course. I haven't anything to go on apart from what I see on this thread.

It may be worth thinking about. Or not.

I'm glad you aren't going to raise it with them and I hope everyone has a nice evening, no matter how it pans out.

[ParanoidBeryl]

What sort of manager do you see yourself as?

I suspect you are very person orientated, and you are therefore very invested in the idea that everyone should work well together as a team. The fact that you want everyone to go out for a leaving do, and that you feel it is of importance to protect your team from some of the recent management changes suggests that. Do you think that your identity is one of a manager of a cohesive team? Is that important to how you think of yourself?

If that is the case, and I recognise I don't know you, but only going by your posts, I think it can be hard to accept when other people aren't so invested in team harmony and relationships.

It doesn't make them worse, just different. It might be worth thinking about, and may explain why you feel so let down by the other team members' decision not to go to the leaving do.

[Northernparent68]

If you tell your staff what they have to do outside work they are likely to make a complaint to HR

[TabascoToastie]

You need to stop looking at this from your perspective and start looking at it from their perspective.

You are making a pretty small thing that is really not even about you (co-workers don't want to go to another co-worker's social event) into a massive huge deal, and showing an odd level of anger and over-investment.

The way we come across to others is usually not how we see each other. To an entire group of strangers you are coming across as very pushy and inappropriately involved in your co-workers social plans. You may think of yourself as being non-pushy, but how can you be so sure your co-workers see you the way you see yourself, and not the way strangers who can only judge based on your own words see you?

If you've been a fraction as aggressive and demanding with the co-workers as you have been here, I doubt they felt they could comfortably refuse.

[ParanoidBeryl]

I've been reflecting on this thread. I have been a manager of various teams for over 20 years. In all of that time, I can't recall ever organising a leaving do for someone in my team. It's something that the other team members generally do amongst themselves, and I might go along for a bit.

The usual format is a late lunch / early dinner and those who want to stay out for longer and have a few drinks do so. There are often also buns and coffee at some point during the day for those who aren't going out, and also for any speeches (who wants to sit in a restaurant and listen to another table giving speeches?)

It would be rare that any leaving do is organised for the evening. I have never, ever, travelled 30 miles to go to a leaving do, nor would I.

If people are leaving, it's nice to wish them luck, sign a card, put a couple of quid in an envelope, but tbh, no-one really cares that much beyond that. I really struggle to understand why you care that much, because it really isn't the norm.

Have you organised the collection for a leaving present?

I also think that your plan of coming in the next day to show photos of the night out is divisive and PA. The only time I have ever been shown photos after an office night out was when the group bumped into a celeb and they got photos taken. Otherwise, I would be thinking 'why, just why?'

I know you may feel you have had a hard time on this thread, but it might be worth trying to reflect on your management style. The impression you give from your posts is over-invested in friendships, pushy, a lack of recognition of autonomy & diverse views, over-involved and controlling. I also think you seem to be taking people's wish to do other things as a sign of personal rejection.

Good management technique isn't something that people just have. It is something that people develop over years, sometimes through painful experience, but also from observing, maturing, studying the theory, and CPD. I also find an informal network of people at a similar level really useful to sound things out. Do you have the opportunity for networking or mentoring from other senior staff?

[ParanoidBeryl]

Correction - not to show photos, but to share stories.

[Mymouthgetsmeintrouble]

What about an office buffet lunch with cake and leaving cards / presents on her last day of work, no one has to travel and everyone is already there

[bbcessex]

OP... your 2 team members want to go to the company event that was announced the day after they'd committed to the leaving do.

They can't rearrange the company event but they can rearrange the leaving do (date). Do that.

DO NOT 'gently ' reprimand or suggest anything other than that.. your management style is coming across in need of refreshing.

[user1476869312]

Sounds like the rest of your team don't care for you or the woman who is leaving and you don't care for them. Why don't you take your mate out for a nice dinner instead of going to the staff party? Then everyone will be happy.

[gillybeanz]

I like being nice, courteous and friendly to colleagues during work hours.
Quite a lot socialise outside work for leavers or birthdays.
No way, would I go and you'd be told to Fuck off if you started preaching that I had to go.
There is no contract anywhere that says you are expected to socialise with colleagues in your free time.
Do you have any management qualifications as this is level 2 / GCSE stuff.

[bbcessex]

Sorry OP.. didn't see your update. Glad you've calmed down .. night time is always the worst lens to look through!

[RortyCrankle]

I suggested up thread that you change the date of the leaving do - why does it have to be on one specific day?