WIBU to tell my team members they must attend this leaving do?

[regenerator]

Ok, I know I would be but I do feel I would be justified in raising the matter.

We are a small team in a larger organisation and one of our team members is leaving having been with us for almost 5 years. Everyone was positive about going out to say goodbye, and we usually go out as a team at Christmas/when someone leaves etc - we don't socialise a lot but mark occasions and always have a good time when we do. Organising a date for a 'do' was hard as we are all busy people, but we finally got one that suited everyone.

We decided to have the meal in a location about 30 minutes drive from where we work, which is nearer to where leaving girl lives. Aside from one person, no one lives in the town we work in, so there is no 'obvious' location we could go to that would suit everyone.

The day after we settled on a date, the management of our organisation announced that there would be a 'summer party' held on the same date in our place of work - a licenced bar, buffet etc. Two of our team members immediately started saying they would like to go to that and leaving girl immediately started trying to accommodate them, suggesting other dates etc. None were any good and they said they would go to the staff do for an hour or so and then come to the leaving do.

However, the leaving girl feels it isn't fair to expect them to come as, with the distance, if they don't have a meal it won't be worth the time spent to get there - neither of them wants to drive, which is obviously fair enough. She has left it with them and nothing has been said for a day or so and she has said to me, sadly, not sulkily or in a flounce, that she may just 'leave it'.

I feel so bad for her as she has been a great person to work with and a friend and now may leave without it being marked. I also feel these two were incredibly rude to go back on plans made and would like to gently point this out. I get that, for one reason or another, they both know a lot more people in the wider organisation than the rest of our team does, so that's why they want to go to the summer party. But...no one else is leaving, they can go to any number of occasions with their other friend. Our colleague is leaving and we probably won't see her again. It may well be that they don't realise how she is feeling...

WIBU to do that? I am the manager of the team, if it matters.

[Flyinggeese]

OP I think you need to step right back from this and let people do what they want. You can't control what adults decide to do with their free time, and I wouldn't even try.

If enough people genuinely want to go to both dos then can the leaving night out be rearranged?

[Floggingmolly]

Of course you can't. Why would you even try? You can't legally force them to attend a function outside working hours, and you'll piss them off so badly at the mere suggestion that you'd try that I literally can't get my head around you even entertaining the thought?

[LaurieMarlow]

I'm laughing a bit at the idea that five years isn't long enough to merit much effort being made.

In my industry five years is LONG time to stay in one place.

[Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake]

No idea why everyone keeps suggesting lunch when op has made it clear they can't do a lunch event.
Op I'm clearly in a minority but I think yanbu, I think they are being rude and hurtful but I do agree that you can't insist on their attendance you can only try to reason with them.

[regenerator]

LaurieMarlow It's not nit-picking when I've clearly said we can't do anything at lunch and hordes of people are suggesting lunch. It's fucking irritating. We don't eat at the same time, there's no time to go out and, basically, lunch is a no-go. And the party is not a ball, has no free booze and no access to outdoors. Think rolls and warm cans in a room with no air-con. Explains why 3 of us, not just me, don't want to go.

It's possible that I may not be as 'angry management' in rl as I sound here. I think it's rude, rude, rude. We've done similar nights out in the past btw.

[regenerator]

The op said bringing in food to work at lunch time isn't possible but didn't mention going out for lunch

FFS!

[Flyinggeese]

Also you say you (the team) probably won't see her again. I take it that this is not a friendship, more a colleague everyone likes?

I wouldn't fall over myself to attend something like that, compared to a wider company function.

[scottishdiem]

Going by the original title "WIBU to tell my team members they must attend this leaving do?" - given that there is no employment law that you can possibly use to force people to do this, then yes you are being unreasonable.

I agree that the staff members were involved were rude but there were mitigating circumstances in terms of a new thing being announced the next day but I would make the best of a bad situation and have the leaving celebrations at the staff summer party. Leaving cakes are the norms at two of my previous places of work.

[LaurieMarlow]

I just think you need to read the (whole) room and move on.

The party is clearly attractive to some, even if you can't see it.

You're very, very invested in this. And coming across as more than a little controlling.

[WankYouForTheMusic]

If the party is genuinely going to be as crap as all that, either seeing the other people there is particularly important or your planned send off is not as much to everyone's liking as you thought. I'm still interested to hear how 'we' agreed it all actually.

[scottishdiem]

Take what you were going to spend on a night out and have a private party in a meeting room with stuff brought in by caterers. Have a nice wee pre-staff party party.

[MrsDustyBusty]

It's possible that I may not be as 'angry management' in rl as I sound here. I think it's rude, rude, rude.

Obviously I don't know you and you could be the absolute craic in reality, but I'm feeling no commitment to a good time from your comments about this night out. It sounds like a depressing chore led by what you reckon all these people owe your friend. Personally, I suspect they only agreed to stop the badgering and never had any intention of going.

[regenerator]

No attending the work do won't take out the transport issue - we will all have to drive there whereas in the city there is public transport.

I get I can't tell them to go (I knew that anyway) but I'm still annoyed and many posters on here are guilty in a twisted sort of way of what a lot of OPs on AIBU are often accused of - not taking on board any of the details offered and just repeating useless advice/ ideas over and over, despite having been told they're not relevant.

I'm going to raise it but very gently...

[WankYouForTheMusic]

Go on then OP, you raise it. It'll definitely go really well.

[ChildishGambino]

Rah rah rah! YABU.

[LaurieMarlow]

Maybe the two in your team don't particularly like the colleague who's leaving. And have loads of mates going to the party.

I don't think it's particularly rude to push back on work/related social obligations outside of contracted hours. People give enough of their time and energy to work without being forced to give more, for people they may not have any great affection for.

[WillRikersExtraNipple]

I'm going to raise it but very gently

How you going to do that then?

[Theycalledmethewildrose]

You said you were a small team in a big organisation. Presumably some people on the team have worked in other departments. Sometimes 'dos' like this are a nice way to catch up with people you have previously worked with without having to 'organise' something formally especially as it sounds as if you work in an industrial estate away from anything 'local'.

TBH I think you as a 'manager' have an obligation to go to such events as the summer party and mingle and show you are not above it all, which is what is very much coming across in your posts

[unfortunateevents]

So you think it's acceptable to force your team into going to someone's leaving do but it's OK for you not to go to the company summer party? It doesn''t matter how crap you think it will be with lukewarm booze and no air con, it's still a work occasion! Let's hope that your line manager doesn't issue an edict to all his team members that they have to attend!

[LaurieMarlow]

I'm thanking my stars I don't work for you, tbh.

[MadMags]

You're going to raise it?

You can't do that!

[WankYouForTheMusic]

Aren't you worried your team will raise your conduct with your manager if you decide to do that OP? Especially as this is a work related function you're effectively saying you don't want them going to. I'll be honest, you'd be walking a pretty thin line with me there if you were my boss.

[regenerator]

I'll be honest, you'd be walking a pretty thin line with me there if you were my boss I'm not and I won't be. There is no obligation whatsoever to go to this thing and it won't reflect badly on me or anyone else who doesn't go. For obvious reasons I've been vague about the nature of my work, but people are barking up the wrong tree about it.

And I love that I have no right to question these women's actions but my boss can apparently force me to attend something in my own time - he won't but that's how people are talking.