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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell my team members they must attend this leaving do?

237 replies

regenerator · 05/07/2017 21:24

Ok, I know I would be but I do feel I would be justified in raising the matter.

We are a small team in a larger organisation and one of our team members is leaving having been with us for almost 5 years. Everyone was positive about going out to say goodbye, and we usually go out as a team at Christmas/when someone leaves etc - we don't socialise a lot but mark occasions and always have a good time when we do. Organising a date for a 'do' was hard as we are all busy people, but we finally got one that suited everyone.

We decided to have the meal in a location about 30 minutes drive from where we work, which is nearer to where leaving girl lives. Aside from one person, no one lives in the town we work in, so there is no 'obvious' location we could go to that would suit everyone.

The day after we settled on a date, the management of our organisation announced that there would be a 'summer party' held on the same date in our place of work - a licenced bar, buffet etc. Two of our team members immediately started saying they would like to go to that and leaving girl immediately started trying to accommodate them, suggesting other dates etc. None were any good and they said they would go to the staff do for an hour or so and then come to the leaving do.

However, the leaving girl feels it isn't fair to expect them to come as, with the distance, if they don't have a meal it won't be worth the time spent to get there - neither of them wants to drive, which is obviously fair enough. She has left it with them and nothing has been said for a day or so and she has said to me, sadly, not sulkily or in a flounce, that she may just 'leave it'.

I feel so bad for her as she has been a great person to work with and a friend and now may leave without it being marked. I also feel these two were incredibly rude to go back on plans made and would like to gently point this out. I get that, for one reason or another, they both know a lot more people in the wider organisation than the rest of our team does, so that's why they want to go to the summer party. But...no one else is leaving, they can go to any number of occasions with their other friend. Our colleague is leaving and we probably won't see her again. It may well be that they don't realise how she is feeling...

WIBU to do that? I am the manager of the team, if it matters.

OP posts:
CrowyMcCrowFace · 05/07/2017 23:20

Ok, for whatever reason you can't do anything at lunch time.

Still, people are sending you a clear message that they quite fancy warm rolls or whatever the evening function is.

If I were a member of your team, I'd be telling you to bugger off about now & messaging leaving colleague directly about going for a pint some time. Or not, if I'd not worked with her for the 5 years she's been part of the organisation - if I'd only joined 6 months ago, say, I wouldn't expect her to give a chuff if I kept in touch or not.

If I were the departing colleague I'd be horrified. Jeez. Buy me a bottle of wine & wish me godspeed by all means! Leaving do which involves layers of faff & people missing a company jolly they've expressed a preference for? I'd be dying a thousand deaths & about ready to smack you with the menu, OP.

Sorry - I get you mean well, but events have just overtaken you here.

MrsDustyBusty · 05/07/2017 23:20

You bet your awkward silence and 8.30 departure it is!

Loopytiles · 05/07/2017 23:22

Gotta love an OP who despite hordes of YABUs maintains she is NBU!

WankYouForTheMusic · 05/07/2017 23:25

Interesting that you respond to that post of mine OP having ignored all the ones asking for more info about how 'we' decided on these plans...

But anyway, no you're not my boss, but if you were and you decided to 'raise' with me my decision to attend a work event in my spare time, I can assure you you'd be on very thin ice. It's not your non attendance that would be the issue, just so it's clear. Think carefully about how certain you can be that none of your team think as MN do...

BadLad · 05/07/2017 23:27

Book a leaving stripogram to arrive at work for her

I do lunchtimes, and I'll throw in a discount if you book me for the evening work do as well.

Is moving the leaving do a couple of days earlier out of the question?

honeyroar · 05/07/2017 23:32

Yep, "gently" tell them that you're not happy with them and expect them to go to the leaving do - that will create a lovely atmosphere at her meal and a memorable evening for her!!

Better to go out for a nice meal with the people that actually want to go, and arrange to meet the two that want to go to the company party later on for drinks. You might not like the company parties but obviously they do.

Giraffey1 · 05/07/2017 23:35

YABU. All go to the summer party and have a presentation or whatever as an aside etc. You can still mark her departure, make her feel valued and appreciated and all enjoy the summer party. I can't see what all the fuss is about.

MJDinner · 05/07/2017 23:36

Yabu.
Very.

I would question your management abilities if you cannot see just how unreasonable you are being about people's free time, choice about whether they want to go etc

Yes it's a bit off to go to a "better" offer and back out of a prior commitment, but it's for a work function, not friends, you really should not be acting like this as a manager.

If you were one of mine I'd be giving YOU a chat about expectations for staff and probably coaching about good people management/morale a bit more closely. Sorry.

m0therofdragons · 05/07/2017 23:44

Just go for a drink immediately after work at the nearest place so everyone can walk across, drink, some stay for food then go home by 9pm? Or make the summer thing her leaving do - which would be fine except you don't want to go to that so it doesn't suit you.

Your office sounds hard work. She's been there 5 years not 50 😳

Pallisers · 05/07/2017 23:46

You want to piss off your whole team for the sake of someone who's already leaving?

This is it really. She is leaving. It is work. I've had very close work experiences but they aren't friends or family in the end. Do you really want to piss off existing workers for a leaving do for a woman who will barely remember you all in a few months and who sounds like she doesn't care much anyway?

You are not rearing children here - it doesn't matter if they should have better manners. They don't. so that is that.

Have a cake at work at a time the most people can stop by for a minute, leave a slice for everyone else. Forget the big going out.

ParanoidBeryl · 05/07/2017 23:47
Biscuit
MrsPorth · 06/07/2017 00:02

I'd be disappointed in her position, but I wouldn't want colleagues to feel coerced/obliged to attend.

SpareASquare · 06/07/2017 00:04

You are way over invested OP. When did leaving dos (lol) become so important? Or is this just someone you really really like? She's leaving, let her go. Nothing at all wrong with cake in the office. Better that than nothing. Kinda seems like you want your 'do' to be the best but no one really cares about it.
I do like how 'licensed bar and buffet' became rolls and warm beer lol

rolopolovolo · 06/07/2017 00:10

Dear team member 1 and team member 2.
You may think that this is none of my business but I'm an over invested mummy manager who doesn't understand what my job is... and you'd be right. I think it's to treat adults like children and make everyone play well together. I also think I know better than you what you like. I don't want to go to the summer party so you shouldn't. I also see your time out of work as something that is my business. I'm completely wrong but I don't know it. I'm going to ruin my own professional reputation and sew discord in my team because I don't have any reasonable professional boundaries. Don't worry - I know I can't force you but I'm going to try being passive-aggressive because apparently my well of professional mediation skills is a 1950s housekeeping guide I picked up at a museum! Anyway, if you don't agree to go to this party, you can go into time out! If not, I'll spank your bottoms!

Signed, desperately-needs-an-out-of-work-friend

jacks11 · 06/07/2017 00:11

Are they being rude to back out in favour of works do? Yes, I suppose they are, given your assertion that there will definitely not be an expectation they attend the work's party and no negative consequences to their not doing so.

However, as their manager you can't force them to go. I would suggest you don't bring it up either- it's not your job to tell your team members how to spend their free time. Even if they do attend after you've "gently" told them off for upsetting your friend/colleague, don't you think there will probably be a difficult atmosphere? Do you think that will be pleasant for the lady in question? surely that is more important than you making a point. Far better to rearrange the meal, or if that's not possible to do something yourself. Why can't her leaving do be incorporated into the works party in some way?

MidniteScribbler · 06/07/2017 00:12

I don't do leaving parties. The person is leaving, has moved on to green pastures, I'm never going to see them again, so why should I care?

Theycalledmethewildrose · 06/07/2017 00:16

Why can't her leaving do be incorporated into the works party in some way?

Because the OP and the other colleague who is leaving anyway don't want to go and the OP is throwing her rattle out of her pram in temper because she is the manager so they should all do as she says.

AntiGrinch · 06/07/2017 00:28

I think this, in a much earlier post, is key:

"Sorry, should have said that making the summer party her leaving thing would not work as she and two others of us have no desire to go to that whatsoever, for a number of reasons"

This is a work place with cliques and divisions. the OP is trying to make her clique the leading one.

This is all pathetic. Listen to the person leaving: she thinks she'll "leave it". In other words: find a way to celebrate her that isn't an arse-ache for everyone else, or accept that she won't get celebrated. Don't make this a stupid power trip.

noblegiraffe · 06/07/2017 00:35

There ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party because a Liz Lemon party is mandatory.

I once worked for a company that was pissed off no one wanted to go to the summer party (morale was terrible) so they made it in work hours and made it compulsory (annual leave requests were rejected). There was a barbecue and it rained. It was a bit Banksy's Dismal Land, as you might expect. You can't enforce a good time on people, they'll just resent it.

MaryTheCanary · 06/07/2017 00:37

Sorry, should have said that making the summer party her leaving thing would not work as she and two others of us have no desire to go to that whatsoever, for a number of reasons.

Can I ask why, though? Can those people really not just suck it up for an hour or so? It would be the most sensible solution.

cherish123 · 06/07/2017 00:46

You cannot tell people how to spend their own time no matter how sorry you feel for her or like her.

smurfit · 06/07/2017 00:57

Yes - you are being unreasonable. It's their time to do as they please. It's pretty simple really, yes accepting a later invitation and backing out is rude but your their manager in employment, not their etiquette.

Options: find another day, all go to the party (not sure why your desire not to go trumps their wishes to attend?), keep it as planned and let them do what they want and come or not.

Our leaving do's are usually just beer/wine and platters paid for by the manager in the morning tea room. We finish half an hour early, there's a speech, shall gift and whoever chooses to can go on to the pub afterwards... where our managers also usually put up a tab for us Grin

midsummabreak · 06/07/2017 00:58

Noblegiraffe Grin Grin
Make a compulsory 'Liz Lemon' high tea, complete with nauseatingly polite and lengthy speeches. Reject all requests for annual leave on the compulsory leaving do

midsummabreak · 06/07/2017 01:26

It can be hard when team members don't 'feel the love' but maybe you know this as you really don't wish to attend management's summer do. I hope you find a way forward that suits all

HiJenny35 · 06/07/2017 01:28

Seriously what are you thinking? It's outside of working hours you can't tell them what to do. YABVU! If you behaved like that as my boss id have a formal complaint written and my Union in, you are on a massive power trip, you are the line manager not their mother they don't have to answer to you about their hours outside of work. Also YOU and the other lady don't want to go to the do that work is putting on so expect Everyone else to drive 30 minutes and pay for a meal, oh sod off they just want the free booze at the work do, let people enjoy themselves, to be honest sounds like even the woman who is leaving doesn't want to go with you and you are kicking off because you don't want it to be cancelled.

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