WIBU to tell my team members they must attend this leaving do?

[regenerator]

Ok, I know I would be but I do feel I would be justified in raising the matter.

We are a small team in a larger organisation and one of our team members is leaving having been with us for almost 5 years. Everyone was positive about going out to say goodbye, and we usually go out as a team at Christmas/when someone leaves etc - we don't socialise a lot but mark occasions and always have a good time when we do. Organising a date for a 'do' was hard as we are all busy people, but we finally got one that suited everyone.

We decided to have the meal in a location about 30 minutes drive from where we work, which is nearer to where leaving girl lives. Aside from one person, no one lives in the town we work in, so there is no 'obvious' location we could go to that would suit everyone.

The day after we settled on a date, the management of our organisation announced that there would be a 'summer party' held on the same date in our place of work - a licenced bar, buffet etc. Two of our team members immediately started saying they would like to go to that and leaving girl immediately started trying to accommodate them, suggesting other dates etc. None were any good and they said they would go to the staff do for an hour or so and then come to the leaving do.

However, the leaving girl feels it isn't fair to expect them to come as, with the distance, if they don't have a meal it won't be worth the time spent to get there - neither of them wants to drive, which is obviously fair enough. She has left it with them and nothing has been said for a day or so and she has said to me, sadly, not sulkily or in a flounce, that she may just 'leave it'.

I feel so bad for her as she has been a great person to work with and a friend and now may leave without it being marked. I also feel these two were incredibly rude to go back on plans made and would like to gently point this out. I get that, for one reason or another, they both know a lot more people in the wider organisation than the rest of our team does, so that's why they want to go to the summer party. But...no one else is leaving, they can go to any number of occasions with their other friend. Our colleague is leaving and we probably won't see her again. It may well be that they don't realise how she is feeling...

WIBU to do that? I am the manager of the team, if it matters.

[Moanyoldcow]

Lunch? That's the standard where my OH works and then drinks for wider team.

Seems to work well.

[NoSquirrels]

Leaving lunch, drinks/dinner later for those who want to, others to summer party,

It is a bit shit in general etiquette to bump previous plans for a newer engagement, but both these are "work", you could all go to the summer party instead, just you don't want to, in the same way the other 2 don't want to miss it.

Can't you book early dinner in town that office & party is at, then everyone can come for a meal and then those that want to go to party can, and others can stay out with leaving girl?

[Dawnedlightly]

They're not being rude, it's unreasonable to expect anything out of work hours and the distance makes it a real pita.
Lunchtime is much better.

[Catinthecorner]

Cakes in the office are an insult? Fuck. I've been insulting various workplaces for twenty bloody years. Why did no one tell me?

[Mammylamb]

Yabu! You are not in charge of what folk do outside of work hours. I would suggest a leaving lunch instead

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Would you be this bothered if she wasn't your friend?

[Barbie222]

I've had to bring in my own cakes, most places I worked! Would've been lovely to have someone else's!

[CrowyMcCrowFace]

No, you've got no chance here.

Do something nice at lunchtime - fizz & posh snacks. Bunch of flowers, gift etc.

Then on to big summer party for those who are up for it.

Realistically, people will promise otherwise to come on to team member's do, then start enjoying themselves at the big do & text apologetically. It'll be awful.

& of course you can't try to pull rank!

If I were the leaving colleague I'd be cutting my losses. I'd hate to think people were attending my do & missing out on a bigger party. It'd be mortifying.

Maybe a 'keeping in touch' curry a couple of weeks later. There are a group of us - current & ex colleagues - who do this twice a year, actually, although obviously it's dwindling away & that's cool.

[regenerator]

We can't do lunches where we work.

There is no expectation to attend the summer party and I could go through the staff list now and identify those who will or won't attend and it won't matter a jot. I am actually annoyed about it and have probably made it sound better than it is because details will be identifying. It will be crap - and they can't go to it after the meal because it ends really bloody early. There's no outside space. It really will be grim. It is also a 30 minute drive for many of us, and unlike the city location we had chosen, there is limited public transport available.

So no one thinks they were rude to immediately back out after arrangements had been made?

[zeeboo]

For someone that's only been there 5 years?? We have a colleague who is leaving after 28 years and it's pretty implied that everyone will attend but for someone who's barely been there, I think it's utterly unreasonable for everyone to have to go, you'd end up permanently going to leaving dos.

[regenerator]

Cakes in the office aren't crap, of course, but they're for birthdays or busy days, not this.

The summer party is no 'big corporate do,' not by a long way.

[TwitterQueen1]

You're too invested in this OP. It seems that she is your friend and you want other people to show how much they like her on your behalf.

Remember this is work. So she's leaving... you can't make others feel something they don't.

I don't think your colleagues rude to want to change plans. The work do supersedes your little party. Let it go. You're trying to tell others what to do and how to behave. Step back.

[TheNewSchmoo]

No, not rude. Grown adults choosing what they want to do.

If my boss tried to dictate how I spent my personal time, she'd get short shrift (told to fuck right off)

[LivininaBox]

I'm surprised they all agreed to it in the first place, I would maybe go for a quick drink after work for a leaving do, but driving 30 mins away for a meal? No way!

[Zampa]

I don't think they're being rude, sorry.

It's a presumably free work summer party versus a small leaving do, which could feasibly be rearranged (which I appreciate from your posts isn't considered possible).

[wheresmyphone]

Can you do a big lunch on summer party day or on her actual last day. You are the manager: give everyone a long long lunch or something similar.

[ChoudeBruxelles]

No you can't make them go.

[regenerator]

Where we work it's not possible to do anything at lunch time and the work do isn't free (not drinks) and they will have the same distance to travel. I wish people would read responses before piling in.

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

I'm surprised they all agreed to it in the first place, I would maybe go for a quick drink after work for a leaving do, but driving 30 mins away for a meal? No way!

Yup, me too! I met my best friend at work and I would have done that for her leaving do but can't think of any other time I would have been prepared to go to those lengths.
Why couldn't you have had the do near work? I get that no one lives nearby but as people travel in for work anyway, surely it would have been the least inconvenient option? Could you rearrange it like that now, so that people can attend both if needed?

But yeah, in general, if you make a big deal of this, you are going to piss off the people that are still working for you for the benefit of someone who isn't...

[Nofunkingworriesmate]

We do a buffet spread with cake, if everyone makes an effort with really nice food , personalised cake pressies and a nice speech or big card if not all stopping for lunch at the same time we Lay out food out and have slightly different lunch times

[NotMyPenguin]

Find another day. People shouldn't be made to choose between this leaving do and the organisation's summer party. I appreciate it wasn't your fault, or the fault of the person leaving, but it would be better if you can work around it.

[wrenika]

Do lunch or something - you can't go telling them they must go. I don't go to leaving dos, and I certainly wouldn't want to be told that I had to attend. Work is work and nothing more.

[TheNewSchmoo]

Not sure why you're being quite so argumentative. Your question is would you be unreasonable to ask your team to attend a leaving do. The answer is overwhelmingly yes. Irrespective of the peripheral details.

[DontTouchTheMoustache]

No the work summer party might not be your cup of tea bit other members of your team might actually enjoy them so it's not for you to say whether or not it will be crap. They may also see it as a networking opportunity to develop their career, totally not on for you to push the leaving do.
If the work party finishes early why not do that then go out after? It's you and the leaving do girl who sound like they are being awkward tbh

[indigox]

YABU