WIBU to tell my team members they must attend this leaving do?

[regenerator]

Ok, I know I would be but I do feel I would be justified in raising the matter.

We are a small team in a larger organisation and one of our team members is leaving having been with us for almost 5 years. Everyone was positive about going out to say goodbye, and we usually go out as a team at Christmas/when someone leaves etc - we don't socialise a lot but mark occasions and always have a good time when we do. Organising a date for a 'do' was hard as we are all busy people, but we finally got one that suited everyone.

We decided to have the meal in a location about 30 minutes drive from where we work, which is nearer to where leaving girl lives. Aside from one person, no one lives in the town we work in, so there is no 'obvious' location we could go to that would suit everyone.

The day after we settled on a date, the management of our organisation announced that there would be a 'summer party' held on the same date in our place of work - a licenced bar, buffet etc. Two of our team members immediately started saying they would like to go to that and leaving girl immediately started trying to accommodate them, suggesting other dates etc. None were any good and they said they would go to the staff do for an hour or so and then come to the leaving do.

However, the leaving girl feels it isn't fair to expect them to come as, with the distance, if they don't have a meal it won't be worth the time spent to get there - neither of them wants to drive, which is obviously fair enough. She has left it with them and nothing has been said for a day or so and she has said to me, sadly, not sulkily or in a flounce, that she may just 'leave it'.

I feel so bad for her as she has been a great person to work with and a friend and now may leave without it being marked. I also feel these two were incredibly rude to go back on plans made and would like to gently point this out. I get that, for one reason or another, they both know a lot more people in the wider organisation than the rest of our team does, so that's why they want to go to the summer party. But...no one else is leaving, they can go to any number of occasions with their other friend. Our colleague is leaving and we probably won't see her again. It may well be that they don't realise how she is feeling...

WIBU to do that? I am the manager of the team, if it matters.

[BewtySkoolDropowt]

If it ends really bloody early then do something afterwards.

Or do it a month later.

[Contentosposa30s]

Such a shame when plans get scuppered by a 'better offer'.

Does the leaving girl like these people in the first place?
People dropping out just mean her leaving do will be quality of people over quantity and show her who her real friends are.

The people who like her/she likes will stay in contact once she leaves regardless.

Hope you work it out.

[WankYouForTheMusic]

To be fair insancerre we can't assume the work event, outside of paid hours, is obligatory either. OP being management could make a difference, there are certainly places where anyone of that level would be badly thought of if they didn't go, but it's hardly universal. I can quite see why she doesn't fancy it, especially if her bosses have been difficult recently. The problem is just her not applying that logic to her team, rather than her feeling like that in the first place.

[Floggingmolly]

Well, leaving girl herself is leaving because she's had a better offer. I don't think everybody else's plans should necessarily centre around her.
The better offer in this case is a company event, anyway, which arguably op should have known about when making her own arrangements?
Even if she hadn't known - attempting to tell her team that they shouldn't attend the company party; she thinks they should celebrate the colleagues departure instead is laughable.
I hope they tell you exactly where to go if you attempt to take this further, op

[washinggotdarkedon]

God, some of you love giving someone an unnecessary kicking.

I'm with ShatnersWig. I think OP's colleagues are rude and inconsiderate. It doesn't matter what happens in everyone else's workplace; the point here is that OP's small team socialise together in certain circumstances. This was one of them; they agreed to go and now some of them are ditching it for another event. How is that not rude?

OP - I suggest you don't speak about it to the women who want to go to the summer do. Just sound out those who are still up fror it and if they want to go to the leaving meal, then keep arrangements as they are and have a good time.

And maybe ask MNHQ to delete this thread as, even if you've changed some details to protect anonymity, it's still rather identifying.

[rookiemere]

Surely part of the job of management should be to support the company, regardless of your personal feelings.

In this case the company has decided to lay on a summer event. It may not be great, it may not be to the OP's personal tastes, but none the less the organisation has gone to the trouble of organising a social event for it's employees.

Now it's annoying that it coincides with leaving do, but the people organising the event did not know about this presumably in advance.

OP should be supporting the company, not getting annoyed as it clashes with her prearranged event and she doesn't feel it's worth wrangling childcare out of her annoying ex to attend.

In fact as a manager OP should be sorting the problem ( although it's not of her own making) rather than forcing her team to choose between company event and leaving do.

[washinggotdarkedon]

There is a saying, that people generally don't leave their jobs they leave their manager


Think you just made that up!

[Mulledwine1]

No they didn't, I have also heard that and it's absolutely true. Lots of people WOULD enjoy their job if they had a different manager.

[GahBuggerit]

that Ive made it up.

Mmmmmk

[ShatnersWig]

Have to say I've never heard that saying, in defence of washing

[LaurieMarlow]

I've left two jobs because of the manager, so it rings true for me.

[LaurieMarlow]

Cant say I've heard the saying before though.

[Violetcharlotte]

Maybe do it in a few weeks time? We did this when a girl left my work. On the day we did cakes, etc in the office, then had a night out a few weeks later. It was great as we were all really looking forward to seeing her and hear about her new job, and she got to catch up on all the office gossip.

[Sushi123]

Unless they are being paid for their time you have no business in telling them what to do

[GahBuggerit]

I always find it useful to Google something before declaring it as being made up

[WankYouForTheMusic]

I'm with ShatnersWig. I think OP's colleagues are rude and inconsiderate. It doesn't matter what happens in everyone else's workplace; the point here is that OP's small team socialise together in certain circumstances. This was one of them; they agreed to go and now some of them are ditching it for another event. How is that not rude?

It wouldn't be rude if they'd been railroaded into it initially, and there is at least a hint that might have happened here. That does make a difference.

I agree some of this is verging on an unnecessary kicking, although to be fair this always happens when someone's title and first post don't reflect their later position. People don't RTFT, or they do but they miss the non-combative post. But you cannot simply look at this as people backing out of an initial acceptance because we can't be sure the agreement was properly voluntary. And I do stand by my posts about OP needing to tread carefully here because they might be peeved with her already.

[TabascoToastie]

OP, I understand where you're coming from, and I feel sympathy. It sounds like you're going through a bit of a shit time with the awful ex and your close friend leaving, and you were really looking forward to a fun party with your friend, and now that's not happening and you're disappointed, and angry that your friend is being snubbed. If it was a social event and the other guests were friends, you'd be perfectly entitled to feel upset and call them on being rude.

But these people are not your friends, they are not leaving girl's friends. They are work colleagues and honestly the blurring of personal and professional and the emotional investment makes it sound like you struggle with appropriate boundaries. Take the emotion out of it and try to see it as a purely business situation.

[Theycalledmethewildrose]

I just read the OP!s updates. OP would the lady leaving think it would be inappropriate if you suggested meeting up for a drink sometime after she has officially left the company? This might help maintain the friendship.

I think though that you might have to accept that the friendship was enabled by being work colleagues and it might not mean so much to the leaver as it does to you. I have had close friendships with a number of work colleagues over the years where we met outside of work, came for lunch whilst on maternity leave etc, exchanged Christmas cards and little gifts. Yet when I left the company, apart from a couple of emails, I never heard or saw them again.

It is hurtful when it happens but people tend to invest in work type friendships half heartedly when work is no longer the common factor.

[WankYouForTheMusic]

The more I think about this, the more I reckon you need to get it deleted OP. It's identifying as fuck. If anyone at your work reads this they're going to realise straight away.

[user1471517900]

Also, while people don't have to attend work functions etc. It's not gonna look good if a whole department aren't there but are all out somewhere else together instead. Maybe the two understand this and don't want to burn bridges with the rest of the company.

[regenerator]

Gosh some people are silly - the only reason people ever leave a job is because they don't like their manager and the leaving woman obviously dislikes me. Ok then .

I take on board that I may be a bit over-invested (not to the extent that I see her as a friend as such, but she has been great to work with and I want to give her a good send off) and that I shouldn't speak to the other two. I'm not going to mention it and we will go ahead as planned and if they make an appearance great, if not nothing whatsoever will be said/implied/etc etc. We will share the stories the next day and it will all be fine.

The following comments are totally unhelpful and irrelevant, yet people continue to assert that:

1. We could celebrate at lunchtime - we really couldn't
2. People's careers will be adversely affected by not going to the work do. They absolutely won't be and it won't even be noted. I know this what with me working there and all.
3. They were railroaded into agreeing in the first place - they weren't, but I can see in retrospect it may not have suited them as much as the others of us.
4. I'm a shit manager and my entire team hates me. I'm not and they don't .
5. We never socialise together so they'll resent having been asked. Not so.

This has helped me - had a bit of a vent last night and moving on now!

[washinggotdarkedon]

That's the spirit, OP 👍

[jarhead123]

People can do as they please. I wouldnt take it upon yourself to try and get them to come.

[LionsOnTour]

That sounds like a good outcome OP. You've let the whole thing go and now you can concentrate on enjoying your friends leaving do and stop worrying about anything else.

As you say, if they turn up great and if they don't that's fine too

[WankYouForTheMusic]

3.They were railroaded into agreeing in the first place - they weren't, but I can see in retrospect it may not have suited them as much as the others of us.

Mmm. I just wonder what would have happened if they'd have told you at the outset that they weren't up for it, how you'd have reacted. What the process of securing 'agreement' was. Whether they were definitely free to refuse without any negative consequences and, possibly more to the point, whether they could be sure of that. Them having been on team nights out like this before doesn't necessarily back up your point in the way you think it does.

Still though, good that you have found this thread useful. I really would get it deleted too.