AIBU to not let DD jack in her summer job?

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DD (21) says she hates her summer job and wants to quit. Thinks her co-workers are rude to her and the work is dull. She's only been there a month! I told her she's lazy and has terrible work ethic, to which the waterworks came out. Tbf she's been working since 16, but she's moaned about every single job she's ever had (supermarkets/coffee shops) and I'm bloody tired of it. DD is medicated for depression but I think she's trying to pull on my conscience by saying work makes her miserable, etc. Think she's also moody because her mates are jaunting round Europe and bf is off in the US. She's a hard worker academically (doing a masters in sept) but she's so flipping lazy otherwise. AIBU to not let her laze around all summer?

I'm a shy introvert too - and there's nothing wrong with that. The world would be very boring if we were all the same!

When I look at the dses, I can see ways in which they are similar to dh and to me, and ways in which they are different - and I rejoice in both their similarities and their differences.

Obviously it is easier to understand and empathise with someone who has a similar character to yourself, than with someone who is very different, but as parents, it is our responsibility to accept our children as they are, to learn to understand them, and then to support them to be who they are, not who we think they should be. Disclaimer - I don't mean we should support them to be bad or unkind people or to waste their talents or hurt other people - but we should see the positive aspects of their character and abilities, even when we don't share those characteristics or abilities, and encourage them to make the best use of them.

We support our dses - we offer advice, and practical help if they want it. We have just supported ds3 through the decision to move from one university to another - he had chosen a course at a university that was a long way both from us, and from all his closest friends, and whilst he enjoyed the course, he didn't make any friends there, and so became lonely and depressed. He decided that he wanted to move to a different course, in the same city where a number of his friends are at university - and we supported this decision. He will have to go back a year, so he will do 5 years at university, instead of 4 (we are in Scotland, where degrees are 4 years not 3), so we will have to support him for an extra year, but it is worth it to see him so much happier.

I was really worried about him, in the early months of the year - I could hear the unhappiness in his voice, and it was clear to me that he was becoming depressed. Thankfully he has been able to make the change of course, and his mental health has improved already - but I dread to think what would have happened if we had dismissed his depression as being a snowflake generation fad, or if we had refused to support him.

I think she should be off travelling with her mates! What a shame she couldnt go. She could always work for a different period of the summer.

I really regret not travelling more when I was young. I don't regret not working every single week of every holiday (I did have summer and pt jobs throughout and before Uni but not the whole of every single holiday).

I'm a shy introvert too - and there's nothing wrong with that.

I agree.

However I know people do often think that forcing shy introverts into very awkward social situations will "cure" us or harden us up.

In fact one of my children’s head master report comments pretty much say they will cure him of this trait – inherited from both his doing okay at life parents- he’s doing well academically and has friends but that's not enough .

We’ve always found telling them are fine, encouraging and supporting them to try new things – are best way forward.

My first "proper" job, did summer jobs fine, was awful workplace everyone told me to stick out, harden up that what work was. I lasted 10 months started looking round got a new job for a substantial pay increase and found I was so much happier – I wasn’t sleeping past my alarm and dreading Monday’s anymore and my confidence in my abilities returned. I don't think sticking it out did anything but damage me.

I think it's better to travel than stay in a boring job. Especially if she has a bit of money in the bank.

Is there no happy medium here? Stay in the job for a couple of weeks, travel for a couple of weeks? Does it have to be all or nothing?

If she does well academically she's not lazy. If she's had holiday jobs since she was 16 she's not lazy.

People just didn't talk about it. Late 70's early 80's teen. Suffered horribly with depression. Nobody knew. I was a horrible teenager. I was isolated, lonely, tried killing myself, hated everything about myself. It was horrendous. You sound just like my mum. I'm 52 now and it's taken years to recover. I hope you reconsider your stance.

Let me tell you a story, OP.

I was diagnosed with a depression disorder while I was at uni. Graduated, came home, found work while living with my parents.

I hated my job. I hated it so, so much. It absolutely made my depression worse. One day I cracked, came downstairs crying and told my mum I just couldn't do it any more. I was signed off. I ended up quitting.

I don't know if my mum fully understood what I was going through, or if she personally thought quitting was the right idea. I don't know those things because all she did then and there was support me. She went with me to clear out my locker at the job I quit. She took me out for lunch afterwards. She was over the moon for me when I found my current job a few months later. I love the job I have now. I found an excellent therapist and a combination of drugs that worked for me. Without those two last things, and my parents supporting me, I would be in a horribly dark place right now.

That period of my life was terrible enough as it was, but would have been 100 times worse if my parents had described me as lazy and work shy and referred to my MH problems as 'nonsense'. I will be forever grateful to them for supporting me.

So you have a choice. You can support your daughter (without controlling her) or you can judge her. She sounds like she's doing her best and that all things considered she's doing pretty well. If you choose to be judgemental over this period of her life she will remember it, and your relationship may suffer as a result. If you choose to try to support her without being critical, she'll remember that too, in a good light. It's up to you.

Wow, OP. Not only are you dismissive of a very real, and for many people debilitating, illness, but you're also acting like a shitty parent.

Depression is real. The fact that many more of the so-called 'snowflake' generation talk about having depression is a symbol of how far we've come in being open about this illness. Your attitude is a symbol of how far we have yet to go. I hope your poor daughter gets the help & support she needs from someone, as it doesn't appear to be you.

OP, what makes you think you get a say? An opinion and a fair hearing, but no casting vote. If she wanted to blow all £15k on fidget spinners, it's her bloody shout.

hence why I don't want her spending it.

It's not up to you, she's an adult. It's also not up to you find her a part time job you consider suitable. FFS get off her back.

If I was her I'd want to travel too, to get away from parents that clearly dislike me.

You sound nice OP.

I wish you were my mum.

God, when I was 21 I'd had a 60 hour a week job for 3 years and working full time for 2 years before that. Did part time college and was pregnant at 21.

All whilst dealing with bi polar.

However I know people do often think that forcing shy introverts into very awkward social situations will "cure" us or harden us up.

That's so sad, eagle :(

I think my Mum might think this. She is very supportive, but I think we think in completely different ways.

She's said to me that she thinks getting out of my comfort zone is really important, and I completely agree with me, but the worst experience I've had of this was when I was on a teacher training course. Every day was awful, and it just broke me.

*completely agree with her

Fuck off OP. Seriously. I say that as someone who has nearly died several times from manic depression. Should you ever be so unfortunate as to suffer from it you will rue the day you ever made such stupid comments.

It's easy to see why your daughter wants to move in with her boyfriend.

It's her life, let her live it. And be aware that if you don't rethink your attitude towards her you may end up with her not wanting to know you in the future.

Wow op, you sound like an arsehole and a shitty parent.
Depression is a real illness, one like me and a whole lot of other posters have/do suffer with.
You will lose your daughter if you're not careful.

Another one saying that you will lose your relationship with your daughter if you carry on like this OP. My situation 20 years ago was very similar to your daughter's. Being told I was a "drifter", when I'd just got a distinction in my masters whilst working and helping care for a terminally ill relative, was the last straw. I moved out and 200 miles away from my parents very soon after that. To this day we have a polite, but cool and superficial relationship. Interestingly the balance of power has shifted in the last few years, so now they need me more than I need them. But guess what, I have no plans to move back or be very involved in their care. Please don't repeat their mistakes.

Life may not be all fun and games, but it should be a little bit of fun, especially at 21.

You sound unkind, joyless and rather mean minded.

You sound nice OP.

I wish you were my mum.

Queue is already longer than a JK Rowling book signing sesh at Waterstones.

I've just sat here thinking 'I'm glad you're not my mother', and considering mine was pretty horrible that's saying something!

You say your daughter is nothing like you and your husband? You should be glad you've done something right then. I'm sure once she moves away from your poisonous attitudes she will flourish like she should have years ago. Poor, poor girl.

Ugh you sound horrible op, I bet she can't wait to move out. I actually gasped at your "depression nonsense" comment.
There is more awareness of mental health now, which i personally believe is a good thing, it doesn't mean it's more common.
Don't worry I'm sure the fact you are nothing like her makes you a huge disappointment to her too

I predict we will see your DD on here a lot in the future asking how to distance herself and her future kids from her unsupportive and toxic mother

Your daughter is an adult, help her make a decision. How do you live with yourself treating your own child this way? Chastise her for complaining about a job that brings her to tears! I can't imagine what life must have been like growing up with you.

Ever look in a mirror to see if the problem is your support of your child? Maybe try some positive reinforcement, be there for her, listen to her. DO NOT berate her for having a bad job. After all she has been working since she was 16 and is responsible to have saved money over this time.

OF COURSE she is upset that her mates are off on holiday enjoying the someone and she is not able to join them. who wouldn't!

No, life isn’t all fun and games, and it sounds like it hasn’t ever really been fun and games for your dd. It sounds like everything’s been her fault. “she’s hard to parent”? WTF??? That’s your failing that is, not hers. She’s not like you? Well, that might be because she not only isn’t you, but wasn’t brought up by your parents at the same time as you in the same social setting as you.

Get over yourself, you twit! Start thinking, and trying to make your relationship with your dd a good one, or she’ll be busy whenever you want to visit.

@jux, this post is from July 2017.

Thanks, QM. I realised it was a zombie thread just as I posted , but it could be worse - it could be a few years old not a few months