AIBU to not let DD jack in her summer job?

[fjieopwfjqer]

DD (21) says she hates her summer job and wants to quit. Thinks her co-workers are rude to her and the work is dull. She's only been there a month! I told her she's lazy and has terrible work ethic, to which the waterworks came out. Tbf she's been working since 16, but she's moaned about every single job she's ever had (supermarkets/coffee shops) and I'm bloody tired of it. DD is medicated for depression but I think she's trying to pull on my conscience by saying work makes her miserable, etc. Think she's also moody because her mates are jaunting round Europe and bf is off in the US. She's a hard worker academically (doing a masters in sept) but she's so flipping lazy otherwise. AIBU to not let her laze around all summer?

TBH I think it sounds like she could do with a rest and a fun summer!

She has some cash from an inheritance, why not spend it on a nice exciting trip???

She is only 21 once and she won't have nice long summers when she starts 'real' work.

Shes 21 and about to do a masters. Let the poor girl have likely the last summer holiday she'll have, for heaven's sakes.

It also seems DD was going to leave the job at the end of this month anyway so it's only three weeks of lounging around as OP puts it.

You sound really over bearing and controlling of your dd life and money. Don't be surprised if she sees less of you both once she's living with her bf.

The way you dismissed her medical condition
The way you dismiss depression and scoff at it
The way you 'won't let her go on holiday'
Won't let her spend her money

very fucking unreasonable

Fair enough to say she needs to work if she's living with you but not 24/7 and in a job she hates. Fair enough if she needs to pay rent but a holiday could really help her mental health. As hopefully will living with her bf.

You are your husband are not kind people and I feel sorry for your daughter. I want to give her a hug and tell her to enjoy herself.

Ps, let's hope mental illness doesn't strike you or your husband anytime soon. It doesn't discriminate.

I can't get over how controlling you are OP. Finding her a new job at 21? Just leave her alone to get on with her own life.

If my DD was your DD's age with 15K in the bank I'd of helped her plan an amazing holiday she's young with no worries in life next year she'll be working in her field getting 4-6 weeks of holiday leave that she won't be able to use in one go.

Tell her hand her notice in and send her packing!

I worked part time from 16 alongside studying, finished an MA at 22, went straight into a job and 9 months later realised I hadn't had a break since GCSEs. I jacked in a good job and fucked off travelling. If she wants to do it, she is going to do it, possibly even at a time to are even more disapproving of. She's an adult. Get over it.

She's been working since she was 16, has done well in her degree, enough to get on a Masters. How is she lazy?

She's depressed, maybe she wants a change this summer. Poor girl, give her a break, you sound horrible.

travelling can be a very valuable learning experience in its own right: the travelling I did between uni semesters taught me confidence and organisation skills (and language skills) which I have been able to draw on professionally ever since

but the OP almost sounds to me as if she doesn't want her dd to learn in a fun way, because people with depression don't deserve to have fun

could it also be that there is a streak of jealousy here?: "she is a hard worker academically, but bloody lazy otherwise" [=complains about working in coffee shops/supermarkets]; is the point that the OP is trying to drive home that the work her dd has done to get this far academically is somehow not "real" work, in the way that serving coffee and stacking shelves is "real"?

Real or not real, plenty of people have long and fulfilling careers without ever having worked in catering/retail. One job is not more real than another and if your dd has a talent for a certain type of work, then pursuing that would seem to make sense.

could it also be that there is a streak of jealousy here?

I'd be interested to know the OPs education and work history....

She likes to go and sit on her laptop in coffee shops - not exactly very stimulating is it?!

No wonder. It's relaxing. I do this a lot just to get away from things, get out of my own head and feel like I'm a part of a community without actually talking to people.

You have a hard-working daughter who wants a break. Be grateful for that.

If I was your daughter and had £15k in the bank you wouldn't see me for dust, I'd be straight on a plane to join my mates or go off traveling. She's 21 for god sake, let her live a bit. My parents had no say in what I did at that age. Some time off from stress and pressure could help her depression.

Also please tell her to save the inheritance as I didn't and regret it now I'm trying to save up a deposit. I wish I'd let my mum look after it...

I did save it and bitterly regret doing so. Always planned on being responsible to give myself a good start in life and travelling later. Didn't work out to plan and because of my responsibilities I will most likely never travel.

There is a unique point in your life when you are young and lacking in ties. You should absolutely make to most of it!

I think your daughter must be very depressed or cowed by emotional abuse to put up with you......i really feel for her you sound horrific...

If she wasn't I think she would be off traveling with her friends having fun..... I would much rather my 21yr old was doing that if they wanted to, rather than working at something something that is not related to her future career anyway..

what part of she is 21and an adult means you can say she can have a 'mini break '
'you'll get her a job with a friend' for FFS she has adegree and will be doing masters next year -its not about you....

so what if the money would be a good start on a deposit it is her money- it is up to her ....maybe she'll spend some and save some maybe she'll piss it all up the wall - whose money is it?

If her depression lifts once she's away from you - and it might ......I think you may not see her for dust....

Have a look in the mirror and tell yourself what you are telling her...

I was often too parsimonious at that time of my life: when I should have been making contacts and generally building up my skills, I did too often look at the pennies and feel anxious about spending. The money I saved isn't worth a lot in today's money, but the networks I could have built up would have made me a lot richer today.

Ah, one of those parents. Alongside only snowflakes getting depression, do you also think that renting is throwing money away and young people could afford housing if they didn't have "the latest iPhone" by any chance?

I'm not sure this is an argument worth fighting. From what you've told us I think your daughter deserves a break. We are in the second week of July now and she is going to live with her boyfriend shortly. She is not penniless and has worked alongside studying since she was 16, so can hardly be described as work shy. If my experience is anything to go on she may well be telling the truth about her current work colleagues and surely it's not worth risking damaging her mental health further by making her tough it out. (even if you can). Before I went to uni I got a job at a popular attraction locally, I may well have been unlucky with where they placed me but my work colleagues were intimidating - I'm no shrinking violet, but I was scared and hated every moment, so much so that I never went back after the first week. My mum and dad never complained and I feel your are being unreasonable complaining about your daughter.

I'm sure she's only stuck with it because she knows how much i would disapprove of her quitting

So worrying. I hope she is quitting the job as we speak and then taking herself off to a coffee shop with her lap top to plan the holiday of a life time.

It's unlikely though isn't it? Because she's ill with depression and doesn't want to lose your approval. Please have a think, apologise to her and tell her you love her. Then say that you think she should quit the awful job and go on holiday. Will you? Can you see that you have been unkind to her?

I have depression. My parents haven't much experience of it but they believe me and my GP about the diagnosis.

I am not exaggerating when I say that if my parents had reacted like you and your DH, I would have taken my own life.

I agree with most previous posters here. Just wanted to chime in and say the phrase 'real job' is so annoying - every job is a real job and if her real job is making her this miserable then she is well within her rights to want to quit. If she has worked from 16 it sounds like she has a pretty good work ethic to me.

Is the field she is going to do her masters in her choice or yours.

Is it one you approve of

I agree that the OP's dd should spend some of her money travelling - it is such an enriching experience, and she is at that point in her life where she doesn't have the sort of responsibilities that make it so much harder to do - things like a family or a home.

My dses are at a similar point in their lives - one has graduated and has a permanent job, but with a room in a shared house, rather than his own household, and no family of his own, he can take off in his holidays and do what he wants. Ds2 has got his degree, and is going to start teacher training in the Autumn, and ds3 is about to start the second year of his degree - so they are both pretty much footloose and fancy free this summer - and I am glad that they are taking the opportunity this offers.

Neither of them is being lazy - ds3 has a summer job that he is working hard at, and ds2 is helping around the house, whilst he looks for summer work - but both of them have taken the chance of some time abroad - and I am glad for them - and a bit envious, if I am honest. I didn't take the opportunity to travel when I was their age - I was doing my nurse training before it became university based, and although I was earning, I lacked the nerve to travel on my own - one of the results of having had undiagnosed and untreated depression for a number of years.

@fjieopwfjqer - please take some time to learn about depression - it is a horrible thing to have, and can only be made worse if the sufferer's family don't believe in it, and are so unsupportive. Attitudes like 'this depression nonsense' and suggesting it is a fashion amongst young people WILL be obvious to your daughter and WILL make her feel even worse.

And please stop and consider that your daughter is her own person, with her own character, and likes and dislikes - and that just because these are different to yours and your dh's, this does NOT mean that they are any less worthy than your character, and likes and dislikes.

Newsflash - people are different, and like different things - and this does not make them lazy or bad.

But - Second Newsflash - if you do not accept your daughter, and value her as she is, without the underlying current of criticism and disappointment that is obvious to all of us, including her, you will lose her.

Bloody hell! No wonder your dd is depressed with such grade-A arseholes for parents.

Try to understand that she isn't like you and that's ok. So fucking what if she's shy and introverted and likes to sit in coffee shops with her laptop? It might not be 'stimulating' for you, but I know as a shy introvert myself, it'll be stimulating for your dd.

I have no words for your shitty attitude to her depression

Sounds like she has a good work ethic to me, I don't know what you're complaining about to be honest. And she's 21! What she does with her own money in none of your damn business!

If you're not careful, OP, in a few years you'll be on here starting a thread whining about your dd because she's gone NC with you..

Speaking as a shy introvert staying in an awful work place won't be helping her.

If she still wants to work - what about temping agency- I picked up a short term month contract as a receptionist while pg - contract wasn't renewed so needed short term till baby came.

Work experience or volunteering - that could look good on her CV.

But like many here I wouldn’t knock traveling – I was put off traveling with you can do it later I’m 40 later never come and doesn’t look like it will for at least another 10 years and maybe not then. Sometimes I regret that though me saving all through my 20 has meant we can buy a house and I got time with my children as SAHM – and I was lucky I pretty much enjoyed that and that’s where most of my happy memories come from.

At 21 – I’d be asking her what she thought she could/should do with the time and possible offer the above suggestions but I wouldn’t arrange anything or dictate.

I am glad I married a man who thinks it possible to be sensible and still have fun – so rare occasions we got money he’ll do something fun with small amount then something sensible with rest. I think that balance is much needed. My own parents taught all work.