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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not let DD jack in her summer job?

201 replies

fjieopwfjqer · 05/07/2017 20:48

DD (21) says she hates her summer job and wants to quit. Thinks her co-workers are rude to her and the work is dull. She's only been there a month! I told her she's lazy and has terrible work ethic, to which the waterworks came out. Hmm Tbf she's been working since 16, but she's moaned about every single job she's ever had (supermarkets/coffee shops) and I'm bloody tired of it. DD is medicated for depression but I think she's trying to pull on my conscience by saying work makes her miserable, etc. Think she's also moody because her mates are jaunting round Europe and bf is off in the US. She's a hard worker academically (doing a masters in sept) but she's so flipping lazy otherwise. AIBU to not let her laze around all summer? Hmm

OP posts:
Stevieo · 05/07/2017 23:15

Op life isn't all about fun and games no, one day your dd will hopefully have a full time job and a family to raise, she is young with no responsibilities now so what is actually stopping her from spending less than 8% of her inheritance on a trip of a lifetime? Hell take another grand out to help with contributions towards her living costs if you can't afford to not take money off her. And if you are able to put a good word in for her at another place of work, one that she would enjoy then why haven't you done that already?

I actually understand what you're saying about her being a snowflake and implying that its just hormones, my younger sister was like that as a teen and it infuriated me the worry she caused my mum for a bit of attention but your dd is 21 and if she is wallowing in self pitty, I assure you she's not being a typical teen and something more sinister is going on.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/07/2017 23:27

@fjieopwfjqer - please tell your husband that depression in young people is certainly not a product of the 'snowflake generation'. I am 52, and I was depressed, and having suicidal thoughts at age 14. The difference is that now we are far more aware of mental health issues than people we're back then.

Looking back it is clear that I was clinically depressed as a teenager, but it was not diagnosed. I suspect that there are plenty of people of my generation who suffers alone and in silence.

Oh, and just in case you are thinking that my story is proof that you can just pull yourself up by the bootstraps, without drugs or therapy, and that is a demonstration of how tough former generations were, compared to today's young people, please think again. Yes, I struggled through and survived, but my life has been blighted and limited by my illness - and I am sure that, if I had had better treatment earlier, I would have had a much happier, more fulfilled life, and might not be still suffering from moderate to severe depression.

You and your husband both seem to have a very intolerant and unkind attitudes towards depression, and I am willing to bet that this is negatively affecting your daughter's mental health. I know how difficult it is to live with depression when those around you support you and care for you - I can on,y imagine how hard it must be to suffer from an illness that your parents think is nonsense, and a symptom of you being from a spoilt snowflake generation.

MotherPie · 05/07/2017 23:43

I'm only a few years older than your daughter and if I wasn't saddled with responsibility and had a few thousand in the bank I'd be enjoying myself not working some shitty job that made my depression worse. My mum supported me when I had depression at 16 even though there was no real 'reason'. I'm glad she did because I've endured so much since and I've still never felt that level of despair again. It's a chemical imbalance. You need to support your DD or you won't be in her life much longer.

SaveMeBarry · 05/07/2017 23:50

You know Op reading your posts on this thread I'm getting bloody depressed myself! Yes I'm sure you do love your DD but you seem very negative about her and dismissive of her feelings. Do you actually have any respect for her as an individual in her own right?

She is an adult and doesn't require your permission but it seems pretty clear that you have a high level of influence or even control over her. Some posters are probably wondering why she doesn't tell you where to get off but no doubt this is normal to her, my parents were similar and fully believed that they knew best in all such matters. And I'd see that when I was older. At the age of 41 thought I can tell you that they didn't know best and I wish I hadn't been forced to be bloody practical about every aspect of life. Step back, it may do wonders for your future relationship with her.

Fleshy · 06/07/2017 00:04

'...might cheer her up' 'life isn't all fun and games'
Which is it OP? Maybe educate yourselves about your child's chemical imbalance in her brain and adjust your vile attitude.

Not many people love working,that's why it's 'work' and not 'hobby', and that's why we get paid and try to fit things we actually enjoy into the time when we aren't exchanging our time for money. Try to control your resentment around her.

MommaGee · 06/07/2017 00:13

Wow OP you might love her but do you actually ""like"" her??
She's worked since 16, went to Uni, is doing a Masters and thats not good enough for you. She's farting about pretending to be depressed as some sort of snowflake according to your and your DH.

She has 1k saved from last year and is leaving you next month anyway. Thats ent of money to survive on depending on what she's paying rent wise at yours. How about backing off - she's an adult. Advise her but dont belittle and baby her.

Honestly I think a holiday somewhere sunny with lots of coffee shops and her lap top sounds like what she deserves for working so hard for the last 3 years at Uni and 2 of A levels all with a part time job

SomeOtherFuckers · 06/07/2017 00:26

@ilovesooty I just said that to show how unreasonable it is to lump my generation ( millennial) in with all this 'special snowflake' crap. It's always spouted about us and OP has attached these ideas to her millennial daughter. Maybe seeing me criticise someone because of their generation will make her see how stupid it is.

SaveMeBarry · 06/07/2017 00:32

I'd lay money that friends and family of Op regularly tell her how great her daughter is, how proud they must be of her for studying hard, going to university, working part time since 16 (presumably earning minimum wage and retail/coffee shops are not easy jobs, especially for an introvert who already suffers with depression). Because most people would be proud wouldn't they? But it seems the Op just can't see it Hmm

ilovesooty · 06/07/2017 00:39

Thanks @SomeOtherFuckers - I understand now!

ChocolateFrogs · 06/07/2017 00:45

This is so sad :( as a fellow introvert who also struggles with depression and parental pressure, i really do feel for the OP's DD.

OP, please, please realise that your DD is absolutely something special Flowers she really deserves your support.

Guepe · 06/07/2017 02:06

Really saddened that this isn't a troll thread, how awful :(

MaryTheCanary · 06/07/2017 02:46

She's worked since she was 16 and has got some savings?

Seriously, sounds like she deserves a treat and something exciting to look forward to. Why shouldn't she spend a few weeks traveling if there is no particular barrier in the way?

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 06/07/2017 03:14

My flat mate at uni had a parent who took the approach that life wasn't all fun and games, and was constantly being belittled / overpowered by her.
As soon as she could she took off on a flight to Australia, literally as far away as she could get from her controlling and dismissive parents. She doesn't come back to visit. Why would she? Years of being ground down and told how silly and frivolous she was had left her incapable of sustaining a relationship or even justifying / enjoying a new outfit. I hope she's found happiness.

SenecaFalls · 06/07/2017 05:33

Maybe seeing me criticise someone because of their generation will make her see how stupid it is.

The OP might be a Gen-Xer though. A lot of us boomers actually happily mis-spent a good portion of our youth pursuing a bit of fun and games. Smile

DisorderedAllsorts · 06/07/2017 06:23

I haven't read the full thread, skimmed a few pages but will read once the kids are at school but here are a few suggestions before I forget:

1 - depression - is Dd receiving any counselling/therapy for it? That's what needs to be addressed, she might find a combined approach involving therapy and medication more effective than just medication alone. NHS talking therapies is free and you can self refer, just look online for the number.

2 - travelling - could Dd work in a tourist destination/Sumner camp so she can combine both earning / sight seeing?=teaching English abroad, camp America etc. The YHA which runs youth hostels always needs volunteering and they offer accommodation on site. Worth having a look. If she's unhappy in her current job then it will make her depression worse so it's better that she finds something she's happy with.

jobs.yha.org.uk/current-vacancies/

www.campamerica.co.uk

www.tefl.com

www.talking-therapies.com/for-the-nhs/

Clandestino · 06/07/2017 06:41

I just find her very unlike DH and I... we've always been hard workers, none of this depression nonsense like all young people seem to have these days.

WTF, actually? You sound like a mother from hell, extremely understanding of your child's needs. You may have clothed her and put roof over her head but I doubt you have a bit of understanding for young people.

Toffeelatteplease · 06/07/2017 07:01

At 15k I'd be telling her to take a year out and see the world.

Those are experiences you never forget. There's time for houses later.

Might do her mental health the world of good.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 06/07/2017 07:09

What a misery you sound! Accept your daughter is different from you and get your feet off her neck. She's not lacking in work ethic but she could do with a more understanding parent.

blandnessgirl · 06/07/2017 07:24

You sound absolutely awful! Really nasty. I bet your DD can't wait to get away from you and I hope she never looks back.

SafeToCross · 06/07/2017 07:26

She should spend a bit of it travelling and find out where she really wants to be in life. At the moment she prob just feels she is failing to live up to expectations - she is not like you, and thus needs to learn to make her own decisions in order to be happier. Why don't you give her a positive message 'I'll back your decision'.

SuburbanRhonda · 06/07/2017 07:28

She will have picked up on how much you don't like her or value her, OP.

Think on that when you criticise her depression.

memyselfandaye · 06/07/2017 07:31

If you are for real then I think you and her Father need to realise you a probably the cause of her depression.

Nothing she does is good enough is it?

As for you getting her another job, keep your beak out, you've both clearly damaged her enough already.

ImperialBlether · 06/07/2017 07:38

I call reverse.

ExtraPineappleExtraHam · 06/07/2017 08:07

I'm actually in agreement with some of what OP is saying. Not the depression is an act nonsense but that it doesn't bode well for the future if you can't handle a summer job.
I have a friend whose 29, same age as me, has a degree and a masters (which she flaked out of so only has a partial diploma) and she just quit her 12th job in a shoe shop. She just moans constantly about the 'stress' of retail and catering and how she doesn't care about working their as it's not the field she wants to work in. Find me one person in Costa who is doing exactly what they imagined they would be doing for a career!
I just find myself thinking 'why can't you do this, everyone else has to put up with this shite' and like you said 'life isn't all fun and games.' If I decided that I didn't want to work, I would lose my house and my children would have to go to a food bank for food and clothes. There are lots of people in this country desperate for work. Maybe let her book a big holiday at the end of the summer, before her course starts, which will be all the better after jacking in her horrid job and earning all the money herself. Also please tell her to save the inheritance as I didn't and regret it now I'm trying to save up a deposit. I wish I'd let my mum look after it...

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 06/07/2017 08:09

one day your dd will hopefully have a full time job and a family to raise

I agree with other posters that this poor DD has worked hard enough and deserves a break. And as someone who was also on antidepressants until last year, it's a shit illness.

But since part of the problem here seems to be that the OP is mapping out her DD's life path, I just want to knock any assumptions that the DD will want a partner & kids.

Maybe she will, plenty of women do. But some of us just aren't interested in family life & she may be one of them.