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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we have lost what we once had?

163 replies

Iwannabeabillionaire · 04/07/2017 23:10

Ok so background. Been with dp 20 odd years. Three Dc. Was planning a 4th (unlikely now).
Very different people. Him not talkative. Likes very basic conversation
I'm very chatty. Like a laugh. He prefers telly to talking.
However,we do have a lot in common and are from similar backgrounds and have values in common too

Had a few periods over the years where things haven't been great. And it's been mostly me picking flies to be fair. He's very complimentary to me and says nice stuff and has been tolerant of what I would describe as highly strung behaviour from me.But the vast part of our relationship has been great and we have been close

Fast forward to about 18mths ago . He has stopped being tolerant of me. And now is very intolerant.
Bites my head off at jack shit. I walk on egg shells. He seems exasperated by me.
Yes I've gone on at him for years,mostly over nothing but he's always said he takes no notice. I've always apologised if I'm wrong and I'm generally kind,affectionate,loving and made a huge effort in our realtionship.
Suddenly he finds me hugely annoying
Not a week goes by now when this doesn't escalate into a row. Either him biting my head off and I react. Or me having had enough and pulling him up. Only for him to say im going on again and hes fine!!
I can't take any more. I'm actually suffering from anxiety
And sadness for happy times we have had
Now I hate feeling that I'm an irritation to a man
Tonight he has just gone to bed at 1030 after a not particularly busy work day for him. I've had a 3 hr commute . When i mentioned this he said 'oh dear'. He could have stayed up a bit even if he was tired.
We go on a.family.hol in Aug. It's the one thing i love. Its gonna be miserable at this rate.
If I try and talk. He says he's fine and everything will be ok. So long and i don't go on or nag. He basically wants me to be normal even if I don't feel it. And he really doesn't want to address any issues as he sees them as non issues.
Please advise.

OP posts:
JeReviens · 04/07/2017 23:13

Cherchez la femme. Sorry - I may be way off but if I were you that is what I'd be thinking.

Qvar · 04/07/2017 23:14

Has he recently locked his mobile phone down? Changed his hygiene habits? Had to work unusually long hours?

Original poster
Iwannabeabillionaire · 04/07/2017 23:22

No nothing like that. I know where he is. Works local to him. Phone lying around or kids playing on it.
He just seems to have lost patience with me.
He's fine as long as I dont say anything aggravating. He wants me to be cheerful. I tell him im upset and he's like stop going on then and you will be fine. You're making yourself anxious.

OP posts:
Carouselfish · 04/07/2017 23:28

It's not fair of him to shut down the possibility of discussion. So you've been hard work at some points in the relationship, has he been 100% easy? Have you sacrificed things for him? I bet you have.
Do you carry guilt that you've been hard work? Please don't, if he's bearing a grudge for the past, that's on him. He has stayed with you and I'm sure you've apologised so that should be put aside as done. He can't hold it over your head for the rest of your relationshp.
Not talking won't help. You'll explode. Perhaps to avoid him escaping or claiming you are nagging, you should write him a letter? I suggest putting a lot of positives in and don't make it only about you, make it about both of your feelings, rewrite and rewrite it until it's half the length of the first draft. Don't be around when he reads it so he has time to digest it and not commit to his immediate reactions. Flowers

Original poster
Iwannabeabillionaire · 04/07/2017 23:30

We hardly spoke for About a week and then last wk he say I'm sorry,I love you. Let's make more effort.
I said fine. It's ok love u too Etc. Lasted about two days and then we had a row about one of the dc bad behaviour. He bawled at me and really over reacted. Things have now gone back to basic conversation. I'm not scared of him in the least but I'm not gonna challenge him about behaviour he denies exists.
His answer to problems is move on when I think that they should be discussed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwannabeabillionaire · 04/07/2017 23:35

Carousel that's a really good idea.
I have been hard work but not in a really bad way if that makes sense?I said to him he chose to be with me knowing I have a bit of a short fuse I guess or I get in a flap. I've never promised to be different.
He has always been the type to be a bit short even in front of my family. However sometimes I think he knows what he's doing as he will make an effort to be sociable( lthough it's not like him)in front of strangers or people he knows. This proper annoys me as he's seen like a nice guy when he visibly sighs if I say please can we talk as I feel things aren't great.

OP posts:
rabbitcakes · 04/07/2017 23:49

I can't offer any advice but I can sympathise. It's hugely wearing and exhausting living with someone like that. Trust me.

Believe in yourself, and keep a little bit of you just for you. It really helps. Don't give everything to everyone else.

Original poster
Iwannabeabillionaire · 04/07/2017 23:52

Thank you rabbit. Are yui in tbe same situation as me?

OP posts:
TattyCat · 05/07/2017 00:06

I have been hard work but not in a really bad way if that makes sense?I said to him he chose to be with me knowing I have a bit of a short fuse I guess or I get in a flap. I've never promised to be different.

For 20 odd years? Never promising to be different doesn't make it ok that someone else has to walk on eggshells for 20+ years.

TattyCat · 05/07/2017 00:07

What does 'a bit of a short fuse' mean, exactly? what happens when you 'get in a flap'?

TattyCat · 05/07/2017 00:10

I can't take any more. I'm actually suffering from anxiety

And he has been doing what, for the last 20 years? Coasting along and putting up with your 'highly strung' behaviour?

Has his anxiety caught up with him, perchance?

TattyCat · 05/07/2017 00:14

rabbitcakes: I can't offer any advice but I can sympathise. It's hugely wearing and exhausting living with someone like that. Trust me.

What? Someone who apparently is "very complimentary to me and says nice stuff and has been tolerant" BUT has suddenly become sick of being someone's doormat?

Wake up op. Your situation as you describe it is a result of what you have sown.

bumpertobumper · 05/07/2017 00:16

Have you discussed or ever been for relationship counselling?
Sounds like the communication has totally broken down and having a trained third party in a safe space may enable you to really hear each other and understand each other...
Worth a try to get things back on track

Mammysin · 05/07/2017 00:19

Eek feeling similarly. Have worked nights 3 outta 4 , no sleep 3 children to mind during day. Dh in bed since 8.30pm 😤😡. Much love

Hermonie2016 · 05/07/2017 00:29

He wants me to be cheerful. I tell him im upset and he's like stop going on then and you will be fine. You're making yourself anxious

This doesn't seem too unreasonable.If he feels you are being negative on a regular basis then he has a right to halt the conversation.He doesn't have to listen constantly to your issues.

He might be trying to snap you out of it but isn't going about it the right way.

If you are negative or over anxious then CBT would help.He shouldn't have to tolerate your short fuse, if you know that you anger quickly you need to work on your behaviour.

BadHatter · 05/07/2017 00:33

Sounds like he's had enough of your immature shit. 20 years of that shitty behaviour he put up with. Wow. I applaud the man.

Does he feel trapped in the marriage? Does he still love you after having seen no change in your behaviour? That's what you should be asking him.

HorridHenryrule · 05/07/2017 00:35

I said to him he chose to be with me knowing I have a bit of a short fuse I guess or I get in a flap.

You need to be calm and talk to him in general about things. My partner was like you I don't tolerate it and last year I flipped like I never flipped before. I'm normally calm and ignore his rants and moans. Last year something blew up inside me and I let him have it. I'm starting to sit with him and we are having nice conversations about anything and everything but without the moaning. He has his say and I can have mine and it seems to work. I think he is starting to understand me now.

Italiangreyhound · 05/07/2017 00:35

Go for some counselling together. Try and do lots of fun things together.

If the three hour commute is a problem change job, but it's not his fault that you have it unless he is forcing you to work there.

It does sound like he put up with some stuff in the past and now feels either unable to or unwilling to.

I hope you can find a way to work together, I;d also see if you can get some of the ideas and approaches coming from him, e.g. would it help to do an activity together that you both love, would it help to have a project together (renovating something furniture, car, the garden shed?). Dare I say it, how is the sex life? Sometimes one partner can feel left to one side somewhat.

Do you speak the same love language, are you able to speak his.

www.5lovelanguages.com/

Good luck. You can get it back (IMHO), but you may both need to work at it.

Italiangreyhound · 05/07/2017 00:38

"Yes I've gone on at him for years,mostly over nothing but he's always said he takes no notice."

I guess maybe he did take notice and has now found it draining. i know I do find it draining to be around negative people. My mum was very negative, my sister sometimes too, and my son and even my husband. I find it hard sometimes and i know I can also be negative. Sometimes it is right to express a negative picture if there is a real problem.

What kind of things did you go on about?

Maursh · 05/07/2017 00:39

Male menopause?
Maybe it's not about you, OP, perhaps he's frustrated with his life and ambition. Maybe it's your turn to be tolerant.

MrsOverTheRoad · 05/07/2017 00:42

OP my DH "went on at me for years" nagging over tiny things which didn't matter usually.

And then wondered why I didn't want to sleep with him any more.

It was so tiring. I got sick of it and told him I was leaving. He's sorted it out mostly now but it took a lot of discussion and him genuinlely changing...he didn't realise he was echoing the awful relationship his parents had.

MsLexicon · 05/07/2017 01:15

Some strange replies on his one. Learn the language of love... blimey whatever that sounds utter crap if you like.
People usually go to Relate not download an e-book.
However;
I am sorry you are going through this but I just do wonder; why do you think you are a nightmare to live with?
Who says?
He does sound bit like someone who has go involved elsewhere...

MsLexicon · 05/07/2017 01:16

PS. Is he at all bossy/controlling/makes you feel bad about yourself?

Italiangreyhound · 05/07/2017 02:11

MsLexicon "blimey whatever that sounds utter crap if you like." lovely. I'm not suggesting this is the whole story but it is a helpful book. Your comments are unfair, unless you've read some of the book and this is an informed opinion. Otherwise, that's just rude.

Mrscaindingle · 05/07/2017 03:00

Badhatter Hmm horrible reply to someone looking for help.

Op it's hard to know whether you've been a nightmare to live with or whether he's really skilled at making you take the blame for all the difficulties in your relationship. On the one hand he sounds like he has put up with a lot over the years (why wasn't it ok for him to go to bed at 10:30 if he wanted to? ) but you can't fix this if he won't discuss it. Will he go to relationship counselling ?

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