To think we have lost what we once had?

[Iwannabeabillionaire]

Ok so background. Been with dp 20 odd years. Three Dc. Was planning a 4th (unlikely now).
Very different people. Him not talkative. Likes very basic conversation
I'm very chatty. Like a laugh. He prefers telly to talking.
However,we do have a lot in common and are from similar backgrounds and have values in common too

Had a few periods over the years where things haven't been great. And it's been mostly me picking flies to be fair. He's very complimentary to me and says nice stuff and has been tolerant of what I would describe as highly strung behaviour from me.But the vast part of our relationship has been great and we have been close

Fast forward to about 18mths ago . He has stopped being tolerant of me. And now is very intolerant.
Bites my head off at jack shit. I walk on egg shells. He seems exasperated by me.
Yes I've gone on at him for years,mostly over nothing but he's always said he takes no notice. I've always apologised if I'm wrong and I'm generally kind,affectionate,loving and made a huge effort in our realtionship.
Suddenly he finds me hugely annoying
Not a week goes by now when this doesn't escalate into a row. Either him biting my head off and I react. Or me having had enough and pulling him up. Only for him to say im going on again and hes fine!!
I can't take any more. I'm actually suffering from anxiety
And sadness for happy times we have had
Now I hate feeling that I'm an irritation to a man
Tonight he has just gone to bed at 1030 after a not particularly busy work day for him. I've had a 3 hr commute . When i mentioned this he said 'oh dear'. He could have stayed up a bit even if he was tired.
We go on a.family.hol in Aug. It's the one thing i love. Its gonna be miserable at this rate.
If I try and talk. He says he's fine and everything will be ok. So long and i don't go on or nag. He basically wants me to be normal even if I don't feel it. And he really doesn't want to address any issues as he sees them as non issues.
Please advise.

DH and I sometimes are in bed by 9, and that's to sleep!

I also couldn't cope with having to talk things through constantly. It would wear me down and drive me away.

Perhaps, within your marriage, you could try not prioritising your preferred method of communication but one that works for both of you.

His withdrawal sounds tough but you being needy will drive him further away.

Sorry for no reply but I fell asleep last night!
He doesnt have to put up with 'shitty' behaviour from me at all.
I have/am a nightmare at times. I do tend to go on a bit. He doesn't like any discussions that last longer than about ten min. Full stop.
I've gone on in the past as he had a child from a previous relationship and of course he prioritised that child but sometimes it was at the expense of me. Helix family were the same.
That was many years ago and our relationship is different now butvi was hard for a long time. I was insecure i guess.
He has mostly taken no notice of my outbursts over the years as (although it's not right) I often say things I don't mean
He's generally easy going. And just thinks I'm a bit mad!
He,imo, puts other people before me. Although he denies this. He is really eager to please his family for example. And is frightened to challenge anything they say. So he comes across as the good guy. Im the volatile one. He's the same with people he knows as friends Etc.
He's very anti social at times. Killing the atmosphere if we have been out say with my sister. Suggesting we leave earlier than I would like. He's not controlling. But he can create an atmosphere by being quiet
However,certain people like I mentioned above he wouldn't show that side.
I think I've is generally not a big socialiser but I think he knows what situations to show this. Not that it matters of course

But some of this behaviour irritates me and I will blow my top.

You sound utterly unreasonable to not even consider that you could possibly look into not being a 'nightmare at times'

You expect him to change but are not prepared to do any work on yourself.

You sound insecure - you are not on a pedestal - you are meant to be in an equal loving relationship. Your post reads like you want to be treated like a queen.

I can put up with our differences and mostly it's fine. We have had a very long relationship and as I said at the start,we have mostly been close. Affectionate. Have lots of lovely holidays. Like having nice food together and watching telly.
It's just this low tolerance level he seems to have lately and he aeems to find me annoying.
This is upsetting me as I'm watching his behaviour with others where he has appeared easy going.family friends,some parents he seems to have gotten quite friendly with at clubs the kids attend.
And then he will come and bite my head off.
I think I'm a good person. Love spending time with the dc. Do loads with them

I do most things at home-through choice. Love cooking. Look after everyone. Have a good sense of humour.
But it seems everything I say to him lately gets taken out of context or he picks me up on it. So I hardly say anything now about anything other than day to day stuff.
If I moan that work has been crap (just a rant) and I just want a listening ear. He will say 'leave then.
Yesterday when I moaned about long journey home he said go to bed earlier. All logical but sometimes you just want someone to sympathise. He thinks I'm "going on".

I dont want to be treated like a queen!im.not precious like that. He's certainly not the type to treat me like that

I get on with things. I'm a hard grafter. Hhe doesnt even seem remotely bothered about me travelling long distances to work in dodgy area. I work unsociable hours. Where he works local and a more normal shift pattern.
And I've only ever been a nightmare in relation to him I don't just kick off
My flaw is how I go about things I guess.

Hmm, Echo previous advice to talk to him, or go to couples counselling, or he leaves you with no option really!

With respect, you do sound hard work. And he's clearly tired of having to make the effort to accommodate your behaviour after 20 years of it.

Having a long hard look at oneself is scary and can be upsetting, especially if you don't like what you find. I had to do this about a decade ago and it was the kick up the arse I needed not to piss everyone off.

If you reversed what you wrote here as a husband writing about his doormat wife who has to out up with his occasional nightmare tantrums, this forum would probably be telling him he was an emotionally abusive man.

Hi agree Vivienne but when I ask him and I have numerous times,how he feels about me and have things changed. He says no. He's fine. He's happy. He loves me. Just doesn't want me to go on.
I said we could split up. I've said his actions don't back up what he's saying.
I'm not forcing him to live in a relationship where he's unhappy.
I am not really a nightmare anymore. I've modified my behaviour. I don't talk about anything at length. Things that he calls going on. I avoid any social situations
And only really do things a family. I'm minimising anything I do that's perceived as being a nightmare.
But he picks me up about daft stuff! And then wonders why im quiet.or stay out ofthe way.

I've gone on in the past as he had a child from a previous relationship and of course he prioritised that child but sometimes it was at the expense of me.

Seriously? Just read this one statement and see how you come across. His child/ren should come before you.

Maybe after 20 years he can't take anymore.

Like him I think if you don't like your 3 hours commute or the dodgy area you work in then do something about it. Do you normally moan about things you can change. Or do you just like moaning for the sake of it.

I don't put up with moaning in children let alone adults.

I think you don't like this new status quo because your dh is turning the tables and you don't like it

It sounds like he's reached the end of his tether.

OP, it's still not clear to me exactly what you mean when you say he doesn't like it if you 'go on' -- could you give an example?

And I've only ever been a nightmare in relation to him I don't just kick off

You keep saying 'being a nightmare' again, could you give examples? Also, you complain that he isn't irritable around anyone other than you, but then you say that you aren't a 'nightmare' to anyone other than him it seems you both have fallen into a specific way of behaving to one another.

What is the 'daft stuff' he keeps pouncing on? When you say you have a 'short fuse' or 'get into a flap', or 'kick off' what do you mean? Could you take a deep breath and describe as neutrally as possible a recent situation where things blew up because he got cross about something you say he would have tolerated from you in the past, if I'm understanding right?

It sounds like a relationship between an extrovert and an introvert where the introvert has reached peak tolerance.

I would find it difficult to live with someone who by her own admission 'can be a bit of a nightmare'. Flapping absolutely does my head in. I would have bowed out a long time ago. I think you need to back off a bit and just leave him have a bit of peace to be honest.

Why was it a problem that he went to bed at 10:30?

Ok the previous child thing. Of course he should put his child first. I would too. But he put up with the child being rude to me. Insisting child came on every holiday. So we never had time as a couple. I was happy to go on family him. I love kids. I'd have like time on our own now and again as it was a new relationship.. thats all in the past now though and we all get on well.
I agree he's reached the end of his tether butvhe doesn't have to stay!and stay and pretend he's ok!!
Ok short fuse. What i mean is I will say can't about work. He will look annoyed or even not listen. Then like last night I will fall asleep in the garden as he's tired from work
I will get irritated a d be a bit of a martyr and said well I'm tired too and have a rant. He wants a quiet life so doesn't really want to hear I've had a bad day. Just wants me to say yes all fine and keep it simple.
That's not how I like to behave. I like to talk about stuff.
So what I'm doing is hold it in but then get resentful so it all comes out eventually.
Things he would have put up with in the past? Well it's more about behaviour towards me. Sits playing a game on phone. Something not that unusual but gets annoyed if I disturb him. "Can u get dc wash hands for dinner?"
No response . I ask again. "Yes I heard you!I'm busy.wait!"
Like I'm annoying him being there.
Eldest dc did something at school last wk and was in a bit of trouble. I texted him to tell him
He rang me up and yelled down my ear and what I had to do to punish him. Totally TOT. I said I agree to extent but felt a bit harsh.
He was like yeah,you're right I will stay out of it!
I was saying that. I just wanted discuss best way of dealing with it.

It wasn't a problem he went bed 1030. Just He acting like woe is me. I'm tired after work. Fell asleep in garden. I was knackered too but literally didn't sit down till 1030. Just selfish behaviour. Even some kind words like sorry you had a long journey home. But he just kind of shrugged his shoulders
Like tough shit.

It sounds to me as if your DP has come to the end of his tether and is trying to figure out what his next step is. Asking him to discuss your relationship more than once may just be adding more pressure to him. Maybe you need to back off and allow him some space. I'm sorry but you do sound like hard work and perhaps he's had enough.

I am giving him his space guitargirl. I keep out of the way on an evening
Keep busy in another room after dc in bed. He's quite happy with this and doesn't even to care that I'm dampening down my natural personality to keep the peace

Occasionally he will suggest we do something and the seems surprised on that keen when hes barely said two words all week or longer

I'm not exactly an extrovert and he's not quite an introvert but we are like oppsites .
My sister who clearly knows him thinks he has gone from being quite a grumpy young man to simply an even grumpier older man.

After hes put up with your shit for 20 years, im not surprised his patience is thin

Then like last night I will fall asleep in the garden as he's tired from work
I will get irritated a d be a bit of a martyr and said well I'm tired too and have a rant.

Just He acting like woe is me. I'm tired after work. Fell asleep in garden. I was knackered too but literally didn't sit down till 1030. Just selfish behaviour.

How is falling asleep at 10:30 selfish behaviour and why would he irritate you? Why is he not allowed to act like 'woe is me' but you're allowed to rant and moan?

Why didn't you sit down until 10:30? Is it because you 'do most things at home-through choice?'

Your post at 10:05:55 you say If I moan that work has been crap (just a rant) and I just want a listening ear. He will say 'leave then. Yesterday when I moaned about long journey home he said go to bed earlier. All logical but sometimes you just want someone to sympathise. He thinks I'm "going on".

This reminds me of an ex. I wanted a hug and a cup of tea and he wanted to fix everything for me, so when I had a really bad day at work and came home stressed and moaning, he’d sit for a while and then present me with the paper where he had circled all the other jobs I could do. It annoyed me so much, but I learnt not to moan endlessly, it didn’t really achieve much, we got on so much better when I stopped expecting sympathy. He was right, and moaning didn’t actually make me feel any better about it. Certainly not when his solution was for me to change jobs, I just wanted a rant every now and again.

He might just be fed up and tired of listening and switched off or could he be depressed or worrying about things of his own if his level of tolerance has changed?

It sounds as though - even if he can't articulate it - he still loves you but he doesn't like you any more.

Sometimes the drip, drip drip suddenly gets too much and it all explodes. You know how a friend can have a habit that you don't even realise, then one day you do realise and it starts irritating you to death until even the way she breathes makes you want to scream?

ariwa
Relationships aren't tit for tat. Even if he has put up up with my shit for 20 odd years,surely it doesn't mean I have to then be punished for the next twenty?

Saints must be jealous of the patience your dh has had. He is fed up of your tantrums behaviour and attitude. You are the problem here and it is you that has to do something about it.

Realistically, how long would you expect anyone to put up with your petulance before getting fed up with it. Youre complaining about 18 months- hes had 20 years of shit

morethan and the devil . I agree with both of you.
However where does leave me? Do I spend the rest of my life tiptoeing around?do I just move out?
He will not talk so I can't try that. Other than the letter a poster suggested which I guess I could try.
I can give him space which im.already doing. But how long am I expected to give space for?I don't living in a non affectionate non communicative state. No sex for wks which is some place I thought I'd never be.
We go on holiday soon. How the he'll is that gonna work?