To think we have lost what we once had?

[Iwannabeabillionaire]

Ok so background. Been with dp 20 odd years. Three Dc. Was planning a 4th (unlikely now).
Very different people. Him not talkative. Likes very basic conversation
I'm very chatty. Like a laugh. He prefers telly to talking.
However,we do have a lot in common and are from similar backgrounds and have values in common too

Had a few periods over the years where things haven't been great. And it's been mostly me picking flies to be fair. He's very complimentary to me and says nice stuff and has been tolerant of what I would describe as highly strung behaviour from me.But the vast part of our relationship has been great and we have been close

Fast forward to about 18mths ago . He has stopped being tolerant of me. And now is very intolerant.
Bites my head off at jack shit. I walk on egg shells. He seems exasperated by me.
Yes I've gone on at him for years,mostly over nothing but he's always said he takes no notice. I've always apologised if I'm wrong and I'm generally kind,affectionate,loving and made a huge effort in our realtionship.
Suddenly he finds me hugely annoying
Not a week goes by now when this doesn't escalate into a row. Either him biting my head off and I react. Or me having had enough and pulling him up. Only for him to say im going on again and hes fine!!
I can't take any more. I'm actually suffering from anxiety
And sadness for happy times we have had
Now I hate feeling that I'm an irritation to a man
Tonight he has just gone to bed at 1030 after a not particularly busy work day for him. I've had a 3 hr commute . When i mentioned this he said 'oh dear'. He could have stayed up a bit even if he was tired.
We go on a.family.hol in Aug. It's the one thing i love. Its gonna be miserable at this rate.
If I try and talk. He says he's fine and everything will be ok. So long and i don't go on or nag. He basically wants me to be normal even if I don't feel it. And he really doesn't want to address any issues as he sees them as non issues.
Please advise.

I think he has lost tolerance for your behaviour. Maybe he has pressures at work or he is feeling under the weather and he just doesn't have the capacity to deal with your drama.

I know if I am under pressure at work there are times when I just can't give headspace to other people's issues. I simply have no capacity left to cope with people dumping their angst on me. All I want is a quiet space to allow my brain to slow down and switch off from the pressure that I have been under.

Araiwa

No one has made him stay!he's always said how great I am and he's happy. He doesn't need to lie. He's an adult. He could have fucked off yrs ago!! I'm being painted very bad.
He hasn't been a saint. And my crime isn't the things I've gone on about (most of them have been justified) it's the way I've approached things. I'm not a bad a person to live with.

morethan and the devil . I agree with both of you.
However where does leave me? Do I spend the rest of my life tiptoeing around?do I just move out?

How about doing what he asks? Being more fun to be around, not picking flies, not making this all his fault?

Tbh you're already getting exasperated about (and dramatising) the current situation, asking how long this has to go on for, do you have to do this for 20 years, he could have 'fucked off a long time ago'. are you expected to change who you are, etc, etc.

This has been a long time building. It isn't going to be fixed by a week of you being nice.

Maybe he will leave.

How are you with your children.

Are you one of those people who does everything because no one helps because in the past they have tried to help but you have come along and redone everything they did or you have complained that it wasn't done right

thedevilI am fun to be around. I'm always cheerful. Singing to the radio. Acting daft with the kids. Love a good laugh. When im on my own with him though lately,I certainly.dont feel it's appropriate to be having fun
I just get on with jobs have a bath.

Love doing Stuff. Going places. Him not so much. He will agree to almost anything but reluctantly almost.
He will say yes i.dont mind, if I suggest say a visit somewhere for the day. But he clearly isn't as fussed as me as he makes this known. This has been on going for yrs. We used to do a lot of trips with my sister but be killed the atmosphere by ending the night early or saying best if head off Etc.
I.dont ask to do much now
I wait for his suggestion. But im up for doing or going anywhere.
oliversmummy what do you mean about the dc?do you mean as a couple?in.front of them?I try.to act normal. He has shouted at me a lot in front of them lately. Which sets a bad example to my teenage ds.
Generally though, it's a happy homelife. I do lots of fun stuff. I plan lots to do with them and as a family.
He does stuff like sports with them swimming Etc. He doesn't have a lot of patience though. And can be a bit sergeant. Major.
And yes,I am one of those people a bit!(the redoing stuff)

Iwannabeabillionaire

"No one has made him stay!he's always said how great I am and he's happy. He doesn't need to lie. He's an adult. He could have fucked off yrs ago!!" Of course and I think he has probably stayed because he was happy to do so. So there is something great to work with.

" I'm being painted very bad." Yes, I think you are and that is unfair. It may be that you are being harder on yourself than you need to be. Some women can be very honest about things and even paint themselves worse than they are because that is what some women do. I wonder if men do it too but personally I am not sure I've heard many men who talk themselves down, women do it all the time. So stop doing it now yourself. Own up to the things that are really your own fault, with your dh, not with us, I mean. But look to the future.

Another poster made fun of my book reference, it may well be worth a look, if you are interested.

I do think counselling could help. If he will not go to counselling would he commit to an activity that could help you grow closer.

"He hasn't been a saint." I am sure he is not, there are not many people we could describe as saints.

My husband does not like debating things and I have several female friends who I talk long and hard about everything with.

I do think it is important to find those things your dh is good at/with and do that, praise that, follow that. While also showing and sharing what you are good at and making time to be together.

"We go on holiday soon. How the he'll is that gonna work?"

It's your call but I would say to him something like, "Things have been a bit strained lately and we are off on holiday soon, I really want us and the kids to enjoy it as much as we can, how can we make this a really good holiday?" Just show up in his shed, plonk yourself down next to him on the sofa, offer a coffee, and try make it a chat rather than a 'discussion'. The the holiday is coming how can we make it light and fun, talk about it in a light and fun way.

In your shoes I would stop the bad behaviour but don't alter your personality - that won't work and it will make you feel unhappy in the long run

It seems harsh telling him off for falling asleep in the garden?!

If you were busy with chores and felt hard done by why not ask him for help with the chores?

Don't rule out OW or that his feelings have changed

You do need to learn to relax not everything needs to be debated. He has his friends and family who he gets on well with what about you. You have only mentioned your sister, do you feel lonely?

Maybe if you had an outlet once a week or once a month you may feel better. You don't have to do everything together.

Generally though, it's a happy homelife. I do lots of fun stuff. I plan lots to do with them and as a family.

What do you do for you. Your kids aren't going to be at home forever what will you do then. You need something for you you are important as well.

Iwannabeabillionaire may I suggest, please also think about whether you have been unfair about his older child and whether you need to say sorry for being less than understanding, or less than interested.

It would be hard to lie so can you find a truthful thing to say about this older child? "I was proud when they went to high school and handled it well/last time we all me up they were kind to the little ones, so polite to me" or whatever.

Maybe also apologize if the topic comes up if you were feeling shut out due to older child. Parents must always put their kids first and presumably you knew when you met him that he had a child already.

I do not mean this as a criticism, just that this may help to build a bridge.

Tolerence levels tend to drop when you don't love a person anymore. He's done with you and the dramz from the sounds of it.

Tolerence levels tend to drop when you don't love a person anymore.

Maybe yes or maybe no. My tolerance level completely dropped last year but that doesn't mean I don't love him. As a matter of fact he's a bit more nicer to me now and more relaxed. If she wants her relationship to last she needs to relax and take more control of her life.

If his tolerance levels have dropped and he doesn't love me he only needs to say. I've given him umpteen opportunities.
As for the older stepchild. That has all been resolved years ago. I made the child welcome. Came everywhere with us. Had own bedroom. Theres certainly no ad feelings around that
If anything?do has admitted since that he felt I was expected to be too accommodating and that he got it wrong at times

I only talk of my sister as she's the only close relative. I've got friends of purse who I see and go put for a drink with and have a laugh. Not that often. .maybe once a month

I don't do a lot for myself apart from hair nails etc lol and I do think i perhaps need to address this. Neither dors he to be honest but he does habe a hobby.
Getting him do something as a couple it's quite difficult. We only have my sister as a babysitter as his parents will not help.
We last went out as a couple about a year ago. Which I think is awful.
He doesn't seem particularly bothered. And here is another issue. The dc do sports Sunday and sometimes sat so everything else literally has to fit around that. It's more him than the dc

Even if it's something like costing LOndon for the day he checks in advance that there are no training or contests. I understand that to a degree. But it's means there are then literally zero day when we can go put altogether.
Tonight there's a sports event and be had to drop me somewhere (important)and he was literally panicking and checking watch every 5 min in case he got back late.

Oh and i didnt say anuthing about bim falling asleep in tbe garden. I was annoyed but didnt mention that.
He knows I've been feeling anxious a x rather than reassure me he says oh get a grip and stop moaning. I've never had anxiety in my life.
If it was him I'd sacrifice the early night
Or miss the sports one day and spend some time together to try and sort things.

I agree OP he sounds like he has lost patience and is no longer happy to go with the flow, resentment can build slowly over 20 odd years and there comes a point where apathy or dislike sets in.

Your posts are full of criticism of him, portraying you as the fun guy who does everything while he is not. He annoys you, he irritates you and reading your posts it sounds like you are constantly at him, and no one likes a martyr.

Why should he stay up because you want him to listen to you moan about work and how your day is harder than his? Perhaps he's relieved that your dampening down your personality because he needs some peace. You know he likes the quiet life but thus far hasn't had much of it.

Him being nice to other people, but not 'talking' about things are two different matters. He sounds like a people pleaser who doesn't like confrontation, you sound quite demanding and this may mean that 'talking' has never really been a two sided discussion for him.

You are opposites and communicate differently, have you ever really listened to your DH or respected his decision not to want to talk about stuff?

You say you go on at him, and have outbursts but because he is easy going he used to let these pass. We cant change our behaviour to please other people we can only change how we react to them and now he is reacting differently the status quo is all fucked up.

And yes if he has put up with your shit for 20 years then you either put up with his, leave or take a look at your own behaviour, same choice that he had.

I suspect he's just got to the end of his tether with taking shit! He sounds depressed and gone into himself to protect himself. I have friend like this. He's spent nearly 25 years going along with what his domineering wife wanted as he's so laid back. Hit 50 and tgere was an unfortunate pancake incident which drove him over the edge and now he's suddenly found a strength to no take the shit anymore and standing up for himself. His wife is complaining to anyone who will listen he's so unreasonable and accusing him of having an affair. But he has simply been brought to his senses after one minor incident. Luckily for friend he has a lot of supportive friends we've been shaking our collective head at the situation for years. Would you go to councilling to bring out these issues? But if he's a bottling up type be prepared for him to have gone past the point of return

oliversmummy what do you mean about the dc?do you mean as a couple?in.front of them?I try.to act normal. He has shouted at me a lot in front of them lately. Which sets a bad example to my teenage ds

You have been by your own admission a nightmare for 20 years but that is brushed under the carpet and you are criticising your dh for shouting at you lately and that being a bad example for your teenage ds. Do you not think the atmosphere in the house when you are nightmare isn't worse than the shouting.

You do come across as a martyr. The reason I was asking about the children is because I wanted to know if they helped you around the house or do you expect your dh to do that.
I had a mother who would complain that no one did anything or helped her around the house. But she couldn't take on board that there was little point helping as what ever you did you would only get criticised because it was not done to her standards.
Nor would she acknowledge any form of body language. You could tell when she was annoyed or angry at something or someone. When some one was annoyed or angry at her or when someone was be sarcastic it went over her head. Only words meant anything which made me wonder why you would think that
after 20 years you don't think he couldn't tell you were annoyed when he fell asleep in the garden you don't have to say anything to create a bad atmosphere.

You seem to think life could continue the way it has with no consequences. You are quite blase in that if he wants to leave he knows where the door is. How do you know he is not planning this and thinking of taking the children with him. Just because he is there today doesn't mean he wont be tomorrow.

Yes and I second oliversmummy. My friend has been to see a divorce lawyer to try and see how he can protect himself )his wife has refused to work for last 15 years) and plans to leave when kid hits 18 (if he can hang in that long)

Op its obvious whays happened.

I mean, come on, you got shitty because he wanted to take his son on holiday with you? Most people take their kids on holiday every time.

Whats clear is that he has walked on egg shells and been pulled between his child and you for almost 20 years. He has lost patience, is resentful and cant just 'accept that your a bit mad'.

You have made no effort to change and just said 'ah well, you chose to be with me'.

Now you have been in a similar position for less than a year and you cant cope with it. He has lived like this for almost 20 years.

It is entirely possible that he is so stressed because he is contemplating leaving. Its frustrating you that he wont talk. I get that. But as you say to him 'you chose to be with him and knew what he was like.'.

Oh and to be honest i would find it exhausting to be around someone who was the fun socialble one, but also the highly strung one that acted out at home.

Its like one extreme to the other.

Wow bet OP is glad she asked for support.

Maybe this is the time to have some counselling together before it's too late.

I think you need to take a step back, op. Sounds like there's nothing you can do until he's ready to to talk. He may not know how he feels yet, the best thing you can do is give him some space.
Fwiw I'm sure it's not all your fault. I've seen husbands of friends & family who have had no interestin organising family life & have to be cajoled into " joining in" with their wives & dcs who suddenly, years down the line, find that their family life is not how they wanted it. -Could that be the case with your dh?
Get on with everyday life & see what happens woukd be my advice.

FinallyThroughTheRoof it would seem the OP didn't ask for support she asked AIBU ?

She probably thought she would get some support. Ha ha.