To think we have lost what we once had?

[Iwannabeabillionaire]

Ok so background. Been with dp 20 odd years. Three Dc. Was planning a 4th (unlikely now).
Very different people. Him not talkative. Likes very basic conversation
I'm very chatty. Like a laugh. He prefers telly to talking.
However,we do have a lot in common and are from similar backgrounds and have values in common too

Had a few periods over the years where things haven't been great. And it's been mostly me picking flies to be fair. He's very complimentary to me and says nice stuff and has been tolerant of what I would describe as highly strung behaviour from me.But the vast part of our relationship has been great and we have been close

Fast forward to about 18mths ago . He has stopped being tolerant of me. And now is very intolerant.
Bites my head off at jack shit. I walk on egg shells. He seems exasperated by me.
Yes I've gone on at him for years,mostly over nothing but he's always said he takes no notice. I've always apologised if I'm wrong and I'm generally kind,affectionate,loving and made a huge effort in our realtionship.
Suddenly he finds me hugely annoying
Not a week goes by now when this doesn't escalate into a row. Either him biting my head off and I react. Or me having had enough and pulling him up. Only for him to say im going on again and hes fine!!
I can't take any more. I'm actually suffering from anxiety
And sadness for happy times we have had
Now I hate feeling that I'm an irritation to a man
Tonight he has just gone to bed at 1030 after a not particularly busy work day for him. I've had a 3 hr commute . When i mentioned this he said 'oh dear'. He could have stayed up a bit even if he was tired.
We go on a.family.hol in Aug. It's the one thing i love. Its gonna be miserable at this rate.
If I try and talk. He says he's fine and everything will be ok. So long and i don't go on or nag. He basically wants me to be normal even if I don't feel it. And he really doesn't want to address any issues as he sees them as non issues.
Please advise.

And again who said i was coping?im not coping with him speaking to me like a 5 yr old but the rest of my life I'm coping just fine!!I don't always have a 3 hour journey home. It's just that particular day public transport was very bad. I was narked that day because he works 2 miles from home. He could literally walk it. And it was just a bit frustrating the he was the one that nodded off!! I think anyone would be a bit pissed off even some of the saintly posters on here or are not highly strung!!

WASN'T coping. Silly phone.

Sorry I read it that you have a 3 hour commute and he has a 5 minute one so is at home more

Update tonight, is not that he's been horrible? Its been something else.

Yesterday was a music concert at the school for one of dc. Not something he's fussed about. But he didn't have to attend. We went to watch

He asked how long it was on for.
I said about 1.5 hrs. He was like 'Jesus,that long?'
Bearing in mind the sports takes up at least double that each week

Anyway tonight, there's another sporting event (not compulsory)that's a 50 min drive away
He's finished work early and rushed off to take dc.i feel sad that he doesn't make that much time and effort to do something with us a family. I'm off work today and weather nice. We could have had a walk somewhere.
What I'm starting to think now is that he's enjoying the company of these parents as maybe an outlet away from me?
Any advice how I can stop myself feeling irrational about this?
I guess I just feel vulnerable as we haven't been out as a couple for 12mths. And he seems to invest a lot of his time im just the one hobby with dc rather than things we can all do.
Bearing in mind too it's not that often we are all here together.
Dc3 wants to go. And that's fine ,but I think adults also need to invest time in their relationship and not just do things for the kids.
However,due to the current atmosphere I daren't say a word. I just said have a nice time see you later.

Any thoughts on last post.

What about going for some form of marriage guidance yourself, OP?

My mum did that (father was living abroad and wouldn't have attended anyway). Can't remember whether it was through Relate.

Maybe it would give you the opportunity to talk things through with an impartial third party and allow you to consider your options.

Thanks for your reply. I was thinking that myself. I need to talk to have an outlet. I can talk to friends but they don't want to listen to my crap all the time. It's not fair.
I might look into private counselling after our holiday. Can't afford or fit it in before.
He would never agree to counselling,he thinks stuff like that is daft. And people should pull themselves together.
He's not one bit bothered that I said I'm suffering from anxiety. I've been self med with herbal stuff off the internet. He knows this but doesn't comment or even seem to care.
If he was doing that and it was totally out of character (like it is with me)I'd be mortified. Even if he had been a pain sat times.

Maybe he has given up trying because of reasons that strangers on a forum can speculate about but can never know. Why don't you start with counselling for yourself, he has changed how he reacts to you, counselling may give you some insight into your own needs and wants and may help you change how you react to him.

Well that smacks of victim blaming, sorry

How do you mean victim blaming? Finally

Well his attitude is hurting her yet she needs counselling to help her cope with it, rather than him changing his attitude.

Well his attitude is hurting her yet she needs counselling to help her cope with it, rather than him changing his attitude

Where did anyone say that?

Changing how she reacts to him might involve changing the locks on the door.

Finally That's not what I said and I don't think its healthy to paint the OP as a victim.

In any 20 year plus relationship there will be challenges and compromise and the relationship evolves, it has to if it is to survive. Over that time period people change and it is rare that those changes only occur in one half of the couple. By her own admission the OP has been difficult to live with in the past and her OH has accepted this. The OP has acknowledged that her OH has put up with a lot over the years so can't understand why he has changed, because she hasn't.

Yes it can be hurtful and frustrating and as the OP also said her OH has never been a talker it is unlikely that he is going to start now and give her any answers, particularly if he believes she is not prepared to listen to them. Her posts are critical of him but accepting of herself and we only have one side of the story. The OP has said he is a good man, therefore he probably hasn't changed in how he feels but in how he interacts with her.

Counselling can provide a safe place to sound off, to explore your frustration, unhappiness and how your own behaviour and expectations impacts on others. We are capable of making demands on others that they feel uncomfortable with and we all deal with conflict differently. We have to take responsibility of how our own behaviour affects others and how we react to them. Counselling can be insightful and empowering, that is why I suggested it.

I agree with VeryButchyRestingFace on counselling for yourself.

I think you need it for anxiety and you need to make peace with yourself. I haven't read every single post so feel free to ignore me. It seems like you came here painting quite a negative picture of yourself (nightmare etc, which posters took literally) then you realise/expressed that your Dh is actually failing you.

Maybe you have actually 'failed' each other a bit over the years, like all married couples and now need to work out the way forward so you can both be happy.

Counselling for you is a good place to start but eventually your dh will need to face this and work with you IMHO.

There could be many reasons he prefers one event to another. Prefers sports to music, gets on better with one of the kids, like the atmosphere outdoors to indoors etc. But the bigger picture seems to be avoiding some things. Which is painful for you.

You do not need to answer this, but bearing in mind sex is very important for some couples or some individuals -is your sex life OK (I am not asking for details).

italianThanks you have given me lots of positive feedback.
Our sex life,well thats a whole new discussion. Its always been good. Regular And varied. No issue there. Last year or so the only issue would be frequency. Just because of opportunity. Nothing else. Until recently that is and the situation now is no sex this time for say for approx 6 weeks.
I don't care at the min as the last thing I fancy is being intimate with a man that yells at me. He doesn't seem too fussed either. He's made a few jokey comment s that suggests he's up for it, but I've kind of brushed it aside. I never ever thought I'd be one of those couples where sex fizzled out.
The only time I've gone this long is after having a baby!or maybe two or three wks but we have always discussed or laughed about it. Now I'm avoiding it

Also it seems one steo forward,half a dozen back

I've been at work today. After work we had a bit of a laugh at his day with The kids. Funny stuff they said
Very relaxed.
Then it went wrong
Middle dc wouldn't go to bed. Messing about. I was trying to say day was over. I was happy to see them after being a work but it was time to settle. I was tired Etc and plenty off other days to stay up.
DO came in all guns blazing doing his sergeant major routine. I butter in-tpnstick up for him. Basically daddy been busy all day and now it bedtime,but he was irritated that I interrupted. Rolled his eyes at me and took an exasperated breath. . And killed the mood again.
When the dc settled.,I swallowed my upset and said sorry. He said fine and went back to the telly. I felt myself starting to get more upset.

I keep trying to avoid situations where I annoy him or he has the upper hand,but it's literally every day.

Sorry i meant i butted in

I think you sound fine OP, you just want to talk with him, that's part of being a couple.
He sounds he just want to shut you up and do his own things which are TV, phone and sports.
I would not be so nice in your shoes.

Iwannabeabillionaire the more you say the more I think he is at fault and not you. I've not read every post and have got a bit confused. The lack of sex and his lack of interest seem to suggest possibly a bit of a mid life crisis, or possibly another women or possibly some sort of erectile dysfunction maybe? I mean if it has always been regular and varied.

I'm not sure what to suggest but I do think if you are going to be able to 'defend' yourself against his unpleasantness then some sort of counselling for you would help you to get your own story in your own head. Right now it is sounding like he is the nightmare.

Thanks
100%not erectile dysfunction!definitely no problems in tht area
The only reason we are not having sex is that we are barely talking. He would I'm sure If I made a move
However,I'm avpisinh it as I can't bear to be around him
Another woman I'd be astonished. Know where he is nearly all the time. There's always a chance but I don't think so
What I find shocking is the fact he says he's happy and said sorry Etc but then snaps at the drop of a hat. Like last night. You think he could bite his tongue and let it go over his head.
I could have blown my top at a few things lately but I've taken a few deep breaths and let it go.
Last night I did fuck all,other than interrupt his rant at the dc. I'd had a shit reallybshit day at work and there was a few thjngs i would have liked to discuss butvi didn't say a word about my day and nòr did he ask.
Oh tell a lie,I mentioned something about a girl a works holiday. He barely responded

I think he actually sounds really depressed. I'm saying that because I see so much of myself in what you've written about him and I'm embarrassed by that. I'm currently going through a severe bout of depression and anxiety and I'm very snappy with everyone and struggling to concentrate on anything other than being in my own space - faffing about on my phone which I find relaxing etc. I have no energy for any of my close friendships and relationships and I am ready to go to sleep by 9.30.

I think him saying everything is fine etc is him trying not to talk about how he really feels.

Ah OP, this sounds crap.

I have to say I disagree with all the posters saying "he's put up with your shit for 20 years, now he's had enough". It doesn't and shouldn't work that way. You don't conceal your dislike of someone's personality traits for decades, then decide "that's it, tolerance has been reached" and blame them for that exact trait, when it's too late to change.

It doesn't sound like your husband has much personal insight, OP. I think it's very likely that if young challenged him on the eye-rolling, he would genuinely believe that it didn't happen.

I would agree that you should start looking for satisfaction outside the relationship. Not sexually but for your social needs. Build up those friendships and interests. Consider the feasibility of changing your job.

And like other PP it sounds to me like he is depressed, or has experienced a drop in testosterone.

"Deadgood* thank you. Yes thats what i think. That you cant play tit for tat and punish someone..
If this is what he's doing then I would rather him say outright that he's pissed off or had enough. I won't live my life like this.
Even he has had issues with me or my behaviour,it's never been like this!! Ignoring each other,No affection.
I dont think he's depressed
I could be wrong but obviously i know him very well. Although He can be accused of being grumpy. He's also quite a positive person. The doesn't dwell on things. Or let things bother him for very long
It could well be some midlife thing. Sometimes I think he would like a quiet life and no hassles (relationship and kids)though he's always denied this. I think we all get on his nerves a bit. As do all families though.
The more I think about it,the more I agree with my sister that he's just turning into a grumpy old man. Things like having children and me talking shit he found annoying as a young man,but even harder as hes got older to keep his patience.

What age is he?

Yes could be something midlife.
But you shouldn't have butted in when he was yelling at the DCs - not that that is good just that you would be putting him down by taking DCs side against him which would annoy anyone.

Some of his behaviour I recognise from my DH, I would say it is passive aggressive stuff eg nice to his family, rude (blanking by not looking at) your D Sis, asking to leave early. Your anxiety is caused by the tiptoeing around his moods. Horrible, I recognise that too. Unless you've lived with it it is hard to understand how stressful this is.
Likewise you not daring to say things, constantly biting your tongue. More stress there.
To feel better you can start to take some control. Perhaps see a counsellor for yourself as a first move, great to let off steam. What you write here sounds panicky, you would be able to gather your thoughts properly with counselling.
Look properly at what would happen if you split up. He could easily still take DCs to sports at weekends- but you would have one less to cook and clean for (is he a great househusband or do you do all the work?) and no tiptoeing round or being criticised and put down. Look at your finances, what maintenance would you be entitled to, assuming he moves out. Could your work continue as is, would you need to move nearer home? Do you own your own home? Is the mortgage shared, what savings have you etc etc etc.
I'm told the first half hour with a solicitor is free. Perhaps speak to one to size up the situation.
Making yourself the decision maker and the one in control will probably cure your anxiety attacks over night. Make a start, it will take your mind off his behaviour, and once you seem confident it will be interesting to see how he changes.