To think we have lost what we once had?

[Iwannabeabillionaire]

Ok so background. Been with dp 20 odd years. Three Dc. Was planning a 4th (unlikely now).
Very different people. Him not talkative. Likes very basic conversation
I'm very chatty. Like a laugh. He prefers telly to talking.
However,we do have a lot in common and are from similar backgrounds and have values in common too

Had a few periods over the years where things haven't been great. And it's been mostly me picking flies to be fair. He's very complimentary to me and says nice stuff and has been tolerant of what I would describe as highly strung behaviour from me.But the vast part of our relationship has been great and we have been close

Fast forward to about 18mths ago . He has stopped being tolerant of me. And now is very intolerant.
Bites my head off at jack shit. I walk on egg shells. He seems exasperated by me.
Yes I've gone on at him for years,mostly over nothing but he's always said he takes no notice. I've always apologised if I'm wrong and I'm generally kind,affectionate,loving and made a huge effort in our realtionship.
Suddenly he finds me hugely annoying
Not a week goes by now when this doesn't escalate into a row. Either him biting my head off and I react. Or me having had enough and pulling him up. Only for him to say im going on again and hes fine!!
I can't take any more. I'm actually suffering from anxiety
And sadness for happy times we have had
Now I hate feeling that I'm an irritation to a man
Tonight he has just gone to bed at 1030 after a not particularly busy work day for him. I've had a 3 hr commute . When i mentioned this he said 'oh dear'. He could have stayed up a bit even if he was tired.
We go on a.family.hol in Aug. It's the one thing i love. Its gonna be miserable at this rate.
If I try and talk. He says he's fine and everything will be ok. So long and i don't go on or nag. He basically wants me to be normal even if I don't feel it. And he really doesn't want to address any issues as he sees them as non issues.
Please advise.

Gloria I agree.
I'm not sure I'm ready to go down a solicitor route just yet.
I could afford to run the house on my wages,however,work and childcare would be difficult. Having said that My hours/days at work are flexible.
But I think the first line I will go down is the counsellor and making a better life for myself route
I'm going to Google counsellors later and try and arrange for when I get back from holiday.
I agree that If I became more confident it would be very interesting to see how he behaves then.

At the minute I'm clearly super annoying. Me even saying I'm anxious annoys him. As he thinks stuff like that is stupid and people should pull themselves together.
Someone said I sound panicky -well I am! It's like I can be talking and behaving normally and then I forget myself and say the wrong thing. Go on about something,criticize something,moan about work or whatever and then he gets annoyed. I instantly regret what I've said and wish I could take it back.
Then it feels again like he has the upper hand. Like he's the adult and I'm the child.
I want to be confident not give a shit and have him worrying about what I'm thinking for a change!!
I hate myself for saying all this. I sound pathetic. Like I'm suffering DV almost
I kind of need to know how to switch off and how to be relaxed and behave. Sounds ridiculous

If I don't talk about anything in any depth and just chat about the what's for dinner has fine. Hes happy. But that annoys me as im acting abnormal.
Btw hes 49.

Your husband has withdrawn, doesn't want to listen to you (and why is that ok even if he's listened for 20 years, if you stop listening and communicating with your partner, then your marriage will go down the tubes whatever the cause?) and isn't into you anymore.

Completely agree with this.I'm sorry this is happening to you and it seems you are walking on eggshells, analysing your behaviour and taking blame.

There is a theory that a drop in testosterone can cause this irritable behaviour (author Jed Diamond) but it's not medically proven however the stereotypical view of grumpy old man has been developed for a reason!

I suspect midlife will be worse for men who don't express or only internalize emotions.
There can be discontentment at this age especially if the man has always had high self esteem from sports or achievements as heading towards 50 performance does decline..added to career stalling or younger men challenging their status it can lead to misplaced anger.

Counselling might help you to define boundaries, you don't have to tolerate his rudeness but you may need to learn to assert yourself positively..responding not reacting.Hard to do when you are feeling hurt.

The sad thing is that you can't change him so there will be a point when you have to decide what is your line in the sand.

Its highly destructive to be invalidated by your partner as it feels emotional unsafe and this will cause anxiety.I was in a similar situation and was anxious in situations that previously wouldn't have bothered me.This seemed to annoy him more so it was a downward spiral.I left and anxiety has gone despite a really stressful divorce.

Try to observe not absorb his negativity and maybe journal.Get support to deal with this as you need to remain strong for your children, not easy when being dismissed by your supposedly loving partner.

Thank you. And I'm sorry that you had to go through something similar and you weren't able to resolve it.
I too,feel anxious in situations that I wouldn't normally and yes,This annoys him more.
You have given me a lot to think about. I will look up that author.
Despite his age (still young anyway,but still!) He is very fit and trim
Does do sports and is very healthy.
I do sometimes think maybe he wishes he had more time to himself. But if I've asked this in the past,he says not really,he likes spending time with us.
He can act very grumpy old man at times,as I've said. Always one wanting to go home early from the party. Get home from days out and 'settle down' for the evening. However he was like this in his 20s too!!

He won't be as fit as he was and will see younger men around him pulling ahead.I dont think women feel this pressure as much.My stbxh was very fit but it was getting harder to keep up.He had a very minor health concern and this hit him hard as first time he hada vulnerability.He isn't able to discuss worries so became a ball of anger which was directed at me..he could also just be very abusive!

Men like him may not seek counselling but may do coaching..or he may not go to the GP but might attend a private health check with focus on fitness (you could ask for testerone blood tests).

Get yourself clear with your boundaries, letting him be disrespectful is not a good for you even if it keeps the peace..you won't be able to continue living like that and may then explode and he will have cause to blame you!

Some of the issue is, you have clearly said that you have been hard work for 20 years (paraphrasing) but apart from saying that, any time posters have agreed and said it sounds like henis at the end of his tether, you have argued back how great you are and how it's your DH thats6tbe problem. Whilst you say you have been a pain for your marriage, you seem unwilling to actually take responsibility for thst fact that it may be you that has caused these issues now. I think it reads very much like he has reached the end of his tether dealing with you and he isn't willing to do it anymore. It sounds like you keep pushing him and he just wants to shut down. Pushing someone who is shutting down is the worst thing you can do, it will make them defensive and irritated.

Just because he isn't willing to say he has actually had enough in the marriage, doesn't mean that's not what he is thinking. It sounds like he is mentally checking out tbh.

unicorn . Possibly.

And of course he's fine to mentally check out all he likes. But he cant expect me just to live like this forever.
Yes I've been hard work at times, but as I've said previously, it's been in response to certain things. We have always made up and the vast part if our relationship has been great.
If he has decided he no longer wants to be with me and dislikes my personality that's ok,but I do have a right to know and he has the choice for us to split.
In all the times I've been 'hard work' ive never ever treated him the way hes treating me now.
Never.
I may have gone on a bit about stuff or said some mean things. And although that's not right,all couples do that.
I have always been willing discuss any issues with him. And umpteen times over the years I've asked him if there's anything about me that he doesn't like and said no!!!
I like honesty. He clearly doesn't like me but doesn't want to bloody say so. Hardly fair on me.

Ok a bit of an update for anyone who's interested or has any advice.
I got in from work late ish this evening. DP watching a film. I spoke to him about some bits and bobs. He paused telly. I was still talking and walked towards the door as I finished. He put telly back on,cutting out the rest of my sentence. Like a cue for me to end the convo.
As I got out the room I muttered under my breath to myself 'You fucking idiot billionaire'. (About myself for even chatting)
He shouted back 'What was that?'
I let rip and said -you!cutting me dead all the time!
I said I was sick of tip toeing round after him. And he didn't care about how he's made me anxious. His reply was that he didn't think I was anxious at all as too mouthy and not basically a quivering wreck.
It went on and he said is this going to take long as I've got work tomorrow.(I have too)
I said why dont you leave then?he said he had nowhere to go. I said that I would go then after holiday.
He told me he wasn't looking forward to holiday and to go on my own!
He also said I was aloof . Which I admitted too. Told him I was trying to detach myself
He said just be normal.but I reminded him that my normal behaviour is too much
Cant talk about work etx
He said I need to stop going on about work and let it go. My job is stressful and i have to sound off.
Anyway it went on
In the end walked off and had a bath
The minute I left the room he got some crisps,a drink and put telly back on!wtf do I do now??

I would suggest you get to bed and see how you feel in the morning when rested.

Ideally your partner would support you 're work but it may feel too much for him.He may not be able to fix it or make it better so feels little point in listening.He didn't sound too unreasonable and not aggressive.Your language and threatening to leave would have been perceived as aggressive.

When you see each other in the evening do you make a point to connect, a hug/kiss or even just a mutual "how was your day" before launching into work stress? How you reconnect after a day is important.

It sounds like you wanted to offload about
work but was that really good timing if he was watching tv?

The argument went into a downward spiral and I think he was reasonable to ask if you were swearing at him.

Can you do anything about your job? It feels out of balance.

Just watch for your own insecurity.Are you seeking a positive reaction from him..he can't give to you as feels you are over reacting, you feel more insecure as a result and "rant" and the cycle continues.

You best make good on your claim that you will leave.

You don't really make yourself sound like the best partner.

badhatter not sure what makes me sound like a bad partner. I'm not perfect but I certainly put more effort in to our relationship than he does.
And no,although I said it, I won't leave. It would more difficult and unsettling for me to leave with 3 dc and pets than him.

Plus he has got parents he could technically stay with
I haven't.
Hermione he was actually very aggressive with me last night!! Yelling as usual. Apart from my comment under my breath,I spoke calmly,although I did Get upset.
When we come how from work we always kiss each other and say everything okay blah blah.Although lately, that has been hit and miss. I am aloof with him now,he's right. But how can you force affection when you are being spoken to like a child?
I didn't want to talk about work last night. In fact I haven't spoken About work to him for months and months. Sometimes I have something interesting to say but I stop myself and keep it dead basic. Such as yes it was busy,nice day etc
That suits him.
Last night I saw as an opportunity to clear the air but he was clock watching as wanted to finish his tv prog before bed. But for him there's never a good time. Fair enough it wasn't the best time ,but when is. The tv is always on.he just pauses it while I speak.
I was saying I'm anxious, upset and our relationship is in trouble and he was saying how long will it take?!
He never has talked properly. Never turned the tv off and just chatted or had a laugh the way i would with friends.
Even when one of my parents died he said 'well life goes I'm.

I know he's not a big talker but to save a relationship I'd bloody turn the telly off and sit down and say let's talk. He thinks best option is not 'go on' ? Act normal and things will be fine. They won't.

You don't sound like a bad partner. Just one who wants to communicate and not be stonewalled.

Badhatter is a serial mandefender

Ha ha disillusioned!! That explains it.

He aounds exactly like my dH when stressed. He goes into his mancave and wont communicate.

Badhatter
You don't really make yourself sound like the best partner.

Rather than criticise and run, maybe give OP some tips on how to be a "better" partner? She's not getting what she wants from this relationship and is desperate to make things better.

I think as others have said he's just totally checked out. I, like you can get anxious and fall into little phases of being overly negative and stressed over nothing (by that I mean stuff that wouldn't normally bother me)
I was off sick from work for about 6 months a few years ago, I didn't really leave my house ( it was a foot injury I couldn't walk ) and when I did leave my house my anxiety was crazy I wasn't used to people anymore I was just a mess up was so negative and irritated at everything .
I also ranted about everything big massive rants about tiny stuff after months of this my oh got fed up, he'd roll his eyes at me, get very snippy, cut me off which just made me worse! It was a vicious cycle.
It wasn't until I went back to work and my mental health evened out and i was actually using my pent up energy and I started to become calmer and more tolerable. I then started to see him change, and to be honest become a lot happier, and we came back to how we were again.
When I'm having a particularly bad week and I just want to rant about everything ill really try to push through it. Of course he'll listen to something I need support on but I can't expect him to take the baggage of every little thing I've found anxiety inducing this week. I've accepted I can be this way and I now try to manage how much I push on to him as I can see the effect it has on us.
Is there something you can do for yourself which will help you feel more calm? Even if it's just a half an hour walk on a night time ?

Councillors like others have suggested could be a good idea, try and help yourself and if he doesn't come round and doesnt change at all then I'd be weighing up options

Puzzled by this..

His behaviour is odd. He's withdrawn into his cave that's he's always seemed to have one foot in.
Wants his family....on his terms
Apart from sex ..there doesn't seem to be other points where you connect emotionally, physically, spiritually etc

What's he getting from the relationship? What's he getting from the family?

It all feels a bit dead to me.

Where's the point at which he thinks the world of you and you of him.

Yet no one appears to have the energy to move it forward, to make a change...that's probably why it's all feeling a bit dead.

It's like you are both waiting for each other...to make that move...and getting frustrated that you are still stuck in this rut.

I keep thinking if you always do what you've always done , you always get what you always got.

Who's going to make the first move.
Leave
Have an affair
Go absolutely apeshit mental.

It's like a ticking time bomb op!

DH offloads anger onto me. Eg other drivers who do whatever anger provoking thing when he is on the road, the bank, not answering his call, putting him on hold and whatever normal little lifetime quirk that everyone else deals with without resorting to anger.
But he doesn't do it to anyone else, he says he offloads then that's it he feels better, but I have been angrily spoken to, including swearwords, about the difficulties of his life boohoohoo. And then I'm left with the bad feeling. (My DF was an angry miserable git so I expect it rings bells for me).
I'm not sure if you came in the door ranting about how awful your life/work is but if you did, that would annoy me if DH did it.

I'm sure that counselling is the best thing so you can get another person's opinion of the events and some answers to how to deal with DH. Perhaps have two sessions a week to get going.
I do think his behaviour is pa and 'punishing you' for whatever reason. But it's hard to work out what's what from your posts.

I think the word/ feeling I was grasping for is affection.

Where is the affection in your relationship?
The bit that says you're a moany , grumpy old git but you're my grumpy , moany old git.

fooly
Yes that's sounds how it's got.
At this moment I have no time for myself as ploughing as much time into doing extra hours at work to get money for holiday. When I've been home I'm catching up on other stuff a d spending time with dc.
When holiday is over I'm planning to meet up with friends more.i love walking and do walk the dog every day for as long as possible.

fooly
Yes that's sounds how it's got.
At this moment I have no time for myself as ploughing as much time into doing extra hours at work to get money for holiday. When I've been home I'm catching up on other stuff a d spending time with dc.
When holiday is over I'm planning to meet up with friends more.i love walking and do walk the dog every day for as long as possible.

Gloria no I didn't come in the door ranting about work. I have done before though and realise that's not good.
I barely mention work at all. In fact I barely mention anything about anything.
Dowser thats how it feels. I have got to zone out now and concentrate on the holiday,not him.
I would happily 'forget ' any row. As long as it was sorry,hug and kiss . Like he did last week. And he is more than happy to forget and disagreement too? so long as I never mention it again. All I want is him to address he's been horrible and I can move on too. He expects to speak to me like a child,accept it and not comment
All it does is cause resentment and the initial problem is still festering away.
If I said sorry tonight when he gets home,about last night,he would probably be fine

But why should I?all this has started with him snapping at me over the past god knows how long. He's not saying sorry or addressing he's even doing it.
No he's just saying what he likes, then the next day he acts normal until the next time he bites my head off.
Last night I wanted to resolve it but he was basically saying shut the fuck up.
I'd love to be 'normal ' with him but I actually do not feel like being nice to him the way hes treating me

Maybe when I feel better in myself I will care less about what he thinks.
I'm literally dreading him coming home tonight. I will stay out the way once dc are in bed.

No he's just saying what he likes, then the next day he acts normal until the next time he bites my head off
You can tell him you feel hurt because of what he said or how he said it. Point it out calmly, try not to rise to the bait, that's all you need to say, leave it at that, don't respond if he adds something else critical, just let it hang in the air.

I am try that tactic next time he says something. Which will probably be in about ten min when he gets in!

Please don't take offence to this but have you started the menopause. My mum changed as soon as she went into her change. You sound like you're looking for an argument rather than talking to him and being patient with him. You call him a grumpy old man which is not going to help with your mood towards him.

He's a 49 year old man who probably wants to put his feet up and watch the tv or fall asleep. Is he in shape maybe he cant keep up with you.